When we lose someone close to us, we try to hold onto their memories in as many ways as we possibly can.
For many, the memories of the deceased are more than enough to keep them alive in spirit, even if they are no longer physically on this earth.
Others, however, might need a more physical reminder of their lost loved one, such as a photograph or an item or accessory with sentimental value.
Some people never ever let these leave their sight.
A recent Redditor was making the final decisions regarding her upcoming wedding
When the time came to discuss their wedding bands, the original poster (OP)'s fiancé surprised her by saying he wanted his to serve as a reminder of a lost loved one.
A very literal reminder, which put the OP somewhat ill at ease.
Wondering if she was in the wrong for feeling this way, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not wanting my fiancé to have his dead dogs ashes in his wedding band."
The OP explained why their fiancé's custom-made wedding ring left them feeling more than a little uncomfortable:
"Ok so some context here, I (32 F[emale]) will be marrying a really great guy (32 M[ale]) very soon."
"When discussing what kind of wedding band he would want he said he would like one that includes ashes of his dead dog."
"I am very put off by this request but don't really know how to respond or if I'm just being awful for not wanting this."
"This dog died last year at the age of 16."
"My fiancé and I have been together for three years, so he had this dog long before we were together."
"When he died my fiancé was inconsolable for quite a while."
"I comforted him through this and tried to be as empathetic as I could be."
"However, I was not allowed to have pets as a child and so, while I do love my dog I have now, I have never lost a pet and couldn't directly sympathize with his grief."
"Now when it comes to the wedding band I know he loved his dog, but I really wanted his wedding band to be a symbol of our love."
"Not the love he had/has for his dog."
"He also says things like what he loves most in the world is this dog."
"He's said even more than he loves me."
"I'm all for loving your pet and animals, but this feels a bit over the top and obsessive."
"Also, a bit creepy."
"But maybe I just don't understand because I don't have experience with the death of a pet."
"I even tried suggesting we get the ashes in something else that he has every day like a necklace or a keychain and save the wedding band as something between us."
"He said 'ok' to that suggestion but had a sad tone and drawn facial expression."
"It killed me to see him disappointed so I just gave in and ordered the ring with the ashes in it."
"It recently arrived, and I hate it."
"It creeps me out every time I look at it."
"To me it doesn't symbolize our love or marriage at all."
"It's about his dog."
"AITA for feeling this way? What should I do?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided on whether or not the OP was the a**hole for being weirded out by her fiancé including his dog's ashes in his wedding band:
Some felt that the OP did the right thing by speaking up about her discomfort and was right in feeling that his wedding ring should symbolize their union, and her fiancé could commemorate his dog in another way:
"NTA."
"You need to be a grown-up and stand up for how you feel."
"Listen- my 18+ year old dog died when I was 8.5 months pregnant."
"I was bereft."
"My husband debated taking me to the ER; I was so undone."
"What I'm sayin' is- I get his grief."
"I think his request is unhinged."
"He can wear his dog band in his right hand."
"His wedding band is a symbol of the union of you and him."
"Only."
"Dog stays out of it."
"Gird yer loins, and tell him how you feel."
"You can do it!"- Lazy_Lobster159
"NTA."
"That's weird and unhealthy AF."
"He's marrying you, not his dead dog."
"A separate piece of jewelry with the ashes would've been appropriate, but a wedding band?"
"Wedding bands are supposed to represent the love for your spouse, and now his is forever tainted with his dead dog's remains."
"Also, I can't fathom telling my future spouse that I love a pet more than I love them, a person who I'll spend the rest of my life with."
"It's not a good sign, OP."- sapphic_shenanigans
"NTA."
"I loved my cat more than I loved my partner and would have never done that to her."
"But ok, they were different kinds of love and, because of that, I agree that having separate items for each loved one would be the best."
"Now, I don't have enough context nor do I know your fiancé at all to support the next statement but it would be a good idea to analyze if it is really about grieving the dog companion or if it is to send the message that you're not as good as the dog and make you feel bad or put you 'in your place'."
"Because if so, you shouldn't be in a relationship where they want to make you feel inferior and manipulate you like that."
"However, if it is really just about coping with the loss of the pet, then think it's just a ring and what really matters is what you feel for each other."- competitive-griever
Others, however, felt the OP was being insensitive to her fiancé's grief and should have let her fiancé remember his dog however he saw fit:
"YTA."
"How does his love for his dog actually threaten you?"- Mintcrisp
"Are you the kind of person that would poke a hornet's nest and then be surprised they are annoyed?"
"Like seriously, he agreed to the compromise, and then you did it anyway."
"Stop whining about it."
"You made the choice, and now you can deal with the consequences."
"YTA because you caused your own problem."
"For Christ sake, see a therapist because being a people pleaser is one thing, but being a people pleaser who then whines about the people pleasing they chose to do is another issue entirely."-Awkward_Un1corn
While a few felt that no one was at fault, feeling the OP was justified for being weirded out, but understanding the OP's desire to want to include his dog's ashes in his ring:
"NAH."
"I can see where both of you are coming from."
"This dog clearly meant the world to him and was his companion for most of his life."
"I think giving him the ring with the dog's ashes is a way for you to show him that you care about the things he cares about."
"You said in one of your comments that he is a kind, loving, supportive partner."
"This is your way of reciprocating and showing appreciation for that, even if you don't completely agree with it or understand why it's such a big deal to him."
"It can still be a symbol of your love for each other."
"It can show him that you love him enough to do this for him, even if you don't really get it."
"It's important to him, so it's a way to show him its importantto you as well, because of how much you love him."
"Either way, I don't think this is as big of a red flag as some people are making it out to be, and 100% do not believe you should end your relationship over this."
"He cares about you, but he is still grieving, and grief can make you weird sometimes."
"Just remember there may come a time in your life when something causes you great pain, and you would hope your life partner will do whatever they can to be supportive and ease your pain/give you comfort in whatever way he can, even if he doesn't quite understand or agree with it."-randomness7262
It's not unfair to expect a wedding band to symbolize the union of you and your partner and nothing else.
That being said, no one should feel ashamed for wanting to honor their lost pet in a significant way.
Hopefully, the OP will come to realize that she needn't feel threatened by the OP's love of his dead dog.
That being said, it was probably all for the best that she honestly told him how she felt about that decision.
Honesty is always the benchmark of a healthy marriage.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.