Though many things can ruin a relationship, the top two factors have to be physical intimacy and financial management.
When two people cannot agree about how to manage their money, their relationship will eventually fall apart, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Elnegritito was careful with his money, and when he found out that his girlfriend was struggling, he was happy to teach her some financial management tips and to help her out.
But when he found out she was only listening to make a massive purchase later on, the Original Poster (OP) realized their relationship would not work in the long term.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for kicking my girlfriend out while she recovers from surgery?”
The OP’s girlfriend struggled with managing her finances.
“I (27 Male) have been with my girlfriend (25 Female) for three and a half-ish years.”
“We have a great relationship except for when it comes to money. She’s terrible with my money and is very impulsive when it comes to spending.”
“A year ago, I sat down with her and discussed our finances and hers was s**t, to say the least. I told her I’d help her get out of the hole she was in if she was willing to sacrifice and do the work.”
“We made plans and agreed if she could reduce her spending by a certain amount for three months in a row, she could move in with me at my townhouse and get out of her $4500 a month lease to save up and pay off her CC debts.”
Everything was going according to plan.
“She did it and moved in with me. We agreed that if the $4500 dollars. She’d put 2,000 dollars towards debt and 2500 dollars would go to a savings account.”
“She did that for the last nine months and is almost done paying off her debts.”
“She should now have about 20k in her savings.”
But then she made a huge purchase behind his back.
“Three weeks ago, she left with her cousin to visit ‘family.’ When she came back, she had gotten a Brazilian Butt Lift done.”
“Between the surgery, trip, lodging, and paying her cousin’s way, she spent nearly all of her savings.”
“I was furious over it and told her to pack up her crap and leave my place.”
The OP’s ex-girlfriend insisted he was overreacting.
“She’s since gone and has been blowing up my phone. She keeps saying she should have discussed it with me first and that I’ll love it when it’s fully healed and all kinds of stuff. She knows I wouldn’t support her doing it let alone spend that money on it.”
“She’s had to take time off work to recover and had to go straight back to using her CC.”
“She says if I don’t forgive her and take her back, she’ll be forced to where she was financially a year ago. I told her that was none of my business.”
“I think making choices means having responsibilities and dealing with the consequences. She can spend her money however she wants. That doesn’t mean I have to accept and put up with it.”
“Am I overreacting and being an a**hole?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP he was NTA and felt the ex-girlfriend needed a reality check.
“She spent 20k on a butt job and is saying you kicking her out is why she’ll be back to her old spending habits? Yeah, okay. NTA.” – Colanasour
“The fat that they must have sucked out of her head and put in her a** is making her confused.”
“If she is right back where she was a year ago, it is nobody’s f**king fault but her own.”
“And ‘But when it heals, you’ll love it’?? I really can’t stop laughing; something is seriously wrong with her.” – leolawilliams5859
“It wasn’t joint money and technically she could spend it on whatever she wanted, but it was money she was able to save under specific conditions where he took care of her and he would help her financially in a way that they had agreed upon together.”
“At the end of the day she does not share his financial values (being stable and not drowning in debt), they are not compatible and absolutely should not be together. He was right to break up with her.”
“It’s also not like she was recovering from a surgery where she had no girls to go or where she had just gotten sick. She had elective surgery and hid it from him because she knew he’d be upset that he paid her way for months to help her be financially stable for the future of their shared life and she threw it all out the window because she cannot prevent herself from buying everything she wants including a new a**.”
“NTA and good riddance.” – BojackTrashMan
“‘If I’d told you about my terrible plan, which only has enormous downsides, and which are completely contrary to what we’d previously agreed, you would have told me not to do it. That’s why I never told you about my terrible plan before I went ahead and did it anyway.'”
“Is that her argument? Because if it is, it does seem like a terrible argument.”
“She knows (or thought she knows) she can just use OP as a provider and ATM without showing any responsibility of her own. Typical…”
“NTA.” – FoxySlyOldStoatyFox
“You did a fabulous thing trying to help her, but she messed this up herself, and she has no-one to blame BUTT herself. Move on happily and debt-free. NTA.” – Plus_Data_1099
“NTA. Honestly, I’d be furious too. This isn’t just about the money; it’s about trust and respect in the relationship. You gave her a chance to get out of a financial mess, and she was doing great until she made this decision.”
