A 31-year-old guy who has been in a long-term relationship with his 27-year-old girlfriend loves her very much, despite his struggle over their dwindled sex life.
But after she revealed something about herself that would change their relationship forever, he turned to the Relationship Advice subReddit for guidance.
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
"My girlfriend female just told me she's asexual."
"So, me and my girlfriend have been together for about 4 years now. Everything was going pretty amazing in our first year together."
"We got along really well, we were crazy about each other and our sex life was pretty active too."
"Then around the middle of our 2nd year together, she started putting off sex, saying she wasn't feeling well or didn't feel up to it. This kept on going into our 3rd year and now with our 4th year it'll be almost 2 years that we haven't had sex."
"Today she told me she's asexual. She has no interest in discussing anything remotely sexual but says that she loves me and wants this to not come between us."
"She's even told me that she's fine with me having sex with other people as long as it's not serious and that I should love only her."
"At the same time, my GF gets super jealous when my best friend (who is a woman and married) texts me and sends affection my way for something like my birthday or a promotion. So I'm quite skeptical about this."
"For me sex, love and attraction are synonymous. I can't do the whole 'open relationship' thing but at the same time I know I have needs that my girlfriend is not going to be able to fulfill."
"Do I just go celibate? That's what I've been doing all this time, but I'm not sure if that's a sacrifice I have to make."
"Also for clarity, I still love my girlfriend and we still get along really well and before this I could totally see myself spending my whole life with her. Now I'm extremely confused."
"Could use a little advice and guidance on this."
Redditors weighed in with their thoughts on the OP's relationship.
"Sounds like the situation changed and y'all are incompatible now. Staying together likely would be really messy and breed resentment." – WavesnMountains
But the OP mentioned there were plenty of positives in the relationship to dissuade him from giving up on it completely.
"Initially it was. There were a lot of fights about this initially, bordering on us breaking up, but I still love the time we spend together. I did resent it and her in the beginning for it, but now I don't."
"Am I sad that we can't have physical intimacy? Yes. A lot. But we also have a lot else that keeps us happy."
"I'm just wondering at this point what I can do to fill that missing piece in the relationship."
Those who were sympathetic to his situation encouraged him to reconsider staying with her.
"You can still enjoy spending time with her as a friend, since that's what close people that don't sleep together are."
"You said intimacy and sex is synonymous to you, so it is. Don't try to change your sexuality just because hers is incompatible."
"The problem with stuff like this changing a few years in is that people are already attached and invested. That doesn't make you compatible."
"Think about what you want in a relationship, and if she isn't compatible with that, break up and stay friends. You deserve to be happy in 20 years." – plaurenisabadname
"The problem isn't just that she's asexual and you aren't, it's that she wants you not to have feelings for other people you might sleep with and needs the relationship to be emotionally closed/for you to 'love only her.'"
"That's not how you are built, you can no more change that than she can change being ace. It means you aren't compatible with the existing relationship structure or the one she is proposing." – redfishie
"The question you need to ask yourself is do you think the resentment will come back as the years pass? Your 31, do you think you can be okay never having a sexual relationship with your SO for possibly decades to come?"
"She says she's okay with you having a sexual only relationship with other women as long as no feelings are involved, but that is likely unrealistic."
"There is always the chance that you develop feelings for the other women, feelings that aren't so easy to control. I don't see how your SO would be okay if she gets jealous of your female friend."
"If she feels that way she's likely to get insanely jealous if you actually started sleeping with someone else, then what? I think your SO needs to realize what she's asking of you is unrealistic."
"I imagine it's hard to let go as you stated that there's a lot else that keeps y'all happy, the issue is this isn't just one small difference between you two. I agree with a lot of others that y'all are unfortunately incompatible now."
"It wouldn't be right to ask her to engage in sex just to make you happy, & it's not right for you to be celibate just to make her happy. I'd recommend looking at the dead bedroom sub to get a glimpse on how others have felt by giving up sex for their partner for years, some decades."
"What about children? Is that something y'all had wanted, & if so how will they be conceived?"
"While you can't know for sure how you'll feel down the line, I'd recommend really taking the time to think about this. Are you willing to possibly live the rest of your life celibate?" – LLLJ2601
"Hi! Also asexual, as is my partner, so hopping in to say: no, not really. Sex is one part of intimacy. I'd never be as close with a friend as I am with my other half."
"Still, OP should try talking to his girlfriend about being friends if they're both willing to take that step back." – troglodiety
"Don't set yourself on fire to keep her warm."
"You may love her all you want, but changing a fundamental part of who you are, while she gets to be exactly who she is and doesn't have to compromise, is just a recipe for a toxic relationship."
"Sometimes, you just have to say, 'This is non-negotiable to me,' and walk away. You deserve someone who loves everything about you, especially your sexuality." – JaiRenae
The OP reiterated:
"Sex stopped about 2 years ago. There was never a hard-bound reason to it. It was always an excuse to put it off."
"She told me she is asexual yesterday. We're currently living apart at our homes with family."
Overall, Redditors said this was a huge incompatibility issue and that it was a lot to ask of the OP to stay with his girlfriend only as a companion.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.