A 31-year-old guy who has been in a long-term relationship with his 27-year-old girlfriend loves her very much, despite his struggle over their dwindled sex life.
But after she revealed something about herself that would change their relationship forever, he turned to the Relationship Advice subReddit for guidance.
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
"My girlfriend female just told me she's asexual."
"So, me and my girlfriend have been together for about 4 years now. Everything was going pretty amazing in our first year together."
"We got along really well, we were crazy about each other and our sex life was pretty active too."
"Then around the middle of our 2nd year together, she started putting off sex, saying she wasn't feeling well or didn't feel up to it. This kept on going into our 3rd year and now with our 4th year it'll be almost 2 years that we haven't had sex."
"Today she told me she's asexual. She has no interest in discussing anything remotely sexual but says that she loves me and wants this to not come between us."
"She's even told me that she's fine with me having sex with other people as long as it's not serious and that I should love only her."
"At the same time, my GF gets super jealous when my best friend (who is a woman and married) texts me and sends affection my way for something like my birthday or a promotion. So I'm quite skeptical about this."
"For me sex, love and attraction are synonymous. I can't do the whole 'open relationship' thing but at the same time I know I have needs that my girlfriend is not going to be able to fulfill."
"Do I just go celibate? That's what I've been doing all this time, but I'm not sure if that's a sacrifice I have to make."
"Also for clarity, I still love my girlfriend and we still get along really well and before this I could totally see myself spending my whole life with her. Now I'm extremely confused."
"Could use a little advice and guidance on this."
Redditors weighed in with their thoughts on the OP's relationship.
"Sounds like the situation changed and y'all are incompatible now. Staying together likely would be really messy and breed resentment." – WavesnMountains
But the OP mentioned there were plenty of positives in the relationship to dissuade him from giving up on it completely.
"Initially it was. There were a lot of fights about this initially, bordering on us breaking up, but I still love the time we spend together. I did resent it and her in the beginning for it, but now I don't."
"Am I sad that we can't have physical intimacy? Yes. A lot. But we also have a lot else that keeps us happy."
"I'm just wondering at this point what I can do to fill that missing piece in the relationship."
Those who were sympathetic to his situation encouraged him to reconsider staying with her.
"You can still enjoy spending time with her as a friend, since that's what close people that don't sleep together are."
"You said intimacy and sex is synonymous to you, so it is. Don't try to change your sexuality just because hers is incompatible."
"The problem with stuff like this changing a few years in is that people are already attached and invested. That doesn't make you compatible."
"Think about what you want in a relationship, and if she isn't compatible with that, break up and stay friends. You deserve to be happy in 20 years." – plaurenisabadname
"The problem isn't just that she's asexual and you aren't, it's that she wants you not to have feelings for other people you might sleep with and needs the relationship to be emotionally closed/for you to 'love only her.'"
"That's not how you are built, you can no more change that than she can change being ace. It means you aren't compatible with the existing relationship structure or the one she is proposing." – redfishie
"The question you need to ask yourself is do you think the resentment will come back as the years pass? Your 31, do you think you can be okay never having a sexual relationship with your SO for possibly decades to come?"
"She says she's okay with you having a sexual only relationship with other women as long as no feelings are involved, but that is likely unrealistic."
"There is always the chance that you develop feelings for the other women, feelings that aren't so easy to control. I don't see how your SO would be okay if she gets jealous of your female friend."
"If she feels that way she's likely to get insanely jealous if you actually started sleeping with someone else, then what? I think your SO needs to realize what she's asking of you is unrealistic."
"I imagine it's hard to let go as you stated that there's a lot else that keeps y'all happy, the issue is this isn't just one small difference between you two. I agree with a lot of others that y'all are unfortunately incompatible now."
"It wouldn't be right to ask her to engage in sex just to make you happy, & it's not right for you to be celibate just to make her happy. I'd recommend looking at the dead bedroom sub to get a glimpse on how others have felt by giving up sex for their partner for years, some decades."
"What about children? Is that something y'all had wanted, & if so how will they be conceived?"
