Having to exclude certain “relatives” from family events is not an easy task.
Over time, people (families) can grow apart.
When that distance occurs, it may mean less face-to-face time.
This doesn’t always go over well with the people being excluded.
Sometimes it can be seen as a petty action.
Redditor ThrowingAsk-9790 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for not inviting my widowed S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] to Christmas and telling her she isn’t immediate family anymore?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Before I get flooded with the same question.”
“My nephew never mentions her; he calls her by her name, and his bio mom was in his life before she went to jail.”
That is the only person he called mom.”
“My nephew has turned down seeing her before and ignores her when she tries to talk to him.”
“I really don’t know if I am a huge a**hole or not.”
“This has been a very long year, and I will be as clear as possible.”
“My brother passed earlier this year, and my parents have not been dealing with it well.”
“His wife (Hazel), before his death, did not get along well with our side of the family, especially my mother.”
“I know I am biased, but she has been a royal bi*ch to my mom and me.”
“My brother had a kid prior to being married to Hazel (she was his stepmom, but never adopted him).
“I got custody of him after my brother passed (bio mom is in jail).”
“One of the biggest bad points in the relationship was her lying about my mom.”
“She claimed my mom was calling her names and fat.”
“She was not and only came clean after mom was uninvited from their wedding and missed it.”
“She apologized to the family about that (it wasn’t a good apology because she basically claimed it was a big misunderstanding).”
“After that, she was passive-aggressive to my mom and me.”
“She didn’t listen to boundaries (especially with touching), and she made snide, mean comments the whole time.”
“When it was brought up, they claimed we were being sensitive (we were not, she literally called me ugly multiple times in ‘polite ways’).”
“I am very happy they didn’t have kids together.”
“After my brother died and I filed for custody, she did a 180.”
“She was nice, and it is weird.”
“I know it’s to try to stay close to my nephew (he is 6).”
“My parents can not host Christmas this year, so I am hosting.”
“She texted me asking when Christmas dinner would be and any ideas for presents for my nephew.”
“I told her she is not invited.”
“That this is just an immediate family event, and I need to prioritize those people, and she is not that anymore.”
“In short, I was called a petty b*tch.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA-she burnt her bridges, and you’re under no obligation to rebuild them.”
“I’d block her and move on.” ~ JustWowinCA
“She really did.”
“OP, you should not allow someone like that around a kid to begin with.”
“OP already shown she is a d**k, what if she lies about you to C[hild] P[rotective] S[ervices] and s**t talks about you to the kid.”
“Do not trust it at all.” ~ SoccerProblem3547
“Honestly… I don’t think that matters.”
“I’m the former step-mom to 2 wonderful children.”
“I would never expect to be invited to family gatherings, but I do remain in contact with them.”
“Boundaries are healthy.”
“For everyone.” ~ ImaginaryContext3004
“NTA. I just read your edit, and that woman has a lot of audacity.”
“She may have been your nephew’s stepmom, but he never considered her a mother, and doesn’t acknowledge her as any parental figure.”
“On top of that, there are YEARS of this woman being hateful, and driving a wedge between your family, while being nasty, disrespectful, and cruel.”
“Sorry, she lost her husband, but maybe if she were a good person, then people would want her around.”
“You don’t get to treat people like crap, then expect to be in the holiday pictures above the fireplace.”
“Also, your nephew doesn’t need to be around that woman anymore, because if she’s so bold to behave despicably throughout the years, she wouldn’t put it past her to drop poison in his ears, and also drive a wedge between you and your nephew.”
“NTA at all.” ~ OverKookie_Crumble
“NTA, she doesn’t get forgiveness for past crimes just because something bad happened to her.” ~ nanomistake
“ESH. SIL is clearly an AH for past behavior.”
“You’ve written about how you and your mom feel about Hazel, but was she a good stepmother?”
“What would your brother want for his son?”
“If he wanted Hazel to still have some kind of relationship with his son, then maybe Hazel could come for dinner on Christmas Eve or come in the morning to watch your nephew open presents.”
“It’s okay to tell Hazel that she needs to earn her way back into the family for the sake of your nephew.”
