Not wearing shoes in the home is a rule for many households.
It can reduce the amount of mopping needed.
Dirt from outside gets tracked in so easily.
Redditor juiced-cabbage wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for demanding my husband mop the floors?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My husband (41 M[ale]) and I (35 F[emale]) have been together for 8 years, married for 1."
"A few years ago, we moved to a city in a warmer climate, and with the nicer weather."
"I noticed my husband would walk outside barefoot almost every day."
"He then walks around our house, sits on the couch, just goes about his day with feet that are often completely black on the bottom."
"We live in a DIRTY city (downtown Los Angeles)."
"There is always trash in the street."
"There's often dog poop abandoned on the sidewalk, occasionally human poop."
"He oftentimes walks barefoot in the road to get to his car, and the tar really makes his feet black."
"We live in a shoes-off house, meaning we take our shoes off when we get home."
"It's not just comfortable, but I like to do it because it cuts down on the germs you carry inside, meaning we don't have to clean the floors as often."
"But if he walks around barefoot outside, that defeats the purpose of taking our shoes off inside."
"For a few years now, I've tried to talk him into wearing shoes outside."
"From a health perspective, my doctor told me he could get hookworms from walking barefoot. "
"He won't budge, so I gave that up and accepted his weird behavior."
"But I hate how dirty our floors are; my socks turn black just within a couple of hours of walking around our house."
"I tried to convince him to clean his feet off when he comes inside."
"The best I could get out of him is that he has a designated foot brush in the shower, but he only showers once a day (if that), so his feet are often still dirty in our house."
"He often won't clean his feet until I see them and complain."
"To his credit, he usually cleans them when I ask, but at the same time, I hate being the dirty feet police, and the dirt damage is already done by that time."
"Now I've told him that if he won't clean his feet off, then he will have to mop the floors every Saturday."
"He says I am being a controlling AH and a germaphobe."
"I think the majority of his friends wouldn't put up with this gross behavior either."
"I've been more than reasonable in trying to work with him on this, so he's been an AH to call my boundaries 'controlling.'"
"I want clean floors, and I've given him three options to get there."
"Yes, he has flip-flops."
"And slip-ons."
"Doesn't matter."
"He says he wants his feet 'to be free.'"
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. The fact that he walks around outside in downtown LA with no shoes on is just disgusting." ~ GBOC80
"My partner got a nasty blood infection from walking around Koreatown in flip-flops and almost had to be hospitalized."
"Not even barefoot!"
"Nice flip flops!"
"The streets are DISGUSTING, he's gonna wind up getting really sick being barefoot!" ~ whoisthepinkavenger
"Ok, so I'm an LA native who has lived in downtown LA for five years."
"He's walking around on the sidewalk barefoot??"
"I dunno where you are, Pico Union or Lincoln Heights or what, but eww the disrespect is wild."
"Make him do a foot bacterial culture sometimes."
"Drop dinner on the floor and let him eat it."
"Wild s**t." ~ DerivativeMonster
"There is no clean area in the world that you can walk barefoot and come home and hang out."
"There is poop."
"Dog poop, bird poop, cat poop, squirrel poop." ~ UnpopularMentis
"Something about walking barefoot in downtown LA just feels rough."
"I don't blame you for reacting that way. NTA." ~ bobofriendz
"Dude… husband is walking barefoot, stepping in s**t outside, coming into the house without washing his feet."
"You know he's dragging s**t into your bed at night. 🤮."
"Not to mention your husband could step on a discarded needle and bring home a communicable disease to you."
"Your city has an epidemic of homeless and drug addicts leaving bodily waste and drug paraphernalia in the streets."
"Is your husband passively trying to kill the entire household?"
"I swear the average husband in AITA is gross."
"I can't believe ya'll deal with this s**t in marriage."
"This is such a heinous lack of consideration for y'all's health and well-being."
"Clean floors are the least of your problems."
"I would consider leaving to protect my health." ~ ITLynn
"NTA. He needs to mop daily." ~ No-Strawberry-5804
"NTA and daily mopping."
"I mop once a week, and we use slippers in the house."
"Less than daily is just nasty."
"He should be washing his feet every time he comes inside; he's pretty disgusting if he's not."
"She says he showers once a day, if that."
"I wonder if it's in the morning or evening, is he going to bed with his filthy feet?"
