Content Warning: Cheating, Affair, STDs
Almost everyone assumes that their partner will not cheat on them, at least until they do.
While cheating is not a deal breaker in every relationship, it probably should be when it’s a recurring offense in what’s agreed to be a monogamous relationship, argued the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subreddit.
Redditor Virtual_Moment_4745 had been together with her partner for nearly a decade and had put up with multiple rounds of cheating, though recently, the couple had not been physically intimate with each other.
So when her husband tested positive for an STD, the Original Poster (OP) knew something was going on and only needed to look at their relationship history to guess what it was.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for being mad that my husband has an STD?”
The OP recently took her husband to the Emergency Room to get him checked out.
“My (32 Female) husband (32 Male) has been complaining about a bump on his nose for a few days. He went to the ER today, and eventually he was told he has chlamydia.”
“I knew he had been infected before we got together eight years ago and thought he’d had it treated. Apparently, if you don’t finish the course of antibiotics, then it can come back. He’s also cheated on me at least nine times; I always think that it’s in the past, and then something else comes along.”
“My fury comes from the fact that in eight years, I’ve never had it. I’ve been pregnant twice. And I know they test for STDs when you’re pregnant.”
“Up until last year, we had a very active sex life. I changed jobs and haven’t been home often. And even when I am home, I’m tired. My husband has also been working more.”
The OP had her theories about what happened.
“When I picked him up from the hospital and he told me he was infected, I was furious. How could he have had it all this time, and I’ve never gotten it?”
“The only way I can see him having it and I not is if he’s cheated. It wouldn’t be the first time.”
“He started crying in the car, saying he hadn’t cheated and he’s sorry that his past has caused these issues now.”
“I couldn’t care less if this was just something flared up again from a past incident. I wasn’t exactly a virgin when we met. I knew he had a sexual past. S**t happens.”
“My anger comes from the possibility that he cheated on me. I told him that. I told him the crying was just making me angrier.”
“He told me to pull over and let him out of the car, and now he’s walking home. We weren’t very far.”
“I’m just sitting in the car in front of our place typing this. I don’t even know what I want to do. Or should do. I’m just so sick of this s**t.”
“I can’t take care of our kids on my own. I feel so stupid. And stuck.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were certain that the husband was lying and that his story didn’t add up.
“Uhhhhh, chlamydia is wildly contagious. I know multiple people who have gotten it after their partners cheated, and they were not sleeping together for very long.”
“Multiple of them only had one sexual encounter with the person who gave it to them. Wildly contagious. I think he’s lying.” – Ok-Dare-2950
“My ex had chlamydia for months (she never got any symptoms), and I never contracted it. She got it from the guy she was dating before me (according to her). Stranger things can happen.”
“Anyway, later, I found out she was cheating on me. Still never got it, though. And I’ve done several tests after we broke up years ago.” – WonderfulCoast6429
“Chlamydia doesn’t just ‘flare up’ like Herpes. You may be a bit naïve, but you’re not the a**hole. He cheated.” – Lettuce-Meat
“Chlamydia can infect different sites of the body independently. Meaning someone tests negative on any urogenital/urine chlamydia tests (the typical one) but is infected in the oropharynx/throat. I have personally seen numerous patients have their throat samples come up positive while all others are negative. And oropharyngeal chlamydia is almost always asymptomatic.”
“If he’s not regularly performing oral sex on you (and even if he is, since oral-vaginal contact is somewhat lower risk than, for example, PIV sex or oral-penile contact), then he could very well have had chlamydia the entire time and not infected you.”
“This is why we recommend site-specific testing for chlamydia for all possible points of contact. This can include urogenital, rectal, and oropharyngeal testing.” – twistthespine
“He’s already got a history of cheating while in this relationship. I would hope that they both got tested for STDs after his extramarital affair further discrediting him.” – DifferentBumblebee34
Others assured the OP that she’d put up with this marriage long enough.
