There is little more exciting than expecting your first child.
Even if preparing for their arrival comes with a lot of chores and responsibilities.
Including preparing a nursery, buying all the necessary baby clothes and supplies, And of course, there's naming the child.
A task known to cause extended and heated arguments between couples.
Redditor Electric-Oak3845 and their wife thought they had made a decision on the names of the twin girls they were expecting.
Until the original poster (OP), learned the origin of their names, which did not please them one bit.
Concerned they may have overreacted, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for rejecting names my wife wanted for our kids after finding out they're from a CARD GAME?"
The OP shared in a short post how learning where their wife came up with their upcoming daughter's names made him immediately change their mind.
"A few months ago I (25) and my wife Kaylie (22) discovered we were having twins."
"Obviously we've been over the moon about this and already prepared nurseries etc. for our beautiful girls, and talked a lot about names and such."
"Kaylie suggested the names Bella and Sara, and even though they're pretty common ones I do like them and it didn't fall into the matching categories, or at least I thought that."
"Today one of Kaylie's friends Brittany came over and of course asked about the girls and I told her about the names."
"Brittany burst out laughing and Kaylie looked kinda embarrassed so I asked what this was about."
"Brittany said that Kaylie definitely got those exact names from a horse unicorn card game they used to collect as teens called, you guessed it BellaSara."
"After Brittany left I was honestly left in shock and told my wife under no circumstances were we naming the girls that anymore because it's beyond cheesy and quite honestly ridiculous at this point."
"Kaylie deflected me and said no one even knows about the game and that it's fine but I refused and it turned into a huge fight."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP overreacted, and was indeed the a**hole in this situation.
Everyone agreed that the only thing that should matter to the OP is whether or not they like the names, which were not particularly unusual, and it was extremely unlikely that anyone would make the connection to the card game their wife got the names from.
"YTA."
"Bella and Sara are perfectly normal names, no one would even guess that they're from a card game."-Edbtdb.
"YTA."
"It's a random, very niche game that most people won't recognize."
"People name their kids after their favorite book characters or their favorite video game characters or all sorts of sh*t all the time."
"As long as it's not ridiculously obvious like naming your kid Pikachu or will result in bullying it doesn't really matter."-cadmium2093.
"They are the most normal, not cheesy, non bully fodder names for girls I could imagine."
"Why does it matter they came from some game that no one but your wife and her pal have ever heard of?"
"YTA."- descentbecomesafall.
"YTA."
"As you said the names are common enough and you DID like them, so who cares where she got them from."
"It's not like they are from GOT or Twilight."-ScorpioZA.
"YTA."
"In Italian, Bella means beautiful."
"I can think of several famous Bellas, including Bella Thorne and Bella Hadid."
"And Sara is so old it's literally Biblical."
"Those are normal names."
"Get over yourself."-Screamqueenjames.
"YTA."
"Your wife is right."
"No one has ever heard of that game."
"I named my daughter a name I heard on a TV show."
"I just liked the name, no one would guess the association."-caleern.
"Why do you care where she got the names from?"
"It's a pretty niche game, not like she's naming them after, I dunno, Billie Eilish and Dua Lipa."-karskipellis.
"In Italian, Bella Sera means 'beautiful evening'."
"I don't think the Unicorn game is the only place where those names exist."
"Btw, my niece's name is Sera."
"Serafina is a Sicilian name, she's named after a family member."
"Many Sicilian immigrants changed it to Sara or Sarah."-1EthicalSlut.
"Dude Robin Williams named his daughter Zelda."
"Get over yourself."
"YTA."-menides.
"YTA."
"You were fine with the names."
"Your reason for changing your mind is stupid, especially if it is an old game from when your wife was a child."
"I've never even heard of it."
"You could find a problem with every name if you want to."- Ducky818.
"Those are... incredibly common and non-problematic names."
"They're probably 'technically' from a lot of things, as are many names, because they're really common names."
"At least she didn't want to name one of them Vriska."
"YTA."-silence_infidel.
"YTA What if her friend hadn't laughed?"
"What if her friend had said 'AWWW! That's so cute!'"
"Would your reaction have been different?"
"Your wife likes them."
"You liked them."
"Think about how you're making your wife feel over this too."
"She was obviously really fond of the card game, and now I don't doubt she feels embarrassed over that too."
"They're cute names with a cute story behind them that your wife likes."- rebel_scum51915.
"YTA."
"Where do you think people find names they like in the first place?"
"Its usually because you heard or read it somewhere and thought 'That sounds nice'."
"And especially with all the different forms of media out there you're bound to find that names you like probably have some connection somewhere too."
"If you genuinely liked the names beforehand that shouldn't change."
"Especially since they are so common and aren't directly tied to that one game."
"It's not like naming your kids Daenerys and Cersei."
"Something that would be a lot more obvious."
"That being said, when it comes to naming parent should be both on the same page, and if you no longer love it you should look for something else."
"Or maybe compromise and keep one name or use it in the middle slot or whatever."
"But you might have to accept that you might pick out names and then later find out both names were used in a movie together or will get used in a movie together or whatever."
"You can't really control that aspect too much."-Midnight_Dreary_Mari.
"Dude one of my sisters named her kid Walker!"
"Seriously after Walker Texas Ranger."
"I've had to hold a straight face every time I say that child's name."
"Trust me it could be so much worse then Bella or Sara!"-Mean-Narwhal-1857.
"Yesterday I learned my cousin's kiddo Jack (7 or 8 years old?) is named after Captain Jack Sparrow."
"Never knew."
"Went years without thinking twice about it because Jack is such a common name."
"I don't even know what this card game is, and both names are so common."
"You're acting like she wants to name them after Pokemon and you're just now learning what a Charmander is lol."
"Don't discount names you both like just because she has a personal connection to a card game."-barbaramillicent.
"YTA."
"That's silly."- ClementineKruz86.
"I was fully ready for you to tell us she wanted to name her child 'Blue Eyes White Dragon' or something lmao."
"I'm gonna go with YTA cause those are completely normal names, but also acknowledge that you've got veto power too."
"But I will say, pick the hills you wanna die on with discernment."
"I've never heard of this game, I doubt most people have, and they are really normal names at the end of the day."
"Just refer to them in reverse order— 'Sara and Bella'."-queensbeforekings.
"YTA."
"They're perfectly fine names."
"And her friend is the a**hole as well for trying to shame her for choosing those names."
"There could be worse names."
"Bella and Sara are perfectly adorable names for twin girls."-Just_one_more_kiss.
"OK, well, bad news for the Wife."
"Now THOUSANDS of people know about it."
"That said: YTA."
"You were fine with the names before that."
"And if her and her friend played, it probably has some fond memories for her."
"They are names not likely to get them teased in the future."-RexMcRider.
"Sara and Bella are real names."
"From your title I expected your kids were named Kuriboh and Dark Magician."- Wondercatmeow.
"YTA it's not like they are Hoyel and Yugioh."
"Who cares where they came from."- Huegod.
"My kid Quinn, is named after a paranormal romance paperback I no longer remember."
"My husband wanted Claire as it was a video game character for a girl."
"I wanted Althea, for Blind Al, from Deadpool volume 1."
"I can't render judgement due to hypocrisy."-Throwaaway198686.
Here's hoping this was not a lasting argument, and this episode will all be water under the bridge eventually.
Regardless of what they decide to name their twin girls.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp