Content Warning: Possible Domestic Abuse
When it comes to our friendships and romantic relationships, it makes sense that we would have a personal measure for how we think the relationship is going and where we stand in it.
It can be shocking to discover the other person doesn’t feel the same way, especially when we aren’t ready to accept any responsibility for why they may feel that way, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor sadhusbandry was surprised to discover that his wife had an emergency bag hidden in their home in case she ever needed to make a quick escape.
When she shared her reasoning for having it, the Original Poster (OP) was ready to end the relationship right then and there.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for wanting to leave my wife because she had a ‘go bag’?”
The OP made a discovery in his own home.
“My wife and I have been together for five years now, we have a two-year-old, and we were planning to expand our family.”
“I decided to tidy up my wife’s closet because there was a mold problem in the garage and I decided to inspect the whole house.”
“There I found a gym bag with clothes, some dry fruits, some tampons, and 1,000 dollars.”
The OP did not like his wife’s explanation for having a go bag.
“I asked my wife about it and her face suddenly lost its color.”
“At first, she told me that it was just an emergency bag in case we were hit by an earthquake or something.”
“I asked her why she hid it from me then.”
“After a bit of back and forth, she sheepishly confessed that it was a go bag.”
“Basically, women who need to flee their abusers are told to keep a go bag with all essential supplies like money and clothes and stuff.”
“I asked her why exactly would she ever feel the need to do this. I have never even talked to her in a loud voice, we barely have arguments, so why would she think that I was going to become an abuser?”
“She said she was not saying I was an abuser; she just wanted to do it for the peace of her mind.”
“I don’t buy her excuse. I don’t think she trusts me. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have to go so far to feel ‘peaceful.'”
The OP came to a drastic conclusion.
“I took some days to mull it over, and I have come to conclusion that I can’t be with a woman who can’t trust me and who sees me as an abuser.”
“I asked her for a marital separation and told her that I can’t be with a woman who does not trust me. I believe that trust is the foundation of any good relationship and if she doesn’t trust me, then it would be better if we part ways.”
“Now she is making excuses that she read too many ‘mommy forums’ and let herself be influenced by them. She even showed me the forums where they discuss ‘go bags’ and argue how every woman should have one.”
“I get the logic but I can’t stay with a woman who does not trust me enough to know that she never needed to do such a thing.”
“I agreed to take more time to think about it, but I think divorce will let her find a man she trusts not to be an abuser because she clearly does not trust me.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that the OP needed to embrace more responsibility in his marriage.
“His first reaction is ‘We have to divorce’ and not ‘What can I do to make you feel safe?’ It sounds like he’s not so trustworthy after all. Good thing she squirreled away some cash since he’s abandoning her.” – Adorable_Is9293
“When my wife and I merged our finances, this type of stuff came up. I am totally okay if she wants to have an individual bank account and stash $5k or something in there, so that she has ‘go money’ to help her feel safe.”
“OP getting all excited because she wants to be safe is 100 percent YTA on him.” – smokinbbq
“The color drained from her face? That’s fear. If he’s so calm, she wouldn’t have been afraid.” – Tarable
“I can just picture it now: (OP’s wife puts on a seatbelt.)
“OP: ‘Wow, I can’t believe you think I would ever crash the car. You don’t trust me enough!'”
“(OP drives off of a bridge. OP survives and blames his wife for dying.)” – bigspagetter
“Yeahhh, if a guy told me I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to have a go-bag, I’d leave so fast. I’m a grown f**king adult woman and if I want to set aside some of MY own money to serve as a hopefully-unneeded escape hatch, then that’s my business.”
“His reaction I think proves why she SHOULD have a go bag. It reads as ‘How dare you have a plan and resources in place to leave me if things get bad?'”
“It doesn’t matter that OP has supposedly not been abusive so far, but I suspect there is more to the story than that, as well.” – VovaGoF**kYourself
Others questioned if the OP was trying to make himself look good in the post instead of being truthful.
“OP’s extreme reaction here makes me wonder if we are missing some information about how he interacts with her. Abusers tend to overreact and paint themselves as the victim when they are called out on their behavior.”
“Just speculating, not accusing.” – iamgroooooot
“If this is how he is responding, maybe her instincts weren’t that far off the mark.”
“OP, Why aren’t you having a conversation with your wife? Why aren’t you digging a little deeper into this? Does she have past trauma? Is there prior behavior of yours that has frightened her? Have you considered couples therapy to get past this?”
