Grief can often be too much to handle.
That’s why a support system is so imperative.
Because grief and solitude are never a good combination.
Navigating grief is messy for everyone involved.
Redditor Acrobatic_Main2106 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for blowing up on my husband’s friend after her wife died?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My (36 F[emale]) husband Ian (44 M[ale]) is close friends with a woman named Jenna.”
“They’ve been friends for a long time, before Ian and I got together, so I know her fairly well too but we really have nothing in common and we’re not exactly friends.”
“Jenna’s wife Laura very sadly and somewhat suddenly passed in early March (she was terminally ill but responding to treatment very well and was expected to survive another 2-5 years).”
“She’s been leaning on Ian heavily for support which I understand but she’s been at our house every single day since and even sleeping in our guest room most nights because she doesn’t want to be home alone.”
“This would be okay except she is getting more and more passive-aggressive towards me and weirdly territorial of Ian.”
“I’ve reminded myself that I don’t think I could stand to see a happy couple for months if I lost Ian and to be patient, it’s not personal.”
“My birthday was on Sunday.”
“I got home Saturday after a morning out and Jenna was there.”
“I was making small talk when I asked Ian what time he made dinner reservations for the next day.”
“Jenna inserted herself right here and asked Ian if he was going to be out the next day, and he said yes.”
“She started panicking and saying that he couldn’t, and she wasn’t ready to spend an evening alone.”
“I was going to tell her that she could still hang out here while we went, and she looked at me and said, ‘Don’t you have any f**king friends you can go with?'”
“And I just blew up…. ‘Don’t you have any other f**king friends you can go bother?’ and so on.”
“She called me selfish for ‘monopolizing my husband,’ and I had enough and told her to get the f**k out of my house and not to come back, ever.”
“Ian had been trying to calm things down between us but it spiraled out of control fast and he ended up escorting Jenna out and telling her that he’d come to visit her in a few days but he would be backing my decision because of how she spoke to me.”
“I was happy for his support and still am but it’s been a few days and I just feel bad all around about it.”
“I should’ve been more understanding of her, but I also feel like she should treat me more respectfully, and I’m not really sure if I overreacted.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. She was soooo far out of line especially in your own home.”
“I also sit down with your husband and talk about it.”
“To me personally it really seems like she likes your husband more than just a good friend.”
“I understand she had a wife but maybe she’s bi and hasn’t been open with it?” ~ sailingseas25
“She may not want your husband as a sexual partner, but she may feel her grief entitles her to claim him as an emotional partner.”
“Just because she doesn’t want to replace you in his bed doesn’t mean she doesn’t resent you for taking up space in his life.”
“She didn’t resent you before because she had a wife, but now her wife is gone, why the hell are YOU still around?”
“Good for your husband for standing up for you.”
“It sounds like you reached your breaking point with Jenna and though you may have responded in a way that you regret, it was a response to her inappropriate behavior and comments.”
“You should/could apologize to your husband for not speaking up sooner and allowing things to get to that point.”
“Such as… I never intended to suggest you did anything wrong or have anything to apologize for, my suggestion re: apologizing was because it sounded like you felt you reacted poorly and, possibly, the only thing you did ‘wrong’ was not advocating for yourself sooner.”
“I am clarifying as this has caused confusion.” ~ Historical_Agent9426
“You explained it perfectly that Jenna wanted him as an emotional partner and felt entitled to all of his time and emotional effort.”
“OP, I’m really glad your husband supported you after the way she talked to you.”
“But you two need to sit down and discuss proper boundaries with friends and relatives.”
“It’s terrible that Jenna lost her wife, and Ian would have been a good friend to spend a few days here and there with her.”
“But allowing her to be over every day, sleeping over at your house, those were all way too much.”
“Doesn’t matter if she’s gay or straight, male or female.”
“It’s inappropriate for a friend to spend all of their time with a married person.”
“It’s inappropriate to have your friend sleep over at your house all the time when you’re married.”
“The family unit is YOU and IAN. Your home is your sanctuary, your safe space.”
“Guests can visit occasionally and then go home, not practically live there.”
“In addition, married or not, Ian is in over his head as a support system for Jenna.”
“She needs a therapist to work through her grief.”
“He cannot and should not put himself in a position to be someone’s sole support system.”
“It’s too much for him and highly inappropriate to allow a person outside of your marriage to monopolize all of his time and emotional bandwidth.”
“You both let it go on too long, and go too far that she felt so entitled to demand he blow you, his wife, off.”
“Worse, on your birthday.”
“She was completely out of line but you two were doormats that let a third person threaten your marriage.”
“You two need to much better boundaries.”
“And in my opinion, Jenna’s overreliance on your husband, her sense of entitlement to your husband, and her complete lack of respect for you makes her no longer an acceptable friend for Ian.”
“He needs to cut off the friendship with her, and he needs to do it with you present.”
“She absolutely should not have interactions alone with him.”
“And he needs to make it clear to her that she crossed a line that he, as a husband, will not tolerate.” ~ JustKindaHappenedxx
“NTA and at least your husband did escort her out after she talked to you like that.”
“I have seen so many posts where the husband takes the friend’s side.”
“She disrespected you in your own house, you don’t need to feel bad.”
“It sucks her wife died but at least be thankful to others.”
“She clearly was the one monopolizing him.” ~ Qu33nKal
“Because she’s acting like OP’s husband belongs to her, and that OP isn’t even allowed to go out to dinner with him!”
“She is making it quite clear that she wants OP’s husband.”
“Grief isn’t an excuse to be an AH to someone and all but tell them they can’t be around their own dam husband.”
“She is acting like she owns OP’s husband.”
“She doesn’t like OP being around her own HUSBAND.”
“She got hostile and wanted OP to go to dinner with her friends instead of her OWN HUSBAND, just so he can be home with HER.”
“Literally all points to her wanting OP’s husband now that she’s all alone.” ~ NoiseUnhappy28
“Agreed. NTA. It’s really good that your husband backed you up because you deserved to be backed up.”
“She was way, way out of line even in her grief.”
“She didn’t even first think this would be a good chance to get a grip on her circumstances because you would be letting her stay in your house until you returned.”
“She could have taken a breath and, at worst, asked to come along.”
“She was over the top rude and unreasonable, even if she thought she would have a really bad evening coping.” ~ milliepilly
“NTA. Jenna was out of line but it is also good that you are reconsidering your actions.”
“This is a tough situation for everyone involved.”
“There are no simple good guys or bad guys here.
“I was a young widow myself and those first few months were a blur.”
“The things that upset me then, I can now see how I overacted and took things personally that I should not have.”
“I was irrational at times and got super emotional over the slightest things.”
“None of this gave me a pass to say or do anything to others.”
“The same applies to Jenna.”
“I’m glad your husband backed you, that is a good sign for your relationship.”
“I would tell him how much you appreciate his support because it must have been hard for him to escort his good friend out when she was suffering… it was the right thing but it was still probably hard for him to do.”
“Talk to him about how he can support Jenna moving forward with better boundaries.”
“Get an agreement between the two of you on how you will interact with Jenna and support her.”
“Eventually, Jenna will be in a better space and you may be able to ‘reconcile’ to a certain degree for the sake of your husband.” ~ Hyperboleiskillingus
“NTA… she inserted herself and she will eventually have to go back to her own home not bum off people… she’s the AH…” ~ tytyoreo
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
Grief is painful, yes, but that doesn’t mean you get to disrespect others.
It’s nice to hear that your husband has your back.
If you feel like apologizing, you can.
But you may want to keep your boundaries.