In a relationship, you want to be as honest and upfront as possible.
You should tell a possible partner all about the best and worst of you.
But somethings, some privacies are ours to keep until we’re ready.
However, holding out can lead to trouble.
Case in point…
Redditor Unfair-Accountant-18 wanted to discuss her story for some feedback. So naturally she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for laughing at my boyfriends freak out and not telling him I have a prosthetic earlier?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (22 F[emale]) have a prosthetic leg.”
“I lost my leg when I was 3 years old in an accident and honestly I don’t remember a time without the prosthetic it’s just normal to me.”
“I’ve been seeing a guy (25 M[ale]) for a couple of months, but the subject of my leg hadn’t come up yet.”
“A few days ago I was having dinner at his place as he cooked for me, when he was setting out the food he bumped into the table and the vase went flying off and smashed against my prosthetic leg.”
“He freaked the hell out in a blind panic wanting me to roll up my trouser leg in case I was hurt asking me over and over again if I was ok.”
“I admit I was startled and relieved it had been that leg and couldn’t help laughing and I reassured him it was fine over and over again.”
“But he didn’t believe me and demanded to see.”
“So to prove it, I removed my prosthetic leg showing it to him and explained the situation and how I’d lost my leg when I was little.”
“I then told him it was fine if it was that leg and I was just relieved it wasn’t the other.”
“He got upset with me for laughing, clearly embarrassed by this situation and was more upset that I hadn’t told him about my leg yet.”
“I apologized and explained it’s not exactly an easy thing to work into conversation organically.”
“And I’d have for sure given him a heads up before we slept together for the first time as no one wants to discover that the hard way.”
“He cleaned up the glass and I put my leg back on and we had dinner though the mood was ruined and he was clearly unhappy with me.”
“Later I got some texts from him saying he felt really upset that I hadn’t told him earlier and how he’d been worried and I’d laughed.”
“He has said he needs time to think about some things.”
“My laughter wasn’t at him.”
“More the shock of the situation and I tried to explain that but he has asked me to give him some space.”
“I had been planning to tell him, but it’s not like you can just say…’ hey oh, by the way I only have one leg that cool?’ naturally in a conversation.”
“Was I the a**hole here?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“NAH. He was shocked, then more shocked.”
“You were surprised, and laughed, and told him something he didn’t know.”
“People laugh at funerals.”
“People cry at inopportune moments. Humans are complicated.”
“Either he will get over it (this should be quick) or he will reveal himself to be a dramatic festival of self absorption.”
“Either way, you should know by tomorrow.”
“And you did nothing wrong.” ~ Apotheuncary
“Ehhh… if a big vase comes crashing down on a person and smashes, you’re going to assume it caused some degree of injury.”
“Her reaction wasn’t aligning with his expectation because it was a prosthetic, but he lacked that context.”
“He was entirely justified to be confused/perplexed/concerned by that.”
“The fact that he had to press the issue to finally have OP reveal her prosthetic suggests that she was hiding it.”
“This was the perfect time for her to be like ‘no worries – I have a prosthetic, so I am fine!'”
“But she didn’t. She tried to deflect and avoid it until he pressed.”
“OP was being secretive about it.”
“I don’t think OP has to disclose her medical status if she doesn’t want to.”
“But the fact that she didn’t could be a red flag for the people she dates.”
“If I was dating a guy for a while and he neglected to tell me something major (and was also actively trying to keep it secret from me), I would wonder what else he would hide from me.”
“It would also make me question their perception of my character (i.e., do they think I am untrustworthy, ableist, etc.?).”
“I understand why he feels the need to reflect on the situation.”
“I say NAH, but I do think OP’s lack of honesty/transparency is going to hinder their ability to connect with future partners.” ~ theresbeans
“So you’re not an amputee or have never dated an amputee have you?”
“Especially one that’s gone through their teens and tried dating with a limb difference.”
“Many amputees who have been amputees through puberty, early dating, the stupidity of high school, aren’t always forthcoming right away about their amputations.”
“There is a level of trust needed to feel comfortable in doing this.”
“Rejection sucks but it gets worse when you’ve had to face it over and over due to your limb difference.”
“If they aren’t close enough to have become intimate yet then obviously there is a level of trust that still needs to be built.”
“OP indicated the conversation would have happened before they became intimate which is fine timing.”
“She doesn’t owe him or you or anyone the right to know about her body, before she’s ready to share.” ~ Techgal74
Some others did take issue…
“YTA. He was genuine in his reaction, you were dismissive, and rude.”
“He’s asking if you are okay, completely distressed, worried about accidentally hurting you and you just took of your leg?”
“Instead of, you know, explaining shit first?”
“No wonder he needs time to process this.”
“Bring on the downvotes!” ~ dyingintheoffice
“I get it’s not easy to bring it up in conversation, but from his point of view that is definitely long enough to find a way.”
“So it looks like you were purposely hiding it.”
“It makes sense that he needs some time to sought through it.”
“He’s basically trying to decide if you were hiding it on purpose or just hadn’t mentioned it yet.” ~ Jemma_2
“I don’t know – It’s not at all hard to bring up in conversation, but it is scary to fear the rejection.”
“Trust me, I get it, I struggle all the time with figuring out how to let someone casually know I have cancer.”
“See? look at that! dropped my huge disability right there in the first paragraph to establish credibility, unprompted, ez pz)
“I was on a hike yesterday and my prosthetic was giving me trouble.”
“Any childhood story or anecdote where it’s essential to understanding the story.”
“Another story like the one with him where the leg being a prosthetic saved the day.”
“You could pick a TV show or a movie that’s got a relatable character and use that as an entry point for conversation.
“You could talk about a relevant news article.”
“You could have asked each other getting to know you questions and worked it in that way.”
“Traded stories on who your heroes are and said it was another amputee or your osteo doctor or something else.”
“Or you know, just straight up saying it.”
“It’s not that difficult to fabricate a way to bring it up.”
“IF you’re actually looking to tell the other person that is.”
“I do it all the time with dates, as someone with cancer.”
“If it was something they wanted their BOYFRIEND to know, they would have told him.”
“It’s not hard. OP, YTA.” ~ Renegadekate
“Light YTA.”
“Not necessarily for not telling him yet because that’s your choice, but I think you handled the situation wrong.”
“I think it’s that you laughed and then (the way it comes off to me in your post) when you took off the leg and how you explained the situation.”
“It sounded like you treated it like a joke when he was really concerned for your well being and then gets a shock.”
“That does come off as laughing at someone.” ~ LJ_Val
But most of Reddit was in agreement…
“NAH. After a few months you should have mentioned it.”
“Assuming things are getting serious and you plan to be intimate or start doing other activities together.”
“It’s going to become something he needs to be aware of.” ~ GMUcovidta
“NTA. It’s your leg, or lack thereof lol.”
“You can tell him whenever you’re ready to do so, that’s your right.”
“You also apologized for laughing and explained why you didn’t bring it up sooner.”
“Just give him some space, he’ll either get over it on his own or he won’t.”
“And if he doesn’t then is that a person you want to spend your time with anyways?”
“I thought the story was actually pretty cute, as far as missing legs go.”
“He could have been a bit more secure about it, it’s not like you were keeping it a secret from him.” ~ r-argument-weak
Well OP… it’s not a perfect situation, but Reddit sees it as your secret to tell.
Hopefully this will all work out.
And if it doesn’t, maybe next time be a little more upfront sooner.