Gift giving is an art.
Some people seem to always find the perfect gift for any occasion while others struggle. But whether it's a great selection or one that requires the disclaimer "it's the thought that counts," tacking on rules or conditions to the gift is never a good idea.
A woman accused of being ungrateful turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Kumbaynah asked:
"AITA for refusing to wear a bracelet I wanted, but my husband paid for?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (29, female) wanted to buy a bracelet for myself because I finally had a job after searching for a long time and wanted to treat myself. My husband (35, male) suggested I buy it from his parents because they run a jewellery store and they'd offer me a good deal."
"That had been my plan anyway, so when we visited them—they live in another State—went by their store and had a look at what they had in stock. I decided on a piece, but didn't take it right away as I needed to withdraw some cash."
"A few days later I overheard my husband talking to his Mom about me, but couldn't hear what it was about. There had been some negative talk in the past about my struggling to find a job & I wanted to know if that's what it was about."
"I asked my husband later what they were discussing about me and he said 'nothing', but I got the feeling he felt caught out. Then he said they were talking about the bracelet I wanted and he was going to buy it."
"I said I was happy to buy it for myself, but he insisted and said he'd sort it out. I was thankful and said okay."
"Then, after we returned home I asked about the bracelet and he said he was gonna give it to me later, maybe my birthday. I was annoyed because I wanted to buy the bracelet and wear it, like immediately, and that's what I would've done if he hadn't bought it."
"He said he paid for it and that was a nice thing for him to do. I agreed, but said if he kept it then it felt like he took it from me and was making me wait to get something that I was prepared to pay for myself."
"We had a low-level fight about it, after which he said I can just have it right then, but I said I didn't even really want it anymore because now every time I wear it, I will think about this argument and the whole gesture feels ruined. He accused me of being ungrateful."
"We recounted this story to his friends—I don't have many friends as we moved here recently—and they all agreed that he paid for it, so I should just be happy. But I feel like if he wanted to pay for a gift that I had picked out and was about to purchase myself, then it's not fair to make me wait months for it."
"Am I the a**hole for being upset about him keeping it/not wanting to wear the bracelet anymore?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"The action that I took that should be judged is that I said I don't want to wear a piece of jewelry my husband paid for, because he wanted to dictate when I could receive it."
"It might make the a**hole because it was an item I wanted, but I wasn't prepared to wait to receive it, because I originally wanted to purchase it myself."
The OP added:
"He did give me the bracelet right after the discussion, but as you can imagine, it wasn't as happy a moment as anyone imagined."
"I was almost in tears from trying and failing to explain my point of view and he was also feeling frustrated."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. He started moving the goalposts. You wanted that bracelet for yourself that day, he made his 'grand gesture' and bought it for you. This is very nice, but then he decided to put some conditions on it such as I'll give it to you for your birthday."
"My suggestion? Go to another jewelry store and buy yourself a really nice bracelet and start wearing it right away." ~ RidiculousSucculent
"Men saying women are being ungrateful is like this trump card they can throw down that we have no good defense for. Being called ungrateful is hard to argue against when you're turning down a gift because his actions SEEM nice when we all know they weren't." ~ Mmm_lemon_cakes
"Hell, it IS the thought that counts. Which is why what he did is sh*tty. Sure, she still got a gift, but he managed to make it about control and ruined it for her."
"People love to say 'it's the thought that counts' when what they actually mean is 'hey, they still got you a gift, you should be grateful!'."
"But the intent/meaning/context are the important parts. It's appropriate to care about that more than just 'yay I got a thing!'." ~ ruskiix
"The thought absolutely does count! And here the thought was 'you don't get to decide what or when to celebrate!'."
"OP wanted to get the bracelet as a gift for another occasion, but her husband decided to steal it to save himself from thinking up a birthday gift. NTA." ~ pazifica
"Why does this happen so much‽‽ There have been so many times I'm happy to do something for myself and a guy offers to do it, but then he adds conditions and I get annoyed because my initial option of doing it myself would've been simpler."
"But then I'm 'ungrateful' because he's 'going out of his way' to do something nice—aka making my life more difficult."
"Like if I'm gonna Uber to the airport and you offer to drive me, but then you show up half an hour late. I'm not grateful anymore and would've rather Ubered." ~ throwawaysunglasses-
"NTA. What are you supposed to be grateful for? No bracelet?"
"You hadn't been given anything—he just bought something you wanted so you couldn't buy it and then he was holding onto it."
"It's so weird. Is he unhappy that you have a job and trying an 'I still have more financial power' thing or something?" ~ DangerousTurmeric
"She is trying to celebrate herself for getting a job. He convinces her to get the bracelet from his parents, who were jerks about how hard it was for her to get said job. His point: its going to be cheaper."
"He buys it himself, behind her back, making this about him. And now she can't have it and is ungrateful to him for being soooo suuuuper generous."
"And now he is also going around telling the few people in your close circle what a ungrateful b*tch you are."
"Gosh... I hate this kind of stupid mind games. NTA." ~ LatinCanandian
"NTA, I hate when people do that. You were ready to pay for it, as a treat for yourself. The kind gesture was him paying for it, yes."
"But adding conditions after? Why buy it if it he has to be difficult with it after?"
"You're not ungrateful—he is the one making the gift about himself by not listening to why you wanted it in the first place."
"It happened with my ex too. I wanted a new screen for my computer, had the money for it, was ready to pay it, and was already searching which one. He said he wanted to pay for it and convinced me."
"OK. But after that, he wanted me to choose another one because the one I wanted was too expensive. So let me pay for it maybe?"
"No, he wanted to buy it, but under his conditions only. Not really a gift if I have to change what I planned..." ~ Miss_Honesty_
"All I could think was if OP and husband went to dinner to celebrate her new job and she was treating, then would her husband say 'nope, I am paying' then wrap her food up to go so he can give it to her on a night with something to celebrate?"
"No of course not. But that's what he did here. Husband sucks. NTA." ~ tiffanydee55
"Are the two of you in any kind of couples therapy? Because a lot of what you've described of his behavior isn't very respectful of you and your feelings."
"Also it sounds like you have communication issues. There's nothing at all complicated about why you want the bracelet now. It's not supposed to be a gift for a birthday in the future, it's supposed to be a reward for something you just accomplished."
"Regardless of who paid for it, the entire point is for you to immediately start enjoying it. How is it possible that he doesn't understand this?"
"Is he deliberately being obtuse? Or is he legitimately unable to understand how you feel about the issue? Have you noticed that he doesn't seem to have empathy or be able to understand the feelings of others?"
"Or is it just with you? If he refuses to directly answer you about what it is about this situation that he can't mentally grasp I'd say you might want to put some deep thought into this relationship." ~ Slothgoals
"NTA. It feels like a weird power play by your husband."
"I would not be happy if I was going to buy myself something with my own money then have my SO tell me they would buy it for me, then refuse to give it to me."
"Honestly, you should go out and buy a completely different bracelet and wear it with pride." ~ Illustrious-Onion329
Whatever the husband's motives, people didn't think he was being very thoughtful or considerate.
Why would someone be grateful for that?
Humiliated Redditor Ditches Friend's Birthday After She Publicly Mocks Them In Front Of Everyone
Fake people tend to show their true colors during pivotal moments, like weddings and major celebrations.
But when they want an audience to hurt someone else, it takes total sense that they would be called out in front of everyone, as agreed by members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit.
Redditor HollyyGinger went to their close friend's birthday party, expecting to have a good time and celebrate their loved one's special day.
But when their close friend made several mocking comments about them, and the party laughed along with them, the Original Poster (OP) took that as an indication of the state of their friendship and left the birthday party early.
They asked the sub:
The OP was excited to celebrate their close friend's birthday.
"One of my close friends had a birthday dinner last weekend, and I was genuinely excited to go."
"I helped her organize a few things beforehand, bought her a gift, and even rearranged some plans because I wanted to be there for her."
But the birthday dinner did not go at all how the OP expected.
"During dinner, though, she started making little jokes about me in front of everyone."
"At first, I laughed along because I didn't want to make things awkward on her birthday."
"But she kept going. She joked about dating life, brought up an embarrassing story I had told her privately, and made another comment about how I'm ''way too sensitive' sometimes."
"People were laughing, and I tried to act like it didn't bother me, but honestly, I felt pretty humiliated."
The OP tried to ask their friend to change the direction of the rest of the party.
"I quietly asked her when we were alone if she could stop making me the joke of the evening."
"She rolled her eyes and said I was taking everything too seriously and that everyone knew she was joking."
"I went back to the table for a while because I really didn't want to ruin her birthday."
"But then she made another joke about me, so I decided I'd had enough. I congratulated her again, said goodbye to everyone, and went home without making a scene."
The OP's friend tried to blame them for how the evening turned out.
"The next morning, she texted me, saying she was hurt that I left early and that several people noticed."
"She said that I made her feel like she had done something horrible when she was 'just having fun.' But her having fun was more of a public embarrassment to me."
"Now I feel guilty, because it was her birthday, and maybe I could have just ignored it for another hour or two."
"I wasn't trying to punish her or make the night about me. I just didn't want to sit there smiling while someone I trusted kept embarrassing me after I had specifically asked her to stop."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she didn't have to stay at a party where she didn't feel welcome.
"She was having fun. You were not having fun."