“Start small and go from there.” ~ Spiritual_Truth_5152
“Firstly, I’m very sorry for your loss.”
“Secondly. This Christmas is likely to be very hard for your nephew (and everyone else) without his father here.”
“I get that your sister in law is also grieving, but she needs to go and be with her own family/friends, and stop acting like a fool and making this harder for everyone else.”
“NTA, and don’t give in.”
“The lad isn’t asking for her, doesn’t consider her a parent, and doesn’t want to visit with her.”
“His is the vote that matters right now.” ~ FrostiePi
“NTA. She shouldn’t expect invites to anything ever again after the way she treated your family.” ~ LimeInternational856
“NTA, oh look, it’s the consequences of her actions.”
“Maybe over time you can try again with her, but for now, try to enjoy your insult-free Christmas.” ~ AdLoud2296
“Family is irrelevant in this case.”
“Why would you invite someone to the holidays who is rude and mean to you?’
“That’s why I don’t visit my parents on holidays anymore, and we’re about as related as you can get. NTA.” ~ IAmJustAHusk
“NTA. Thanks for picking up little Dude.”
“I understand that you are angry, frustrated, and that this is a rough year.”
“Take your time and relax a little.”
“Once you are clear in your head, you should ask your son if he is interested in keeping in contact.” ~ SchnuSchnu
“NTA. People, we’re judging if OP is an a**hole, not if she’s a virtuous lady.”
“Saying no may not be the most virtuous thing, but she ain’t an ahole for saying no to someone who had repeatedly belittled her and had not much significant relationship to her or the kid.” ~ DependentRace7570
“NTA. Your nephew needs stability reestablished in his life.”
“It sounds like he’s been through a lot of things, especially this past year with his dad passing.”
“Also, his refusing to see her before is a major indicator that he should simply not be around her until (if) he chooses to be.”
“I’m sorry for your loss.” ~ StrippinChicken
“I’m gonna go with ESH.”
“She definitely doesn’t seem like a great person.”
“But yeah, at the same time, she is family.”
“Like it or not, she married your brother.”
“It’s a little unclear from the OP what the relationship is like between her and your nephew, but if he feels as close to her as she does to him, he’s going to get caught in the crossfire if you shut her out completely.”
“If nothing else, in my honest opinion, there’s a piece of your brother in her, whatever her flaws.”
“And if you push her away, you’re kinda pushing part of your brother away, too.” ~ _-Cleon-_
“NTA… if she doesn’t like you all and made your lives hell, she shouldn’t expect to now be treated like family.”
“Keep the same energy.”
“If it’s about the nephew, she could choose another time, not the holiday.”
“No need to make Christmas uncomfortable on top of the rawness of your loss.” ~ boazed_n_delivered
“There’s a lot to unravel here, but here’s my take on it: even being immediate family doesn’t guarantee an invitation to anything — and she’s iffy at best in that definition.”
“If you’d all been close before, you’d probably invite her and feel that family connection as your brother’s widow.”
“If she were your nephew’s guardian, even more so. If your nephew loved her and wanted her there, you might stretch a point, even if you disliked her.”
“As none of those things are true, and you don’t intend to continue a relationship with her, inviting her to Christmas makes no sense at all.”
“You are going to have enough trouble helping your nephew cope with his own mother when she is released from prison.”
“Hazel has no place in his life moving forward, so cutting contact now and avoiding a very awkward Christmas is the right thing to do under the circumstances. NTA.” ~ IllustriousBowler259
“NTA, especially since you wrote your nephew turns down seeing her and calls her by her name.”
“He doesn’t see her as his mom, and for him not to want to see her, she probably didn’t care for him too much or spend much time with him.”
“Why didn’t she try to get custody?”
“Why didn’t she try to adopt him?”
“Regardless, I think NTA.” ~ Mediocre_Employer_86
“NTA. She made herself unwelcome long ago.” ~ Chickenman70806
Reddit has your back, OP.
Technically, she is no longer family.
Now, if your nephew would like a relationship with her, that is an issue you will have to deal with.
Sorry for your loss.