Some humans are just not good with feelings.
Not everybody wants to discuss and process hurt and anger and so on.
But that can be an issue when people enter into relationships.
A significant other is meant to be a person to share it all with.
So that’s why it can feel like a breach of trust when one partner hides that part of themselves.
Case in point…
Redditor Ok_Honeydew2966 to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for not telling my wife that my sister died?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My (35 M[ale]) sister died 3 weeks ago.”
“My wife had only met her once since she lived quite far away and every time I went to see her my wife didn’t come.”
“My dad told me that she’d died and told me when her funeral was.”
“I traveled down for the funeral and I told my wife I was going to see my sister, which wasn’t really a lie.”
“A few days after I got back home my brother called my wife and told her to check up on me since I hadn’t been answering his calls and texts.”
“I guess she asked why he was so worried and my brother told her about my sister dying.”
“My wife got really upset at me for not telling her and she said that I can’t trust her and that I should ‘talk to her instead of bottling up my feelings.'”
“I explained that I didn’t tell her because I knew she’d worry and expect me to talk about how I feel.”
“It’s very sweet of her to worry about me but she doesn’t need to.”
“It’s like she doesn’t understand that I don’t talk about how I feel unlike her.”
“She’s barely spoken to me since, she said that she feels betrayed.
“I didn’t mean to upset her so much I just didn’t want to deal with her constant worrying.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the a**hole.
“Soft YTA because you lost a sister.”
“But how you could not tell your wife something as important as ‘my sister died.'”
“You got the news, made travel plans, traveled, went to a funeral, came home, and at no time told your spouse that a member of your immediate family passed away.”
“Whether you were close to your sister or not, that’s a major thing to deal with without sharing any of it with your spouse.”
“When you said you were ‘going to see your sister’ and chose not to include that it was for her funeral you lied by omission.”
“And if I were your wife I’d wonder how many other major things you’ve chosen not to tell me.”
“I can’t imagine being so emotionally constipated that I don’t even tell the person I’m supposed to love and trust as much as I would a spouse something like this.” ~ wanderingstorm
“That’s bulls**t and whoever is saying that would’ve thrown a major fit had their S[ignificant] O[ther] pulled this stunt on them.”
“Like, OP is telling us that he intentionally and deliberately left this detail out when he mentioned he was going to see his sister?”
“Umm… he has some issues he got to deal with if he thinks that’s okay and requires validation for it too.”
“Because it’s not.”
“It doesn’t matter if the wife had met her lots or just once, the late sister was an immediate family of OP.”
“She deserved to know.” ~ Sweetsourandwhatnot
“I can imagine how betrayed the wife feels.”
“It’s just such completely disrespectful behavior towards her.”
“But I have a feeling it’s not the first time.”
“Since OP is so out of touch with his own feelings, he likely doesn’t have much ability for empathy towards others.”
“Which makes me wonder about all the other ways he’s been inconsiderate of his wife which either she hasn’t specifically brought to his attention OR he’s devalued her reaction to (much like here).”
“I think a big tip-off is that she immediately got angry and isn’t talking to him.”
“Now, imagine a scenario like this between two people who have a solid and healthy relationship:”
“Would anger and shutting the other out likely be their partner’s reaction?”
“Or would it be bewilderment and concern, and taking steps to help?”
“It definitely feels like OP’s wife already had the memo on this one.”
“OP, I would suggest some couples therapy and individual therapy if you want to improve the situation.”
“If not, I would expect your wife to continue to grow distant until she eventually leaves you.” ~ South-Intention-5338
“This… WTF? Your wife IS your personal life.”
“Newsflash, it’s perfectly normal, expected even, for a wife to worry about her spouse.”
“Communicate with her that you don’t want to talk about it, but it’s not at all surprising for her to feel you don’t trust her or that you are hiding things from her.”
“I mean, this was active deception. It’s kinda f**ked up. YTA.” ~ OTTB_Mama
“You say she’s now not speaking to you.”