"You’re not overreacting. You told her it was hurting you, and she kept doing it because hurting you was entertaining for her. She is not a good friend." - Dunquinn-
"I remember when I was really little, a bunch of adults were laughing at me as I cried."
"I cried to my mom, 'Stop laughing at me,' to which she replied, 'We aren’t laughing at you; we're laughing with you,' while giggling."
"My response was something I stand by to this day: 'Then why am I the only one crying?!'"
"It’s only funny if the person who’s being teased is laughing too. You weren’t laughing. It wasn’t funny; it was cruel. NOR." - XSmartypants
"She’s a bully. It wasn’t 'more like 'it was publicly embarrassing. It WAS publicly embarrassing."
"Then she tells you that SHE is embarrassed because YOU left early. That's bulls**t."
"NOR. Drop her." - WTH_JFG
"NOR. They make jokes about someone's privacy to humiliate that person. Anyone who would use info that was shared in confidence to get a laugh is an abuser. You don't do that, especially to a close friend, without the intent to hurt that person." - BungenessKrabb
"Would it have been fun if you did the same? Start telling her darkest secrets?"
"She made you into a punchline for other people’s entertainment."
"You told her to stop, and she didn’t; now she’s the victim?"
"NOR."
"But also, some people need to feel it to believe it. I hope you go to the next gathering with a few stories of your own and don’t let her rewrite the narrative." - beached_not_broken
"I’ve had it happen by my 'best friend' at the time, only it was in a professional setting event. Very personal details only she knew, all spilled for her amusement, embarrassing me in front of colleagues."
"NOR, OP. As you did, I left the gathering earlier than expected. My 'friend' called the next day asking why I left so early. I told her what she had said and done and how humiliated I felt."
"Her 'apology' was that flippant version that shows no remorse, like, 'Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.'"
"Over the subsequent years, she managed to alienate and burn bridges with most of those same people we were gathered with."
"I’m sorry this happened to you, OP. Anyone who thinks you were 'too sensitive' has no empathy and 'friends' like that don’t deserve your time." - Hungry_Tank9182
"NOR. She was being a jerk to you, and she was expecting you to just take it and not say anything or defend yourself."
"Because they think it's sooo funny to mock others, but I bet if the roles were reversed, she would be offended and upset."
"Honestly, you deserve better friends. I'm sorry you had to deal with this."
"I would've left and blocked her." - Cryslove
Others urged the OP to stop thinking about the event and let that friendship go.
"That was the point of her fun! Humiliating you with an audience!"
"Sharing something deeply personal, told in confidence? Immediate dealbreaker."
"She is not (and likely never was) your friend. Friends do not treat friends with such disrespect. Block her, and go no contact. She brings nothing good to your life, and she’s not worthy of your energy and time."
"NOR." - MizPeachyKeen
"It’s called bullying. She is not your friend. Friends don’t humiliate their true friends, or tell them 'they are too sensitive.'"
"That is what bullies do. She keeps you around to put you down and make herself look or feel better."
"Her actions, attitude, and behavior are those of an immature high schooler. She could actually be jealous of you and not want one or all of the following: you to succeed, have more friends, feel better about yourself, look better, etc."
"Please slowly distance yourself, find new hobbies and activities with more mature, well-rounded, healthy people." - Freeling_Fab_U_lous
"How DARE you spoil her fun; didn't you know that part of your gift was letting her make you the butt of her jokes? (sarcastic comment)"
"What an awful person. No one should need to put others down to raise themselves up. She doesn't deserve the title of friend, to be honest. You showed much more grace than I would have managed." - tphatmcgee
"She was using you as her punching bag to make the others attending laugh. Probably thinking you’d just take it. That’s not a good friend. NOR." - Additional-Start9455
"'Someone I trusted kept embarrassing me after I asked them to stop.' NOR."
"First, you shouldn't have had to ask her to stop because a friend wouldn't have started in the first place. One of her 'jokes' was about you being sensitive, so she knew you didn't like it and did it anyway."
"Second, you asked her privately to stop, because you didn't want to embarrass her. Think about that. You didn't want to embarrass her. But she couldn't show you the same consideration, even after being asked to stop."
"That's not how I treat my friends, and I suspect that's not how you treat your friends, either." - calminthedark
"I would have answered her text that she's a s**tty friend and to f**k off. You have class."
"I probably would have made a comment at dinner that I asked her to stop with the insults."
"NOR. You did everything right." - Particular-King218
The subReddit was disappointed on the OP's behalf that a friendship they were so committed to, they were excited to celebrate their friend's birthday and even helped plan the event, came apart at their expense, and on very public terms.
If the friend didn't want to be "embarrassed," maybe she should have thought about how she was embarrassing others first.