"How revolting." ~ Only_Cod3606
"Eww. NTA."
"He brings those gross feet under the sheets and blankets, too. Ick."
"I don't know how you do it, that is gnarly." ~ Left_Set_5610
"NTA, but be for real."
"It's been 8 years, and you expect him to change?"
"Good luck, babe." ~ fIumpf
"NTA. He needs to mop the floors every day, or he needs to THOROUGHLY clean his feet whenever he comes in."
"Whether or not you are there to supervise."
"You're not being controlling."
"You're not being a germaphobe."
"You just want clean floors, and he just likes to track dirt all over your clean floors, so you will have to clean them up."
"I'm basically sympathetic to going barefoot - I love going barefoot outside - but absolutely, if you're going to walk around barefoot OUTSIDE, then you clean your feet when you get INSIDE."
"This is not a barefoot issue."
"This is a man being controlling and nasty to you, enjoying his power to disgust you, and trying to gaslight you into pretending you're the unreasonable one." ~ Enough-Process9773
"Dirty feet police AAAAAAAA OMG... NTA."
"This is absolutely disgusting."
"What is so hard about quickly wearing flip-flops when going briefly outside?"
"And it's not like you live in a place fairly clean (as you mentioned, LA)."
"I would keep standing my ground."
"Also, how do you put up sharing a bed with him, knowing he has dirty feet, and not innocent dirt from inside the house, BUT FROM OUTSIDE?"
"I WOULD NEVER!" ~ RegularEfficient2567
"NTA. Ewwww 😅 I would do the same."
"Maybe tell him to do it every day since he apparently thinks you like cleaning up his nasty feet muck." ~ PepeLeStank
"NTA, but quit accepting the idea that it's up to you to do all the mental labor of coming up with a plan."
"Tell him: it's reasonable that he likes to go barefoot."
"It's also reasonable that you like a clean house."
"He doesn't like the strategies you came up with to have both, so now it's on him to offer strategies to have both." ~ SigridMalone
"NTA. He can wear shoes outside or socks inside, or clean his feet."
"Everything else is disgusting and disrespectful to your home and you."
"If he loves you, he would make any of the small, reasonable concessions you've outlined." ~ tugmushy
"NTA. He also would have to wear socks or shower before bed because I would not allow those nasty feet in my bed." ~ Gryrthandorian
"NTA, he and his free feet can just live outside then lol."
"I would become controlling about it- his filth is affecting your health and your peace of mind."
"I would make him wear slippers inside if he refuses to wear shoes outside."
"I would not stop bothering him about it for one second."
"It's not okay for him to dirty up your home for his own comfort and call you a germaphobe for being uncomfortable with his filth."
"His comfort is not more important than yours, and it certainly shouldn't mean you have to clean up after him."
"Once a week is not enough, by the way, I would have him wash his feet and mop the floor every time he walks in from being barefoot outside."
"He can decide if it's worth dealing with all the mopping and foot washing or not." ~ late-nineteenth
"NTA. Yuck!!!"
"Just wear inside slippers."
"And get a fly swatter and whack him every time his gross feet are anywhere other than the floor."
"He's gross!" ~ Serious_Pause_2529
"Mopping the floor once a week is 'controlling' to him!?"
"Like gross feet aside, mopping once a week in a non-carpeted living area should just be automatic."
"We are a slipper house (remove outdoor shoes for indoor sandals/house shoes), but high traffic areas are mopped daily and the rest at a minimum once a week."
"He's getting that in your bed."
"Possibly any sofa or sitting area if he props his feet anywhere."
"He's grown enough to know better." ~ Mother_Throat_6314
"Please tell me you have carpet or rugs in your house!"
"I'm imagining a dirty path across the carpet."
"Please, no carpet, please no carpet!"
"You are NTA, but he is." ~ weaderwabbit
"NTA. I've fought- and lost- a similar battle, except mine refuses to take his shoes off and constantly tracks stuff in."
"None of my kids do, because I won't allow them to, but my husband is untrainable."
"I decided it's not worth fighting- he does dishes way more than I do, and he does 85% of the cooking."
"So I sweep and mop a lot." ~ Runns_withScissors
Reddit is with you, OP.
This is not just gross behavior; it's unhealthy.
There could be glass on the streets, needles, you name it.
This is odd behavior.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp