People leave religion for a variety of reasons.
Sometimes that reason includes trauma.
A woman—who suffered childhood trauma due to a strict religious background—turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Cheeseslicer93 asked:
“AITA for refusing to go to my husband’s church even once?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (29, female) grew up in an incredibly radically over the top Christian household.”
“We went to church twice a week always. When I got Scarlet Fever as a kid my grandpa refused to let me get medical treatment for days while he tried to cure me by screaming at me at the top of his lungs to remove the devil from me.”
“I was so terrified of going to Hell, that if I even forgot to say ‘thank you’ I’d break down crying. When I was 13, my dad (who had full custody) moved us to another country to get away from our religious family.”
“From then on we were allowed to remain Christian if we wanted, but none of us chose to. We respected religions, but never practiced or attended again.”
“My husband’s (28M) family is very Christian and attends church every Sunday. He goes sometimes, always invites me, but never pressured me to go for years.”
“His family is starting to kick back and insist I attend as well, despite knowing why I don’t want to. They are becoming a little pushy, saying that I have to at least go once and TRY it and that I’d have a good time.”
“I still refuse. I’m happy they have their religion but I’m done with it for myself. My husband thinks I’m being stubborn and irrational.”
“I think I respect their religion so why can’t my decision also be respected?”
“AITA?”
The OP later added:
“I would like to make a quick edit to say that I love my in-laws as people and I love seeing them. This also isn’t a deal breaker between me & my husband, we do not want kids, so it wouldn’t affect them.”
“I just don’t appreciate the peer pressure every single week, and it does make me feel like I’m neglecting a ‘duty’ when they sometimes gang up about it.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“My husband’s family wants me to attend church with them, even just once. I refuse to due to religious trauma as a kid.”
“They weren’t pushy for years until now and now they are seeming to get a little upset that I won’t go, even once, to try it out.”
“I understand that trying it once won’t kill me and may make them happy, but I don’t think it’s necessary for me to pretend to like things or that my past doesn’t matter to make them happy.”
“Then again maybe I’m being an a**hole about it. That’s why I posted.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Your husband married you knowing you have religious trauma and that you do not practice any religion. He is pulling a bait and switch here.”
“This kind of harassment from religious people has never one time in history actually made someone want to attend their church. Start shutting down these discussions.
“‘You know how I feel about this. You knew about it before we were married. This discussion is closed’. NTA.” ~ fiestafan73
“NTA. Offer them a deal: One visit to THEIR church with them for every visit to a church of your choice the agree to make (same duration)—and THEY have to start.” ~ k23_k23
“First visit – a mosque, second visit – a Temple, third visit Russian Orthodox Catholic, fourth visit – evangelical faith healing snake handler, fifth visit – a satanic church, sixth visit – just a hangout with an zealous pastafarian, we’ll give them a break.” ~ dalealace
“NTA – forced religion is not religion, it is a cult. Ask your husband why it is now so important that you go to church with his family.” ~ toosheeptheorist
“My mom forced me to go to church and the after church activities for kids. My mom and sibs were very much into it, but I wasn’t. My mom gave me an ultimatum once I go to church or stay at home with the unsafe ex-godfather.”
“I chose church, but it ABSOLUTELY BORED THE EFF OUTTA ME. It felt like to me that Christianity is all about ‘you believe in our version of God and our version of Hell and if you don’t believe in our version of God you are going to said Hell’.” ~ ninjareader89
“NTA—it’s irrational to force your religion upon others. I’d be careful OP, religion is often forced upon others as a means of control.”
“Why else is it so important to them that you concede on your principles?”
“Also, it’d probably be a good idea for you to have a chat with your husband about why he believes you should participate in religion.” ~ els_bw
“Your husband and his parents are being very disrespectful to you.”
“You made your decision for more than very good reasons of why you don’t want to ever go. And now they’re harassing you about it, your husband being implicit with their harassment to you. This is not OK.”
“Honestly – one more conversation saying, ‘I will never go to any church. If you don’t stop asking, I will no longer involve myself in any events with any of you since you can’t find it in your “Christian” souls to stop harassing me or respecting my decision’.”
“Then quote Romans 8:28: ‘All things—even our own choices—are used by God to accomplish his purposes in and through us’. Drop mic and walk away.”
“Which is your semi nice way to tell them to eff off. NTA.” ~ WhatTheActualFck1
“NTA. Stand firm. Shut them down every time they start in with that crap. Walk away. Physically leave if you have to. You are not required to be nice to people who refuse to respect your trauma.” ~ themistycrystal
“NTA. Religion is a man made invention used to control people. Having faith in a higher power isn’t exclusive to religion.”
“They’re trying to justify their beliefs to themselves by recruiting more people into their cult. Respect goes both ways and religious people will never respect you because they think they’re better than you, which could never be further from the truth.” ~ AnneHawthorne
“Religious abuse is a real thing. You have had trauma surrounding that. They need to back off and shut up until you say you are ready—which may be never.” ~ Dependent-Union4802
“A fellow religious-trauma survivor here.”
“OP, you have a husband problem. It’s his job as your husband to not only believe your trauma and respect how you have chosen to deal with it, but also to keep his own family off your back about religion. And he’s majorly failing at all of that.”
“I don’t think he actually respects you or what you’ve been through. Hell, none of them do, but he’s the one who is supposed to have your back here, and instead, he’s actively part of the problem.”
“I grew up in a church that was on the leading edge of the Quiver-full Christian Cult (like the Duggars) movement. These people arranged marriages for their multiple children between the families in the church.”
“Thankfully, the church dissolved before I was old enough to be married off. I was around 11. My mom finally separated from my father when I was age 13, divorced by age 15.”
“But I have 7 siblings who are some of the most messed up, dysfunctional, toxic people I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing. There’s tons more, but let’s just say that I’m glad I don’t talk to them anymore.”
“I’ve been with my fiancé for 13 years now. He’s a non-practicing Christian and I’m a practicing Pagan. I know. We get raised eyebrows a lot.”
“My point here is, my fiancé has never once pressured me to step foot in a church. And he would never, even if he was a practicing Christian. We respect that we each have different things we believe in, and we don’t argue about it or make it a point of contention.”
“When I moved in, he helped me cleanse the house and sprinkle salt for protection. He doesn’t believe in what I believe, but he knows that I believe in it, and that makes it important to him.”
“I’ve held his hand when he has prayed for his grandma before she passed away. I bow my head at family gatherings when they pray out of respect for their tradition, but none of them have ever asked or demanded that I also pray with them.”
“They wouldn’t dare because they know my fiancé would rip them a new one. Or he’d just give me a specific look, and I’d know that I have his backup if I wanted to either pray to Odin/Freya/Thor in front of them all or rip them a new one myself.”
“This is what your husband should be doing for you. Stop giving him any leeway. He either has your back, or he can find himself single again.”
“And for the love of the universe, DO NOT move your boundaries to accommodate their wants. That’s not conducive to you protecting your right to remain religion-free.”
“Get some cleats, hun, before you put that foot down. It will give you better traction, a more stable foothold, and you can use them to stomp on the toes of anyone who pushes you too much.”
“NTA OP. But don’t give even a millimeter here. They will push until they take a mile unless you stand your ground. And your husband better get on board, or he will find himself on the other side of the line.” ~ One-Championship-965
The OP provided an update.
“I appreciate the kind replies.”
“I’m going to set my foot down harder, but kindly, and tell them that I might host an after church brunch every other week for them where they are welcome to discuss religion, but I will not be attending church in any fashion.”
The OP may not have the full support of their husband, but people online had their back.
Having religion forced on a person rarely results in true devotion or conversion.