"While you can't know for sure how you'll feel down the line, I'd recommend really taking the time to think about this. Are you willing to possibly live the rest of your life celibate?" – LLLJ2601
"Hi! Also asexual, as is my partner, so hopping in to say: no, not really. Sex is one part of intimacy. I'd never be as close with a friend as I am with my other half."
"Still, OP should try talking to his girlfriend about being friends if they're both willing to take that step back." – troglodiety
"Don't set yourself on fire to keep her warm."
"You may love her all you want, but changing a fundamental part of who you are, while she gets to be exactly who she is and doesn't have to compromise, is just a recipe for a toxic relationship."
"Sometimes, you just have to say, 'This is non-negotiable to me,' and walk away. You deserve someone who loves everything about you, especially your sexuality." – JaiRenae
The OP reiterated:
"Sex stopped about 2 years ago. There was never a hard-bound reason to it. It was always an excuse to put it off."
"She told me she is asexual yesterday. We're currently living apart at our homes with family."
Overall, Redditors said this was a huge incompatibility issue and that it was a lot to ask of the OP to stay with his girlfriend only as a companion.
Humiliated Redditor Ditches Friend's Birthday After She Publicly Mocks Them In Front Of Everyone
Fake people tend to show their true colors during pivotal moments, like weddings and major celebrations.
But when they want an audience to hurt someone else, it takes total sense that they would be called out in front of everyone, as agreed by members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit.
Redditor HollyyGinger went to their close friend's birthday party, expecting to have a good time and celebrate their loved one's special day.
But when their close friend made several mocking comments about them, and the party laughed along with them, the Original Poster (OP) took that as an indication of the state of their friendship and left the birthday party early.
They asked the sub:
The OP was excited to celebrate their close friend's birthday.
"One of my close friends had a birthday dinner last weekend, and I was genuinely excited to go."
"I helped her organize a few things beforehand, bought her a gift, and even rearranged some plans because I wanted to be there for her."
But the birthday dinner did not go at all how the OP expected.
"During dinner, though, she started making little jokes about me in front of everyone."
"At first, I laughed along because I didn't want to make things awkward on her birthday."
"But she kept going. She joked about dating life, brought up an embarrassing story I had told her privately, and made another comment about how I'm ''way too sensitive' sometimes."
"People were laughing, and I tried to act like it didn't bother me, but honestly, I felt pretty humiliated."
The OP tried to ask their friend to change the direction of the rest of the party.
"I quietly asked her when we were alone if she could stop making me the joke of the evening."
"She rolled her eyes and said I was taking everything too seriously and that everyone knew she was joking."
"I went back to the table for a while because I really didn't want to ruin her birthday."
"But then she made another joke about me, so I decided I'd had enough. I congratulated her again, said goodbye to everyone, and went home without making a scene."
The OP's friend tried to blame them for how the evening turned out.
"The next morning, she texted me, saying she was hurt that I left early and that several people noticed."
"She said that I made her feel like she had done something horrible when she was 'just having fun.' But her having fun was more of a public embarrassment to me."
"Now I feel guilty, because it was her birthday, and maybe I could have just ignored it for another hour or two."
"I wasn't trying to punish her or make the night about me. I just didn't want to sit there smiling while someone I trusted kept embarrassing me after I had specifically asked her to stop."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she didn't have to stay at a party where she didn't feel welcome.
"She was having fun. You were not having fun."
"You’re not overreacting. You told her it was hurting you, and she kept doing it because hurting you was entertaining for her. She is not a good friend." - Dunquinn-
"I remember when I was really little, a bunch of adults were laughing at me as I cried."
"I cried to my mom, 'Stop laughing at me,' to which she replied, 'We aren’t laughing at you; we're laughing with you,' while giggling."
"My response was something I stand by to this day: 'Then why am I the only one crying?!'"
"It’s only funny if the person who’s being teased is laughing too. You weren’t laughing. It wasn’t funny; it was cruel. NOR." - XSmartypants
"She’s a bully. It wasn’t 'more like 'it was publicly embarrassing. It WAS publicly embarrassing."
