Pregnancy, especially a first one can be a scary time for both parents.
But there’s a fine line between being reassuring and dismissive of your partner’s concerns. One father-to-be was accused over stepping over that line by his wife.
He disagreed, so he consulted the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to get some feedback.
Redditor Complex-Inside363 asked:
“AITA for telling my wife that she shouldn’t be worried about delivering a big baby because my mother did it three times with no problem?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“We had an ultrasound last week. Our son measured over 8 pounds even though my wife was only 36 weeks.”
“She was told that our baby could be a 10 pounder and was upset because her doctor advised her to mentally prep for a C-section if he ends up being that big. She is also worried about having to deliver him vaginally if a C-section isn’t required because he will be so large.”
“She has been upset about it for days and I told her that I thought she was worrying way too much since my mother gave birth to me and my two brothers with no issue and we all weighed over 9 pounds. She even did it naturally.”
“That apparently was the wrong thing to say and she had a breakdown.”
“I was told I was unsupportive for telling her that she shouldn’t be worried instead of acknowledging her concerns, which I don’t get.”
“Those scans from what I have read aren’t even that accurate, so it’s not worth getting upset over when they could be wrong and even if they aren’t there’s nothing that can be done about it. The baby is going to grow as much as it grows.”
“I still suggested that she speak to my mom about her experience because I knew that she’d assure her it wasn’t as bad as she was expecting. She said she didn’t want to speak to my mom, but I asked my mom to call her anyway when she was still sulking.”
“She also got upset over this.”
“I was only trying to help her and stop her from worrying, and the best way to do that, I thought, was by pointing out my mom’s experience with big babies. I just want to clarify that my mom is smaller than my wife so that is why I thought it would make her more comfortable.”
Redditors were asked to use acronyms to pass judgment on the OP and his wife:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While six Redditors said the OP was a jerk, but not that much of an a**hole earning him an NAH rating, everyone else—out of several thousand comments—went with YTA.
“YTA. Your mom and wife are presumably different women with different bodies.”
“Also, when in human history has telling someone who is worried not to worry actually helped them not worry?”
“Being supportive is saying, I hear you, it’s okay to be nervous, and I will be there with you and support you before, during and after.” ~ yachtiewannabe
“Telling someone ‘don’t worry’ is like telling someone ‘calm down’. It doesn’t help, it just makes you look like an unsympathetic a**hole.” ~ KittyScholar
Redditors pointed out that the OP’s version of his mother’s pregnancies may not be based in reality.
“I don’t know if anyone mentioned this, but you honestly have no idea what your mother’s pregnancy experience was like.”
“You’re making a lot of assumptions based on the fact that you and your brothers are alive. Your mother may have gone through Hell, hemorrhaged, had miscarriages you know nothing about, etc…”
“I strongly suspect your mom’s experience was not the sunshine and roses you’ve been allowed to believe it was.”
“YTA, but I think you already know that already.” ~ LakotaGrl
The OP returned and conceded:
“I really felt like I was pretty educated, but I don’t feel that way anymore.”
“It’s been really eye opening to hear stories like this. Just reading some of the experiences women had has given me a new appreciation for what my wife is going through.”
One of the rules of the AITA subReddit is accept your judgment.
It sounds like the OP is embracing his feedback and learning from it. That will be much more helpful than accusing his wife of sulking and assuming that just because all he knows of his mother’s pregnancy experience is her final outcome that his wife has nothing to worry about.