We can all agree that dating can be a mixture of fun and cringe experiences.
But some actions are absolute dealbreakers, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor throwaway8574744699 decided a date was over when the woman he was seeing humiliated their server over a glass of water.
But when he was criticized by his sister for how he ended things, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he should have made a statement in some other way.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for not paying for the food and leaving my date stranded?”
The OP was shocked by his date’s behavior at the end of dinner.
“My sister set me up with her friend a few weeks ago.”
“Yesterday I picked her up from her house and took her to a restaurant for dinner. After we finished eating, she asked the waitress to refill her glass of water.”
“The place was packed and the waitress passed by our table multiple times.”
“Instead of a friendly reminder, she told her if she’s mentally declining, she should be in a retirement home instead of leaving people thirsty.”
“The poor woman looked like she was about to cry. She started apologizing to my date and went to get the water.”
The OP decided to make a statement.
“I was shocked, embarrassed, and angry at the same time.”
“I asked her why the f**k would she even think about that sentence, let alone say it out loud.”
“I excused myself and went to apologize to the waitress. I paid for the food I ordered, tipped her big-time, and left.”
The OP’s sister lashed out at him for it.
“This morning my sister called me angrily, saying how much of an a**hole I was for what I did to her friend.”
“Apparently, after I left, the manager threatened to call the cops if she didn’t pay. She had to call her father to send her the money for the dinner and the ride back home.”
“I explained to my sister what her friend did, but she wasn’t interested in taking my side.”
“She told me since I picked her up from her place and since it was my turn to pay for the date (we agreed ahead of time to take turns paying), I should have just done so and driven her back home or given her money for a taxi.”
“I wasn’t interested in arguing with her, so I said I’ll send the money to give to her friend and told her god have mercy on both their future boyfriends.”
“She said if they were an a**hole like me, she wouldn’t even touch them with a ten-foot pole and hung up.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were angry with the date for being rude to the server.
“NTA. Personally, I’d be glad she showed her true colors immediately so you didn’t waste anything longer than a meal with her.”
“I wouldn’t send the money for the date either. She brought it on herself by being a total a**hole.” – TKD_Mom76
“NTA, but just secretly leaving is a s**t play. At least have the backbone to confront someone on their bulls**t instead of just bailing.”
“You should have been upfront with her that you found her behavior gross, the date is over, you are paying for your own food and intend to leave.”
“Be the better person.” – mdoris411
“NTA.”
“First off, never go on a date with no money. It doesn’t matter if the other person offers to pay, it’s best to stay safe than sorry.”
“Second, what’s wrong with your sister? Why is she friends with someone who is so disrespectful to people who are just trying to do their job? I swear some people have gone mental.” – Extra-Laugh-6929
“People who are rude to service workers (excluding when they’re actually a**holes, which is rare) are outing themselves as s**tty people.”
“IMO, I think every person should have to work a service job for at least six months.” – Independent_Big3345
“I sometimes go purposely out without my wallet, like when I go out with my SO (significant other) of 19 years and don’t want to take a bag with me. My wallet is big. A present from my SO with cute squirrels on it.”
“But I always take some cash with me that I put in my phone case or in the case of my bus ticket. And I can pay with my phone nearly everywhere.”
“To feel helpless with no money when going out with a person you barely know, I really can’t understand.” – EvilFinch
“Hypocritical of the sister to say, ‘If future bf were an AH like OP, they wouldn’t touch them with a ten-foot pole,’ like hunny, I think you’re getting mixed up here.”
“Nobody would even want to hit 2nd date with entitled brats like the sister and her friend.” – HP9997
“Always bring money at least for a cab! That was drilled into my head in my twenties.”
“Anyone, but especially women, can end up in a dangerous situation where they can get to safety if they at least have money for a ride.”
“I’m going to go remind my 22-year-old that right now.” – McOctipus
But others rated the situation as ESH, as the OP’s behavior wasn’t helping matters.
“So, it seems that AITA Redditors believe that it’s okay to be an a**hole to an a**hole.”
“She was rude to a waitress, so it’s okay to go back on your agreement to pay for a date and walk out, leaving the a**hole date without transportation or apparently any ability to pay for the food that you had agreed to pay for previously, and without any ability to pay for the transportation to get home.”
“But that’s okay, because she was an a**hole first, right?”