“Umm, he went to the hospital for a bump on his nose?! The ER? Odd.”
“But who has an STD and doesn’t complete their medication? And you’re to believe that in all this time, it’s magically lain dormant and that you are magically immune?”
“(By the way, I was told by a nurse that they don’t always run STD tests on married/long-term relationships as standard procedure. When I was pregnant, I was given the option. I’m not all that familiar with STDs, but I know that one is supposed to be highly contagious.)” – Usual_Bumblebee_8274
“Sounds like you’re compromising your quality of life significantly by the relationships you’re choosing to maintain. NTA, OP, to everyone but yourself.” – wwydinthismess
“That is not an STD that flares up like herpes. He actively cheated on you, and he did not use protection. The crying and the Big Show is because he knows he’s caught, and he decided to get out of the car so he has more time to come up with a story. I would love to hear what kind of bulls**t he’s going to try to tell you.” – gisch2011
“Good Lord. This man is a serial philanderer, and Opie is clearly the type of woman who just stays married to a man no matter what. If he’s already cheated nine times… nine times!”
“Jes*s Chr**t, nine times… Well then, this is just the normal state of the marriage. It would be practically changing the rules to expect actual monogamy at this point.”
“OP is NTA, but she’s not terribly smart, expecting a leopard to change its spots.” – gahidus
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a lengthy update in a second post.
“I’ve asked my husband for a divorce. He didn’t take it well, and ultimately, I had to call the police to get him to leave calmly. But myself and my boys are ok. My sister is staying with us now. And we have plans to move in together.”
“My husband spent the night going back and forth between crying/begging and asking why I wasn’t reacting. I didn’t scream or yell, I just went through my normal routine of picking up and dropping off the kids. The longer I didn’t get upset, the more desperate he got.”
“Yesterday, after we dropped off the kids, I went to get tested. He waited in the car. And I hadn’t been sitting in the waiting room for about five minutes before he came in and insisted he had to tell me something right that moment, and it couldn’t wait until I was done. I had to go outside right now so he could tell me something. I thought he was finally going to admit it.”
“It was really hard, and he was being really vulnerable with m,e but he had to tell me that he didn’t cheat. Apparently, four months ago while he was dropping off a DoorDash order, he was assaulted at gunpoint by two men. He was working in a city I told him not to take orders in because it’s not safe.”
“So he was really sorry he didn’t listen to me, and I was right. After this, he basically asked me how I felt about what he said. I told him if he was assaulted, he should probably file a police report. And after a lot of hemming and hawing and hesitation, he did.”
The OP didn’t believe what her husband was saying.
“I couldn’t believe he did it. He actually filed a fake police report.”
“When he was done putting on his crying act with the officer and was escorted out, the officer asked me what I thought.”
“I think he could tell by my face what I thought of the story. I told the officer the truth, that it was 100% fake. I told him about everything that’s happened since Monday.”
“He wouldn’t give me a straight answer when I asked him if he thought it was true. And we left.”
“My husband, the perpetual victim, was probably expecting me to baby him and pay him on the back for having the courage to come forward. I made it clear I didn’t believe him.”
The OP wanted her husband out of her life.
“When he got home, he came into our room and started taking all of his clothes out of our closet and put them on our bed. He asked me again if I wanted him to leave.”
“I told him he could do whatever he wanted to do. If he wanted to leave, I wasn’t going to stop him. He said his cousin was going to come and get him. And he was leaving.”
“He walked away and left the clothes there. Eventually, he tried to have another talk about how sorry he was, not for cheating because he didn’t cheat, but for not telling me about the assault sooner.”
“I asked him if he was sorry for the cheating before, the lying, I laid out everything he’d put me through since the very first lie and asked him if he was sorry. It was like pulling teeth to get him to say he was.”
“Then I told him I wanted a divorce. The way this man cried and sobbed. I just walked away. He went into the kitchen and started throwing a tantrum. I backed out of the room and started calling 9-1-1.”
The OP called the police to remove him from the home safely.
“He started trying to get me to stop. I screamed at him to leave the room I was in. And while I was explaining what was happening to the operator, he was in the kitchen, saying I was wrong and that I was lying.”
“I shut myself in my son’s room and waited for the police to come. I heard him leave. At first, he took the car and left. Then he came back, and his cousin showed up. They stood outside and waited.”
“When the police showed up, they talked to him and his cousin first. When they came and spoke to me inside the house, they claimed he said he was just cooking, and I was confused.”
“He had taken out some food from the fridge before he left and put it on the counter where he had been standing.”
“I told the officer what really happened. And he asked me what I wanted. I said I wanted them to take his keys and make him leave. They asked if he lived here. I told them he said he was leaving. But his name is on our lease.”
“They went and spoke to him. And then asked if he could come in and take the rest of his stuff. I said it was okay. I went and stood out of the way and said nothing.”
“He and his cousin came in and started getting his clothes and things. The officer stood nearby. My piece of sh*t ex was laughing and chatting with his cousin like everything was okay.”
“He was trying to act like I was the crazy one. But it just came off as weird given the situation. And then he eventually left.”
Then the OP called for reinforcements.
“I called my sister and asked her to come stay the night because I was afraid he’d come back. I started telling her everything. I broke down. I finally opened my eyes.”
“She said she’d help me. She and I could get a place together. But she keeps asking me if I’m sure I don’t want to make it work. But I don’t think she’s trying to get me to stay. She’s trying to make sure I’m 100% about getting divorced. And I am.”
“My main problem is that he called me today and threatened to take our car. We have two. One is in the shop. And we’ve been sharing the other. The one in the shop is my car. Only my name on the title. The other both our names are on it.”
“He threatened to take the working car and refused to take his name off the lease. He didn’t like that I had already my sister lined up as a roommate.”
“He threatened me by saying, ‘two weeks.’ I asked him what he mean,t but he just said we can talk about divvying up the furniture and who will take what car and who will pay what bill then. But I could tell what he really meant was, ‘You have two weeks to come back to me, or I’ll start really getting nasty.'”
“I’m terrified of doing this alone. But I refuse to give in and go back.”
“My grandfather has been offering me a house he owns for years. No rent. The only problem is he lives several states away. I wasn’t willing to leave the state. But I’ll do that before I let him try to control me with the lease.”
Fellow Redditors encouraged the OP to take her uncle up on his offer, at least to get started.
“Take the free house several states away. It may be your only real option here. Otherwise, your soon-to-be-ex will continue to harass you if he can find you.”
“Talk with a divorce lawyer, though. You don’t want to get charged with kidnapping.” – Sharp_Magician_5528
“Secretly move to grandfather’s home. Get the kids enrolled in school and set up residency in the new state.”
“Talk to a lawyer about how best to do this, so he can’t file for emergency custody. Get a copy of the fake police report.”
“Send all recordings and screenshots to a new email address; this is your backup file!”
“Call a lawyer in the morning and reach out to a DV shelter to ask for aid and help to escape to the new state.” – SnooWords4829
“Find out if you live in a state with one-party consent recording. Then, if you do, record every conversation with him both in person and on the phone. Save all the texts, put cameras in your home with video and audio. Call your landlord and inform them of what’s going on. Call the shop your car is in and ask them if they can help you with the cost and time.”
“Also, lock down your credit card. Take him off accounts where you are primary, take yourself off accounts where he is primary. Freeze your credit so he can’t get new cards under your name. And ask whoever is working on your car to check it for trackers. Change all your passwords. Now.”
“It’s time for your next chapter. Good luck.” – KittyPuperMamaPerson
The subReddit was alarmed by all that the OP had already been through with her partner and all that could still happen in the future if she did not hurry and distance herself and her children from him.
This clearly was not a suitable partner or father figure, and it was obvious to everyone reading that it was way past time for the OP and her children to start writing their own, safe, and happy story.