As we go through life, we’re often encouraged by the media around us to leave ourselves open to new opportunites. There’s no telling what doors might open for us!
But if we’re in a relationship and one of those opportunities comes knocking, we have to make sure that our partners are comfortable with the situation, too, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit. If they’re not, we might have to ask ourselves what’s more important: the relationship or the new opportunity?
A Redditor, who has since deleted her account, was approached by a pair of friends about taking up a modeling opportunity in an underwear and swimwear campaign.
But when her husband wasn’t comfortable with her participating, the Original Poster (OP) questioned their entire relationship.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my husband he has no right to tell me what to do with my body?”
The OP thought everything was going well with her husband.
“My husband (38 Male) and I (42 Female) have been together for seven years and married for five. We have a son together who is four. We love each other.”
“I respect my husband’s opinion, but ultimately, I’m the one to decide over my body.”
“An acquaintance of mine and his husband have a small gymwear company, and now they have expanded with swimwear and underwear. It is not a very well-known company, but apparently, they do well.”
“Now they asked me to stand model in their underwear line. They have models of different ages, etc.”
But she questioned everything when her husband didn’t support the new opportunity.
“When I told my husband what I was going to do, I didn’t expect him to fly off the handle.”
“He was very angry and told me I was not allowed to do it.”
“I was like, ‘I’m sorry but did you say NO?'”
“He said, ‘Yeah, I don’t want your body out there for everyone to see.'”
“I mean, what does he even mean? I always wear bikinis on the beach, so what’s the difference? Every woman wears bikinis and underwear.”
“AITAH to tell him that he doesn’t decide over my body?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP was YTA for blatantly disregarding her husband’s feelings.
“YTA for thinking that your choices don’t affect him.”
“I mean, what if he decides to go be a sperm donor, it’s his body, but his choice could affect you, wouldn’t you want a say so in that?”
“So yeah, your body, your choice, but your choice does not only affect you, so stop thinking selfishly and see things through his eyes for a moment.” – Odd_Fellow_2122
“YTA. You don’t just accept an underwear modeling deal without consulting your husband first.”
“I mean, really, I don’t know if you know this or not, but your life isn’t just yours anymore. You’re sharing your life with your family now, and if you don’t like that, then too bad, you should’ve thought about that before you got married and had a kid.” – Expensive-Equal-2287
“YTA.”
“The OP wrote, ‘I always wear bikinis on the beach so whats the difference? Every woman wears bikinis and underwear.'”
“Yeah, uhh, no. Every woman doesn’t wear underwear in front of tons of people. But this doesn’t really affect my judgment one way or another, just a bit of a stupid argument on your part.”
“Here’s where I judge. It’s a massive pet peeve of mine when people fly off the handle over ‘control of their body’ when the other person says the word ‘allow.’ You know d**n well he probably doesn’t mean he is going to PHYSICALLY stand in your way and it is colloquially used as ‘I don’t like that you’re doing this, I really don’t want to see it happen, and it is a deal breaker for me.'”
“And being in underwear (NOT swimwear) publicly is a fair dealbreaker for MANY people. When you’re on the beach, people aren’t actively looking at you. When you’re modeling, they’re looking at the clothes on your body, but guess what, a lot of people are actively looking at your BODY, and some people aren’t comfortable with that attention.”
“YTA because the way you carried out the conversation seemed to me like you had totally decided to do it and your husband’s opinion didn’t matter. He probably felt that way, too. And you used the whole allow thing to just get p**sy because his opinion was clearly against you doing this.”
“Notice how the reasons you gave after going off the rails about the ‘allow’ had nothing to do with a fear that he would actually restrict you, so you were standing up for yourself. It was all premade reasons in your head why it is totally okay to do this. YTA.” – CremeCaramel_
“YTA. You’re confusing ‘having autonomy over your body’ with making big decisions as a couple. My wife can choose to let someone do whatever she chooses with her body. However, many of those things will result in her being single.” – PortGlass
“Here’s what you’re missing: you didn’t discuss it with your husband, you TOLD HIM you were doing it. So yeah, telling him (essentially), ‘Tough s**t, I’m doing it,’ is absolutely going to rock your marriage.”
“What’s sad is that because of how YOU approached this whole thing, you’re wondering if your marriage is now worth having. Do you routinely lay down unilateral decisions in your marriage? Have you considered that you do this more often than you think and your husband is finally sick of your shit and is simply reacting?”