"Then she tells you that SHE is embarrassed because YOU left early. That's bulls**t."
"NOR. Drop her." - WTH_JFG
"NOR. They make jokes about someone's privacy to humiliate that person. Anyone who would use info that was shared in confidence to get a laugh is an abuser. You don't do that, especially to a close friend, without the intent to hurt that person." - BungenessKrabb
"Would it have been fun if you did the same? Start telling her darkest secrets?"
"She made you into a punchline for other people’s entertainment."
"You told her to stop, and she didn’t; now she’s the victim?"
"NOR."
"But also, some people need to feel it to believe it. I hope you go to the next gathering with a few stories of your own and don’t let her rewrite the narrative." - beached_not_broken
"I’ve had it happen by my 'best friend' at the time, only it was in a professional setting event. Very personal details only she knew, all spilled for her amusement, embarrassing me in front of colleagues."
"NOR, OP. As you did, I left the gathering earlier than expected. My 'friend' called the next day asking why I left so early. I told her what she had said and done and how humiliated I felt."
"Her 'apology' was that flippant version that shows no remorse, like, 'Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.'"
"Over the subsequent years, she managed to alienate and burn bridges with most of those same people we were gathered with."
"I’m sorry this happened to you, OP. Anyone who thinks you were 'too sensitive' has no empathy and 'friends' like that don’t deserve your time." - Hungry_Tank9182
"NOR. She was being a jerk to you, and she was expecting you to just take it and not say anything or defend yourself."
"Because they think it's sooo funny to mock others, but I bet if the roles were reversed, she would be offended and upset."
"Honestly, you deserve better friends. I'm sorry you had to deal with this."
"I would've left and blocked her." - Cryslove
Others urged the OP to stop thinking about the event and let that friendship go.
"That was the point of her fun! Humiliating you with an audience!"
"Sharing something deeply personal, told in confidence? Immediate dealbreaker."
"She is not (and likely never was) your friend. Friends do not treat friends with such disrespect. Block her, and go no contact. She brings nothing good to your life, and she’s not worthy of your energy and time."
"NOR." - MizPeachyKeen
"It’s called bullying. She is not your friend. Friends don’t humiliate their true friends, or tell them 'they are too sensitive.'"
"That is what bullies do. She keeps you around to put you down and make herself look or feel better."
"Her actions, attitude, and behavior are those of an immature high schooler. She could actually be jealous of you and not want one or all of the following: you to succeed, have more friends, feel better about yourself, look better, etc."
"Please slowly distance yourself, find new hobbies and activities with more mature, well-rounded, healthy people." - Freeling_Fab_U_lous
"How DARE you spoil her fun; didn't you know that part of your gift was letting her make you the butt of her jokes? (sarcastic comment)"
"What an awful person. No one should need to put others down to raise themselves up. She doesn't deserve the title of friend, to be honest. You showed much more grace than I would have managed." - tphatmcgee
"She was using you as her punching bag to make the others attending laugh. Probably thinking you’d just take it. That’s not a good friend. NOR." - Additional-Start9455
"'Someone I trusted kept embarrassing me after I asked them to stop.' NOR."
"First, you shouldn't have had to ask her to stop because a friend wouldn't have started in the first place. One of her 'jokes' was about you being sensitive, so she knew you didn't like it and did it anyway."
"Second, you asked her privately to stop, because you didn't want to embarrass her. Think about that. You didn't want to embarrass her. But she couldn't show you the same consideration, even after being asked to stop."
"That's not how I treat my friends, and I suspect that's not how you treat your friends, either." - calminthedark
"I would have answered her text that she's a s**tty friend and to f**k off. You have class."
"I probably would have made a comment at dinner that I asked her to stop with the insults."
"NOR. You did everything right." - Particular-King218
The subReddit was disappointed on the OP's behalf that a friendship they were so committed to, they were excited to celebrate their friend's birthday and even helped plan the event, came apart at their expense, and on very public terms.
If the friend didn't want to be "embarrassed," maybe she should have thought about how she was embarrassing others first.