The trouble with family is that they knew you when you were young.
They know the silly things you did, the dangerous stunts you pulled, and all the little lies you told.
Particularly as parents, our instinct is to hide those mistakes from our kids and raise them “properly”.
So, what happens when you accidentally shatter the facade of a parent during an argument?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Remarkable_Limit_179 when he came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
He asked:
“AITA for telling my niece about her dad’s nipple piercing”Â
Introductions.
“I (m46) have a brother (47), and he has a daughter (17).”
“My brother and I had a rough childhood and were pretty wild in our teens and early 20s.”
“We did stuff most people wouldn’t want their kids to know about which is understandable.”
The situation at hand.
“Well, last night I was over at my brother’s.”
“My niece was visibly upset I asked what was up. Well, my niece end up getting her nose pierced without telling either my brother or SIL (her mom).”
“While her mom wasn’t mad. My brother was mad.”
“Where we live you can get most piercings without parental consent at 16.”
“It was just a simple nostril piercing a little stud barely noticeable honestly.”
“My niece is a very good kid. Gets amazing grades, and is kind and respectful, honestly, this is probably the most ‘bad’ thing she’s done.”
“Well like I said my brother is mad about the nose piercing saying he doesn’t want to see that on her face.”
“And my niece was trying to argue that it’s not permanent so he shouldn’t care because she could always take it out In the future. It’s not a forever thing.”
“Well, I wasn’t thinking and said you don’t really have room to talk considering you had your nipples pierced.”
“My niece’s mouth dropped and said that just makes him a hypocrite for getting upset she has her nose pierced.”
“My brother said I’m the biggest AH for outing him to his daughter saying that something he didn’t want her to know about.”
“I wasn’t really thinking and just said it because that’s what I was personally thinking. Now bro isn’t talking to me.”
OP was left to wonder,
“So AITA?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Weirdly possessive.
“His reaction seems overblown, in my opinion. Overall I’d say you’re NTA.” ~ SnooStrawberries721
“I’m extremely wary of fathers/father figures who obsessively want to control their daughters’ appearances” ~ jabberwockjess
“Yeah the phrasing is super weird too.”
“If he had some outdated notion that it would affect her career or something at least it would be understandable but he said that he didn’t want to see it on her face meaning his comfort > her autonomy.” ~ ohnoguts
Hypocrisy!
“Yep, and it’s not like the OP was wrong. NTA.”
“He was being a massive hypocrite and giving his daughter out-of-proportion grief for something that’s about the same as getting ears pierced when I was a teenager.”
“I mean, it’s incredibly common, and as she said, not permanent. He’s acting like she got a full sleeve tattoo.” ~ errantknight1
“Nah… yelling at a kid for something you also did as a kid is wrong.”
“The best thing you can do is relate to them and explain why you’d rather they didn’t do it.”
“Otherwise, you have zero credibility, and when they find out… like in this case… they will lose respect for you that might last a lifetime.”
“So, especially in cases where the behavior is not harmful, you need to support their decisions. Otherwise, you throw out a relationship over literally nothing.” ~ Lou_C_Fer
“NTA”
“Your brother is indeed an hypocrite, and your niece is more than old enough to decide to get a piercing on her own.” ~ brisemartel
“NTA.”
“He’s a hypocrite.”
“If he got a piercing, and removed it later on, he should be able to accept the fact she can do the same.”
“Nose piercings do not leave obvious scars like cheek piercings do either, so I really don’t get the issue.”
“She’s legally allowed to get it, and even if she wasn’t, she’d just wait until 18 and get it done anyways.”
“Your brother needs to start loosening his grasp.”
“She’s an adult in a year, and he won’t be able to stop her from doing anything she wants.”
“(Unless he tries to threaten her with homelessness, if she doesn’t listen, or something, but plenty of kids just move out or live on their college campuses when that happens so..)” ~ YearOutrageous2333
Scarring concerns?
“I have several removed piercings that have healed over. You can see the scar if I point it out or feel it if you rub your finger over it, but no one has ever noticed beyond that.” ~ toomanycatsbatman
“Yeah I have an eyebrow piercing ‘scar’ that you can only see if you’re like less than a foot away. It’s basically just two barely there circular indents.” ~ NiceChocolate
“And it’s not like having scars is all that hard to achieve accidentally.”
“Way I see it, at least you got some use out of piercing scars. I’ve had a scar on my chin for years now from hitting my chin on the floor in highschool.”
“NTA” ~ Gem_Daddy
“I still have the nose piercing scar 20 years later, and it’s pretty visible when I’m wearing make up.”
“Still, it’s a small thing that no one would notice unless I bring it to attention myself. And who cares? It was just a nose piercing.”
“NTA.”
“I understand the brother feeling exposed, but he is blowing this out of proportion.”
“The kid is old enough to decide something like this, in just a couple of years she’ll be actually making every one of her choices.”
“Better to build a relationship based on mutual understanding than her becoming estranged because dad is a control freak that can’t accept her growing up.” ~ redianne
“The worst piercing scar I have is from my eyebrow when it started migrating, it’s about the size of a pencil eraser and kind of f*cks with my brow definition… “
“And literally one person in my life has pointed it out to me. Most people I’ve told about it say they didn’t even notice until I pointed it out.”
“Honestly, if the worst decision about body mods I’ve ever made is a piercing that left a small scar, I’d say I’ve been pretty f*cking smart.” ~ babybrass
“NTA”
“People oversell the presence of ‘scars on your face forever,’ when well healed piercing scars (depending on gauge and whether or not there was an infection) are more or less the size of a freckle.”
“That, and I know for sure my parents telling me ‘no’ to piercings only made me more determined to get one.” ~ oooooilovethisdriink
Body Autonomy?
“And having a piercing is morally neutral.”
“What isn’t morally neutral is trying to deny someone their legally protected bodily autonomy. Sorry this is gonna upset you, but what daddy wants doesn’t matter and he has no right to get mad.” ~ MummyAnsem
Interference won’t be tolerated.
“Yes. You’re the AH.”
“It is NOT your place to tell your brother’s story. That’s being a bully and a jerk. People have a right to their privacy, and unless it hurt you in some way, there is no reason to tell it.”
“You embarrassed your brother. But worse, you destroyed a level of trust between him and his daughter.”
“And yes, it’s a big deal. At some point, she is gonna think, “dad lied to me.” Which he didn’t. But because of YOU, it will look that way”
“Edit: I have no opinion on the piercing.”
“That’s up to the young lady and her parents. Soley on what you did – YTA.” ~ jennyfab216
“Yes, you are the a**hole. A parent has the right to control what their child knows about them and doing something like what you did destroyed all credibility he had with his daughter.” ~ CussedBlennius
“I’d say YTA.”
“What you said is true and right. He was being a hypocrite. Plus, she was within her legal rights.”
“That being said, she’s still a teen who I’m assuming lives at home.”
“So the parents are allowed to set rules… and this simply wasn’t your place to get involved.”
“Apologize not for lying, but for getting involved in something you shouldn’t have been involved in. In a few years, you’ll all laugh about this.” ~ apiedcockatiel
“TA for getting mixed up in a parent-child argument.”
“Not for saying what you did but for the mindset you seem to have about it.”
“Your opinion in the matter doesn’t matter.”
“Also for giving others information about a person, they can disclose themselves should they want to, worse in their present. I would be pissed off too if a sibling did that to me.” ~ Lavalampion
A curated past doesn’t do anyone any good.
The lessons you learned from those scars and failures and frightening moments are valuable.
Teaching those lessons to others can be difficult and painful, but the alternative can be worse.
The difference between being a hypocrite and a teacher is in the lesson plan.