Having a baby is a very complicated situation.
Yes there is a ton of love and happiness involved, there is also stress, chaos and serious life upheaval.
So the last thing a mother to be needs is a surprise near the due date.
Case in point...
Redditor RadiantAppearance57 wanted to discuss her story for some feedback. So naturally she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not telling my friends wife that he is my sperm donor?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'm a 30 year old asexual woman who is currently 33 weeks pregnant with twin girls that I conceived through I[n] V[itro] F[ertilization]."
"I have always wanted children but never really considered them on the cards for me due to my sexuality."
"But now I am in a position where I felt stable enough to bring a child into the world on my own so I decided to go through IVF."
"My best friend since high school (31 M[ale]) found out about my plan and how I was looking into finding a donor so it wouldn't be anonymous."
"And I could vet medical history etc... and offered to be the sperm donor, as at least I'd know his medical history and any risks there was attached."
"I agreed but made it very clear he wouldn't be a parental role in the child's life."
"At most he'd be an honorary 'Uncle' due to our friendship."
"He was happy to agree to this."
"And it never once occurred to me that he would offer this without running this by his wife (31 F[emle]) first."
"As some of you will likely be worried I used a H[uamn] F[ertilization] E[mbryology] A[uthority] Clinic."
"Which is a legally licensed clinic which means due to the paperwork signed when I underwent IVF he has no legal right or obligation towards the babies."
"Which was what both of us wanted going into this."
"The IVF was a success as my pregnant state proves."
"A little too successful perhaps as it's twins."
"I recently took my friend and his wife out to dinner to thank them for doing this for me and celebrate being in the third trimester."
"But his wife was confused when I explained the reason for the dinner and then got angry demanding to know why we kept this from her."
"I was just as shocked and asked my friend if he hadn't told his wife."
"He tried to explain to both of us he hadn't thought it'd matter as he has no rights to them at all."
"His wife got even angrier at that part stating she isn't comfortable with their son (6M) having siblings that aren't really his siblings."
"And she wants that part changed so that her husband has a legal say over the girls."
"I was in shock over this but said I wouldn't be doing that as I wanted to raise them alone."
"The three of us got into a huge argument and his wife demanded to know why I wouldn't tell her that her husband had offered this in the first place."
"I feel very guilty for not checking with his wife first."
"But it honestly never occurred to me that he wouldn't have done that first."
"So I thought if he was offering she had to have already given the ok."
"AITA in this? I don't know what to do..."
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It's a tricky situation.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"Oh my god, so NTA."
"The fact that he has a son with his wife makes it even more confusing to me why he wouldn't have run this by her or at least let her know he planned to do it."
"You did the right thing by thanking them as a unit, since married couples should be operating as a unit." ~mde111
"NTA. This is something your friend should have shared with his wife."
'Due to your long term friendship with him, it is reasonable to expect he and his wife would have periodic contact with your child."
"He even agreed to being an 'honorary uncle.'"
"Your friend not telling his wife has put you and her in incredibly awkward positions."
"I would make sure things are good from a legal standpoint."
"I would also at some point try to talk things out and see how to handle this for the future (assuming you and he will still be friends) especially as they already have a child and you have two coming." ~ cattripper
"NTA!! It wasn't your responsibility to run this by her!"
"Plus him not telling you he didn't tell her… how could you know??"
"I would have assumed as well!"
"Why wouldn't he at least give you a heads up pre-dinner to keep it quiet (not saying that would be okay either, but at least not ruin dinner)."
"You both singed off, so it's not up to her as she has no legal say in her husband's sperm, don't worry about that, but damn!" ~ anneofred
"I just don't understand not having them to dinner first to hash out how this would work."
"Sounds like he offered sperm and she just jumped with absolutely zero thought process."
"Like he wants to be in an uncle role, what would that involve?"
"If she moved away would he want to call or video chat the girls or just pictures sent once a year?"
"What kind of relationship are they going to have with their bio brother?"
"At which age is she going to tell them who their father is?"
"Maybe they want to tell their son right away, or never tell him."
"What if they told son when he was 18 and he was pissed and told the twins who would only be 12?"
"What if at some point as teens or whatever they decide they want to live with their bio dad? Etc. Etc.
"I can think of a million questions that should have been asked and talked about before she ever got knocked up.
"And ALL of them would require a conversation with the donor AND hid wife." ~ Corduroycat1
"Good points. All of these; many of which I didn't think of or consider."
"I still think OP is NTA."
"But you do bring up some excellent, 'moral gray areas' that OP should have thought of when her friend offered."
"And maybe even delved deeper into his motivations for why he'd father children that he'd have no legal say over what so ever."
"And how that would effect his relationship with them in the future."
"OP can trust him now to say he's fine being an honorary 'Uncle.'"
"But his feelings can change in in the future the more he essentially interacts with these children he did contribute half of his biological emission (is that the right word?) to." ~ allthingsconsidered5
OP responded...
"If I had known she wasn't in the know about this i"d have never agreed to using him."
"Because I assumed she knew I just invited them both out to dinner thinking it was the best way to thank them." ~ RadiantAppearance57
"NTA. I'm asexual too and I've considered this option so I do not see where you are in the wrong here."
"You let him know clearly what was going to happen and he did not tell his wife."
"I'm surprised he even wanted her to join him for dinner with you if this was being kept secret." ~ VisionsofFantasy
"NTA - She's his wife, not yours."
"As a result, he has the obligation to communicate with her, not you."
"Sure, in an ideal world, had you known she didn't know, you would have mentioned something."
"But this wasn't an ideal situation as you didn't know."
"Right now she's angry at her husband for keeping this from her, and is lashing out at every one."
"That's not your fault, you can just be empathetic with her and understand her hurt feelings that she wasn't consulted." ~ SunnyRose57
"You've done nothing wrong, he should have run this with his wife and discussed it properly."
"You're not at fault for anything."
"I'd be even more inclined to keep that paperwork saying they have no parental rights- he obviously is not very responsible."
"And you don't want this turning into a custody battle with his wife."
"I'd contact a lawyer just in case she escalates things."
"Hope it settles. NTA." ~ Melmoth_Milton
"Your sperm donor is TA."
"It was his responsibility more than yours to tell her about it."
"Although, I do find it odd that you got this far in the process without mentioning it to her at all." ~ 4682458
OP answered...
"I don't really hang out socially with her and they live in another city so I don't go out of my way to meet up with her."
"Especially as we don't have much in common."
"She did congratulate me on social media on the pregnancy, but I didn't know she wasn't aware." ~ RadiantAppearance57
"NTA. Get a lawyer right now."
"The husband is the a**hole." ~ mummamai
Well this is a messy situation.
But OP should take comfort knowing Reddit believes in her.
Looks like husband/daddy has some serious questions to ask and answer.
Good look on this situation and the birth OP.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.