We all like feeling special.
There are certain days, though, where it’s not so much a request to feel special as it is a norm to be applauded.
Birthdays, anniversaries. You get it.
We like to set aside special days because, in a mad world, it can be easy to take the people you love for granted.
So, what happens when you leave your loved one feeling neglected or forgotten on their special day?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) HotInspection7058 when he came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
AITA for kind of missing my wife’s birthday
A brief setup
“I (32M) have been married to B (30F) for about four years.”
“Her 30th birthday fell on a Saturday.”
“Her friends threw her a small party for that night.”
“Since we weren’t due to arrive at the party until later in the evening, I decided to go golf.”
A hint of things to come.
“My wife seemed a bit irritated when I told her I was leaving, but she didn’t say anything or ask me not to.”
“It was a bit crowded at the course, so the game took a bit long.”
“I got home a little less than an hour before we were due to leave. I was a bit rushed in getting ready.”
“My wife was upset with me because she spent the entire day alone and told me that I do not care much about her. If she would’ve asked, I would’ve stayed.
OP was left to wonder,
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: YTA
OP seemed particularly oblivious.
“YTA no one should have to ask their SO to spend time with them on their birthday!” ~ Individual_Brush_116
“She should not have to ask you to not go. It should be obvious that you don’t do a solo time-consuming activity on her bday instead of spending time with her.”
“I am sure she was also upset that you were late returning and rushed getting ready, which is fair.”
“YTA.” ~ Giraffes-anonymous
“It’s really that line:”
‘“If she would have asked, I would have stayed”’.
“And if we ask every time we want something, we’re needy, and we’re nagging, we’re so demanding. 🙄”
“And also if you don’t want to spend time with her why are you with her?”
“Go golf and enjoy your single life.” ~ ClaudiaTale
“He didn’t even throw his wife a milestone birthday party.”
“Her friends were the ones who took the time to plan and spend money to host this party for their friend, not her husband.”
“Since all the hard work and money was being spent by other people, he decided golfing was more important than at least spending time with his wife.” ~ GoodQueenFluffenChop
Some thought this was more insidious.
“He’s not clueless. He knows.”
“He’s just weaponizing his incompetence.”
‘“I would’ve stayed if she asked me to, but she didn’t.”’
‘“I was hoping to get away with doing my own thing if she didn’t say anything about it, which is what I thought was happening, til she did complain about my incompetence and lack of being a good, loving and supportive partner.”‘
“‘Well, how could I have known if she didn’t say anything til last minute?”’ ~ Dazzling_Mode_6929
‘“If she asked, I would have stayed.”’
“Do you seriously have so little emotional awareness that you have to be told you shouldn’t go golfing the afternoon of your wife’s milestone birthday?”
“A round of golf takes at least 4 hours, plus getting to and from the course, and the inevitable stop at the 19th hole.”
“OF COURSE she thinks you don’t care about her.”
“Why did her friends have to plan the party? Why did it not occur to you to plan it?”
“YTA, duh.” ~ MissLili415
I am including this for the use of ‘Jack Wagon.’
“YTA: 100% man.”
“You left your wife hanging on her birthday to go play.”
“You’re even displaying it here by saying ‘kind of missing my wife’s birthday’ instead of saying what you did, which was leaving your wife on her own for her birthday.”
“You’re also blaming others for your bad decision by talking about the course being busy and how your wife didn’t say anything about you going.”
“Come on man, you know you were wrong!”
“You’ve been together for four years now and should have some sort of idea about how she would feel about you skipping out on hanging out with her for a golf outing.”
“Do something to make up for being a jackwagon, and more importantly, let her know how special she is to you.”
“You may regret it if you don’t and someone else does.” ~ aleeshanks
Commenters did not hold back.
“What is wrong with you?”
“You had to know you were the AH.”
“You put your plans above hers ON HER BIRTHDAY. You treated it like it was any other day of the week with competing priorities.”
“YTA.” ~ Good_From_70
“Such a cruel thing to do, then on top of that to blame her for not asking you to choose her on her birthday over a game of golf?”
“Yeah YTA” ~ CellApprehensive7651
“OP you need to STOP with that ‘I would’ve done something else had she said so’ nonsense.”
“You are a fully grown man, not a kid.”
“Your WIFE should not HAVE to ask you to spend time with her on her birthday.”
“Also – your wife shouldn’t have to ask you to do chores that you should already be doing. (I am not saying she is BUT it wouldn’t surprise me if this is also the case)”
“You are putting all of the emotional/mental labor on her. As if you’re incapable of doing the right thing without being told.” ~ blackcrowblue
Of course, there were personal stories.
“My 50th my husband had a bike riding weekend away.”
“That I was ok with as I had agreed , and i was massively spoilt by friends over 2 nights.”
“My present ….some candles.”
“Then there was the one I got a magnetic knife holder and knives, and he got annoyed a friend got me a better present. Yes, we still together.” ~ PsychologicalBit5422
“It has happened to me, and it sucks..”
“But even worse is that you would think they are sincere when apologizing for forgetting/ prioritizing something else but then they would do something.”
“Like properly make up for it. OP should not just apologize but literally take her out and make her feel like he actually cares.” ~ lndlml
“On my 30th my ex was taking several hours to arrive at the hotel I had booked and paid for because he was either:”
“Hanging out with his druggie mates/doing drugs or looking at home for stuff of mine to take with him to the hotel and pretend that he had bought me these things of mine as a present.”
“He honestly thought I wouldn’t realize that I already owned the item, and it was actually mine already.”
“I wish I was joking 😂” ~ cheyennetiara
Though not everyone was convinced that OP was in the wrong.
“NTA Let me briefly explain…”
“Many people (myself included and I’m very much working on this) are working off the mindset of people reading their minds on their wants.”
“If you want someone to do something, COMMUNICATE.”
“It would’ve been better for the wife to say, ‘I’d like to spend the day with you since it’s my birthday. I’d prefer you not go golfing’ It’s actually that simple.”
“It’s not controlling.”
“If he were to ignore that or say ‘F you I’m going’ then yes he would’ve been the AH*”.
“Men do not put the same weight on things that women do; they just don’t.”
“COMMUNICATE DIRECTLY. SET EXPECTATIONS.”
“VOICE YOUR NEEDS.”
“I didn’t get very many gifts in my relationship because I never made it clear that I wanted gifts.”
“Y’all need to go listen to the 2 Be Better podcast if you think this man is the A******.”
“It is okay to ask for things and far better to ask than to simply expect.” ~ Own-Investigator7069
“I’m going to go against the grain and say NTA.”
“The fact that so many people on this thread believe it’s the man’s job to read his wife’s mind is wild.”
“The wife is a fully grown adult and needs to communicate her needs. I have multiple friends who prefer spending their birthdays alone.”
“I still would choose to spend the day with my partner, but I also would expect my partner to communicate their needs.”
“Telling me not doing something is fine and then getting mad at me for not doing the thing is BS.”
“Be an adult and communicate your needs 👏” ~ Miserable_Lock_7705
Experts say that up to 70% of our communication is nonverbal.
Posture, gestures, facial expression – there are tons of ways that we communicate that have nothing to do with the actual words we decide to use.
So, when we say things like “Oh, you should’ve asked” or “Why didn’t you tell me?” it’s likely that they did.
We just didn’t wanna see it.