Ideally, in a two-parent household, parents should be able to equally divide certain parenting responsibilities.
This might include dropping off and picking up their children from school, getting them washed and dressed, and preparing meals.
Of course, sometimes work schedules make an even distribution of these duties challenging.
Though even the tiniest bit of effort is appreciated.
The work schedules of Redditor alma_bonita and her husband made an equal distribution of parental duties very difficult.
Even so, the original poster (OP) felt that her husband wasn't pulling enough weight in this matter.
After confronting him following one specific instance, the OP found her marriage in fairly serious turmoil.
Worried she may have overstepped, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for being mad at my husband for not cooking?"
The OP explained how things took a dark turn on a night her husband was responsible for feeding their children:
"I (26 F[emale]) work the weekends, until 8PM."
"My husband (27 M[ale]) watches our kids (9 Y[ears old], 5 Y, 5 M[onths])."
"Anyway, I work Friday–Sunday, and he works every weekday."
"I make sure he and the kids have dinner, of course, but when I work on the weekends, I come home there's no food made/being made, and he just gives the kids nuggets or pizza rolls."
"I typically cook a wellbalanced meal every night, so it always irritates me that he gives the kids junk."
"This last Sunday, I pulled out chicken to defrost for the morning and told him to use it for dinner."
"When I came home at almost 9 p.m., my 9-year-old came up to me and said he was hungry."
"My daughter was on a tablet in her room and was also hungry, and my husband was asleep on the couch."
"The chicken I pulled out for dinner was still in the package."
"He got up and said he hadn't cooked dinner because he didn't know what to do with the chicken (we have so many things you can cook for a well-balanced meal)."
"I told him it was absolutely ridiculous that it was almost 9 p.m. and the kids still hadn't eaten, and now I had to cook dinner."
"They had school the next day, which meant a late bedtime because I had to cook since he didn't."
"I wasn't even done putting my stuff away after work when all that happened."
"By the time I finished, it was about 9:30ish p.m., and I started cooking dinner."
"He came into the kitchen and asked what I was doing."
"I was mad and replied, 'I'm cooking dinner since you didn't, kids need to eat'."
"He said sorry he just didn't know what to do with the chicken and had fallen asleep."
"I told him that was BS we have so many things you can make with chicken that he was just being lazy."
"I told him he has children in his care and needs to feed them that's part of being a parent."
"He looked at me like I was crazy and went to bed."
"Anyway, I got dinner cooked, fed the kids, and got them in bed, all while taking care of our five-month-old baby."
"I brought him a plate of food said he needed to eat, and he refused."
"I asked if he could at least take the baby so I could eat."
"I laid the baby next to him, but he stayed asleep and the baby was upset, so I took him while I was eating."
"Afterward, I got the baby to bed and then went to bed myself, except I couldn't sleep."
"The middle of the night, he got up and said he said he doesn't feel good in our relationship."
"I told him I was sorry for snapping earlier I was just irritated he hadn't made dinner for the kids."
"He replied that that's not why, it's that he just doesn't feel respected."
"I said I don't understand how you don't feel respected or how this is a respect thing at all and that, if anything, I don't feel respected because we both work."
"Yes, he works more than me since I only work weekends, but I also take care of the kids and cook all the meals, and he can't even cook dinner when I work."
"He got mad said I make everything about me I just said whatever and went to sleep."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided on whether or not they felt the OP was the a**hole for being mad at her husband.
The OP would later clarify some information in the replies, which had a significant impact on the Reddit community's judgmemt:
"The first two aren't his biologically, he's been around for quite a while, and my kids love him, they call him dad, and they have a blast with him, but I guess when it comes to cooking, he just can't."
"A little extra info for everyone: He smokes, yes, but he doesn't get so high to the point he can't be woken up."
"He takes like one hit, and that's it (not making excuses for him, and I have already talked with him about it)."
"My kids wake him up all the time, and he'll get up; he's just being lazy."
"He also is very great with taking care of the baby, it's just the other two kids he doesn't do great with other than being a playful, fun parent."
"Again, on the smoking, I had him quit for a while, and he was just the worst person, so mean, and I just couldn't deal with it, so I let him smoke again, and it's like the only thing that keeps his mood balanced (I know that's not okay)."
"My nine-year-old knows how to cook, and my five-year-old is very responsible for her age. I taught my nine-year-old how to cook when he was four; he has known how to cook responsibly (but he is just a child, and my husband still needs to be the responsible one, obviously)."
"I have him going to therapy to work on his emotions, but he doesn't seem to really care."
"We aren't legally married through the state, we are Christian and got married under god in our church, which to us is not valuable."
Some had trouble sympathizing with anyone in this situation, appalled by the behavior of the OP's husband, but having little sympathy for the OP, who they felt didn't do enough for the safety and well-being of her children:
"There is some really important information buried in the comments: OP's husband constantly uses weed and falls asleep, with the 5-month-old baby."
"ESH because this is an incredibly dangerous situation."
"OP, you cannot leave your children alone with him."
"Even if no one gets hurt, you're putting yourself at risk of losing custody."- lisa_lionheart84
"In case anyone's missed this, OP mentions in a follow-up comment that the first two kids are not biologically his, and in another comment says he's great with the baby but doesn't do well with the older two except for being 'fun'."
"He just doesn't engage with them at all."
"From the sounds of things, I doubt this guy would ever be in the running for Father of the Year even if all three kids were biologically his, but I'd bet actual money that there's a direct correlation between the first two kids not actually being his and how lazy he is with them."
"He does the bare minimum with them because they're not his kids, and this is only going to get worse as the kids all get older - especially if (god forbid) another kid comes along."
"ESH, OP - except for these poor kids."
"Your 'husband' (in quotes since the marriage isn't legal, thankfully) sucks way more than you do, but you're not blameless here either for not seeing this guy for who he really is and putting your older kids in a situation with a stepfather who doesn't seem to give a shit about them."
"For the sake of both you and your kids, I hope you see reality sooner rather than later."-helenaflowers
"It's too bad he doesn't care about his kids or you."
"He probably wasn't ready to start having kids at 18 or 17, and neither were you."
"He has obviously always been irresponsible, and will continue to be."
"The question is, do you want to be a single mother of 3, or a single mother of 4 like you currently are?"
"How much more labour does he cause you vs helping you?"
"And an addict spending his money on weed, too."
"I was able to make nuggets and junk food when I was your eldest child's age."
"YOU'RE leaving the baby with him when he's HIGH?"
"What if your baby chokes?"
"What if the young one gets into the cleaner and drinks it?"
"Your kids won't have someone who can help them, and they could DIE without a responsible adult around."
"Divorce and get a babysitter, so at least you will actually have someone looking after your kids."
"ESH."
While others took the OP's side, commending her for calling him out on his childish behavior, and pointing out that if he wants to feel respected, he should likewise show the OP some respect as well:
"NTA."
"He doesn't feel respected, huh?"
"Well, what's there to respect exactly?"- cherries2774
"NTA."
"But if he wants to have the attitude that it's fine for him to be lazy and irresponsible, and you're supposed to tell him how awesome he is for it, then you can't force him to change his attitude."
"You can only decide how you want to react to it."
"I hope your baby was at least safe while he was sleeping."- HatsAndTopcoats
The OP subsequently made it clear where things were heading between her and her husband:
"I am working on leaving."
"It's just hard to actually get out when I only work three days a week, can't afford a babysitter, or my own place without help from housing, so I am working on getting into a low-income apartment."
"It's just taking them forever."
"It's already in the process."
"His actions are not excusable, and I have been done with it for a while now, as I said, I'm just in the works of getting my own place."
If pizza rolls and nuggets weren't the healthiest options, at least the OP's children were getting food.
The fact that the OP's husband fell asleep, likely because he was high, didn't feed his children, and didn't see a problem, however, is behavior that nearly everyone would agree justifies ending a marriage.
Something, it sadly seems, the OP should have probably considered long ago.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp