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Guy’s Decision To Rub One Out After His Girlfriend Sends Him A Dirty Pic Backfires Painfully

Adult Male screaming and flexing his muscles.

The kitchen can be a hazardous place.

There are sharp things, things that are designed to crush and smash and lots of hot stuff.

It’s that last one that got a Redditor in a spot of trouble recently.

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They shared their tale of woe with the “Today I F’d Up” (TIFU) subReddit.

Redditor KinkiestKoala posted:

“TIFU by asking my girlfriend for a nude.”

He explained:

“My girlfriend has been away for a little over a week visiting her family. I miss her tons and am not really big into porn, so naturally I was feeling more than a little frisky by tonight.”

“As I was preparing dinner by chopping up some vegetables to go on a salad, I get a text from her and we have a little flirty back and forth before I hint that I’ve missed her sexy body and would love to see it.”

“Being the amazing GF she is, she goes to take a shower and soon sends me a selfie that makes me forget all about my dinner.”

“Cut to about ten minutes later and I’m feeling way more relaxed and satisfied. I’m just about to head back to the kitchen when I feel a disturbance in the force.”

“Every nerve around my crotch cries out at once, because apparently a tiny Vietnam era plane has carpet bombed my dick and balls with napalm.”

“As the fire nation continued its invasion of my nether regions I have the horrible realization that I had been chopping spicy peppers from my garden when my GF had texted me, and in my delirious state of sexting, had neglected to wash my hands before rubbing one out, essentially using straight mace as lube.”

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“Whooping like Tarzan on helium I sprinted for the shower, tearing off my clothes and running ice cold water straight onto my now medium rare crotch.”

“Now I’m sitting here with an ice pack on my lap, comforted only by my girlfriend trying not to die laughing in front of her family as I explain it to her.”

Redditors took every opportunity to joke at the OP’s expense.

“Even if y’all go long distance, you’ll both know you aren’t afraid to spice things up.” ~ LethalIntent024

Others remarked on the frequency of this occurrence.

At least in the TIFU subReddit.

“Is there a statistic on how many tifu posts involve spicy peppers and genitals? I feel like its in the 75 to 80 percent range.” ~ peetee33

“No. of stories where a person has touched someones intimate parts after cutting spicy peppers: 578.” ~ cztrollolcz

“I’ve read more about spicy peppers here than I’ve seen them in my whole life.” ~ mimino99

“I have a TIFU with peppers, but it doesn’t have anything to do with sex, penises, or vaginas so I knew it wouldn’t gain any traction and never posted.” ~ Wrastling97

Other Redditors offered the day late, dollar short advice that water was not the best cure for capsaicin.

“Milk helps for the heat. Not water. Good luck.”

“Wait that might just be while eating spicy things.”

“Wouldn’t hurt to give it a try lol.” ~ Naughtyexperiences

“Milk is basically soap for spicy things, the casein protein binds to the capsaicin (spicy chemical) and washes it away.”

“That’s why the pepper spray YouTube videos always have milk nearby to pour into their eyes.”

“OP should have poured a bowl and plopped it into there.” ~ LastSummerGT

“So keep milk handy just in casein. Got it.” ~ Hazeolus

“Milk in a cup, di*k in the milk. Capsaicin actually spreads out when water is added, it’s like a grease fire. Milk helps bind to it and make it burn less. Good luck brother ✌🏼” ~ cwillotree

“‘Milk in a cup, dick in the milk’ – thank you, this is not a sentence I expected to be reading tonight 😂😂” ~ bighairyteddybear

The OP provided an update to say:

“I’m following advice given by this sub, and from now on I’ll be accompanied by a gallon of milk on my culinary escapades from now on. Just in case.”

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Written by Amelia Mavis Christnot

Amelia Christnot is an Oglala Lakota, Kanien'kehá:ka Haudenosaunee and Metis Navy brat who settled in the wilds of Northern Maine. She considers herself another proud Maineiac.
Member of NAJA.