Gift giving is an art.
Some people seem to always find the perfect gift for any occasion while others struggle. But whether it's a great selection or one that requires the disclaimer "it's the thought that counts," tacking on rules or conditions to the gift is never a good idea.
A woman accused of being ungrateful turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Kumbaynah asked:
"AITA for refusing to wear a bracelet I wanted, but my husband paid for?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (29, female) wanted to buy a bracelet for myself because I finally had a job after searching for a long time and wanted to treat myself. My husband (35, male) suggested I buy it from his parents because they run a jewellery store and they'd offer me a good deal."
"That had been my plan anyway, so when we visited them—they live in another State—went by their store and had a look at what they had in stock. I decided on a piece, but didn't take it right away as I needed to withdraw some cash."
"A few days later I overheard my husband talking to his Mom about me, but couldn't hear what it was about. There had been some negative talk in the past about my struggling to find a job & I wanted to know if that's what it was about."
"I asked my husband later what they were discussing about me and he said 'nothing', but I got the feeling he felt caught out. Then he said they were talking about the bracelet I wanted and he was going to buy it."
"I said I was happy to buy it for myself, but he insisted and said he'd sort it out. I was thankful and said okay."
"Then, after we returned home I asked about the bracelet and he said he was gonna give it to me later, maybe my birthday. I was annoyed because I wanted to buy the bracelet and wear it, like immediately, and that's what I would've done if he hadn't bought it."
"He said he paid for it and that was a nice thing for him to do. I agreed, but said if he kept it then it felt like he took it from me and was making me wait to get something that I was prepared to pay for myself."
"We had a low-level fight about it, after which he said I can just have it right then, but I said I didn't even really want it anymore because now every time I wear it, I will think about this argument and the whole gesture feels ruined. He accused me of being ungrateful."
"We recounted this story to his friends—I don't have many friends as we moved here recently—and they all agreed that he paid for it, so I should just be happy. But I feel like if he wanted to pay for a gift that I had picked out and was about to purchase myself, then it's not fair to make me wait months for it."
"Am I the a**hole for being upset about him keeping it/not wanting to wear the bracelet anymore?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"The action that I took that should be judged is that I said I don't want to wear a piece of jewelry my husband paid for, because he wanted to dictate when I could receive it."
"It might make the a**hole because it was an item I wanted, but I wasn't prepared to wait to receive it, because I originally wanted to purchase it myself."
The OP added:
"He did give me the bracelet right after the discussion, but as you can imagine, it wasn't as happy a moment as anyone imagined."
"I was almost in tears from trying and failing to explain my point of view and he was also feeling frustrated."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. He started moving the goalposts. You wanted that bracelet for yourself that day, he made his 'grand gesture' and bought it for you. This is very nice, but then he decided to put some conditions on it such as I'll give it to you for your birthday."
"My suggestion? Go to another jewelry store and buy yourself a really nice bracelet and start wearing it right away." ~ RidiculousSucculent
"Men saying women are being ungrateful is like this trump card they can throw down that we have no good defense for. Being called ungrateful is hard to argue against when you're turning down a gift because his actions SEEM nice when we all know they weren't." ~ Mmm_lemon_cakes
"Hell, it IS the thought that counts. Which is why what he did is sh*tty. Sure, she still got a gift, but he managed to make it about control and ruined it for her."
"People love to say 'it's the thought that counts' when what they actually mean is 'hey, they still got you a gift, you should be grateful!'."
"But the intent/meaning/context are the important parts. It's appropriate to care about that more than just 'yay I got a thing!'." ~ ruskiix
"The thought absolutely does count! And here the thought was 'you don't get to decide what or when to celebrate!'."
"OP wanted to get the bracelet as a gift for another occasion, but her husband decided to steal it to save himself from thinking up a birthday gift. NTA." ~ pazifica
"Why does this happen so much‽‽ There have been so many times I'm happy to do something for myself and a guy offers to do it, but then he adds conditions and I get annoyed because my initial option of doing it myself would've been simpler."
"But then I'm 'ungrateful' because he's 'going out of his way' to do something nice—aka making my life more difficult."
"Like if I'm gonna Uber to the airport and you offer to drive me, but then you show up half an hour late. I'm not grateful anymore and would've rather Ubered." ~ throwawaysunglasses-
"NTA. What are you supposed to be grateful for? No bracelet?"
"You hadn't been given anything—he just bought something you wanted so you couldn't buy it and then he was holding onto it."
"It's so weird. Is he unhappy that you have a job and trying an 'I still have more financial power' thing or something?" ~ DangerousTurmeric
"She is trying to celebrate herself for getting a job. He convinces her to get the bracelet from his parents, who were jerks about how hard it was for her to get said job. His point: its going to be cheaper."
"He buys it himself, behind her back, making this about him. And now she can't have it and is ungrateful to him for being soooo suuuuper generous."
"And now he is also going around telling the few people in your close circle what a ungrateful b*tch you are."
"Gosh... I hate this kind of stupid mind games. NTA." ~ LatinCanandian
"NTA, I hate when people do that. You were ready to pay for it, as a treat for yourself. The kind gesture was him paying for it, yes."
"But adding conditions after? Why buy it if it he has to be difficult with it after?"
"You're not ungrateful—he is the one making the gift about himself by not listening to why you wanted it in the first place."
"It happened with my ex too. I wanted a new screen for my computer, had the money for it, was ready to pay it, and was already searching which one. He said he wanted to pay for it and convinced me."
"OK. But after that, he wanted me to choose another one because the one I wanted was too expensive. So let me pay for it maybe?"
"No, he wanted to buy it, but under his conditions only. Not really a gift if I have to change what I planned..." ~ Miss_Honesty_
"All I could think was if OP and husband went to dinner to celebrate her new job and she was treating, then would her husband say 'nope, I am paying' then wrap her food up to go so he can give it to her on a night with something to celebrate?"
"No of course not. But that's what he did here. Husband sucks. NTA." ~ tiffanydee55
"Are the two of you in any kind of couples therapy? Because a lot of what you've described of his behavior isn't very respectful of you and your feelings."
"Also it sounds like you have communication issues. There's nothing at all complicated about why you want the bracelet now. It's not supposed to be a gift for a birthday in the future, it's supposed to be a reward for something you just accomplished."
"Regardless of who paid for it, the entire point is for you to immediately start enjoying it. How is it possible that he doesn't understand this?"
"Is he deliberately being obtuse? Or is he legitimately unable to understand how you feel about the issue? Have you noticed that he doesn't seem to have empathy or be able to understand the feelings of others?"
"Or is it just with you? If he refuses to directly answer you about what it is about this situation that he can't mentally grasp I'd say you might want to put some deep thought into this relationship." ~ Slothgoals
"NTA. It feels like a weird power play by your husband."
"I would not be happy if I was going to buy myself something with my own money then have my SO tell me they would buy it for me, then refuse to give it to me."
"Honestly, you should go out and buy a completely different bracelet and wear it with pride." ~ Illustrious-Onion329
Whatever the husband's motives, people didn't think he was being very thoughtful or considerate.
Why would someone be grateful for that?
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.