“So how does it feel??”
“Are you wondering what’s going on in her mind?”
“Wondering how she’s feeling about you and about being lied to?”
“It’s not a nice feeling having to always guess what your spouse is thinking or feeling and then to find out that he kept something so big from you because he didn’t want to actually talk to you about it!”
“That definitely makes YTA!!” ~ Downtown-blueberry7
“This is exactly how I feel about someone I really cared for.”
“They kept important info from me and then invalidated my feelings about it to such a degree that I could not f**king believe that they did that.”
“And it made me wonder who the f**k this person is, and their response when confronted was to double down on most of their behavior as well as continue to dismiss emotions and normal human reactions as something that is a bother.”
“I can no longer trust that they are being honest with me and I now see just how emotionally stunted they actually are.”
“The only reason I didn’t completely walk away from them is because we have a lot of overlap in social circles and we have to figure out how to live with that.”
“In the meantime, I’m just going very, very low contact.” ~ winter_laurel
“I am sorry for your loss.”
“Still YTA for lying by omission to your wife and showing her you do not trust her.”
“Do you even like your wife?”
“Asking because you are not willing to talk to her about your feelings and find her annoying for her trying to communicate.” ~ Commercial-Loan-929
“Hey OP, just some friendly advice that will help you:”
“Me and my wife are similar.”
“I don’t enjoy talking about things unless talking could give me a resolution.”
“Talking about things like this with no possible resolution really doesn’t help me.”
“My wife is the opposite. Talking is how she gets through stressful situations, it helps her blow off some steam and get into a better headspace.”
“I had to sit her down and honestly tell her this in plain terms – that talking through the details of things doesn’t help me unless I’m trying to brainstorm a solution.”
“I told her that and also that if I ever had big feelings I would share them with her, but I probably won’t talk about it too much.”
“My mom died of cancer a few years ago, and I was pretty sad about it.”
“But talking won’t bring her back.”
“So on days where I was sad, I’d just say ‘I’m a little sad about my mom today just a heads up’ and she’d say ‘Okay thanks for letting me know, let me know if I can do anything’ and that was really the end of the convo.”
“I keep her in the loop about my feelings, but she has the understanding that one sentence is already probably more than I want to say about it so she acknowledges and moves along.”
“I’m still there for her to be her sounding board, and I told her I do enjoy talking through her feelings because I know it helps her and it makes me feel good.”
“It just doesn’t give me the same ‘feel good’ feeling to talk through things because it doesn’t help me.”
“We had that initial conversation years before my mom passed, and it has really helped us both communicate with each other.”
“Just make sure you’re clear that while chatting about this stuff doesn’t necessarily help you, you still enjoy being the ear for her to vent into to help her feel better.”
“This is a pretty big thing and you definitely should have been open with her.”
“You also deserve to grieve in whatever way helps you as long as it isn’t harmful.”
“So having a conversation with her about what helps (or doesn’t help) you and then keeping her in the loop will keep you both happy and on the same page.”
“I’m sorry for your loss.” ~ theMIKIMIKIMIKImomo
“In addition to all of that (which is spot on), OP, you set your wife up to look terribly unsupportive and rude in the eyes of her in-laws.”
“She was denied the opportunity to send cards or flowers or make phone calls to the other bereaved family members to express her condolences.”
“Your choice almost certainly has people in your family talking amongst themselves about how unkind and dismissive she is.”
“Relationships with in-laws can be challenging and you’ve made the road between her and your family more difficult. YTA.”
“I am very sorry for the loss of your sister, OP.” ~ j3nnplam
“YTA. Regardless of whether or not you want to talk about your feelings, you told your wife a giant lie for no reason.” ~ rmric0
Well, OP, Reddit has some concerns.
You’re entitled to your feelings and how you process them.
But shutting out your life partner raises a lot of red flags.
It may be time to do some soul-searching.
Therapy is a great help with that.
Good luck.