There are those among us who, while growing up, were totally awkward around people we liked, and we couldn't necessarily recognize when someone was complimenting us.
And at the opposite end of the dating spectrum, there were those who thought everything qualified as flirting, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor High-Place-6554 was recently mortified at a restaurant when her husband called out their server for trying to flirt with him, simply because she had complimented his hairstyle.
When her husband later confessed why he had made such a scene, it gave the Original Poster (OP) pause.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my husband that he didn't need to embarrass the waitress?"
The OP's husband was regularly complimented for his appearance.
"My husband (34) is your 'brutally honest' type of guy."
"He's also incredibly attractive because he takes good care of his appearance."
"From the time when we started dating, I pretty much got used to strangers or servers complimenting his looks and expressing their admiration in different ways."
"I always found it harmless, but he would get so worked up over the smallest comments from people. He thinks it's rude and ignorant."
The OP was surprised when her husband recently spoke up about it.
"We went out to eat at a new diner."
"When we gave the waitress our orders, she looked at my husband, smiled, and complimented his hair."
"He smiled and said, 'Thank you!'"
"He then looked at me and asked if I noticed how the waitress was 'basically trying to flirt.'"
"I did notice but figured maybe she did this to get more tips or something since it's a pretty common practice and I myself used to do it."
"He looked at me, shocked, and asked, 'Really??'"
"He then dropped it until the waitress got back with our meals."
"As she was putting the food down at the table, he looked at her and said, 'Hey, let me tell you a little secret.'"
"She looked at him and was like, 'Um??'"
"He then said, 'I have been all around the world for the past 10 years, and I'd seen many, many beautiful women, but I'm MARRIED (he stressed this word) to the most beautiful one, and she's all I see, now and forever.'"
"The waitress looked dumbfounded. She smiled awkwardly and then asked why he was telling her this."
"He replied, saying that it's to save her time and effort with whatever she was trying to do."
"She looked down and quickly walked away."
The OP tried to talk to her husband about what happened.
"I said that was hurtful and was uncalled for."
"But he said that she needed to hear it to learn a lesson and know her place."
"I told him she was just being harmlessly flirty (barely) which could be her way of getting better tips and that he didn't need to embarrass her like that."
"He was like, 'I don't get you, you should be encouraging me to shut this s**t down instead.'"
"I said it was just a comment she made about his hair, and that's it."
"He got upset and said that I made him feel s**tty for trying to set a boundary for himself, but I thought he overreacted."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some couldn't believe the husband thought the server was hitting on him over his hair.
"I have told so many people I like their hair because they have cool hair, and getting compliments on things you have influence and choice over is awesome."
"I don't think I've ever told someone I liked their hair as a seduction plan." - very_busy_newt
"I've had a couple of people use my hair to hit on me. But it's always way more blatant than 'I like your hair.'"
"Now I'm wondering if all those complete strangers I've seen that I told I liked their hair because they had awesome hair, thought I was hitting on them..." - Fairykinn
"One of the moms at my son's kindergarten always looks so perfect. She is the type who could put on a garbage bag and still be the most stunning person in the room."
"When I really like her outfit, I always compliment her on it. I physically can't keep my mouth shut, because it's so fabulous."
"Not once was I accused of hitting on her. I never get either why people confuse compliment with a romantic interest." - Explain_your_sneeze
"A lady complimented my husband's hair last night. At no point did either of us think she was flirting with him." - randomly-what
"People need to keep in mind: the waitress is never actually hitting on you or into the fact that you're hitting on her."
"They are doing a job, which includes being friendly, and their compensation for that job depends on how much you like them at the end of the meal, basically."
"So small compliments, smiles, laughing at your stupid jokes, and generally responding positively to whatever you give them, is part of the job, not flirting." - alwaysforgettingmyun
"I love to compliment people. I work in retail and I try to find honest compliments for as many people as I can. I love doing this and seeing their faces light up."
"A woman the other day actually cried because she had been feeling so down on herself that day and I made her feel better at least for a moment."
"I had to stop complimenting most men almost immediately because, no matter my delivery or the innocence of the comment, waaaaay too many of them took it as flirting."
"I've also had to change the way I phrase things because some men are just gross."
"If someone said, 'I'm sorry,' about something they feel is inconveniencing me, I used to always say, 'You're fine!' Now I have to say, 'You're okay!,' because so. many. men. would make it uncomfortable." - Liveable_jumble
"I've seen so many men interpret any positive attention at all as 'flirting' if it was paid by a woman."
"A cashier that smiles at him and cracks a joke while ringing him up, a colleague telling him he did a great job on his last presentation, even something as simple as a 'good morning!' might be interpreted as flirtatious if she makes eye contact while she says it."
"Half of me finds it deeply obnoxious, and the other half is just so, so sad for men who are this starved for praise and human connection." - DiTrastevere
Others thought the husband needed to work on his humbleness and self-awareness.
"Can you imagine being a 34-year-old man obsessed with your appearance and probably telling everyone about every time a stranger says something nice to you? Cringey." - briberylibrary
"'My husband is one of those brutally honest types' and 'my husband is very attractive' honestly sounded like an oxymoron straight off the bat."
"By 'attractive' I'm guessing OP just means 'conventionally handsome,' because nothing about his personality displayed here sounds nice in the slightest." - SpamLandy
"NTA. Used to receiving compliments or not, that's an awful way to view it! Compliments don't equal sexual attraction."
"You can compliment a friend or stranger without feeling the need to be in a relationship or to have sex."
"This dude sounds like he jumps to conclusions and then boasts to make himself feel better. Maybe he needs to start giving out compliments instead of only receiving them to gain some humbleness back." - KaytTheNotSoGreat
"NTA, your husband is an arrogant, egotistical, rude prick. He might be superficially physically attractive but his personality is anything but." - Sprogpaws
"Him saying she needs to 'know her place' is honestly disgusting." - unluckysupernova
Some felt some combination of terrible for the OP and for the server.
"Someone liking your hair is not them flirting or even being attracted to you."
"Like, say thanks, and move on with your night."
"I have second-hand embarrassment for him. The waitress was probably like, '……ok?' and then went in the kitchen to talk about how weird he was."
"NTA." - Wonderful_Mammoth709
"As a woman, I don't like to comment on how strangers look at all. I try to avoid anything that might be perceived as... intimate."
"I save the intimate comments for the people I know because I have a better idea of how they'll take it."
"This isn't to say the waitress did anything wrong. I'd just be mortified if I were her and it's a situation I try to avoid." - myohmymiketyson
"I compliment strange women often. Great outfit, cute bag, nice make up, fancy hair... And I have never had a negative response."
"At a minimum, it's always a smile and a thank you, if not a full-on explanation about how the purse was on sale, or they're going to an event later. Always a nice exchange."
"I would and will NEVER compliment a strange man, because of men like in this post."
"Imagine being so narcissistic, that any minor compliment instantly means women are hitting on you. I feel so bad for that waitress." - maimee78
"People who pride themselves on being brutally honest are often more interested in brutality than honesty."
"Plus anyone who wants to put a server in their place is automatically an AH." - PomegranateReal3620
While the subReddit didn't think the OP was wrong to speak on the server's behalf, they were certainly concerned with her husband's behavior.
Not only had he blown the situation out of proportion and likely embarrassed the server, but he also needed a serious lesson in humbleness and what qualifies as flirting.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.