Gift giving is an art.
Some people seem to always find the perfect gift for any occasion while others struggle. But whether it’s a great selection or one that requires the disclaimer “it’s the thought that counts,” tacking on rules or conditions to the gift is never a good idea.
A woman accused of being ungrateful turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Kumbaynah asked:
“AITA for refusing to wear a bracelet I wanted, but my husband paid for?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (29, female) wanted to buy a bracelet for myself because I finally had a job after searching for a long time and wanted to treat myself. My husband (35, male) suggested I buy it from his parents because they run a jewellery store and they’d offer me a good deal.”
“That had been my plan anyway, so when we visited them—they live in another State—went by their store and had a look at what they had in stock. I decided on a piece, but didn’t take it right away as I needed to withdraw some cash.”
“A few days later I overheard my husband talking to his Mom about me, but couldn’t hear what it was about. There had been some negative talk in the past about my struggling to find a job & I wanted to know if that’s what it was about.”
“I asked my husband later what they were discussing about me and he said ‘nothing’, but I got the feeling he felt caught out. Then he said they were talking about the bracelet I wanted and he was going to buy it.”
“I said I was happy to buy it for myself, but he insisted and said he’d sort it out. I was thankful and said okay.”
“Then, after we returned home I asked about the bracelet and he said he was gonna give it to me later, maybe my birthday. I was annoyed because I wanted to buy the bracelet and wear it, like immediately, and that’s what I would’ve done if he hadn’t bought it.”
“He said he paid for it and that was a nice thing for him to do. I agreed, but said if he kept it then it felt like he took it from me and was making me wait to get something that I was prepared to pay for myself.”
“We had a low-level fight about it, after which he said I can just have it right then, but I said I didn’t even really want it anymore because now every time I wear it, I will think about this argument and the whole gesture feels ruined. He accused me of being ungrateful.”
“We recounted this story to his friends—I don’t have many friends as we moved here recently—and they all agreed that he paid for it, so I should just be happy. But I feel like if he wanted to pay for a gift that I had picked out and was about to purchase myself, then it’s not fair to make me wait months for it.”
“Am I the a**hole for being upset about him keeping it/not wanting to wear the bracelet anymore?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“The action that I took that should be judged is that I said I don’t want to wear a piece of jewelry my husband paid for, because he wanted to dictate when I could receive it.”
“It might make the a**hole because it was an item I wanted, but I wasn’t prepared to wait to receive it, because I originally wanted to purchase it myself.”
The OP added:
“He did give me the bracelet right after the discussion, but as you can imagine, it wasn’t as happy a moment as anyone imagined.”
“I was almost in tears from trying and failing to explain my point of view and he was also feeling frustrated.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. He started moving the goalposts. You wanted that bracelet for yourself that day, he made his ‘grand gesture’ and bought it for you. This is very nice, but then he decided to put some conditions on it such as I’ll give it to you for your birthday.”
“My suggestion? Go to another jewelry store and buy yourself a really nice bracelet and start wearing it right away.” ~ RidiculousSucculent
“Men saying women are being ungrateful is like this trump card they can throw down that we have no good defense for. Being called ungrateful is hard to argue against when you’re turning down a gift because his actions SEEM nice when we all know they weren’t.” ~ Mmm_lemon_cakes
“Hell, it IS the thought that counts. Which is why what he did is sh*tty. Sure, she still got a gift, but he managed to make it about control and ruined it for her.”
“People love to say ‘it’s the thought that counts’ when what they actually mean is ‘hey, they still got you a gift, you should be grateful!’.”
“But the intent/meaning/context are the important parts. It’s appropriate to care about that more than just ‘yay I got a thing!’.” ~ ruskiix
“The thought absolutely does count! And here the thought was ‘you don’t get to decide what or when to celebrate!’.”
“OP wanted to get the bracelet as a gift for another occasion, but her husband decided to steal it to save himself from thinking up a birthday gift. NTA.” ~ pazifica
“Why does this happen so much‽‽ There have been so many times I’m happy to do something for myself and a guy offers to do it, but then he adds conditions and I get annoyed because my initial option of doing it myself would’ve been simpler.”
“But then I’m ‘ungrateful’ because he’s ‘going out of his way’ to do something nice—aka making my life more difficult.”
“Like if I’m gonna Uber to the airport and you offer to drive me, but then you show up half an hour late. I’m not grateful anymore and would’ve rather Ubered.” ~ throwawaysunglasses-
“NTA. What are you supposed to be grateful for? No bracelet?”
“You hadn’t been given anything—he just bought something you wanted so you couldn’t buy it and then he was holding onto it.”
“It’s so weird. Is he unhappy that you have a job and trying an ‘I still have more financial power’ thing or something?” ~ DangerousTurmeric
“She is trying to celebrate herself for getting a job. He convinces her to get the bracelet from his parents, who were jerks about how hard it was for her to get said job. His point: its going to be cheaper.”
“He buys it himself, behind her back, making this about him. And now she can’t have it and is ungrateful to him for being soooo suuuuper generous.”
“And now he is also going around telling the few people in your close circle what a ungrateful b*tch you are.”
“Gosh… I hate this kind of stupid mind games. NTA.” ~ LatinCanandian
“NTA, I hate when people do that. You were ready to pay for it, as a treat for yourself. The kind gesture was him paying for it, yes.”
“But adding conditions after? Why buy it if it he has to be difficult with it after?”
“You’re not ungrateful—he is the one making the gift about himself by not listening to why you wanted it in the first place.”
“It happened with my ex too. I wanted a new screen for my computer, had the money for it, was ready to pay it, and was already searching which one. He said he wanted to pay for it and convinced me.”
“OK. But after that, he wanted me to choose another one because the one I wanted was too expensive. So let me pay for it maybe?”
“No, he wanted to buy it, but under his conditions only. Not really a gift if I have to change what I planned…” ~ Miss_Honesty_
“All I could think was if OP and husband went to dinner to celebrate her new job and she was treating, then would her husband say ‘nope, I am paying’ then wrap her food up to go so he can give it to her on a night with something to celebrate?”
“No of course not. But that’s what he did here. Husband sucks. NTA.” ~ tiffanydee55
“Are the two of you in any kind of couples therapy? Because a lot of what you’ve described of his behavior isn’t very respectful of you and your feelings.”
“Also it sounds like you have communication issues. There’s nothing at all complicated about why you want the bracelet now. It’s not supposed to be a gift for a birthday in the future, it’s supposed to be a reward for something you just accomplished.”
“Regardless of who paid for it, the entire point is for you to immediately start enjoying it. How is it possible that he doesn’t understand this?”
“Is he deliberately being obtuse? Or is he legitimately unable to understand how you feel about the issue? Have you noticed that he doesn’t seem to have empathy or be able to understand the feelings of others?”
“Or is it just with you? If he refuses to directly answer you about what it is about this situation that he can’t mentally grasp I’d say you might want to put some deep thought into this relationship.” ~ Slothgoals
“NTA. It feels like a weird power play by your husband.”
“I would not be happy if I was going to buy myself something with my own money then have my SO tell me they would buy it for me, then refuse to give it to me.”
“Honestly, you should go out and buy a completely different bracelet and wear it with pride.” ~ Illustrious-Onion329
Whatever the husband’s motives, people didn’t think he was being very thoughtful or considerate.
Why would someone be grateful for that?