It’s always hard to process when people are dishonest with us.
Especially our nearest and dearest.
We are left wondering why they felt they couldn’t be completely truthful with us, while also unsure of what they were trying to accomplish by not telling us the whole truth.
In some cases, the dishonesty of our loved ones has damaging repercussions on us, causing a whole new level of conflict.
The husband of Redditor PixelPicklePie was a proud bodybuilder.
While the original poster (OP) was supportive of her husband’s efforts, she was shocked and upset to learn that he had been keeping a secret from her.
A secret that had possibly devastating consequences to their domestic life.
Having trouble processing her emotions around this, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole Here” (AITH).
While similar to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
“AITAH for being enraged that my husband is currently infertile?”
The OP shared why she found herself enraged with her husband:
“My (30 F[emale]) husband (36 M[ale]) has body built for 15+ years and has an unreal physique.”
“We got together at 21 and 27.”
“Being young, I was naive and believed him when he said he was natural (I only asked because my male acquaintances regularly asked me).”
“Over the years this morphed into ‘I’m natural now but I used to take T years ago’.”
“I distinctly remember telling him I am massively against drugs and if he ever went back on it and it affected us having a baby then I would never forgive him.”
“Cut forward to last December.”
“I was cleaning our apartment and found testosterone.”
“He’s somewhat of a hoarder so I wanted to make sure it wasn’t an old one that had been accidentally moved in.”
“So I hid it in my sock drawer.”
“Within 48 hours he confronted me, angry that I’d took it – clearly he had been taking it.”
“I gave him an ultimatum.”
“Me or testosterone.”
“We were set to get married in the summer.”
“He promised he wouldn’t take it again.”
“He promised my parents too.”
“So things settled down, we married, and we have been uber keen on having kids asap – him slightly more so than me even.”
“So we have been trying.”
“It’s been a while with no pregnancy so we took some fertility tests.”
“We just had results today.”
“Mine came back good.”
“His showed up as no sperm whatsoever.”
“The doctor asked him if he takes testosterone and my husband replied 12 months ago.”
“The doctor said he’d expect sperm to recover in 3-4 months which means we need to take a load more tests to figure out why there’s no sperm.”
“My first reaction was to comfort obviously, but when he heard 3-4 months, my husband seemed less deflated than he had been when he first heard the results.”
“So after we said goodbye to the doctor, I asked my husband ‘was 12 months really the last time you took T?’”
” After some back and fourth he admittedly he last took it two weeks ago.”
“I am fuming.”
“He lied to me.”
“He’s been wasting my time.”
“He risked our future child’s health.”
“He risked his own health.”
“He risked our future.”
“But he’s mad at me for not being supportive and he thinks I’m being completely unreasonable in my reaction.”
“He thinks I should be focussed on resolving the issue rather than the ‘why’.”
“That I married him knowing his history so I should be okay with it.”
“He’s making me doubt myself.”
“So people of Reddit.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Just about everyone agreed that the OP had every right to be enraged, as her husband’s lies had serious consequences not only on their marriage, but also on his own health:
“Realistically if he 36, and has been on TRT for a long time…..he’ll probably need to be on it indefinitely.”
“Maintenance dose to keep testosterone within a healthy range.”
“He can go to any Men’s wellness clinic and get HCG on top of it for fertility purposes.”
“It counters the sperm stopping properties.”
“If he gets off testosterone completely, he’ll probably feel horrible for months if not a year/years.”-Emergency-Paint-6457
“You married him knowing the omissions, half truths and excuses, not his ‘history’.”
“NTA obviously, and look, I don’t want to be the average Redditor suggesting divorce, but on the very least this warrants couple counseling to get to the root of his lying.”
“Individual therapy for him too.”- salbwassfith
“You’re enraged he lied, not that he’s infertile.”- Rogue-Daddio-3
“I’m by no means an expert on this subject, but it sounds to me like your husband needs mental health intervention.”
“When women are obsessed with their physique to the point that they intentionally damage themselves, we call that an eating disorder and get them help so they don’t die.”
“Your husband is obsessed with his shape to the point that he’s lying and hiding drugs.”
“I would require intensive therapy and a complete ban on bodybuilding before I’d be willing to continue the relationship.”
“He can’t handle being a normal healthy man at 36.”
“NO WAY is he going to be able to handle being 45 or 55 without a massive midlife crisis.”
“I am not in the habit of volunteering to be abused bc somebody else can’t get their sh*t together.”
“This problem is bigger than just a baby, and IMHO you would be a fool to continue with the relationship without significant, meaningful change.”- Todd_and_Margo
“You’re surprised that the man who lied to you multiple times about drugs was still doing them even after he promised you he wouldn’t?”
“NTA, but the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different results.”- Relative-Act5470
“You married a liar and are enraged that he lied.”
“I understand this could be life-changing news for you two to receive, but are you sincerely shocked by this?”
“Did a small part of you not expect this?”
“He’s mad at you for not being supportive of… his lying and breaking promises to you?”
“He sounds INSANELY self-absorbed, to the point of being delusional.”
“Please, please think long and hard about reproducing with someone who is so comfortable lying to your face.”- lovewholly
“No not the a**.”
“Here’s some info, though, for you as someone who takes tests.”
“He’s been on way more than test, btw, and since he’s been on for 15 years, he will need testosterone replacement for life.”
“So prepare for that.”
“He can do it safely and through a doc.”
“But without test he’ll feel like sh*t and have no sex drive, etc.”
“He probably knows this unless he lives in a cave, but he can use hCG and hMG to kick-start his sperm production.”
“Look it up.”
“And he will know about it, trust me.”
“There is a chance he’s f*cked it completely, so prepare for that as well.”
“It’s not that common, but it happens.”
“But hey, dudes lied for a long time and still is.”
“I’d wait on kids for sure.”
“For sure, for sure.”
“Kids are forever.”- aporter0131
“He lied so you marry him.”
“NTA and honestly, if it was me, I’d consider leaving, call it drastic, but you already gave him an ultimatum, and he kept lying about it and with it about marriage and family planning.”- Joubachi
“He likes ‘trying to have kids’ not the actual having them.”- No1LikesTheCowboys
“The issue is not his fertility.”
“In fact, I’d say it’s lucky he’s infertile. Do you really want to commit to raising children with an addict who is also a pathological liar?”- hengehanger
“Why do you still care what he thinks?”
“He’s exclusively interested in getting his own wants and needs met.”
“You need to start thinking about yourself.”
“It was a mistake for you to marry this man.”
“He is going to continue to lie to you while pursuing his own agenda.”
“Acknowledge that the marriage was a mistake and get yourself out of it.”
“Thank God that he’s infertile and you can walk away from him completely without being tethered to him by a child.”- Ok-Willow-9145
“You can be enraged that he lied.”
“But I think you’ve also been willfully blind.”
“You had 9 years with him and getting to know bodybuilding culture.”
“I suspect you did have some indication he was taking testosterone.”- thirdtryisthecharm
“Your husband has been lying to you about his priorities for your entire relationship.”
“You’ve literally never known him as an honest man.”
“Can you trust that he actually wants to have children?”- Which-Month-3907
“He will always put his working out before you and the kids. Is this who you really want to have kids with?”
“NTA.”- MaineHippo83
The OP made it very clear to her husband that their marriage would not be tenable if he continued taking testosterone.
And yet, he kept taking it, possibly costing him the chance of ever becoming a parent.
As well as possibly costing him his marriage.