Working from home doesn't mean there is no work to do.
Yes, a person can sit in the skivvies and run a board meeting.
But the board meeting is important business.
A lot of people don't seem to realize this, so they treat work-from-home people as retirees.
Redditor IAmNotLindseyNaegle wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for locking myself in my office when we have company?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I, 36 F[emale], took in my mother during the pandemic after some medical issues. "
"I never made her move out after."
"It works for us, she has her own bedroom and bathroom, we share other spaces, and I work from home most of the time so I can look after her."
"My stepdad died about a decade ago, and she was lonely."
"It made sense for us."
"As mentioned, I work from home most of the time, and a lot of times I'm in some kind of Teams meeting or call (yes, even those that could be emails, but that's not important)."
"So I don't really have time for chitchat during office hours."
"My mom's sister, aka my aunt, tends to drop by unannounced to visit with my mom."
"Which I don't really mind, but she has a tendency to step into my office without knocking while I'm working and start talking to me about her neighbor's sister's kid who did bla bla bla."
"I've more than once explained to her that I'm working and or I'm on a call and I can't really chat right now."
"But she just keeps talking like nothing happened."
"Today, she actually announced to my mom she was coming over."
"I reminded my mom to tell her I'm working and on calls and can't be disturbed, and my mom agreed she would tell her not to bother me."
"But just to be safe, I locked my office door so she couldn't walk in."
"Despite my mom telling her, she came upstairs and tried to open the door."
"When it didn't open, she started knocking and calling out, 'Hello, it's me, open up.'"
"I didn't respond at first as I was on a call with a client, but she kept banging on the door so loudly I ended up having to put the client on hold."
"I told her, without opening the door, that I was on a call and could not talk right now, and my aunt left in a huff. "
"Now she's bombarding my mom with texts about how rude I was for locking myself in my office knowing I was having company."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. You didn't have company."
"Your mother did, and it was while you were working."
"There's nothing to apologize for." ~ UteLawyer
"NTA, keep your door locked."
"Rinse. Repeat."
"Maybe she'll finally get the hint. If she doesn't, tell your mom she needs to meet her sister somewhere else."
"She can't come to the house while you're working." ~Interesting_Novel997
"I think OP needs to remind her mom that her sister is jeopardizing OP's livelihood, which is giving both OP and her mom a place to live."
"And if OP really wanted to get serious, tell her mom that if she can't keep her sister under control, she will have to keep both of them out of her house because OP will not be losing her job because of this." ~ SugarCrisp7
"And this is the moment to stand your ground. "
"'You are mom's guest.'"
"'I had to tell my boss why some crazy lady was pounding on my office door.'"
"'I was so embarrassed!'"
"'Are you TRYING to get me fired?'"
"'Are you going to support us when I run out of savings!'"
"'Why do you hate me!!!'"
"'Do you go to other people's work and make scenes?'"
"'What is wrong with you?'"
"Escalate the drama on your end, and maybe she will finally recognize the boundary."
"If not, at least all the family will see "what harm could visiting for a minute" do." ~ Mysterious-Wish8398
"Of course, NTA."
"Both your mom and aunt are being rude, irrational, and entitled. It's your space - put your foot down and tell your mom that your aunt is not allowed to visit during working hours if she can't be respectful." ~ Allaboutbird
"To make it clear that your house is also your workplace, advise your aunt that she has two choices."
"The first option is to respect that you are not available and not to be disturbed during your work hours."
"The second option is that your aunt is not allowed in the house uninvited, and your mother is not allowed to invite her in during work hours." ~ Rye_One_
"I hate this with a vengeance."
"I work from home almost 90% of the time."
"I work more hours than I would if I went into the office."
"And somehow everyone around me just feels like I am available every second of the day."
"They don't understand I can't talk on the phone, run an errand for them (looking at you, mom), or clean the house somewhere in between."
