Surgery—even day surgery where a patient spends only a few hours at the hospital—can be a frightening prospect. Things can and do go wrong.
So having a loved one close at hand is a great comfort. If they stick around, that is.
A wife whose husband decided to run errands during her surgery turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
A wife asked:
“AITA for getting into an argument with my husband because he left me during surgery?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I am a (25, female) and my husband (27, male) and I have been together for almost 4 years and we do not have any kids. I had a same-day lumpectomy surgery yesterday.”
“The tumor is not believed to be malignant, but I wanted it out since my mother had breast cancer. My husband got the day off work and drove me.”
“The surgery was delayed for about 3 hours, and my husband was getting impatient. The surgeon finally came in and said she expected the surgery would take an hour.”
“After she left, my husband said he was going to leave the hospital to get lunch when I went under since he hadn’t eaten that day.”
“I wanted him to be able to eat and was trying to be brave, but I really didn’t want to be left when the surgery was only supposed to be an hour, so I asked him if we could pick up food for him on the way home.”
“He gave me the impression he would stay, and I was wheeled away. Fast forward to 30 minutes later, I was being shaken awake by a nurse who told me I was sick and she was trying to get in touch with my husband.”
“Apparently, during the surgery, my blood pressure dropped rapidly, and my surgeon was able to get the tumor out in 20 minutes. My BP was 70/30 by the time they got it out, and my lips had turned blue.”
“I was very sick in my room. I was bleeding through my internal stitches, coming in and out of consciousness, and was vomiting—all the while, my nurse was trying to track my husband down.”
“My surgeon called him, but he did not answer. I’m very thankful for the sweet nurses who took care of me and reassured me.”
“He said it was a few unknown phone calls from the area. That was strange to me too, because he knew the doctors had his number.”
“It is the next day now, and I’m very emotional and angry about the whole ordeal. My husband did not apologize and has been incredibly defensive about the whole thing.”
“His explanation for leaving was, ‘I went out and got lunch, and then I was getting gas because I was low from driving your @ss around. The surgery was supposed to be an hour. How was I supposed to know your heart could have stopped?’.”
“I told him he had one job, which was to stay with me and tell me what the surgeon said. I could get over him leaving if he was apologetic or remorseful, but I’m shocked at his words/how little he seems to care for someone he claims to love.”
“In his defense, he cared for me last night when we got home but left today after we argued. I’m sure I’m just still really emotional from anesthesia and being a bit dramatic, but I can’t even look at him the same.”
“He is usually attentive and caring, so I am baffled. I’m sure he thought the chances of anything going wrong were slim, but I can’t understand his thought process.”
“I sat for hours and hours in waiting rooms during all of my mother’s breast cancer procedures and was nervous to even leave for a minute to get food. God forbid I have cancer because I don’t trust him with anything medical now.”
“Anyway, I’m unsure what I hope to get from writing this to strangers. I just needed to vent.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I’m wondering if I’m the a**hole because I told my husband ‘he had one job which he failed’ and he justified his actions.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“I just… Wow. Talk about a cold-hearted response. Anesthesia hangover or not, I don’t think you’re being dramatic.”
“That’s an incredibly cruel thing to say to someone who not only just got out of surgery, but also had such serious complications. NTA.” ~ WolfGoddess77
“Yep, not answering the hospital’s calls is totally unacceptable. He’s either doing something he shouldn’t or egregiously incompetent.”
“Either way he’s the a**hole. OP, I am sorry. I went through almost the same situation as you with my former husband.”
“Came home to vanilla yogurt in our fridge. . .we both hate vanilla yogurt with a passion. Am guessing you can figure out what happened next.”
“So sorry, you deserve better NTA.” ~ AgitatedJacket9627
“Married man here (not the OPs). OP, the only reasons I would leave the hospital in a situation like that is if I had to care for our 3-year-old.”
“You said you’re childless; he has no leg to stand on, no defense, and I’m deeply shocked on your behalf.”
“His behavior is inexplicable, and as for the comment about driving your a** around, a massive WTF to that alone. How dare he feel inconvenienced by taking you to the hospital for an operation.” ~ Fwoggie2
“I had a total thyroidectomy (removal) at four months postpartum. My surgery was supposed to start at 10, but I didn’t get wheeled back till 3.”
“My hubs and baby chilled with me in the pre-op room till it was time. He did leave the hospital to take baby home for Grammy and auntie to watch so he could be back for me waking up.”
“My ‘Mr- never-answers-his-phone-to-numbers-he-doesn’t-know’ kept his phone next to him on high alert during my surgery.”
“I know he was stressing at the unknowns of the surgery, especially after a rough birth ending in a c-section we had just had. He still was there and readily available for calls as needed.”
“OP’s husband has no reason for this behavior, in my opinion. If he was having a hard time dealing with the situational stress, he should have tapped someone else in to be the point of contact for the hospital while he was out.” ~ MrsSDrinks
“Lunch or not, he didn’t answer his phone. Knowing where she was, what was happening, not including the clear knowledge of his wife’s anxiety…”
“He didn’t answer his phone. NTA. F*ck him.” ~ CleoJK
“This is what stuck out to me too. I could ALMOST forgive him for going to get food. What is inexcusable is him not answering his phone the multiple times the hospital called.”
“For all he knows, she died on the table! Like, be for real right now, dude.”
“That is NOT something you do to someone you love. You also don’t then gaslight them and say things like ‘driving your a** around’!”
“NTA OP—I am NOT a person that rushes to divorce, so I’m not going to say that here. I WILL say you guys should get into couples therapy, and if he refuses, then I suggest you consider other options.” ~ bookworm1421
“I am kind of appalled that he even wanted to leave in the first place, to be honest. NTA.”
“Also, when was he planning to eat before the surgery was postponed, exactly? He didn’t bother to eat breakfast; he didn’t fill up the car before he drove you to the hospital.”
“It must have been dangerously low, right? Otherwise, why would he be refilling it while you were in surgery?”
“Is he always this disorganized? I hope your recovery goes smoothly.” ~ dryadduinath
“Even if he did go get something to eat and put gas in the car, he has no explanation for why he did not answer the phone call from the surgeon. This is a massive 🚩🚩🚩.”
“Something seems hinky in how he suddenly disappeared during the surgery and was unreachable. Most people would inform a head nurse if they step out and where to reach them, but he just up and walked out giving zero f*cks and with no remorse afterward.”
“Sorry OP, but I am going to be honest with you. If the behavior/action appears off, sounds off, and feels off…then it is definitely off.”
“If he is being all lovey-dovey and helpful now after walking out, being incomunicado, and having no remorse, it’s to throw you off from suspecting him, his intentions, and behavior. NTA.” ~ DivineGreekGoddess
“NTA. For me, it’s how he has reacted. I do understand him wanting to leave to get something to eat, or at least leave to get fresh air.”
“However, his phone should have been attached to his hand the entire time, answering on the first ring to anyone who called.”
“He should have raced back to the hospital, apologized to you, and not say a**hole things like ‘I was driving your a** around’ and ‘How was I supposed to know your heart could have stopped?’.”
“I think you need to re-look at how attentive and caring he actually is. What were those examples of?”
“Was it when you were sick? And for how long was he attentive and caring? Does he lash out when he’s feeling anxious and out of control?”
“This was a surgery. Imagine if you were going through something way more serious like cancer treatments.” ~ XxQueenOfSwordsXx
The OP was reassured their anger was justified and their husband’s was unacceptable.
Another question is how she proceeds from here.