There are those among us who, while growing up, were totally awkward around people we liked, and we couldn't necessarily recognize when someone was complimenting us.
And at the opposite end of the dating spectrum, there were those who thought everything qualified as flirting, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor High-Place-6554 was recently mortified at a restaurant when her husband called out their server for trying to flirt with him, simply because she had complimented his hairstyle.
When her husband later confessed why he had made such a scene, it gave the Original Poster (OP) pause.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my husband that he didn't need to embarrass the waitress?"
The OP's husband was regularly complimented for his appearance.
"My husband (34) is your 'brutally honest' type of guy."
"He's also incredibly attractive because he takes good care of his appearance."
"From the time when we started dating, I pretty much got used to strangers or servers complimenting his looks and expressing their admiration in different ways."
"I always found it harmless, but he would get so worked up over the smallest comments from people. He thinks it's rude and ignorant."
The OP was surprised when her husband recently spoke up about it.
"We went out to eat at a new diner."
"When we gave the waitress our orders, she looked at my husband, smiled, and complimented his hair."
"He smiled and said, 'Thank you!'"
"He then looked at me and asked if I noticed how the waitress was 'basically trying to flirt.'"
"I did notice but figured maybe she did this to get more tips or something since it's a pretty common practice and I myself used to do it."
"He looked at me, shocked, and asked, 'Really??'"
"He then dropped it until the waitress got back with our meals."
"As she was putting the food down at the table, he looked at her and said, 'Hey, let me tell you a little secret.'"
"She looked at him and was like, 'Um??'"
"He then said, 'I have been all around the world for the past 10 years, and I'd seen many, many beautiful women, but I'm MARRIED (he stressed this word) to the most beautiful one, and she's all I see, now and forever.'"
"The waitress looked dumbfounded. She smiled awkwardly and then asked why he was telling her this."
"He replied, saying that it's to save her time and effort with whatever she was trying to do."
"She looked down and quickly walked away."
The OP tried to talk to her husband about what happened.
"I said that was hurtful and was uncalled for."
"But he said that she needed to hear it to learn a lesson and know her place."
"I told him she was just being harmlessly flirty (barely) which could be her way of getting better tips and that he didn't need to embarrass her like that."
"He was like, 'I don't get you, you should be encouraging me to shut this s**t down instead.'"
"I said it was just a comment she made about his hair, and that's it."
"He got upset and said that I made him feel s**tty for trying to set a boundary for himself, but I thought he overreacted."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some couldn't believe the husband thought the server was hitting on him over his hair.
"I have told so many people I like their hair because they have cool hair, and getting compliments on things you have influence and choice over is awesome."
"I don't think I've ever told someone I liked their hair as a seduction plan." - very_busy_newt
"I've had a couple of people use my hair to hit on me. But it's always way more blatant than 'I like your hair.'"
"Now I'm wondering if all those complete strangers I've seen that I told I liked their hair because they had awesome hair, thought I was hitting on them..." - Fairykinn
"One of the moms at my son's kindergarten always looks so perfect. She is the type who could put on a garbage bag and still be the most stunning person in the room."
"When I really like her outfit, I always compliment her on it. I physically can't keep my mouth shut, because it's so fabulous."
"Not once was I accused of hitting on her. I never get either why people confuse compliment with a romantic interest." - Explain_your_sneeze
"A lady complimented my husband's hair last night. At no point did either of us think she was flirting with him." - randomly-what
"People need to keep in mind: the waitress is never actually hitting on you or into the fact that you're hitting on her."
"They are doing a job, which includes being friendly, and their compensation for that job depends on how much you like them at the end of the meal, basically."
"So small compliments, smiles, laughing at your stupid jokes, and generally responding positively to whatever you give them, is part of the job, not flirting." - alwaysforgettingmyun
"I love to compliment people. I work in retail and I try to find honest compliments for as many people as I can. I love doing this and seeing their faces light up."
"A woman the other day actually cried because she had been feeling so down on herself that day and I made her feel better at least for a moment."
"I had to stop complimenting most men almost immediately because, no matter my delivery or the innocence of the comment, waaaaay too many of them took it as flirting."
"I've also had to change the way I phrase things because some men are just gross."
"If someone said, 'I'm sorry,' about something they feel is inconveniencing me, I used to always say, 'You're fine!' Now I have to say, 'You're okay!,' because so. many. men. would make it uncomfortable." - Liveable_jumble
"I've seen so many men interpret any positive attention at all as 'flirting' if it was paid by a woman."
"A cashier that smiles at him and cracks a joke while ringing him up, a colleague telling him he did a great job on his last presentation, even something as simple as a 'good morning!' might be interpreted as flirtatious if she makes eye contact while she says it."
"Half of me finds it deeply obnoxious, and the other half is just so, so sad for men who are this starved for praise and human connection." - DiTrastevere
Others thought the husband needed to work on his humbleness and self-awareness.
"Can you imagine being a 34-year-old man obsessed with your appearance and probably telling everyone about every time a stranger says something nice to you? Cringey." - briberylibrary
"'My husband is one of those brutally honest types' and 'my husband is very attractive' honestly sounded like an oxymoron straight off the bat."
"By 'attractive' I'm guessing OP just means 'conventionally handsome,' because nothing about his personality displayed here sounds nice in the slightest." - SpamLandy
"NTA. Used to receiving compliments or not, that's an awful way to view it! Compliments don't equal sexual attraction."
"You can compliment a friend or stranger without feeling the need to be in a relationship or to have sex."
"This dude sounds like he jumps to conclusions and then boasts to make himself feel better. Maybe he needs to start giving out compliments instead of only receiving them to gain some humbleness back." - KaytTheNotSoGreat
"NTA, your husband is an arrogant, egotistical, rude prick. He might be superficially physically attractive but his personality is anything but." - Sprogpaws
"Him saying she needs to 'know her place' is honestly disgusting." - unluckysupernova
Some felt some combination of terrible for the OP and for the server.
"Someone liking your hair is not them flirting or even being attracted to you."
"Like, say thanks, and move on with your night."
"I have second-hand embarrassment for him. The waitress was probably like, '……ok?' and then went in the kitchen to talk about how weird he was."
"NTA." - Wonderful_Mammoth709
"As a woman, I don't like to comment on how strangers look at all. I try to avoid anything that might be perceived as... intimate."
"I save the intimate comments for the people I know because I have a better idea of how they'll take it."
"This isn't to say the waitress did anything wrong. I'd just be mortified if I were her and it's a situation I try to avoid." - myohmymiketyson
"I compliment strange women often. Great outfit, cute bag, nice make up, fancy hair... And I have never had a negative response."
"At a minimum, it's always a smile and a thank you, if not a full-on explanation about how the purse was on sale, or they're going to an event later. Always a nice exchange."
"I would and will NEVER compliment a strange man, because of men like in this post."
"Imagine being so narcissistic, that any minor compliment instantly means women are hitting on you. I feel so bad for that waitress." - maimee78
"People who pride themselves on being brutally honest are often more interested in brutality than honesty."
"Plus anyone who wants to put a server in their place is automatically an AH." - PomegranateReal3620
While the subReddit didn't think the OP was wrong to speak on the server's behalf, they were certainly concerned with her husband's behavior.
Not only had he blown the situation out of proportion and likely embarrassed the server, but he also needed a serious lesson in humbleness and what qualifies as flirting.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.