“Spending nearly all her savings on something like that, especially when she knew you wouldn’t support it, feels like a huge slap in the face.”
“You’re not overreacting at all. It’s not just the money; it’s the fact that she went behind your back and completely disregarded everything you both agreed on. You’re right to set boundaries and protect yourself. She needs to learn that actions have consequences, and it’s not on you to bail her out again.” – CocoEssencee
“I’d posit that she made this decision a long time ago and saw an opportunity to make it happen with you. Surely no one just wakes up with their savings in full and thinks, ‘You know what? BBL time!'”
“The longevity of this ‘mistake’ is so dishonest and cunning, I’d be livid too. Don’t let her back in your life. She sounds unhinged. NTA.” – Generation-WHUT
Others agreed and urged the OP to not take his ex-girlfriend back.
“If you join yourself with her, you will be constantly ‘fixing’ her. And eventually, she won’t be listening (like now), and you will be stuck paying her bills. Be careful regarding pregnancy.”
“But you have a good sense of finances and stability; she’s just not a person who will continue to live within her means, so you will be constantly re-educating, helping with her debt, etc.”
“I’d stay away and look for a person who holds the same values as you. Especially being a good steward of money. Perhaps good to talk to her and let her know, as a final break up.”
“Be careful as she will guilt you and try to get you to return. But remember, this will get old fast, and you will constantly be in financial crisis mode. You deserve better. Wish you the best.” – Cola3206
“I am actually more concerned about her blowing 20k without talking to her partner first, rather than what she spent it on.”
“At least it wasn’t his or joint money, but people in a healthy relationship do not make large expenditures without consulting each other, whether a good cause, a necessity, or something frivolous.”
“OP made the right decision, just imagine how a married life would be with joint assets.” – mrstonyvu
“She had three and a half years to learn 1. you value fiscal responsibility over beauty, and 2. not getting married because of her impulsivity.”
“Making a unilateral decision to spend is fully her right, but she can’t be shocked that a 100% predictable result happened. Clearly, she’ll never learn.”
“NTA.” – Nvnv_man
“You get to decide if you want to take the risk of living like this between now and when you die.”
“When you get married, or committed long-term, and set financial goals, can you trust her?”
“Do you want to find out? She made bad financial choices before she moved in, and is still making them.”
“She is not financially compatible with you. And now she has a fake butt that will likely get some version of hard, uneven, lumpy, possibly necrotic, and still fake.” – Business_Monkey7
“NTA! Not at all! It’s the fact that you aren’t financially aligned. You don’t have the same financial goals and you’d be doing all the heavy lifting (financially) with this relationship (even if she had a good job).”
“I wish I had had a FRIEND like you at that age to help get myself on track like you helped her. Even if she had been more receptive to learning from you and improving, that would change everything, but this surgery proves she isn’t the learning type of person, at least when it comes to her finances.”
“NTA at all. Find someone who knows how to respect you, your hard work, and goals that you set together. Good luck!” – Strange-Initiative15
“It all comes down to trust and partnership, neither of which you have with her, OP.”
“I’m honestly really sorry, I know this stings. My ex put me in a bad financial situation, and I didn’t realize how bad till we broke up. He opened cards in my name. I had already moved states so I took the hit.”
“Please freeze your credit if you can. I hope she doesn’t but don’t put yourself in a place to have to file fraud charges on her.”
“My current husband did something similar to you when I found out how bad my ex ruined me. It took three years to get back on track and it was worth it. I did learn not to blindly trust a partner, that I need to be an active participant in my life, as well.”
“You will get through this but that relationship is done. Go process this and heal then get back out there.” – CuriousPenguinSocks
The subReddit not only supported the OP in ending the relationship as quickly as he did, but they also encouraged him to not second-guess what he had done. His ex-girlfriend had clearly used him and his home to save up for something only she wanted, and by never discussing it with him, it was clear it was something she only meant to do to serve herself and not the relationship.