Redditor blueberries281 is a woman married to an attractive husband who plays in a tennis league.
At the risk of sounding insecure, she said she felt bothered after hearing about a fellow tennis player who could potentially jeopardize her marriage.
So she came up with a game plan in an attempt to circumvent any foul play.
After causing drama for the other players, she visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit
"AITA for ruining things for the group my husband regularly plays tennis with?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"For as long as I've known my husband, he's been playing tennis with the same group of people frequently. I played once when we first dated but tennis wasn't really my thing so I never joined in."
"Now I realise this is going to sound incredibly insecure but I decided to go along because his friend was telling me about how one of the girls is constantly trying to be paired up with my husband and he jokingly said she was going to steal him from me."
"My husband did tell him to shut up and said he was exaggerating. My husband is conventionally attractive so he gets a lot of attention which has never made me feel insecure before but after this conversation it kept bothering me so I ended up asking my husband if I could play tennis with them."
"Up until I joined, they had an even number of people and they used to play doubles a lot. Now my husband spends most of his time either watching me play or trying to help me get better so their usual routine has been ruined."
"It usually means the girl who used to pair up with him constantly is left alone."
"She and two others have been making remarks implying how I've ruined things for them and how I should go to lessons instead. It's obvious they don't want me there but won't say it outright."
"AITA?"
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole here.
"NTA! this is nothing wrong with you wanting to play tennis with your own husband. why doesn't this girl bring along another friend to play with?" - MsSeraphim
"NTA since you commented that your husband is happy you are there, and has wanted to teach you for ages. Honestly it's not really your concern whether some random girl is inconvenienced by not having your husbands time and attention to herself."
"She can always find another partner. Yours is for life and it's good to have shared interests." – JWJulie
"1000%. Bottom line, your husband is happy and everyone else's feelings on this DO NOT MATTER. Here's why, your intentions for going in the first place are the consequences to someone else's bad behavior, including the teasing part."
"They are culpable. YOU are protecting your marriage and gracefully, at that. It is not messed up at all. Something good is coming of it as well, more bonding with your spouse. They can eat $hit." – Maleficent_Can1946
"Nta… idk why people are calling you insecure for not appreciating the idea of another woman flirting with your husband! You weren't rude or manipulative nor did you cause a scene and confront anyone. If you did any of those things yes you would suck but it sounds to me like you did exactly what you SHOULD have done and you were classy while doing it."
"Also it's a nice thing for you and your husband to do together yes you didn't want to before but I'm sure he enjoys having you there and it sounds like you at least enjoy the time with him learning! NTA!" – Realistic-Mammoth-77
"NTA - If your husband is happy to have you there and is glad for the opportunity to teach you something he loves, then it doesn't matter what your reasons for joining are. He wants you there."
"Those 3 women are extremely rude to complain about your presence. I would never make the spouse of a friend of mine feel unwanted or out of place. They are out of line." – Impossible-Leek-2830
"NTA this is something he loves and is excited to share with the person he loves, which is you!"
"Those women sound super jealous and competitive…when it's just a game! Go have fun playing and bonding together with your husband because you joining and sharing this with him probably makes his day. Who cares about the reason why you started - you get the chance to spend more time with your favorite person win/win!" – chlocatt
"You are definitely NTA. Your husband is happy with you being there and your doing something that he's wanted to teach you/have you join in with for a while it seems."
"The other 3 can go suck sour grapes and go find someone else to play with or ogle at." – HunterDangerous1366
"If you and hubby are enjoying your time together and sharing a interest, I don't really see a problem."
"If you are having zero fun, and can't see yourself genuinely sharing that interest, and are there solely because of the other girl, not good."
"As for the friend group, if you guys are keeping everyone from spending their free time properly and they are awkwardly on the side while your learning, I think it'd be nice to be considerate of their time and maybe choose another day for practice till your better at it?" – MagPieMadEye
"Good for you, and good for your husband for making it about you. Well done all the way around. NTA."
"My wife is not in the least bit insecure either, but while we were dating, when an admin from work was prowling around me, my wife inserted herself into our work's social activities after meeting her. She just had a feeling. I said, 'She isn't interested in me, and I'm not interested in her.' She said she trusted me, but not her. OK I guess."
"Soon after that same admin started working on another up and coming exec type after being blocked by my soon-to-be wife. Wrecked his current relationship and got him. I was stunned."
"Turns out she was interested in someone with career prospects (if not me personally) and didn't care who was in her way. I had been a meal ticket target but never knew it. Later I realized that was not too uncommon at the head office. Peyton place on steroids. I had no clue. My wife did though. She called it, just like you did."
"There is a fine line between jealousy and just knowing 'something is off' with a situation. As long as you trust your partner, you can also generally trust your sixth sense." – EntrepreneurAmazing3
"NTA. If you heard your husband mention playing with another lady and immediately rushed out there it would be different. But if your husband's friend is 'jokingly' warning you about this other girl, I don't blame you for going. Now you and your husband are enjoying playing so it sounds great! I like tennis and would love it if my husband wanted to play with me!"
"The other lady's response is what really cements it for me. Sure it'd be disappointing that she doesn't have a regular partner anymore, but it's immature to gripe that he's playing with his wife. Unless you are truly awful or everyone else played in college etc. and are playing at a high level, I don't think anyone should be complaining."
"It's a game that adults are playing in their free time. Time to relax. And time for the other lady to recruit a new partner." – runtsky
"NTA You're not stopping him from playing tennis with his friends, you're simply asserting yourself that he is not single. Those women are mad because they have designs on your man and you're ruining their little game. As long as you don't forbid him from playing you can play too."
"Maybe not every game as you don't want to overwhelm him, but you have a right to remind those women that he is not single and that they can't 'steal him' from you. As long as you're friendly and not controlling your husband I see nothing wrong with it. Your husband hasn't said anything bad about it so I doubt he minds." – LiveLovelyLala
"NTA! this is nothing wrong with you wanting to play tennis with your own husban. why doesn't this girl bring along another friend to play with?" – MsSeraphim
"NTA since you commented that your husband is happy you are there, and has wanted to teach you for ages. Honestly it's not really your concern whether some random girl is inconvenienced by not having your husbands time and attention to herself."
"She can always find another partner. Yours is for life and it's good to have shared interests." – JWJulie
Overall, Redditors agreed that since the husband has expressed he's happy his wife was there, it indicated he had no interest in the other woman who was smitten with him.
Redditors also didn't blame the OP for joining the team.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.