When helping our family, things can become overwhelming.
Yes, as humans, we are supposed to be there for one another.
When times are tough, everyone circles the wagons.
But sometimes those wagons aren’t close.
And people have their own lives to live.
That can cause some hurt feelings.
Case in point…
Redditor AlarmingCrew6726 to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
“AITA for not helping my sister with her newborn twins?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I am a 26 F[female], and I have a younger sister Sadie (19 F), and we don’t talk often.”
“She lives in Canada with her newborn twins, Iris and Laila.”
“I moved to England a few years ago to study at my dream university.”
“I ended up staying there with my now husband, Lewis (30 M[ale]).”
“Sadie got pregnant at 18 with Tyler, her boyfriend at that time.”
“Tyler and his sister ended up in a car accident a few months after she announced she was pregnant.”
“He and his sister didn’t end up surviving the accident.”
“Sadie was very upset during the rest of her pregnancy.”
“My parents were luckily there to help her out.”
“After her babies were born, my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer because of all his smoking.”
“My mom had to help my dad out a lot and didn’t have as much time to help Sadie with her twins.”
“Sadie reached out to me a few months ago and asked if we could send her some money every month so she could hire a babysitter for her kids and help my dad.”
“Lewis and I agreed since we were financially stable and could afford it.”
“She was very thankful to us, but a few weeks ago, she reached out again and asked if we could move back to Canada to help with the twins.”
“This time, Lewis and I refused.”
“I feel like it’s too much, we’ve built a life here in England, and my husband has a demanding job here, and it would take him a while to find another one in Canada.”
“My mom has sent me a few texts begging for me to come back because they could really use the help.”
“Some info on Tyler’s family: Tyler’s sister is actually his half-sister.”
“They share a dad.”
“His sister is over a decade older than him and has raised Tyler since he was 11.”
“His mom died while giving birth to him, and their dad died of a terminal illness.”
“His sister’s mom just wasn’t in her life.”
“Now, I feel kind of bad, AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“You’re not required to uproot your life to be additional parents to your sister’s children.”
“She was fine to ask, and you’re fine to say no. NAH.” ~ mdthomas
“She’s a 19-year-old with newborn twins and a dead baby daddy.”
“I doubt she’s concerned with things like etiquette and boundaries right now, and is far more concerned with survival and getting the help she obviously needs.”
“I’d cut her a little bit of slack here.” ~ andandandetc
“It takes a village is so true.”
“I’m extremely grateful for our family whenever they watch my kids.”
“That said: they also have the right to say no. Twins are hard.”
“Husband/dad with a terminal illness is hard.”
“Nah. Sorry OP, this is all so heavy for everyone, and a great deal of mourning happening too.” ~ bto320159
“OP agreed to her sister’s request for money every month for the babies and to help her dad.”
“How is this ‘not assisting at all?'”
“Continuing to insist OP and husband emigrate to Canada to financially, emotionally and physically support sister, babies, mother, and father is ridiculously selfish.” ~ Toriju9
“I agree, it is a lot. I think probably no one is thinking clearly though over in OP’s family’s household though.”
“I think the mom is starting to tear into a**hole territory for pushing the issue, but the situation is just such a disaster.”
“Sister is a teen mom with no support from the father’s side since they are all dead. Her dad may be dying, so her mom can’t help her with her babies.”
“Mom is desperately trying to hold the situation together, probably never expected her daughter would become a single teen mom to twins at the same time her husband might be dying.”
“I think they are drowning and grasping at any straws they can.”
“So I don’t really want to say they are a**holes. I think they have literally no idea what to do and badly need help.”
“OP is justified in not uprooting her life, but it’s just a terrible situation for the family.” ~ scarletnightingale
“You do realize you’re talking about two different countries that have their own immigration laws, right?”
“Who says she could even legally move there?”
“You talk like it’s as simple as hopping a bus – especially for someone who is most definitely not qualified in areas required to make a successful transition at this time.”
“In this case, she probably wouldn’t qualify much for the assistance and would be totally dependent on OP.”
“Sorry, but there are mechanisms and assistance she can and should access in Canada – she needs to focus on those.”
“Perhaps what we’re seeing here is desperation and immaturity on the part of teen mom, but this isn’t the time for the head in the sands thinking.”
“I truly feel for all parties involved, but the totally unreasonable request for OP and husband to immigrate to provide support the way asked is a nonstarter. NTA.” ~ BarbJem
“Yeah, I don’t think she’s an AH for asking, but she needs to respect that it’s a massive thing to ask and not something she has a right to demand.”
“She chose to move forward with having children she couldn’t support.”
“I presume they were unplanned.”
“I realize not having the father in the picture wasn’t planned, but having twins at 19 was going to be extremely precarious even under better circumstances.”
“OP doesn’t have to sacrifice her life because of her sister’s less-than-great life choices.” ~ allison375962
“There’s a difference between requesting and asking.”
“One has expectations behind it, and one doesn’t.”
“‘Please do this’ is different from ‘Is this something you’d be willing/able to do?’”
“There’s no harm in asking, even for big things, as long as you’re realistic about the situation and your expectations and willing to accept a no.”
“Assuming you have a good enough relationship with the person, of course.”
“If someone I cared about was in a difficult or desperate situation and they had an ask that they were worried was too big.”
“I’d rather they just ask me even if I have to say no than not ask me at all because they don’t want to seem rude.”
“I want to help the people I care about if I feasibly can.”
“Or maybe I can’t help in the way they’re asking, but I can do something else.”
“But I wouldn’t know unless they asked.”
“Mom is acting out of line because mom clearly has expectations that OP will do it and isn’t respecting the no.”
“We don’t know exactly how sister asked or how she’s taking it.”
“But OP doesn’t seem offended by the fact that she asked and apparently didn’t find her reaction worth describing, so I’m leaning towards it being more of a genuine ask than an entitled request.” ~ CumulativeHazard
“Naw, it’s fine to ask because she’s basically shooting her shot, and the worst OP can do is say no.”
“But moving across the ocean is an absolutely massive ask, and I’d fully expect to be told no if I were the 19-year-old sister.”
“I’d still ask because it’d help a lot, but I’d definitely expect a no on that front because that’s a huge ask.”
“But no, OP is not required to say yes, because that is a huge financial burden AND risk they’d be taking on to move like that.”
“Even if they said yes, they’d be looking at months before they could likely make that move happen.”
“Hell, I’d be more inclined in that situation to send more money rather than moving so far myself if I could help out, but I wouldn’t move to go help raise my nieces.” ~ LilyHex
“I do agree between the lines it reads very judgmentally against her sister’s choices and situation.”
“OP is well within her rights not to move back. That is too much for any of the family in Canada to expect of them.”
“But no need for the shade against her sister, at least as far as we know from this post.”
“Given it appears their dad is also dying, I do wonder if OP might not regret at least not going back for one or more 2-week or so stints this year to help out temporarily at this time.”
“Once they no longer need her help, if she has been absent entirely, it may affect their relationship. That’s just the way it is.”
“I say this as the kid who moved away myself.” ~ Thymelaeaceae
“Asking a family member to MOVE COUNTRIES SEPARATED BY AN OCEAN for your convenience is WAAAAAAAAAAAY over the line of acceptable requests. NTA.” ~ JuliaX1984
Well, OP, sounds like Reddit is with you and the hubby.
That is no small favor.
Maybe you could plan some lengthy visits over the course of the next few years.
Your family is going to have to understand that you’re entitled to your own life.
Good luck to all of you.