“ESH.” – PrivateEyes2020
“For real, ESH. The date was rude, and there’s no arguing that. I can kinda understand not paying for her meal, but leaving her stranded is awful. There’s no need for that level of response.”
“Redditors like to go nuclear and respond with AH behavior when it’s ‘justified,’ but they should judge that correctly. OP’s behavior was over the top, IMO (in my opinion).”
“I would have paid if the date didn’t have money (and I agreed to ahead of time), given them a ride home, and let them know their behavior disgusted me and I won’t be seeing them again.” – zemorah
“ESH clearly, but I don’t blame him for not wanting to drive ber back, I wouldn’t want to spend one more minute sharing space with that a**hole either.”
“However, he should definitely have paid for the whole dinner, because it doesn’t only affect his date, it also affects the restaurant and the staff, and they aren’t to blame because OP decided to bring his AH date there.”
“Plus he obviously got invited last time around.” – Lukimator
“ESH for the unintended consequences on the restaurant staff that he was trying to stand up for! They now have to deal with a customer with no ability to pay, get the manager involved, and threaten to call the cops. For them, he just made an unpleasant situation worse…” – janiestiredshoes
“100%, ESH. A significantly bigger man would have paid for the date as he already agreed to do, arranged for some kind of transportation, and then never talked to her ever again.”
“Being a d**k to her just because she sucks isn’t cool, nor is the carnage he left behind in his wake, forcing the restaurant to continue dealing with her sucky a**.” – BlueGreenMikey
“It’s not a favor to do what you agreed to therefore are obligated to do if you are a decent person who stands by their word.”
“He agreed to pick her up and drop her off, but he stranded her.”
“He agreed to pay for the meal, but he did a runner.”
“He’s also s**tty. And if someone told this story and you knew that you would never do what his date did, you should still see red flags. He clearly has no sense of obligation and will make a mountain out of a molehill.”
“There was no reason why he couldn’t pay, drop her home, and then drop her.” – Nutty-Summer-Munch
“ESH. The lady was clearly an a**hole. But if it was his turn to pay, he should have paid. If he took her there, it is his responsibility to take her home.”
“Just don’t ever see her again.” – frankbeans82
“ESH.”
“I tend to think it’s an asshole move to abandon people places, go back on your word, invite people to a place of your choice under the guise of hosting and then spring expenses in them, or leave them in scary situations for revenge to ‘punish’ them.”
“Once you, as an adult, think you’re justified in doing something to punish another adult, you are in the wrong and you are an a**hole.”
“Consequences are totally fine and different. She lost your good opinion, any chance at a relationship, was told how her behavior made you think of her, etc. All good consequences. But you left her there without notice because you wanted her to suffer. So you’re an a**hole.”
“I live in an area without public transportation or ride-sharing of any kind. If you’d done something like this to a person who didn’t have family in the same city, they’d have zero way of getting home besides walking. For miles. At night.”
“Her words may have hurt the waitress’s feelings, but you ditching her there could have wound up with her facing actual bodily harm if she’d had to walk home in unsafe conditions and gotten hit by a car.”
“There also could have been long-term negative consequences if she’d been written up by the police because you were supposed to pay and she couldn’t find anyone to cover her. Seems like she doesn’t have much money if she can’t cover an unbudgeted meal. A hefty police fine can destroy a person who can’t pay it.”
“Are you seeing how the impacts are not equivalent? Hurt feelings vs. Possibly dead in a ditch/ police charges due to your actions of not paying, rather than hers of insulting the waitress. This is why you’re an a**hole.”
“Calling her a scumbag you wouldn’t date again after you dumped her at home would have been equivalent and fair.”
“I also disagree with you giving the waitress a massive tip. Apologizing? Definitely do that. But, she WAS being garbage at her job. Which you just reinforced.”
“A normal tip and a sorry would have been better. I find it bizarre that we have enshrined wait staff as irreproachable regardless of service. She didn’t deserve to be insulted, but she didn’t deserve a massive reward payout, either.” – millac7
The subReddit could agree that the date had been inappropriate, but they were divided on how the OP responded.
Some could understand making a statement and otherwise not wanting to spend any more time with the date.
But others were more concerned about the date’s safety and two wrongs not making a right. Just because the date behaved horribly didn’t necessarily give the OP the right to behave in any way he wished in order to make a statement.