Chances are, you and your domestic partner aren't always going to take up the same hobbies.
Most couples don't give this much thought, happily partaking in their new or longstanding hobbies while their partners enjoy theirs.
The only time a partner's hobby could prove to be an issue is when they chose to bring it home with them.
This makes it challenging not only for their partner to enjoy their hobbies but also to fulfill their daily routines.
The wife of Redditor Icy-Shelter9897 had recently taken up a rather unusual hobby, which made routine kitchen visits surprisingly challenging.
After the original poster (OP)'s wife continued to express frustration whenever he disrupted or damaged her work, the OP finally snapped, even going so far as to call his wife's newfound hobby "stupid."
While visits to the kitchen quickly became much easier, the OP's relationship with his wife became more distant.
Having doubts about his behavior, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my wife I hate her fridgescaping?"
The OP explained how his honest opinion of his wife's "fridgescaping" seemed to get him in hot water:
"Recently my wife has taken to 'fridgescaping'."
"I guess it's a recent trend because I'd never heard about it before this."
"She started decorating our fridge and it was really getting on my nerves, for example she put flowers in the fridge, in vases, in front of food so you have to move things just to get to the food."
"She put all our food in fancy baskets, jars, and similar things. I know it sounds absurd, but if you just search up 'fridgescaping,' you'll see what I'm talking about."
"I didn't care at first because I don't have to use the fridge much anyways, I don't cook a lot."
"But she's getting too meticulous with it and adding too much decor."
"It's made the fridge very uninviting for me."
"She gets upset when I get something from the fridge and don't put things back perfectly."
"She keeps taking it as a personal slight and acts like I've done something to deliberately hurt her, when I haven't, I just find it unnecessary to maintain such an organized fridge."
"Before she started this, it would take me 30 seconds to grab something quick from the fridge, whereas now it's a whole ordeal."
"Last weekend she confronted me after I grabbed some leftovers from the fridge and left it in 'disarray' according to her."
"I explained how I find the hobby stupid and she can decorate other things, it doesn't have to be the fridge."
"It gets in the way when I want to quickly eat, when I come home from work hungry and tired and want to grab a quick bite it's frustrating."
"I also talked to my son about it, and he finds it annoying, which I told her."
"She didn't argue back after that, and she's removed all of the decorations from the fridge, which I have to admit has been relieving."
"But she's also been acting very distant towards me and just hasn't been herself and has been weird intimacy-wise."
"AITAH for this?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they generally agreed that the OP might have been the a**hole for calling his wife's fridgescaping "stupid."
Some felt that while the OP could have chosen his words a bit more carefully, they otherwise agreed that his wife needed to understand that her hobby was making life more difficult for everyone else in the house:
"NTA."
"I mean, was it nice to call something she put time and effort into stupid?"
"Probably not."
"My move would have been to call it impractical, especially as it's a communally used appliance and not fully in her control."
"Having a fridge that is practical to use is important, and chances are, most of these content creators don't actually leave their fridge 'fridgescaped' as it's just not functional."
"Maybe you can apologize for the stupid comment and then ask her if there's somewhere else in the home she'd like to decorate solely to her liking."
"I do think people need to consider how rude it is to call things other people might find a spark of joy or fun in 'stupid' or 'dumb.'"
"All too often people, women in particular, are called stupid for liking...basically anything."
"Taylor Swift is dumb, the Barbie movie was dumb, Bravo shows are dumb, Stanley cups are dumb, Starbucks is a waste and so on and so forth."
"Would I decorate the interior of my fridge?"
"Probably not."
"But if it was something OP's wife found a bit of fun in, then who cares."
"It literally harms no one."
"And OP's wife lives in a house with two guys who probably dominate a lot of the household with their wants and interests."- coastalkid92
"NTA."
"If it makes someone happy to store food in attractive containers and neatly organize the fridge, that would be one thing."
"But adding crap like flowers, framed pictures, and assorted tchotchkes (that make it difficult to use the fridge for its intended purpose) is just plain ridiculous."- WelfordNelferd
Others felt that the OP needed to express his frustrations to his wife, he did it in the most undiplomatic way possible, and they both could have worked together to come up with a solution that pleased both of them:
"NAH."
"its reasonable to not want too much decor in the fridge, or to not be scolded if you don't put things back perfectly."
"But you did totally belittle something that brought your wife joy and made her feel creative, not surprised she's been distant."
"Most people don't like it when you sh*t on their interests, and most people like it even less when it's a spouse."
"I'm nicer to my friends about their interests that I don't like than you are to your literal wife."
"Not understanding that it might make her distant is completely clueless of you tbh."- Hareikan
Most, however, simply couldn't abide the way the OP handled this, agreeing that he owed his wife a huge apology, with some even feeling that the OP's response suggested he doesn't help out nearly enough with food and cooking around the house:
"You know most of these am I the a**hole posts come down to communication."
"It's hardly ever the situation."
"You're not the a**hole for not wanting your fridge scaped."
"But you're the a-hole for how you talk to people."
"There's so many better ways you could have approached it and you approached it out of anger and annoyance and belittled your wife and made her feel it was you and your son against her."
"To her, this was a fun little hobby that felt fulfilling to her, and you essentially told her that the thing that brought her happiness is stupid and annoying and to stop."
"You could have said it looks wonderful, but it's a bit inconvenient, and maybe she could have put her efforts somewhere else, like the laundry room because, as much as you enjoy the aesthetic, the fridge didn't seem the best place to showcase her efforts."
"BE NICE TO PEOPLE YOU LOVE!"
"Why does that seem so feckin hard?"
"Why don't people do that more often?"
"And the audacity to wonder why she doesn't want to be intimate afterwards."
"I only shat all over her hobby. Why is she not taking all of her clothes off?"
"Be nice to your wife."
"Apologize and say it THE RIGHT WAY; there's always a right and wrong way to communicate with someone you love."
"Right now, YTA. Not because of the situation."
"But because you treat your wife like she's less."
"Be better."- TouringPotato
"People seem to think that because your wife's hobby is stupid that makes it all right to be a d*ck to her."
"It does not."
"There are ways to communicate your dissatisfaction without telling her something she did was stupid."
"That's what your wife is upset about."
"Not that you didn't like it, but because of the way you told her."
"And for bringing your son into it."
"YTA."- Agreeable_Error261
"YTA."
"Not because fridgescaping doesn't sound annoying as hell, but because you apparently contribute so little to the food of the household that it took you quite a bit to start to care about something this impractical."
"What grown adult 'doesn't use the fridge much anyways'?"
"If you're leaving almost all the kitchen operations to your wife, except apparently grabbing leftovers sometimes, the fridge is her domain."
"And the fact that when she treated it as her domain and tried to get some joy out of the monotonous slog that is cooking every single meal, you said 'this is stupid' instead of 'can we share the kitchen responsibilities and therefore space and decisions more evenly?''
"Makes you the AH."- MaddogOfLesbos
It's not unreasonable for someone to get that grabbing a snack or drink from the fridge should take longer than five seconds.
However, since the reason that this was the case for the OP was owing to a project his wife took great pride in, he should have planned to address this with a bit more sensitivity and tact.
Seeing as he seems more concerned with the unpleasant change of intimacy and not his wife's hurt feelings, it seems sensitivity and tact might be two things the OP needs to improve.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.