Gift giving is an art.
Some people seem to always find the perfect gift for any occasion while others struggle. But whether it's a great selection or one that requires the disclaimer "it's the thought that counts," tacking on rules or conditions to the gift is never a good idea.
A woman accused of being ungrateful turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Kumbaynah asked:
"AITA for refusing to wear a bracelet I wanted, but my husband paid for?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (29, female) wanted to buy a bracelet for myself because I finally had a job after searching for a long time and wanted to treat myself. My husband (35, male) suggested I buy it from his parents because they run a jewellery store and they'd offer me a good deal."
"That had been my plan anyway, so when we visited them—they live in another State—went by their store and had a look at what they had in stock. I decided on a piece, but didn't take it right away as I needed to withdraw some cash."
"A few days later I overheard my husband talking to his Mom about me, but couldn't hear what it was about. There had been some negative talk in the past about my struggling to find a job & I wanted to know if that's what it was about."
"I asked my husband later what they were discussing about me and he said 'nothing', but I got the feeling he felt caught out. Then he said they were talking about the bracelet I wanted and he was going to buy it."
"I said I was happy to buy it for myself, but he insisted and said he'd sort it out. I was thankful and said okay."
"Then, after we returned home I asked about the bracelet and he said he was gonna give it to me later, maybe my birthday. I was annoyed because I wanted to buy the bracelet and wear it, like immediately, and that's what I would've done if he hadn't bought it."
"He said he paid for it and that was a nice thing for him to do. I agreed, but said if he kept it then it felt like he took it from me and was making me wait to get something that I was prepared to pay for myself."
"We had a low-level fight about it, after which he said I can just have it right then, but I said I didn't even really want it anymore because now every time I wear it, I will think about this argument and the whole gesture feels ruined. He accused me of being ungrateful."
"We recounted this story to his friends—I don't have many friends as we moved here recently—and they all agreed that he paid for it, so I should just be happy. But I feel like if he wanted to pay for a gift that I had picked out and was about to purchase myself, then it's not fair to make me wait months for it."
"Am I the a**hole for being upset about him keeping it/not wanting to wear the bracelet anymore?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"The action that I took that should be judged is that I said I don't want to wear a piece of jewelry my husband paid for, because he wanted to dictate when I could receive it."
"It might make the a**hole because it was an item I wanted, but I wasn't prepared to wait to receive it, because I originally wanted to purchase it myself."
The OP added:
"He did give me the bracelet right after the discussion, but as you can imagine, it wasn't as happy a moment as anyone imagined."
"I was almost in tears from trying and failing to explain my point of view and he was also feeling frustrated."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. He started moving the goalposts. You wanted that bracelet for yourself that day, he made his 'grand gesture' and bought it for you. This is very nice, but then he decided to put some conditions on it such as I'll give it to you for your birthday."
"My suggestion? Go to another jewelry store and buy yourself a really nice bracelet and start wearing it right away." ~ RidiculousSucculent
"Men saying women are being ungrateful is like this trump card they can throw down that we have no good defense for. Being called ungrateful is hard to argue against when you're turning down a gift because his actions SEEM nice when we all know they weren't." ~ Mmm_lemon_cakes
"Hell, it IS the thought that counts. Which is why what he did is sh*tty. Sure, she still got a gift, but he managed to make it about control and ruined it for her."
"People love to say 'it's the thought that counts' when what they actually mean is 'hey, they still got you a gift, you should be grateful!'."
"But the intent/meaning/context are the important parts. It's appropriate to care about that more than just 'yay I got a thing!'." ~ ruskiix
"The thought absolutely does count! And here the thought was 'you don't get to decide what or when to celebrate!'."
"OP wanted to get the bracelet as a gift for another occasion, but her husband decided to steal it to save himself from thinking up a birthday gift. NTA." ~ pazifica
"Why does this happen so much‽‽ There have been so many times I'm happy to do something for myself and a guy offers to do it, but then he adds conditions and I get annoyed because my initial option of doing it myself would've been simpler."
"But then I'm 'ungrateful' because he's 'going out of his way' to do something nice—aka making my life more difficult."
"Like if I'm gonna Uber to the airport and you offer to drive me, but then you show up half an hour late. I'm not grateful anymore and would've rather Ubered." ~ throwawaysunglasses-
"NTA. What are you supposed to be grateful for? No bracelet?"
"You hadn't been given anything—he just bought something you wanted so you couldn't buy it and then he was holding onto it."
"It's so weird. Is he unhappy that you have a job and trying an 'I still have more financial power' thing or something?" ~ DangerousTurmeric
"She is trying to celebrate herself for getting a job. He convinces her to get the bracelet from his parents, who were jerks about how hard it was for her to get said job. His point: its going to be cheaper."
"He buys it himself, behind her back, making this about him. And now she can't have it and is ungrateful to him for being soooo suuuuper generous."
"And now he is also going around telling the few people in your close circle what a ungrateful b*tch you are."
"Gosh... I hate this kind of stupid mind games. NTA." ~ LatinCanandian
"NTA, I hate when people do that. You were ready to pay for it, as a treat for yourself. The kind gesture was him paying for it, yes."
"But adding conditions after? Why buy it if it he has to be difficult with it after?"
"You're not ungrateful—he is the one making the gift about himself by not listening to why you wanted it in the first place."
"It happened with my ex too. I wanted a new screen for my computer, had the money for it, was ready to pay it, and was already searching which one. He said he wanted to pay for it and convinced me."
"OK. But after that, he wanted me to choose another one because the one I wanted was too expensive. So let me pay for it maybe?"
"No, he wanted to buy it, but under his conditions only. Not really a gift if I have to change what I planned..." ~ Miss_Honesty_
"All I could think was if OP and husband went to dinner to celebrate her new job and she was treating, then would her husband say 'nope, I am paying' then wrap her food up to go so he can give it to her on a night with something to celebrate?"
"No of course not. But that's what he did here. Husband sucks. NTA." ~ tiffanydee55
"Are the two of you in any kind of couples therapy? Because a lot of what you've described of his behavior isn't very respectful of you and your feelings."
"Also it sounds like you have communication issues. There's nothing at all complicated about why you want the bracelet now. It's not supposed to be a gift for a birthday in the future, it's supposed to be a reward for something you just accomplished."
"Regardless of who paid for it, the entire point is for you to immediately start enjoying it. How is it possible that he doesn't understand this?"
"Is he deliberately being obtuse? Or is he legitimately unable to understand how you feel about the issue? Have you noticed that he doesn't seem to have empathy or be able to understand the feelings of others?"
"Or is it just with you? If he refuses to directly answer you about what it is about this situation that he can't mentally grasp I'd say you might want to put some deep thought into this relationship." ~ Slothgoals
"NTA. It feels like a weird power play by your husband."
"I would not be happy if I was going to buy myself something with my own money then have my SO tell me they would buy it for me, then refuse to give it to me."
"Honestly, you should go out and buy a completely different bracelet and wear it with pride." ~ Illustrious-Onion329
Whatever the husband's motives, people didn't think he was being very thoughtful or considerate.
Why would someone be grateful for that?
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.