“You have a child. And you’re willing to check your marriage out the window because your feelings are hurt. The math ain’t mathin’.” – Capable_Turn_6986
“A secure individual would look at this bag and realize she’s seen some s**t and knows how to plan for emergencies.”
“He might ask her about her history and see if there were areas where he might improve feelings of mutual safety. He’d seek to understand her point of view.”
“Heck, he might say, ‘That’s a good idea. Everyone needs one of these in case there’s a disaster!'” – CautionarySnail
“YTA.”
“In a healthy relationship, if she explains why she has it, and it’s not about him… a man who is actually ok with his partner being independent would have no issue with it.”
“The fact her face drained of color when you ‘asked her’… combined with the fact that the end result of the interaction is YOU in control and deciding to unilaterally end the relationship because of something ‘she did,’ after you found a way to make it about you…”
“With HER trying to convince you to stay, while you’re ‘mulling it over’… says a lot.”
“You say ‘I would never’ in a very pearl-clutching way, and all of your justifications for how wrong she is… Sounds a lot like one of those cases of ‘he doth protest too much.'”
“Sounds familiar. I’ve had relationships with people like you. Even down to the public plea for validation of your “righteousness”, to prove her into proper submission and contrition.”
“Not a good look.” – X0010010X
“My dad lovebombed my mom into an engagement after three months, and they married three months after that. He brought up wanting to have a baby early on. It wasn’t until she was pregnant with me one and a half years into their marriage that the mask slipped.”
“Out of nowhere one day, he lost his temper during an argument and kicked my mother so hard that she started having signs of a potential miscarriage. Her OB-GYN tried to convince her to leave then.”
“She finally left him after 31 years of marriage in 2022. I began making an escape plan for all of my relationships as an adult after growing up in that dynamic and experiencing abusive relationships of my own.”
“My husband and I have been married for almost ten years. He has never shown even the slightest sign of being potentially abusive, and he’s been super patient with me as I’ve worked through my issues in therapy. But I still had an escape plan in the back of my mind for the first couple of years and wasn’t able to truly relax until after our child was born a couple of years in.” – Guerilla_Physicist
After receiving feedback, the OP gave a response.
“I would like to address common things here:”
“First, statistics should not be applied to individual cases. This kind of thinking leads to racial profiling of African Americans by unfair law enforcement. Statistics do not dictate individuals, and I believe that every individual has the right to not be seen as a part of a group and have statistics applied to them blindly.”
“Second, no, she does not have a history of abusive relationships with me or anyone else.”
“Third, ‘it sounds like’ is not carte blanche to accuse anyone of anything. The ‘Dingo Ate My Baby’ woman was also convicted because she sounded like a murderer, and it’s a shame that you guys feel so at ease of doing something so disgusting as profiling someone based on their ‘tone.'”
“Finally, a relationship without trust is no relationship. How does one look past the fact that his wife thinks her husband is capable of being an abuser? It would be one thing if I had done something bad, but I don’t want to be in a relationship with no trust. Why marry me if she can’t trust me not to be an abuser?”
The OP also tried another approach, hoping for different results.
He went over to the “Too Afraid to Ask” subReddit and posted the following question:
“Why do women take offense when asked for DNA test but men have to suck it up when women have go bags?”
When the comments section was resoundingly negative and concerned, the OP quickly deleted the post, his account, and his previous AITAH post.
After reading the update, one Redditor wrote a comment the entire sub would agree with.
“I’ve been married for 20 years, and while reading this, my first thought was that if I found out my husband had a go bag, my reaction would be, ‘How can I make him feel safe,’ not, ‘Divorce him right nowwwwww because he doesn’t trust me.'”
“Also, OP, about your edit… The ‘good faith comments’ you’re looking for, AKA: comments that agree with you? I mean, OP came here looking for everyone to agree with him, but nothing in his post reads like he actually CARES about his wife.”
“YTA, OP, and this entire post shows EXACTLY why your wife needs the bag. Get therapy for yourself, cause your reaction is so freaking tone deaf to your wife’s needs and, frankly, seems dangerous.” – StrangeExpression481
The subReddit had nothing positive to say to support the OP’s concerns about the bag or his initial decision to divorce his wife over having the bag and not trusting him. So much so that the OP felt the need to post again elsewhere and to offer clarifications, all in the hope of a more positive opinion.
The OP clearly had some reflecting to do, and he needed to have a conversation with his wife that wouldn’t lead to the color draining from her face.