There's something to be said for learning a little about your crush before you go on a date. Not saying you should internet stalk them, but maybe finding out how their views mesh with yours would be prudent.
When Reddit user Ankit1000 asked out his gym crush, he thought it was the best moment of his life. But after the date goes wrong, the original poster (OP) tries to ditch the situation.
However, he isn't sure if he was wrong for how he went about it. OP decides to ask the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit to judge him.
The situation wasn't the best for OP.
"AITA for ditching my date at the restaurant?"
But why would he just ghost his date?
"Before anyone thinks this is fake, let me assure you i wish this was. I am in shock."
"I (26M) just recently went on a date with a (25-28?F) girl last Tuesday."
"We met at the gym. I've had a crush on her for a while and finally struck up a convo and asked her out. I booked us at a nice Korean restaurant that has Korean bbq stations."
"So we sit at the bar and have a pleasant chat for a few minutes and then they tell us our table is ready. Then we go to our table and its got a huge grill with a fire on it and she instantly asks what this is. (How does anyone not know what Korean bbq is?)"
"But I brushed it off and explained to her and she was like 'but why do we have to do all the work? Lol (yes she said lol unironically) isn't that their job?'"
"I explained to her thats whats fun about it but we could always order off of the a la carte menu if she didn't want bbq. But she said 'just make them do it for us' and insisted on calling the waitress over and asking her to put the meat on the grill and demanded to be served after it was ready."
"This elderly Korean lady had to shuffle between busy tables and come and flip the meat and serve our plates."
"But wait. It gets worse."
"So at this point I'm super embarrassed and seeing red flags like crazy (Im indian so I'm kinda used to the whole servant master attitude thing cause its big in india, but I'm not a fan of it, and I thought it was super weird here in the states) But I wanted to see the date to the end ( and yes shamelessly enough I was hoping for some 'adult' time.)"
"At the end of the meal, she asks for dessert. I agree and ask to see the menu. The waitress comes over and gives the menu and hands it to her."
"She then waits for her to leave and says 'My god this place is a nightmare, all these useless immigrants (shes white) come into the country and don't even work and eat up our tax dollars. Are they even legal?' And she said it loudly enough that a nearby table of brown people in their 20s started giving her dirty looks and whispering to each other."
"She notices this and goes 'same goes for these (insert racist word for people of Pakistan)' . At this point my jaw dropped."
"I'm INDIAN and she used this in front of me. She saw my expression and went 'oh no I don't mean Latinos they're fine. I LOVE Mexican food.'"
"So it seems that she thinks I was Latino (my birth country never really came up as I speak with an American accent) and she uses a racist word against my own countrymen in front of me."
"So we get dessert, I get up to use the bathroom, pay off the bill with a good tip and walk out the door. I left her there (I drove us) and went back and blocked her number."
"Now im even thinking of switching gyms but I'm just gonna go in the morning, I don't know what I will say if I ever meet her again."
"AITA for ditching my date without transport at the restaurant?"
OP wants to know if he was wrong to just ghost a racist after a bad date, but is there more at play here?
The AITA commenters judge OP by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
There was some back and forth, but the commenters came down on the side of OP not being TA.
It's easy to reach that judgement when the date was so racist.
"NTA because YIKES. Run for the hills and when you get there, don't stop running. If she asks why you ditched her, tell her you simply don't date racists." - Illustrious_Newt_313
"Oh hell no. I hope the long walk back gave her some time to reflect on why the fuck she's so racist, but there's no reason way she has the self perception required for that. NTA." - radstarr
"You did good. You did more than good. You paid and left. I would have left her stranded with 50% of the bill. NTA."
"Ghost her so good she can't be able to reach you with a Ouija board." - Admirable_One99989
Other commenters were less lenient on OP. While they felt the date wasn't good by any means, OP stuck around for personal gratification, and judged the girl for not knowing how Korean restaurants work.
Not the best look.
"Mild ESH for me. You come off as pretty condenscending, its not like everyone goes go Korean restaurants and knows the customs."
"She treated the stuff horribly (and at this point you were still willing to bang her... have some standards man) and is obviously racist." - Hermiona1
"ESH. She's flagrantly racist but you are willing to tolerate disrespect and entitlement for the possibility of 'adult time.'"
"I wonder how much more you would have tolerated if she didn't attack your people. Selective allyship for personal gains makes you an asshole too." - CuriouslyGruntled
"Thank you! I'm glad someone else reacted to this too.. 'yeah, she's entitled and rude to waitstaff, but she might put out if I ignore it'" - silya1816
"ESH"
"She's racist, you're insufferable." - QueenAlucia
If you realize someone is making racist comments, it might be better to speak up or get out sooner. We'd recommend something lighter for a first date, like coffee or a walk in the park to make it easier to back out.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.