"I can't wait for this attitude to change, but I won't hold my breath." ~ Synn1982
"Maybe you should remind your mother that if you lose your job because of all of the interruptions, you won't be able to pay the rent or buy groceries."
"If you can't pay the rent, she will become homeless."
"Alternatively, if they miss each other so much... mom can move in with sister and you can have your privacy back." ~ Childless_Catlady42
"NTA. It's time to remind your mom that daytime company is her company."
"Thus, it is her responsibility to keep them quietly entertained and out of your workspace."
"Otherwise, Mom will have to entertain Auntie at night or outside of the house." ~ EmploymentOk1421
"NTA. You have explained that you are at work and not to disturb you, so the only rude person is your Aunt."
"You closed your door and locked it, but that didn't work. "
"Like a 4-year-old at the bathroom door screaming Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma..."
"'Would you be rude to put a giant poster on the door?'"
"Auntie, in case you have forgotten."
"DO NOT DISTURB ME I AM AT WORK!!!"
"The only other thing to do is tell your mom that Auntie CAN NOT VISIT during work hours." ~ catskilkid
"Absolutely NTA, no doubt about that."
"Many people of let's say the older generation do not take work from home seriously at all, and barge in all the time."
"Even if you had not been working, she was visiting your mum, not you."
"You are not obliged to socialise with other people's guests and visitors, period."
"The fact that she was disturbing you during your working hours is just a cherry on top."
"I would prohibit her from visiting YOUR house during YOUR working hours."
"If they want to socialize, they can go to a café." ~ Separate_Avocado5964
"NTA: Put a baby gate with a difficult latch at the bottom of the stairs, and that'll keep her out."
"Just kidding... kind of."
"If your aunt wants to talk with you so much, then she should ask if she can come over when you are done with work."
"You are NTA for creating a firm boundary to protect your work hours." ~ HowlPen
"NTA. Your mother simply should not have guests during working hours if they can't behave."
"Tell your aunt to get a job so you can badger HER." ~ Professional_Rock776
"NTA, but you need to have a sit-down with your Mom."
"She needs to understand that she is responsible for her guests while you're working."
"You are the provider, and her sister's actions make you look unprofessional and can compromise that stability."
"No guest, Aunt or otherwise, should be upstairs, period, let alone when you're working."
"You need to make your Mom understand how serious this is. Why?"
"Because if your Mom respected your W[ork] F[rom] H[ome] job, she wouldn't be letting your Aunt compromise you like that."
"Employers take WFH seriously; your Mom needs to as well."
"The minute she heard your Aunt knocking, she should've hightailed it upstairs and read her sister the riot act." ~ Reasonable-Bad-769
"NTA. I think it's time to implement a rule that Aunt is no longer allowed to visit during work hours."
"If she wants to visit with your Mom, then they can go elsewhere together, or she can wait until after work hours."
"You need to be firm with her since she cannot seem to grasp the concept of work."
"Furthermore, you do not have company."
The company is invited over and does not go over frequently."
"She's just family, not a guest at this point."
"She needs to stay away for some time and only visit once in a while if she wants guest/company treatment."
"She needs to give you and your mother an opportunity to miss her." ~ Foreverforgettable
"NTA. Dear auntie's visitation privileges need to be revoked."
"It's your home, it's your job, and she has absolutely zero respect for you." ~ ToxicShockFFXIV
"You know what's rude?"
"Constantly ignoring someone's extremely reasonable boundaries in their own home."
"Tell your mom you're not speaking to your aunt until she apologizes for being so rude."
"Then attach your aunt's head explode. NTA." ~ Barjack521
"NTA. You weren't having company, your mom was."
"If your aunt can't respect your wishes, she should not be allowed to come over during business hours." ~ RandomReddit9791
Your house, your rules, OP.
Your aunt is completely out of line.
You had to stick up for yourself.
Reddit is with you.
It's great to hear you have support and have found a solution.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp