It’s true that love comes in all forms, and people should not be told who they can and cannot love.
However, their love should also come in the form of respect for their partner, which of course includes their race and beliefs, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
The Redditor, who has since deleted her account, was frustrated with her white husband for commenting on her Black hair and how she chose to care for it.
But when he accused her of being racist and them needing couple’s counseling, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she took her frustrations too far.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my husband he ‘should have just married a white woman’?”
The OP was careful about taking care of her hair.
“For context, I’m a Black woman and my husband is white. I have 4C hair and I wrap my hair in a satin scarf to go to bed.”
“For those of you who don’t know what that means, basically, my hair curl pattern is really tightly coiled, so my hair texture is kinky and easily tangled and easily breakable if not taken care of well.”
“I used to sleep on a satin pillowcase when my hair was shorter and had a lower chance of tangling while I tossed and turned in my sleep.”
“But recently I’ve added oils to my nightly routine and since my hair is a bit past my shoulders now, the chances of it tangling are higher, and I don’t want my pillowcases to get soaked with oils, so I started wrapping my hair up again.”
Her husband made insensitive comments about her hair care.
“The first night I wore it, my husband said that I looked like a slave, which, okay, was a little bit funny and a little bit true in my scarf and nightgown combo, so I let him have that one.”
“But since then, it’s the little comments when I get into bed. Like, ‘Are we doing the slave tonight?’ or, ‘Should I help you into bed, grandma?’ Little things like that.”
“I’ve explained why l do it, and I think he understands that but he simply doesn’t like it and my hope was that he’d get used to it by now.”
The jokes escalated.
“Last night, I was getting ready for bed and I couldn’t find my scarf anywhere, so I asked DH (Dear Husband) if he’d seen it. He admitted that the hid it but wouldn’t tell me where.”
“He wouldn’t stop joking around even when I got visibly upset and said he wished he could run his fingers through my hair or something along those lines. I snapped and said if he wanted that, he should have married a white woman.”
“He got really quiet after that and told me where he hid it.”
The OP wasn’t sure what to do next.
“We haven’t talked much about it but there’s this air of awkwardness.”
“The only times he mentioned it was this morning when he said that we should look into counseling for our ‘race issues’ and that I made him feel really racist and I didn’t think about it that way.”
“I thought he was upset because I yelled at him but I didn’t think it was the statement itself (granted I probably should not have brought race into it but I wanted to illustrate a point). But now he’s suggesting couples counseling to get through our ‘race issues’?”
“I don’t think it was that serious and I don’t want to go through all that.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed the couple needed counseling, but the OP wasn’t the one being racist.
“He’s all high and mighty, thinking what she said is racist, but most therapists are going to be on her side. NTA.” – External-RazzmaTazz
“A good counselor will realize that the OP isn’t the problem here, and it’ll give OP a safe and supportive place to call out her husband’s issues with him.” – FriendlyCoat
“There’s nothing ‘micro’ about telling a Black person they look like a slave. These are some f**king macroaggressions.” – thatboyistrouble
“I read the title and expected the judgment to be N T A because I just assumed the husband is racist as f**k because otherwise, no one would probably ever say this. Then after reading the post it just confirmed what I thought.”
“Maybe it’s because I’m white, so I just expected her husband to be white and racist against his Black wife. Which was confirmed to be the case.” – Lulullaby_
“I’m pretty sure his comments count as microaggressions. OP called him out on something he couldn’t see was racist, so now he is projecting the race factor into her comment.”
“I think that counseling is a good idea, he needs to learn how to accept OP’s qualities that come with the fact that she is Black.” – aarnalthea
“My last girlfriend was a POC (Person of Color) and had very kinky hair but to be honest, I liked playing with it. I learned how to do braids and stuff, too, which for my butch a** was an accomplishment!”
“I can’t imagine saying that s**t to her. The total lack of awareness, what the f**k is wrong with you. On the first night she tries a routine, and you say she looks like a slave, and then call her a grandma or variation on the slave comment, all leading up to you hiding her s**t and borderline gaslighting her, all because you don’t like how she looks while SLEEPING.”
“Bro, you’re going to bed, why the f**k do you care? Half the time I looked like dobby hobbling onto my side of the bed.”
“OP, please, please, find someone who actually takes the time to understand you AND can respect your routines when it comes to caring for yourself. This guy sounds like he doesn’t give a f**k. At this point, it boils down to the fact he doesn’t like what she’s wearing to bed. Which is f**king insane on its own minus the racist bulls**t.”
“Also, because I don’t want to give the impression that I’m dismissing her being okay with the first joke, I understand. Not that you can’t make jokes like that, but in this context, I was like, ‘Ohhh yikes, but eh, she’s cool with it…’ until she said he kept making those comments and that the continuation of them bothered her.” – Ironheart616
Others were really fed up with people feeling entitled to touch other people’s hair.
“I have a Black partner, and his hair is very short, and still it’s a ton of work for him to get it how he likes (waves), so I know to just, you know, not touch it. People have boundaries, and regardless of if you understand them… Respect them.” – clarinetJWD
“I don’t think that’s why she’s keeping good care of her hair. I think she likes having nice hair.”
“I don’t understand people wanting to run their hands through other people’s hair.”
“I have long, straight hair, theoretically less likely to tangle and I hate when people try to run their fingers through my hair.”
“Every past partner I had would do that and it fucking hurts. My hair is down for ten seconds and it tangles.” – wetastelikejesus
“Chris Rock’s documentary ‘Good Hair’ features men saying they wish that they could run their hands through their partner’s curly hair for intimacy and white women aren’t as high maintenance. It’s so insulting.” – radiosburning
“It comes from the lack of actual interaction with women outside of black women. All they hear are stereotypes about how [enter another race here] is better than black women because of [xyz stupid a** reason].”
“I lived with 3 white women my freshman year of college, although we were different in a lot of ways, they did not put up with half the bullshit stereotypes said they would. If anything I learned how to finesse a man properly living with them. Godd**n, they were so good at being cute and finessing men.” – CosmicConfusion94
“Eh. Curly hair in general is really difficult to run fingers through (no matter the race). I doubt he could run his fingers through her hair anyway.”
“But that’s something he should have thought about before marriage if it’s so d**n important.”
“If I had to guess, it probably kills his sex drive.” – sarcazm
“As a white woman with bone-straight hair, I hate when people run their fingers through it. I don’t know where their hands have been it’s gross and my hair tangles too and it doesn’t feel great when their fingers hit that tangle. Or worse they create a tangle now I have to go brush it out.”
“People just shouldn’t f**k with our hair in general unless we give them express permission and they know what the hell they are doing.” – theblondepenguin
“How did this fool marry a Black woman and not know that you can’t go cramming your hands into a Black woman’s hair (for multiple reasons)?”
“He may love her, but he’s not even trying to understand and accept the realities of her existence. He’s also trying to control her by ridiculing her looks to try to make her change, and hiding her things.”
“I mean… d**n.” – AQualityKoalaTeacher
The subReddit could understand the husband wanting to be intimate with his wife in more ways, and even being uninformed about how he was being microaggressive, but his reaction to her accusations was telling.
The fact that he became defensive and tried to pin all of the blame on his wife suggested they definitely needed couple’s counseling, if not a great deal more.