Having a baby is a very complicated situation.
Yes there is a ton of love and happiness involved, there is also stress, chaos and serious life upheaval.
So the last thing a mother to be needs is a surprise near the due date.
Case in point…
Redditor RadiantAppearance57 wanted to discuss her story for some feedback. So naturally she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for not telling my friends wife that he is my sperm donor?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I’m a 30 year old asexual woman who is currently 33 weeks pregnant with twin girls that I conceived through I[n] V[itro] F[ertilization].”
“I have always wanted children but never really considered them on the cards for me due to my sexuality.”
“But now I am in a position where I felt stable enough to bring a child into the world on my own so I decided to go through IVF.”
“My best friend since high school (31 M[ale]) found out about my plan and how I was looking into finding a donor so it wouldn’t be anonymous.”
“And I could vet medical history etc… and offered to be the sperm donor, as at least I’d know his medical history and any risks there was attached.”
“I agreed but made it very clear he wouldn’t be a parental role in the child’s life.”
“At most he’d be an honorary ‘Uncle’ due to our friendship.”
“He was happy to agree to this.”
“And it never once occurred to me that he would offer this without running this by his wife (31 F[emle]) first.”
“As some of you will likely be worried I used a H[uamn] F[ertilization] E[mbryology] A[uthority] Clinic.”
“Which is a legally licensed clinic which means due to the paperwork signed when I underwent IVF he has no legal right or obligation towards the babies.”
“Which was what both of us wanted going into this.”
“The IVF was a success as my pregnant state proves.”
“A little too successful perhaps as it’s twins.”
“I recently took my friend and his wife out to dinner to thank them for doing this for me and celebrate being in the third trimester.”
“But his wife was confused when I explained the reason for the dinner and then got angry demanding to know why we kept this from her.”
“I was just as shocked and asked my friend if he hadn’t told his wife.”
“He tried to explain to both of us he hadn’t thought it’d matter as he has no rights to them at all.”
“His wife got even angrier at that part stating she isn’t comfortable with their son (6M) having siblings that aren’t really his siblings.”
“And she wants that part changed so that her husband has a legal say over the girls.”
“I was in shock over this but said I wouldn’t be doing that as I wanted to raise them alone.”
“The three of us got into a huge argument and his wife demanded to know why I wouldn’t tell her that her husband had offered this in the first place.”
“I feel very guilty for not checking with his wife first.”
“But it honestly never occurred to me that he wouldn’t have done that first.”
“So I thought if he was offering she had to have already given the ok.”
“AITA in this? I don’t know what to do…”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“Oh my god, so NTA.”
“The fact that he has a son with his wife makes it even more confusing to me why he wouldn’t have run this by her or at least let her know he planned to do it.”
“You did the right thing by thanking them as a unit, since married couples should be operating as a unit.” ~mde111
“NTA. This is something your friend should have shared with his wife.”
‘Due to your long term friendship with him, it is reasonable to expect he and his wife would have periodic contact with your child.”
“He even agreed to being an ‘honorary uncle.'”
“Your friend not telling his wife has put you and her in incredibly awkward positions.”
“I would make sure things are good from a legal standpoint.”
“I would also at some point try to talk things out and see how to handle this for the future (assuming you and he will still be friends) especially as they already have a child and you have two coming.” ~ cattripper
“NTA!! It wasn’t your responsibility to run this by her!”
“Plus him not telling you he didn’t tell her… how could you know??”
“I would have assumed as well!”
“Why wouldn’t he at least give you a heads up pre-dinner to keep it quiet (not saying that would be okay either, but at least not ruin dinner).”
“You both singed off, so it’s not up to her as she has no legal say in her husband’s sperm, don’t worry about that, but damn!” ~ anneofred
“I just don’t understand not having them to dinner first to hash out how this would work.”
“Sounds like he offered sperm and she just jumped with absolutely zero thought process.”
“Like he wants to be in an uncle role, what would that involve?”
“If she moved away would he want to call or video chat the girls or just pictures sent once a year?”
“What kind of relationship are they going to have with their bio brother?”
“At which age is she going to tell them who their father is?”
“Maybe they want to tell their son right away, or never tell him.”
“What if they told son when he was 18 and he was pissed and told the twins who would only be 12?”
“What if at some point as teens or whatever they decide they want to live with their bio dad? Etc. Etc.
“I can think of a million questions that should have been asked and talked about before she ever got knocked up.
“And ALL of them would require a conversation with the donor AND hid wife.” ~ Corduroycat1
“Good points. All of these; many of which I didn’t think of or consider.”
“I still think OP is NTA.”
“But you do bring up some excellent, ‘moral gray areas’ that OP should have thought of when her friend offered.”
“And maybe even delved deeper into his motivations for why he’d father children that he’d have no legal say over what so ever.”
“And how that would effect his relationship with them in the future.”
“OP can trust him now to say he’s fine being an honorary ‘Uncle.'”
“But his feelings can change in in the future the more he essentially interacts with these children he did contribute half of his biological emission (is that the right word?) to.” ~ allthingsconsidered5
OP responded…
“If I had known she wasn’t in the know about this i”d have never agreed to using him.”
“Because I assumed she knew I just invited them both out to dinner thinking it was the best way to thank them.” ~ RadiantAppearance57
“NTA. I’m asexual too and I’ve considered this option so I do not see where you are in the wrong here.”
“You let him know clearly what was going to happen and he did not tell his wife.”
“I’m surprised he even wanted her to join him for dinner with you if this was being kept secret.” ~ VisionsofFantasy
“NTA – She’s his wife, not yours.”
“As a result, he has the obligation to communicate with her, not you.”
“Sure, in an ideal world, had you known she didn’t know, you would have mentioned something.”
“But this wasn’t an ideal situation as you didn’t know.”
“Right now she’s angry at her husband for keeping this from her, and is lashing out at every one.”
“That’s not your fault, you can just be empathetic with her and understand her hurt feelings that she wasn’t consulted.” ~ SunnyRose57
“You’ve done nothing wrong, he should have run this with his wife and discussed it properly.”
“You’re not at fault for anything.”
“I’d be even more inclined to keep that paperwork saying they have no parental rights- he obviously is not very responsible.”
“And you don’t want this turning into a custody battle with his wife.”
“I’d contact a lawyer just in case she escalates things.”
“Hope it settles. NTA.” ~ Melmoth_Milton
“Your sperm donor is TA.”
“It was his responsibility more than yours to tell her about it.”
“Although, I do find it odd that you got this far in the process without mentioning it to her at all.” ~ 4682458
OP answered…
“I don’t really hang out socially with her and they live in another city so I don’t go out of my way to meet up with her.”
“Especially as we don’t have much in common.”
“She did congratulate me on social media on the pregnancy, but I didn’t know she wasn’t aware.” ~ RadiantAppearance57
“NTA. Get a lawyer right now.”
“The husband is the a**hole.” ~ mummamai
Well this is a messy situation.
But OP should take comfort knowing Reddit believes in her.
Looks like husband/daddy has some serious questions to ask and answer.
Good look on this situation and the birth OP.