“Time for you to take responsibility for your (large) part in how this went down. YTA.” – yeah_right_4685
“YTA. Being selfish and saying only you should have a say is not a recipe for a healthy marriage. To be brutally honest, I would not want to be married to someone like you who has no consideration for how their actions affect their spouse.”
“I’ve been together with my wife for 15 years and that never would have happened without respecting each other’s boundaries.”
“Good luck with your marriage, because you’re going to need it.” – Alert_Study_2461
“No. YTA for not respecting his desires, in exactly the same way you would demand he doesn’t do x, y, or z if you feel it is inappropriate, not what you want, or if it somehow disrespects you based on your morals.”
“Get over yourself with your political ideology bulls**t. You are a couple that is joined in union.”
“Otherwise, he no longer has to consider anything alongside you. He can just do it. No argument, no discussion, no consideration.”
“Is that what you want? Open warfare?” – Cotehill
Others said she was free to do what she wanted, but her husband could also call this a deal breaker.
“People have different boundaries. You may realize you also have some of your own.”
“That said, NTA because it is your body and your decision. But accept that he may not be comfortable with it, and that may mean the end of your relationship.”
“Figure out if this modeling gig is important enough for you to break up your marriage.”
“Communicate with him when you have both calmed down and discuss where you go from here. Hope everything works out for you both.” – Beneficial-Eye4578
“NTA. HOWEVER, keep in mind…”
“You shouldn’t shout ‘bomb’ on a plane, nor ‘fire’ in a crowded theater. You shouldn’t share your body with others in such a way that makes your life-partner unhappy or uncomfortable.”
“You CAN do those things, but you will NOT be immune to the consequences that follow.” – Sensitive_Clue_4795
“NTA, you’re absolutely right, it’s your body, and you have every right to decide what to do with it.”
“Just keep in mind that logic can be used to justify a lot of things that people will consider deal breakers in a relationship.”
“NTA, but that doesn’t mean your husband would be the a**hole if he’s not okay with it. You could lose your marriage over this gig; just keep that in mind and decide if you’re okay with it.”
“His ‘I forbid you’ attitude is complete bulls**t, though.” – OctoberBearBoatWrigh
“NTA, but your husband would also be NTA if he decides on a divorce. I’m not saying this is that, but anyone has the right to starts an [adult only website] but anyone has also right to not be okay with their partner having one of those accounts.” – angestkastabot
“NTA . However, he wouldn’t be the a**hole if he walked away from the marriage, either. Maybe modeling bikinis is a deal breaker. I wouldn’t want my wife in a bikini for the world to see. Maybe that means I should rate this NAH.” – jonnybizz
Very few were supportive of the new opportunity.
“NTA. I have no words of encouragement or backup other than that it’s your body, and you do you.”
“They can look all they want but they can’t touch, and if people do like what they see. Then, by all means, that should be a compliment, and your man should feel good about that. Because guess what he comes home to? You. Exactly.” – choppedelfonashelf
“NTA.”
“The job is a gym wear underwear model. Has anyone ever, like, seen the s**t on Lululemon or Adidas? It’s the most neutral s**t ever.”
“Everyone’s acting like you’re modeling for Victoria’s Secret, which reeks of stigma against sex workers, to be honest, and you’re not even showing your privates to people.”
“It would literally be no different than posting bikini pics while on vacation.” – Winter-Cap6
“NTA. And for those of you comparing commercial modeling to sex work, stop.”
“Also, just a quick reminder that the following men all have been or currently are in serious relationships or marriages with models who have modeled lingerie and/or bikinis:”
“Tom Brady, Bruce Willis, Leonardo DiCaprio, Orlando Bloom, Jason Statham, Adam Levine, Keith Urban, John Legend, David Beckham, Billy Joel, David Bowie, Mark Wahlberg, Johnny Depp, Matthew McConaughey, Zayn Malik, Seal, Mick Jagger, The Weeknd, and the list goes on and on.”
“I wonder if it could be a confidence thing. We should ask Jonah Hill.” – WinniMae
While the subReddit could agree that this opportunity concerned the OP’s body, and she was free to do what she wanted with her body, she was still married, and her husband was still allowed to not be comfortable with opportunities when they came up.
If the pair loved each other and wanted to see the marriage work, there inevitably needed to be much more talking about this, certainly more than just the OP telling her husband what was happening.
If they had a conversation about what they wanted and what they were comfortable with, the OP might come away with a new opportunity, a closer connection with her friends, and a husband who felt his needs were being met, too.