An unexpected death in the family is difficult for everyone.
Family members can offer each other the support they need, but how much is too much to ask?
A young woman dealing with her brother’s death and the mother of his children’s needs turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
False_Challenge_4226 asked:
“AITA for not giving my house to my sister-in-law?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (23, female) have 2 siblings, both older. My oldest, let’s call him Jeff (28, male), passed away 4 months ago.”
“He had been in a relationship with Sarah for the past 4 years. They were planning on getting married this summer, but he got in a car crash and died.”
“He and Sarah also had 2 kids.”
“So two years ago my grandma passed away and gave me her house. I don’t have a family, but I am planning on getting a good career first.”
“The other day, Sarah came to my house. We have never been very close, but I understand that she’s in a vulnerable position so I was trying to be as supportive as I could.”
“But then she told me that she has been depressed and that she thinks her boss is going to fire her soon. I told her that I’m here for anything she needs.”
“That’s when she asked me for my house.”
“I immediately told her no way and she started an argument about how I don’t have a family and she does and that it would be so much easier for her to grieve in a house that has no mortgage.”
“I told her to get out and that I will not be giving her my house.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I didn’t give her the house or even let her and her kids stay there for a while. I don’t have a family yet and she does.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously declared the OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA. While you can sympathize with her situation, you are under no obligation to give her anything, not money, and certainly not your house!”
“She’ll have to get another job.”
“Oh, and be careful that she doesn’t abandon her kids on your doorstep.” ~Â FuzzyMom2005
“Also if she’s in the US, she may be entitled to social security for the kids to help with expenses.” ~ PsychologicalGain757
“NTA. I can’t imagine being so brazen as to ask someone you’re not even related or close to for their house.” ~ lihzee
“NTA. ‘Easier to grieve in a house without a mortgage’ MY ARSE!”
“DO NOT give her a chance to move in—you will NEVER get her out.”
“I’m still grieving the loss of my husband. I can’t say I’d be feeling any better if I owned a ruddy palace.”
“That woman is just trying to use people.” ~ molewarp
“NTA. Wow. A house is a big thing to demand someone give you as a gift.” ~ Odds0cket
“NTA. This sets her up to ask for smaller gifts. Compared to a house, giving her a few thousand dollars might seem reasonable.”
“It’s not. Be prepared to be specific about what you will give. A job reference maybe, or a few hours of babysitting.” ~ IncessantLearner
“I know we all try to be empathetic to people’s suffering, but this is completely unreasonable. She has already mentally convinced herself she deserves the house and only needs to convince them to go along with it.”
“OP has already said no, so getting to yes can only be achieved through an emotionally abusive process of psychological manipulation and shaming someone into submission.”
“It’s ‘something bad happened to me, and it’s only fair that something bad happens to you’. The fact that you are even asking AITA shows the manipulation has already started.”
“Let’s say the house is worth $300k. Would you have given her all your inheritance money if that $300k came in cash?”
“If not, you have your answer. People tend to conceptualize objects and money differently, even though they are directly exchangeable.”
“NTA. Do not fall into this psychological trap.”
“This is your financial future, and that of your future family, and that’s why your grandmother gave it to you.”
“Her house was a legacy and she wants to see it continue with you, otherwise she would’ve directed the executor to sell the house and split the proceeds.”
“Also, this will not be the end of her demands.” ~ Periscope23
“Absolutely NTA.”
“I imagine that you, too, are grieving the loss of your brother, and it would be very hard for you to do so if you also lost your home and had to try to find another.”
“And your grandmother chose to leave the house to you, not to your brother.”
“Tell her what you *can* do: if you can offer to watch her kids occasionally when you aren’t working, be there for her to talk to, help her to find a therapist to speak to, offer to read over her resume if she feels she needs to look for a new job if she is right about her boss or if she wants to move jobs.”
“So far as the house is concerned, if she brings it up have a planned response—maybe something like ‘Of course I can’t give you my home, that’s ridiculous. I am not going to discuss it further. I’m happy to talk with you about what I *can* do to help you. Do you want that?’.” ~ ProfessorYaffle1
“NTA. The mother of your nieces/nephews is not only entitled, she has a huge set of balls on her and her depression is causing her to not think clearly.”
“You can be emotionally supportive and also offer to take the kids if she needs a break, but you are under no moral obligation to bestow the gift of a house upon her simply because she feels she deserves it.”
“DO NOT hide a spare key anywhere outside. I have the feeling she’ll be looking for it and will move herself in if she finds it (and you’ll have a hell of a legal battle getting her out).”
“DO NOT give a key to any family members either.”
“DO NOT allow her to receive mail at your house. Part of establishing residency is proving your mail goes to a specific address. If she’s sneaky she’ll ask you to accept a delivery.”
“Keep her away from your house at all costs. Don’t invite her over, don’t allow her to invite herself over. Keep all interactions on neutral ground.”
“And get a video doorbell of some sort so you can immediately see if she’s trying to get into your house when you aren’t home. Don’t underestimate her.”
“Anyone that ballsy and entitled will feel justified in breaking in and taking what she thinks she deserves.” ~ Swimming-Fix-2637
“NTA. You can sympathize and empathize with the situation she’s in without giving her your entire home. Or even part of the home.”
“I think she must have known that she was feeling desperate and obviously asked too much. Desperation and grief can sometimes severely warp a person’s judgment.”
“I hope you two can reach an understanding that includes her receiving your help in some more reasonable way.” ~ BeardManMichael
“NTA. I know she is greiving. BUT her blaming her loss on you is unfair. You lost him too.”
“Also beware of her telling others you refused to help. Maybe secretly record conversations so that you can clear your name with other family members.”
“That being said the grieving process can really make people act in ways they normally wouldn’t. If you want to help her, try to offer her ways that you’re willing to help her and be very nice about it.”
“If she brings up the house again too much and you feel emotional, just leave. Don’t go off on her because it makes you look bad.”
“Don’t let her in your house until she gets over this.” ~ My-dog-is-the-best1
“I became a disabled, single mom, overnight. My husband and the love of my life, had a heart attack in his sleep. I know she needs support, but she needs professional support.”
“Let me be honest, and only a few people know this about me… I was convinced for over a week after my husband died, that he was going to find a way to ‘come back’, because he would never willingly leave us.”
“I had gone through so much in life, but I was already in the middle of breaking, when he died. So, when he died, I didn’t break, I shattered.”
“She may not realize that she is being unreasonable. I’m sure that she’s overwhelmed.”
“Try to gently explain how this is too much. I like the suggestion of telling her how much the house would be in dollar amounts. That may help her realize what she was asking for.”
“NTA, but not going to assume that SIL is the AH, either. She is freaking out, be gentle. I am so sorry for your loss.” ~ deedeejayzee
As many pointed out, grief can make a person act irrationally.
But the OP can rest assured that asking for her house was too much.
She had every right to refuse.