It never feels good to be excluded from parties. It can feel downright hurtful.
Automatically it makes a person wonder what they could've done or said to get them booted from the "Welcome" list.
And being the odd person out is a feeling that can last.
When everyone else is reminiscing about that one great party, there will always be that one person who can't share in the memories.
Case in point...
Redditor lightbulbjb-first wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for being upset that my in-laws held a secret Birthday dinner for my wife, with her brothers and her friends, but didn't tell or invite me (her husband)?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"For some additional context, I put together a Birthday dinner for my wife back on the week of her Birthday."
"I invited my wife's parents, who declined with the statement, 'We are unavailable that night, that is why we brought her present to her on Friday.'"
"I invited both her brothers."
"One was ill and the other never responded."
"According to my wife, I should have offered an alternative day, again, AITA for thinking that my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw]'s answer meant 'We have already celebrated?'"
"I invited her friends - only one came and they showed up almost 45 minutes late."
"Furthermore, they scheduled this secret celebration on a day they knew I could not participate."
"I have a long-standing volunteer commitment every Sunday from 8 am to 5 pm."
"The in-laws know it."
"I would have had to say 'no' to the invite regardless - not enough time to arrange a sub for my shift - but am hurt that I wasn't even asked or made aware of the event."
"I told my wife how I felt."
"She was very defensive of her parents and made a point to tell me all of the things that weren't good enough about the dinner that I had planned, really made me feel like I shouldn't have bothered trying to do anything for her."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for thinking they could have still at least asked?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"I don't know what else is going on in your marriage, and it's not the internet's business, but I can tell you that your wife is pulling away, and she's got the support of her family (which is to be expected)."
"You, however, DO know why. It's time to try to sort this out, try to get into counseling, and it's time to take a good hard look at why she doesn't feel attached enough to want you around for her birthday."
"I'm a woman. I can tell you that most women will tell you what they want."
"More than a few times."
"If you fail to acknowledge, respond, or engage in a conversation and make an active effort to make her feel like she's important to you, she will stop trying herself."
"When a woman pulls away, it's a sign of a deep problem that you have very little time to fix in a permanent way."
"Time for some soul searching, time to be honest with yourself, and listen to what she's been telling you for a long time." ~ definitelytheA
"Do you work regular hours during the week?"
"Why is this all-day, every-week volunteering thing so important?"
"When do you spend time with your wife?"
"Do you expect her to shuffle her schedule for your family but are unwilling to shuffle for hers?"
"Do you think about her interests while planning things?"
"Regarding her birthday, if you're planning an event, and you know 90% of the guests won't attend, you don't have that event on that day."
"You look at other options."
"It seems like you picked a day that was good for you, found out no one could come, then went ahead with it anyway, resulting in a guest-less party where the birthday girl feels like s**t."
"This screams missing reasons here." ~ mistressmemory
"She is getting ready to drop a divorce on him or move out with her b[oy]f[riend]."
"'Sitting down to talk' is too late."
"Cheaters all have the same tells like poker: Keeping secrets, bizarre isolating behavior, constant complaints but no constructive criticism or help, blaming the spouse or S[ignificant] O[ther] for everything even things beyond their control, financial/verbal/emotional/ physical abuse, etc."
"Asking the SO to reach standards they never had to before which are immediately unachievable."
"Accusing the SO of cheating or being unfaithful when they are cheating either emotionally or physically, emotional distance, and the silent treatment."
"I was 110lbs and 5'7" and my SO at the time started making fun of me during and after sex and demanded I lose 20 lbs."
"He'd go to parties without me, and I'd find out from his relatives or friends."
"He kept comparing me to his ex."
"Then he said my home was dirty even though I had a paid maid and my mother over twice a week cleaning after him."
"He cleared out my accounts and was with his ex on my 27th birthday at my favorite restaurant."
"I was with him for five years and had two miscarriages."
"Towards the end, he became more defensive and hostile."
