Some humans are just not good with feelings.
Not everybody wants to discuss and process hurt and anger and so on.
But that can be an issue when people enter into relationships.
A significant other is meant to be a person to share it all with.
So that's why it can feel like a breach of trust when one partner hides that part of themselves.
Case in point...
Redditor Ok_Honeydew2966 to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for not telling my wife that my sister died?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (35 M[ale]) sister died 3 weeks ago."
"My wife had only met her once since she lived quite far away and every time I went to see her my wife didn't come."
"My dad told me that she'd died and told me when her funeral was."
"I traveled down for the funeral and I told my wife I was going to see my sister, which wasn't really a lie."
"A few days after I got back home my brother called my wife and told her to check up on me since I hadn't been answering his calls and texts."
"I guess she asked why he was so worried and my brother told her about my sister dying."
"My wife got really upset at me for not telling her and she said that I can't trust her and that I should 'talk to her instead of bottling up my feelings.'"
"I explained that I didn't tell her because I knew she'd worry and expect me to talk about how I feel."
"It's very sweet of her to worry about me but she doesn't need to."
"It's like she doesn't understand that I don't talk about how I feel unlike her."
"She's barely spoken to me since, she said that she feels betrayed.
"I didn't mean to upset her so much I just didn't want to deal with her constant worrying."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the a**hole.
"Soft YTA because you lost a sister."
"But how you could not tell your wife something as important as 'my sister died.'"
"You got the news, made travel plans, traveled, went to a funeral, came home, and at no time told your spouse that a member of your immediate family passed away."
"Whether you were close to your sister or not, that's a major thing to deal with without sharing any of it with your spouse."
"When you said you were 'going to see your sister' and chose not to include that it was for her funeral you lied by omission."
"And if I were your wife I'd wonder how many other major things you've chosen not to tell me."
"I can't imagine being so emotionally constipated that I don't even tell the person I'm supposed to love and trust as much as I would a spouse something like this." ~ wanderingstorm
"That's bulls**t and whoever is saying that would've thrown a major fit had their S[ignificant] O[ther] pulled this stunt on them."
"Like, OP is telling us that he intentionally and deliberately left this detail out when he mentioned he was going to see his sister?"
"Umm... he has some issues he got to deal with if he thinks that's okay and requires validation for it too."
"Because it's not."
"It doesn't matter if the wife had met her lots or just once, the late sister was an immediate family of OP."
"She deserved to know." ~ Sweetsourandwhatnot
"I can imagine how betrayed the wife feels."
"It's just such completely disrespectful behavior towards her."
"But I have a feeling it's not the first time."
"Since OP is so out of touch with his own feelings, he likely doesn't have much ability for empathy towards others."
"Which makes me wonder about all the other ways he's been inconsiderate of his wife which either she hasn't specifically brought to his attention OR he's devalued her reaction to (much like here)."
"I think a big tip-off is that she immediately got angry and isn't talking to him."
"Now, imagine a scenario like this between two people who have a solid and healthy relationship:"
"Would anger and shutting the other out likely be their partner's reaction?"
"Or would it be bewilderment and concern, and taking steps to help?"
"It definitely feels like OP's wife already had the memo on this one."
"OP, I would suggest some couples therapy and individual therapy if you want to improve the situation."
"If not, I would expect your wife to continue to grow distant until she eventually leaves you." ~ South-Intention-5338
"This... WTF? Your wife IS your personal life."
"Newsflash, it's perfectly normal, expected even, for a wife to worry about her spouse."
"Communicate with her that you don't want to talk about it, but it's not at all surprising for her to feel you don't trust her or that you are hiding things from her."
"I mean, this was active deception. It's kinda f**ked up. YTA." ~ OTTB_Mama
"You say she's now not speaking to you."
"So how does it feel??"
"Are you wondering what's going on in her mind?"
"Wondering how she's feeling about you and about being lied to?"
"It's not a nice feeling having to always guess what your spouse is thinking or feeling and then to find out that he kept something so big from you because he didn't want to actually talk to you about it!"
"That definitely makes YTA!!" ~ Downtown-blueberry7
"This is exactly how I feel about someone I really cared for."
"They kept important info from me and then invalidated my feelings about it to such a degree that I could not f**king believe that they did that."
"And it made me wonder who the f**k this person is, and their response when confronted was to double down on most of their behavior as well as continue to dismiss emotions and normal human reactions as something that is a bother."
"I can no longer trust that they are being honest with me and I now see just how emotionally stunted they actually are."
"The only reason I didn't completely walk away from them is because we have a lot of overlap in social circles and we have to figure out how to live with that."
"In the meantime, I'm just going very, very low contact." ~ winter_laurel
"I am sorry for your loss."
"Still YTA for lying by omission to your wife and showing her you do not trust her."
"Do you even like your wife?"
"Asking because you are not willing to talk to her about your feelings and find her annoying for her trying to communicate." ~ Commercial-Loan-929
"Hey OP, just some friendly advice that will help you:"
"Me and my wife are similar."
"I don't enjoy talking about things unless talking could give me a resolution."
"Talking about things like this with no possible resolution really doesn't help me."
"My wife is the opposite. Talking is how she gets through stressful situations, it helps her blow off some steam and get into a better headspace."
"I had to sit her down and honestly tell her this in plain terms - that talking through the details of things doesn't help me unless I'm trying to brainstorm a solution."
"I told her that and also that if I ever had big feelings I would share them with her, but I probably won't talk about it too much."
"My mom died of cancer a few years ago, and I was pretty sad about it."
"But talking won't bring her back."
"So on days where I was sad, I'd just say 'I'm a little sad about my mom today just a heads up' and she'd say 'Okay thanks for letting me know, let me know if I can do anything' and that was really the end of the convo."
"I keep her in the loop about my feelings, but she has the understanding that one sentence is already probably more than I want to say about it so she acknowledges and moves along."
"I'm still there for her to be her sounding board, and I told her I do enjoy talking through her feelings because I know it helps her and it makes me feel good."
"It just doesn't give me the same 'feel good' feeling to talk through things because it doesn't help me."
"We had that initial conversation years before my mom passed, and it has really helped us both communicate with each other."
"Just make sure you're clear that while chatting about this stuff doesn't necessarily help you, you still enjoy being the ear for her to vent into to help her feel better."
"This is a pretty big thing and you definitely should have been open with her."
"You also deserve to grieve in whatever way helps you as long as it isn't harmful."
"So having a conversation with her about what helps (or doesn't help) you and then keeping her in the loop will keep you both happy and on the same page."
"I'm sorry for your loss." ~ theMIKIMIKIMIKImomo
"In addition to all of that (which is spot on), OP, you set your wife up to look terribly unsupportive and rude in the eyes of her in-laws."
"She was denied the opportunity to send cards or flowers or make phone calls to the other bereaved family members to express her condolences."
"Your choice almost certainly has people in your family talking amongst themselves about how unkind and dismissive she is."
"Relationships with in-laws can be challenging and you've made the road between her and your family more difficult. YTA."
"I am very sorry for the loss of your sister, OP." ~ j3nnplam
"YTA. Regardless of whether or not you want to talk about your feelings, you told your wife a giant lie for no reason." ~ rmric0
Well, OP, Reddit has some concerns.
You're entitled to your feelings and how you process them.
But shutting out your life partner raises a lot of red flags.
It may be time to do some soul-searching.
Therapy is a great help with that.
Good luck.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.