When we lose someone close to us, we try to hold onto their memories in as many ways as we possibly can.
For many, the memories of the deceased are more than enough to keep them alive in spirit, even if they are no longer physically on this earth.
Others, however, might need a more physical reminder of their lost loved one, such as a photograph or an item or accessory with sentimental value.
Some people never ever let these leave their sight.
A recent Redditor was making the final decisions regarding her upcoming wedding
When the time came to discuss their wedding bands, the original poster (OP)'s fiancé surprised her by saying he wanted his to serve as a reminder of a lost loved one.
A very literal reminder, which put the OP somewhat ill at ease.
Wondering if she was in the wrong for feeling this way, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not wanting my fiancé to have his dead dogs ashes in his wedding band."
The OP explained why their fiancé's custom-made wedding ring left them feeling more than a little uncomfortable:
"Ok so some context here, I (32 F[emale]) will be marrying a really great guy (32 M[ale]) very soon."
"When discussing what kind of wedding band he would want he said he would like one that includes ashes of his dead dog."
"I am very put off by this request but don't really know how to respond or if I'm just being awful for not wanting this."
"This dog died last year at the age of 16."
"My fiancé and I have been together for three years, so he had this dog long before we were together."
"When he died my fiancé was inconsolable for quite a while."
"I comforted him through this and tried to be as empathetic as I could be."
"However, I was not allowed to have pets as a child and so, while I do love my dog I have now, I have never lost a pet and couldn't directly sympathize with his grief."
"Now when it comes to the wedding band I know he loved his dog, but I really wanted his wedding band to be a symbol of our love."
"Not the love he had/has for his dog."
"He also says things like what he loves most in the world is this dog."
"He's said even more than he loves me."
"I'm all for loving your pet and animals, but this feels a bit over the top and obsessive."
"Also, a bit creepy."
"But maybe I just don't understand because I don't have experience with the death of a pet."
"I even tried suggesting we get the ashes in something else that he has every day like a necklace or a keychain and save the wedding band as something between us."
"He said 'ok' to that suggestion but had a sad tone and drawn facial expression."
"It killed me to see him disappointed so I just gave in and ordered the ring with the ashes in it."
"It recently arrived, and I hate it."
"It creeps me out every time I look at it."
"To me it doesn't symbolize our love or marriage at all."
"It's about his dog."
"AITA for feeling this way? What should I do?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided on whether or not the OP was the a**hole for being weirded out by her fiancé including his dog's ashes in his wedding band:
Some felt that the OP did the right thing by speaking up about her discomfort and was right in feeling that his wedding ring should symbolize their union, and her fiancé could commemorate his dog in another way:
"NTA."
"You need to be a grown-up and stand up for how you feel."
"Listen- my 18+ year old dog died when I was 8.5 months pregnant."
"I was bereft."
"My husband debated taking me to the ER; I was so undone."
"What I'm sayin' is- I get his grief."
"I think his request is unhinged."
"He can wear his dog band in his right hand."
"His wedding band is a symbol of the union of you and him."
"Only."
"Dog stays out of it."
"Gird yer loins, and tell him how you feel."
"You can do it!"- Lazy_Lobster159
"NTA."
"That's weird and unhealthy AF."
"He's marrying you, not his dead dog."
"A separate piece of jewelry with the ashes would've been appropriate, but a wedding band?"
"Wedding bands are supposed to represent the love for your spouse, and now his is forever tainted with his dead dog's remains."
"Also, I can't fathom telling my future spouse that I love a pet more than I love them, a person who I'll spend the rest of my life with."
"It's not a good sign, OP."- sapphic_shenanigans
"NTA."
"I loved my cat more than I loved my partner and would have never done that to her."
"But ok, they were different kinds of love and, because of that, I agree that having separate items for each loved one would be the best."
"Now, I don't have enough context nor do I know your fiancé at all to support the next statement but it would be a good idea to analyze if it is really about grieving the dog companion or if it is to send the message that you're not as good as the dog and make you feel bad or put you 'in your place'."
"Because if so, you shouldn't be in a relationship where they want to make you feel inferior and manipulate you like that."
"However, if it is really just about coping with the loss of the pet, then think it's just a ring and what really matters is what you feel for each other."- competitive-griever
Others, however, felt the OP was being insensitive to her fiancé's grief and should have let her fiancé remember his dog however he saw fit:
"YTA."
"How does his love for his dog actually threaten you?"- Mintcrisp
"Are you the kind of person that would poke a hornet's nest and then be surprised they are annoyed?"
"Like seriously, he agreed to the compromise, and then you did it anyway."
"Stop whining about it."
"You made the choice, and now you can deal with the consequences."
"YTA because you caused your own problem."
"For Christ sake, see a therapist because being a people pleaser is one thing, but being a people pleaser who then whines about the people pleasing they chose to do is another issue entirely."-Awkward_Un1corn
While a few felt that no one was at fault, feeling the OP was justified for being weirded out, but understanding the OP's desire to want to include his dog's ashes in his ring:
"NAH."
"I can see where both of you are coming from."
"This dog clearly meant the world to him and was his companion for most of his life."
"I think giving him the ring with the dog's ashes is a way for you to show him that you care about the things he cares about."
"You said in one of your comments that he is a kind, loving, supportive partner."
"This is your way of reciprocating and showing appreciation for that, even if you don't completely agree with it or understand why it's such a big deal to him."
"It can still be a symbol of your love for each other."
"It can show him that you love him enough to do this for him, even if you don't really get it."
"It's important to him, so it's a way to show him its importantto you as well, because of how much you love him."
"Either way, I don't think this is as big of a red flag as some people are making it out to be, and 100% do not believe you should end your relationship over this."
"He cares about you, but he is still grieving, and grief can make you weird sometimes."
"Just remember there may come a time in your life when something causes you great pain, and you would hope your life partner will do whatever they can to be supportive and ease your pain/give you comfort in whatever way he can, even if he doesn't quite understand or agree with it."-randomness7262
It's not unfair to expect a wedding band to symbolize the union of you and your partner and nothing else.
That being said, no one should feel ashamed for wanting to honor their lost pet in a significant way.
Hopefully, the OP will come to realize that she needn't feel threatened by the OP's love of his dead dog.
That being said, it was probably all for the best that she honestly told him how she felt about that decision.
Honesty is always the benchmark of a healthy marriage.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp