No matter how big or small... surgery is surgery.
And people will always need help during recovery.
When a person is in a committed long-term relationship, it's often assumed that one then has built-in help for these situations. But not every partner is capable of coming through.
This realization can stir up a lot of emotions.
Redditor Long_Angle_6244 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA, for being mad after informing my wife about tumor surgery, but some of her first thoughts were about her planned trip?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I have been with my wife for over 10 years, and we have a child together."
"I have been having headaches for the last couple of weeks."
"All this time, it just kind of occurs to me that she doesn't seem to care much whenever I tell her."
"I had an MRI scan recently."
"We both knew there was something wrong."
"We were just not sure how bad it was."
"Today, I was informed by my doctor that there is a fairly large cyst/tumor (2.5cm, ~half of golfball) behind my cheekbone that requires surgery."
"As I mentioned this to my wife, I couldn't believe one of her first thoughts was if we could still go to her friends (3 hours away) the day after the surgery."
"She has been planning this trip for a while."
"I was kind of mad after hearing this."
"I told her I would probably prefer not to go after the surgery as common sense tells me I need time to recover."
"Then she actually asked, 'If she should just take our son with her while leaving me home.'"
"After hearing that, I blew up and started yelling and cursing at her over text."
"She said I was being unreasonable, that she was just asking 'questions' for planning purposes."
"Here I am thinking about the surgery and potential complications and risks, yet her first thoughts were about her trip, and she even asked if she should go without me."
"I didn't think it was appropriate to even ask this question."
"I thought she would be thinking about how to help me recover."
"This seems completely inconsiderate to me."
"To be fair, I know if I asked her to stay, she would have."
"Even though she was asking a question, it was the fact that she was considering leaving me alone that got me."
"She also did plan to drive me on the day of surgery."
"Also, the doctor doesn't believe the cyst or tumor is cancerous so I'm not in a life-threatening situation."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So am I the A**hole?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Honestly, I would've had the same reaction you did."
"When my husband was sick, I canceled s**t left and right to make sure I could be home to help him."
"You'll need food at a minimum."
"Who knows, maybe wound care or assistance walking, someone to look out for whatever things of concern."
"I don't know."
"At this point, I think if she stays home she may be spiteful."
"Might be better to send them off and arrange to have someone who actually cares, come and help you."
"Perhaps some marriage or divorce counseling is in order, too?"
"Good luck either way."
"And please update us so we know you are safe." ~ KaoJin-Wo
"After anesthesia, I usually need a few days before my brain will function, and even need help to the bathroom on the first day."
"OP, please arrange for someone else to help during recovery if you can." ~ Marketing_Introvert
"The post-surgery haze is no joke."
"With the pain meds I was on, I was almost non-functional for days after surgery."
"You gotta have someone there to help take care of you." ~ starksdawson
"OP's wife reminds me of a 20-year-old who thought he was going to a wedding the day after his knee surgery."
"If she hasn't had experience with surgery before, she may have watched too many TV hospital shows and think OP will be fine an hour after surgery and be going for his morning jog the next day." ~ eileen404
"Usually after anesthesia, they want someone to keep an eye on the patient for 24 hours anyway."
"Sometimes I react really badly to anesthesia coughing like a 3 pack a day smoker for weeks afterward."
"But the last surgery I had on my hand as an outpatient."
"I was awake and up within an hour, drove myself home, and started doing my normal stuff (somewhat hampered by a left hand that was basically a club). Recovery went well, but it was quite painful for a while."
"Now it's mostly fine."
"NTA - Who asks if they can still go on a trip after their partner just had surgery?"
"That's pretty lame honestly." ~ False-Importance-741
"Yes, OP."
"You should not be alone at any point for at least several days after surgery."
"You'll still have an anesthesia haze and complications can hit hard and fast."
"You will need someone who is minimally in the house and checking up on you regularly."
"You're having surgery very close to your brain."
"Your doctor will tell you how long you need to be monitored."
"Once things cool down, please revisit this with your wife."
"She may be selfish, or she may be in denial of how serious it is."
"It would be good to have her with you when you do the pre-operational appointments, so she knows (and can't deny) how important your aftercare will be, and that this isn't a minor surgical procedure." ~ Cloverose2
"OP, I would be freaking out, by my husband's side the day of surgery and babying him the moment he got home."
"He had a colonoscopy, and I dropped him off/picked him up."
"Set him up at home wheels I worked and came straight home."
"For a colonoscopy."
"If it was surgery I would take at least several days off to take care of my husband and we don't have kids."
"This is unacceptable and it would cause me to rethink my marriage."
"She doesn't sound like she loves you anymore." ~ Harmonia_PASB
"You shouldn't have to ask her."
"It should be a given."
"She should have just said ok, I will cancel plans and stick the house and we'll get through this - if she thought about the trip at ok."
"Someone who is really your partner, wouldn't even have asked those questions."
"It would have been automatic."
"I don't get that. At all."
"Not trying to be a d**k, but it kinda hurts my heart to even read that."
"It also made me so thankful that my husband never had to go through that, never had to wonder WTF."
"It never crossed either of our minds that I would be anywhere but by his side."
"I also made damn sure he never knew the cost of that."
"I wish you good health and a speedy recovery."
"And healing of all sorts." ~ KaoJin-Wo
"One thing I will point out is that she may have been shocked by the news and clinging to normalcy."
"While I didn't pull anything nearly as egregious as asking if I could still go on vacation, I am definitely guilty of some insensitivity in the name of trying to make things normal after my spouse's cancer diagnosis."
"This is not an excuse."
"It does not make that not a-hole behavior."
"Her doing that for that reason is still her putting herself first instead of turning to you."
"But it's one possible reason."
"I would say couples counseling is definitely in order, at least." ~ The_Ambling_Horror
"OP, NTA of course."
"Your wife's reaction is terrible and bizarre, but yelling and cursing is not something you should be proud of, and I suspect you know that."
"If this is the first time in your marriage you resorted to that then it's safe to assume it's just the shock from her reaction, but if not, then you two should try to work on your relationship core issues."
"Best of luck with your surgery! 🙏" ~ theAmericanStranger
"Doctor here. Do not underestimate how much post-op pain you'll be in."
"The face is highly innervated."
"It's not just the post-anesthesia concerns (I'm in the UK, and we do a lot of day-case surgery), there's also the meds you'll need to manage your pain."
"Any surgery is an assault on the body, healing requires energy - you'll be knackered for days."
"Additionally, depending on what and how they approach your mass, you may have initial difficulty chewing, swallowing, and speaking due to swelling."
"You will need someone to care for you."
"Please ask your wife what she was thinking." ~ SaxonChemist
"I would have had the same reaction too!"
"When my now-husband and I started dating he broke and dislocated his ankle."
"He lived in a building with no elevator."
"I took an unpaid week off work to buy him groceries, cook, help him into and out of the bath so he didn't slip, and made sure he had everything he needed."
"We'd been dating MAYBE three months."
"I can't imagine being 10 years in and wanting to go on vacation the day after he has BRAIN SURGERY."
"What was OP's wife thinking?"
"It's so selfish." ~ Uhwhateverokay
"NTA. My wife had a (cancerous) tumor discovered and then removed right in the middle of what had been planned to be a 2-month dream holiday after I finished a multi-year project at work."
'You know what I didn't give a s**t about?"
"Missing out on that vacation when it came to her health and recovery." ~ MyNameIsAlsoBort_
"The only question she should be asking is 'How can I support you through this?'"
"This isn't teamwork, as a marriage should be."
"How can someone justify thinking of something as menial as a trip to see a friend when your husband has been told he has a golfball-sized tumor that needs operating?"
"That should shatter your world into pieces, not make you first consider your diary arrangements for a road trip."
"NTA. And crossing fingers for you." ~ Mustardforest
"NTA. She actually wants to leave you alone with no help the day after surgery, to go on a fun trip."
"Either she has no idea how serious this is for you, or she doesn't care." ~ ExistenceRaisin
"NTA. My mom had the same thing earlier this year and while she was pretty optimistic about it, she still had pretty much 10+ offers of people to drive her, look after her, or just visit her."
"After the operation, we made sure she wasn't alone for the first week."
"Can't imagine leaving anyone I care about alone." ~ Wiedword
"Marriage issue or not - this comes down to someone's basic core humanity."
"I've broken up with someone who did me dirty but then I found out a mass shooting happened at one of the places they had planned to attend."
"And I reached out to make sure they were ok and if they needed anything."
"It's basic human decency."
"I'm sorry your wife couldn't have that." ~ Foamy-lizard
"NTA. I just had a breast biopsy done (thankfully not cancerous)."
"The day I had it my sister took off and stayed at the hospital so she could drive me home, where she bought me lunch and hung out."
"In the afternoon my ex-husband and his wife picked up all the kids and came over to make us all dinner."
"Family and the people who care about you focus on helping you get through scary s**t."
"That's just crazy." ~ Zephyr_Bronte
"NTA. Find out how long you will need care!"
"And bluntly tell your wife that you expect HER to care for you, once you are past needing nurse care."
"Per her marriage vows."
"Simple but needed things, like bring you food, help you walk to the bathroom if your balance is off, bring you water and help with meds, pillows to prop you up."
"As I presume you took household burdens off her for weeks after she had your child."
"Her just going off and abandoning you when you need care is a deal breaker." ~ bkwormtricia
"How does your wife usually deal with scary/emotional things?"
"Sometimes people need time to process this type of information and skip to mundane topics during that time."
"Going with NAH, give her some time." ~ AITAH-No-Troll
Reddit is very concerned for you, OP, and are on your side.
You deserve better than this from your partner.
It doesn't matter how big or small... surgery is surgery!
You will need help.
And your spouse should want to be there.
After this situation is said and done, it may be time for some serious couples therapy.
Good luck with everything.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp