When it comes to weddings, everyone goes about the planning differently.
And of course, how a person approaches their guest list will vary, as well.
Some people are more accepting of how these guest lists turn out, according to the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Ok_Peanut663, for example, did not react to her sister-in-law’s decisions well at all.
But after receiving backlash from her entire family, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she should have handled the situation differently.
She asked the sub:
“AITA? My SIL (sister-in-law) did not invite my adult, disabled son to her wedding, my husband attended without us, and I left him.”
The OP co-parented her son from her first marriage with her husband.
“My husband and I have been together for almost 15 years.”
“My son is 20 years old and he’s from my first marriage; he was born disabled.”
“He lives with us, and though he can walk and talk fairly well, he needs daily assistance because he can’t read or write or remember to take his own medication. He doesn’t appear disabled at first glance but he does require help to eat or use the bathroom.”
“[For clarification,] my son does not ‘act out’ or scream or run if he’s upset. Not like his actual upset reaction is any better, he just stops interacting. It hurts my heart for him because I can’t help him.”
The OP was surprised when they all weren’t invited to a family wedding.
“My husband and I were recently invited to my SIL’s wedding. But my son was not on the invitation.”
“I asked my SIL if she had forgotten him, but she said that no children are allowed.”
“I pointed out that he is an adult.”
“She suggested we get childcare for him because he is ‘like a child’.”
“It isn’t just that ‘childcare’ is expensive, or even care for adults, but both are hard to find and expensive. And insulting.”
“And it isn’t like he’s a stranger to her, we spend all the holidays with his family because my family is out of state. She’s always been so sweet and kind and gentle with him.”
But not everyone agreed with the OP’s line of thinking.
“And no one else in the family stood up for my son or for me, including my husband.”
“We fought about it all the way up to the actual day. He attended without us so I packed up a week’s worth of clothes and necessities and moved back in with my parents.”
“And even though my parents are letting us stay, they’re absolutely livid that I’m acting this way.”
“My Dad said I’m too old to be acting this way: running away from my problems. (My SON is not a problem, he is a PERSON!)”
“My Mom said I was putting a strain on them by being there with my son.”
“Life is different when you have a family member with special needs. And I know it’s not easy on my family but how do they think I feel!?! How do they think HE feels?!”
“AITA for expecting my family to help me right now!?”
“Am I even an a**hole for expecting my son to be invited to the wedding?”
“I feel like he would have been invited if he wasn’t disabled.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said no is entitled to a wedding invitation.
“If your son weren’t disabled, just a 20 years old still living at home, it would be acceptable (common even) for him not to be invited.”
“It was ok that you didn’t want to go. But when you tried to force your SO (significant other) not attend his sister’s wedding, that crossed the A line. YTA.” – JuneTotenberg
“Yeah I think OP doesn’t realize why the no kids allowed rule, what it really is is a no-one who may be loud, act out, act weird or take attention away from the bride and groom.”
“Personally I don’t agree with that reasoning but it really is more of a blanket rule, that doesn’t target her son in particular. As they say the SIL has always been nothing but nice to the young man and taken many holidays with him, so she likely knows how he usually behaves, what level of care he needs and doesn’t have a personal issue with him.” – Buffy_Geek
“YTA. Not everyone in a family gets invited to a wedding. It is common to not invite the children of a couple, especially if they are adults. This was a ridiculous blow up for a made up reason.”
“For your parents’ sake, I hope your husband is willing to take you back, but I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t.” – Corpuscular_Ocelot
Others criticized how the OP handled the situation.
“So your sister in-law, for whatever reason, doesn’t want to deal with your son at her own wedding and you’re mad because your husband isn’t admonishing her enough for it. And you’re leaving him over that?”
“How did you even stick together for 15 weeks let alone 15 years?” – SamJSchoenberg
“YTA. It doesn’t sound like SIL was doing anything malicious here. She is kind and generous to your son. She didn’t want her ceremony interrupted by your sons needs so she chose not to invite him.”
“Your husband is under no obligation to miss his sister’s wedding because you feel offended and didn’t attend.”
“Your parents have made it clear to you that they will not house you which also doesn’t make them the AHs. They aren’t obligated to house you, financially support you etc. They are calling you out on what is likely years of these behaviors.”
“You started drama where there didn’t need to be any. You seem to want your husband to play ‘white knight’ and give people ultimatums about their wedding guest lists.” – sheramom4
“Nobody owes you a wedding invitation. The options were:”
“a) getting a respite carer;”
“b) sending your husband to attend and enjoy his sister’s wedding with his family; or”
“c) having a giant meltdown and moving out.”
“Option C wasn’t the one, OP.” – Here_for_tea_
While a person has every right to be upset that they didn’t receive an invitation to someone’s wedding, they still have to respect the fact that it isn’t their wedding to plan.
The subReddit agreed how the OP handled the situation was surely not the best, and they seemed to equally hope she hadn’t burned too many bridges in the matter.