A 31-year-old guy who has been in a long-term relationship with his 27-year-old girlfriend loves her very much, despite his struggle over their dwindled sex life.
But after she revealed something about herself that would change their relationship forever, he turned to the Relationship Advice subReddit for guidance.
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
"My girlfriend female just told me she's asexual."
"So, me and my girlfriend have been together for about 4 years now. Everything was going pretty amazing in our first year together."
"We got along really well, we were crazy about each other and our sex life was pretty active too."
"Then around the middle of our 2nd year together, she started putting off sex, saying she wasn't feeling well or didn't feel up to it. This kept on going into our 3rd year and now with our 4th year it'll be almost 2 years that we haven't had sex."
"Today she told me she's asexual. She has no interest in discussing anything remotely sexual but says that she loves me and wants this to not come between us."
"She's even told me that she's fine with me having sex with other people as long as it's not serious and that I should love only her."
"At the same time, my GF gets super jealous when my best friend (who is a woman and married) texts me and sends affection my way for something like my birthday or a promotion. So I'm quite skeptical about this."
"For me sex, love and attraction are synonymous. I can't do the whole 'open relationship' thing but at the same time I know I have needs that my girlfriend is not going to be able to fulfill."
"Do I just go celibate? That's what I've been doing all this time, but I'm not sure if that's a sacrifice I have to make."
"Also for clarity, I still love my girlfriend and we still get along really well and before this I could totally see myself spending my whole life with her. Now I'm extremely confused."
"Could use a little advice and guidance on this."
Redditors weighed in with their thoughts on the OP's relationship.
"Sounds like the situation changed and y'all are incompatible now. Staying together likely would be really messy and breed resentment." – WavesnMountains
But the OP mentioned there were plenty of positives in the relationship to dissuade him from giving up on it completely.
"Initially it was. There were a lot of fights about this initially, bordering on us breaking up, but I still love the time we spend together. I did resent it and her in the beginning for it, but now I don't."
"Am I sad that we can't have physical intimacy? Yes. A lot. But we also have a lot else that keeps us happy."
"I'm just wondering at this point what I can do to fill that missing piece in the relationship."
Those who were sympathetic to his situation encouraged him to reconsider staying with her.
"You can still enjoy spending time with her as a friend, since that's what close people that don't sleep together are."
"You said intimacy and sex is synonymous to you, so it is. Don't try to change your sexuality just because hers is incompatible."
"The problem with stuff like this changing a few years in is that people are already attached and invested. That doesn't make you compatible."
"Think about what you want in a relationship, and if she isn't compatible with that, break up and stay friends. You deserve to be happy in 20 years." – plaurenisabadname
"The problem isn't just that she's asexual and you aren't, it's that she wants you not to have feelings for other people you might sleep with and needs the relationship to be emotionally closed/for you to 'love only her.'"
"That's not how you are built, you can no more change that than she can change being ace. It means you aren't compatible with the existing relationship structure or the one she is proposing." – redfishie
"The question you need to ask yourself is do you think the resentment will come back as the years pass? Your 31, do you think you can be okay never having a sexual relationship with your SO for possibly decades to come?"
"She says she's okay with you having a sexual only relationship with other women as long as no feelings are involved, but that is likely unrealistic."
"There is always the chance that you develop feelings for the other women, feelings that aren't so easy to control. I don't see how your SO would be okay if she gets jealous of your female friend."
"If she feels that way she's likely to get insanely jealous if you actually started sleeping with someone else, then what? I think your SO needs to realize what she's asking of you is unrealistic."
"I imagine it's hard to let go as you stated that there's a lot else that keeps y'all happy, the issue is this isn't just one small difference between you two. I agree with a lot of others that y'all are unfortunately incompatible now."
"It wouldn't be right to ask her to engage in sex just to make you happy, & it's not right for you to be celibate just to make her happy. I'd recommend looking at the dead bedroom sub to get a glimpse on how others have felt by giving up sex for their partner for years, some decades."
"What about children? Is that something y'all had wanted, & if so how will they be conceived?"
"While you can't know for sure how you'll feel down the line, I'd recommend really taking the time to think about this. Are you willing to possibly live the rest of your life celibate?" – LLLJ2601
"Hi! Also asexual, as is my partner, so hopping in to say: no, not really. Sex is one part of intimacy. I'd never be as close with a friend as I am with my other half."
"Still, OP should try talking to his girlfriend about being friends if they're both willing to take that step back." – troglodiety
"Don't set yourself on fire to keep her warm."
"You may love her all you want, but changing a fundamental part of who you are, while she gets to be exactly who she is and doesn't have to compromise, is just a recipe for a toxic relationship."
"Sometimes, you just have to say, 'This is non-negotiable to me,' and walk away. You deserve someone who loves everything about you, especially your sexuality." – JaiRenae
The OP reiterated:
"Sex stopped about 2 years ago. There was never a hard-bound reason to it. It was always an excuse to put it off."
"She told me she is asexual yesterday. We're currently living apart at our homes with family."
Overall, Redditors said this was a huge incompatibility issue and that it was a lot to ask of the OP to stay with his girlfriend only as a companion.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.