"He lied about paying bills and wasn't working and he barely spent time with me." ~ Goo-mignonette_00
"NTA, but you're blind if you don't see the writing on the wall."
"It says 'better without you.'" ~ extinct_diplodocus
"It does indeed seem like your wife does not like you."
"I don't think this is about a birthday dinner going wrong, this is about your marriage."
"Curious what this commitment is that is every Sunday from 8-5?"
"Do you also work 40-50 hours a week? Do you have children?"
"Does she feel abandoned by your commitment to your volunteer activity?"
"Do you prioritize everything else above her?"
"This birthday dinner fiasco smells like resentment." ~ FeelingAnt465
"Not an excuse for her behavior or that of her family, but nine hours on Sunday sounds very excessive."
"If they have traditional work hours, Saturday is for errands and chores."
"Do they hang with friends on Saturday night?"
"Sunday might not be a sleeping-in day if they're Churchgoers, and that's often the day many people see their families for dinner if they have any living nearby."
"I don't know if he's a sports fan, but Sunday night is huge for meeting buddies at the sports bar/pub or being glued to the TV at home, either your own or someone else's."
"Where is his couple and alone time?"
"I don't think this is sustainable for anyone." ~ Pale_Cranberry1502
"You're NTA, but she's checked out of your marriage."
'Time to decide if she's worth it or if you should cut your losses." ~ Obi-Juan_Valdez
OP had a little more info...
"Apparently, it was a surprise dinner."
"She couldn't have told me in advance."
"I'm still hurt. The parents didn't say anything to me, and she continues to defend their behavior and point the blame at me."
Reddit continued...
"Going against the popular grain here, but yeah, YTA."
"You invited multiple people, and that date didn't work for them. The reasonable thing to do is ask if another date works better."
"If only 1 person showed up out of ALL the people you invited that should have been a tip-off that you screwed up somewhere."
"As for not being invited, you have a long-standing commitment during the time that worked for everyone else. Why would they ask?"
"As for your wife pointing out issues about the dinner you arranged, did she have valid points?"
"Was it someplace she enjoys or you enjoy?"
"Again, only 1 person showed up and they were late, that's a red flag to me that your plans were in fact not good."
"It's the thought that counts only works if there really was thought involved for the intended person's enjoyment." ~ Secret_Werewolf1942
"NTA. It was only a 'secret' because your wife did not invite you or insist on you being invited/accommodated."
"Your wife is IN ON THIS, and frankly, it sounds like either none of them (wife + in-laws + wife's friends) like you and/or they have inside info from her that the marriage is over."
"This sounds like 'quiet quitting.'" ~ No_Glove_1575
"NTA, but it seems to me that there is some kind of war going on between your in-laws and yourself that you are not aware of."
"It is just very odd why nobody wanted to come to the dinner that you planned and that you weren't invited to their party, that they even took care to have at a time they knew you weren't available." ~ FragrantEconomist386
"I'm a little confused about something- how far in advance did you plan your dinner?"
"Because the parents said they couldn't come, which is why they brought the present Friday, and that sounds like this was thrown together SUPER last minute and explains why no one could come/came late."
"It is weird for them not to tell you they were planning something- however it DOES sound like theirs was better planned and planned sooner, not a few days before." ~ nycbee16
"Maybe that was the only day that worked for them, and they didn't invite you because they knew of your commitment?"
"They should have told you sooner to see if you could have gotten coverage, but maybe it was last minute?"
"You're NTA for being upset, but maybe there's more to it than just trying to exclude you." ~ No_Recognition_1570
"NTA. You do have issues you need to communicate through."
"If she is dismissing you, couples counseling might be a good idea." ~ CinderDroplet
Well, OP, Reddit is a bit scattered, but it seems to be with you for the most part.
Your feelings are hurt.
And you're entitled to your feelings.
It sounds like you and your wife may need to have some serious therapy.
Family can be complicated, and this sounds like a very complicated situation.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp