Kids and their birthday parties can be a stressful combination.
The older people get the more extravagant the show, until a certain time when people start hiding higher numbers.
But that is a different story.
The years of being a teenager are a time of self-learning and identity discovery.
So all the ways things went down in the past with self-celebration tend to get a remix.
And that doesn’t always go over well with everybody.
Case in point…
Redditor Fresh-Tower-8803 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for forcing my daughter to share a birthday celebration with her twin brother?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I have two kids, Paige (14/F[emale]) and Dylan (14/M[ale]).”
“As twins most years they’ve wanted to have a joint birthday celebration.”
“But there have been a couple of years where they’ve decided to have separate parties with different friend groups or at different locations.”
“They tell me a few weeks before their birthday in May which thing they want to do that year.”
“So this year Paige told me that she and Dylan had decided they wanted to have their own parties, and she and her friends had already picked a whole theme and the activities that they wanted to do.”
“I approved Paige’s plan, and then a day or so later I asked Dylan what he wanted to do for his birthday party.”
“At this point, I learned that Dylan and Paige had not mutually decided that they were having separate celebrations this year, and me asking Dylan about it was the first he was heard that he was expected to have his own party.”
“His feelings were very hurt that Paige had cut him out without so much as talking to him about it.”
“So I spoke with Paige and she admitted that she and her friends had decided on their own to exclude Dylan because they felt that a boy would wreck the activities they had planned.”
“I told Paige that it wasn’t okay for her to treat her brother that way and that the party I’d originally agreed to was now canceled.”
“And that I expected her and Dylan to plan a joint birthday celebration with activities that all of their friends could enjoy.”
“Dylan is much happier with this arrangement, but Paige is angry and keeps saying that I ruined her party.”
“I’m worried that I might’ve made a misstep because normally I try very hard to treat my kids as individuals and not just as a pair of twins.”
“And I’m worried that forcing Paige to share her birthday celebration with Dylan might send the wrong message on that front.”
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
“YTA I think.”
“Having a mutual party should only happen if both kids want to do it.”
“I can understand telling Paige that it was rude of her to not talk to her brother and give him a heads up that she wanted her own party, and asking her to apologize, but forcing her to have a joint party is going too far.” ~ poeadam
“Paige should NOT be expected to check in with her brother about HER birthday party.”
“Did Dylan check in with Paige?”
“Did Dylan plan anything?”
“Sounds like the OP is putting all the pressure on Paige, including expecting Paige to share her friends and include her brother.”
“That’s completely unfair on every single level.” ~ Pepper-90210
“For what it’s worth, I agree with you on this, but there is one thing I don’t think you’re taking into account.”
“History matters, OP states that this has traditionally been a combined party.”
“I will absolutely agree that at 14, the default should be separate, but it hasn’t been previously, so Paige’s conversation with her brother about the party is relevant to the situation at hand.”
“I 100% agree that she should not have to ask his permission to have her own party, but being that the default (whether it should be or not) is a combined party, a conversation needed to be had if she wanted to separate it.” ~ Rhades
“I mean, Paige would’ve been right to say, ‘Hey, I don’t want a joint party this year,’ to her mother, without mentioning Dylan (or with the specification that she hasn’t talked to Dylan).”
“The problem is that she acted as if she had already talked to Dylan, and then OP accidentally blindsided him.”
“I can imagine maybe she didn’t know how else to approach the subject, but it’s the lie that was unfair.” ~ sootfire
“I have to wonder if the sister is used to her brother’s preference being favored.”
“And she knew he would refuse separate parties so she tried to get around that because OP has a habit of saying ‘Well your brother wanted X, and you wanted Y, so we gotta do X because it’s ‘the norm.'”
“I think it’s notable the brother was happier OP forced a joint party on them.”
“Perhaps this was always a losing battle for Paige.”
“OP should consider if she’s teaching her daughter she NEEDS to be deceitful to have her wishes be considered if they conflict with Dylan’s.” ~ Yetikins
“I feel like YTA.”
“But I do want further info, to understand the dynamics better.”
“I kind of wonder why Paige didn’t bother to give her brother heads up, or have that conversation.”
“Would Dylan be against having a split party, or force Paige into a shared party?”
“Was it just a lack of communication?”
“They had split parties before, so I don’t see why she would feel the need to lie about it.”
“I’m kind of curious too about who historically organizes the parties, and does all the work.”
“Seems Paige has already planned things for ‘hers.’ but Dylan hasn’t even considered the plans for the party yet?”
“Did he just assume that Paige was making the plans for a joint party?”
“Why did he not bring it up with Paige?” ~ De-railled
“Because that’s not how teens or siblings work.”
“She’s a teenage girl.”
“She’s not going to discuss her bday plans with her brother. Twins or not.”
“I love my brother but when I was a teen he was just my brother.”
“No way I’d want him hanging out with my girlfriends.” ~ demunicorntiddies
“The whole issue is OP trying to square a circle.”
“Either the twins have the age-appropriate choice to pick a joint or separate party, in which case Paige meaninglessly lied to OP, which is an issue.”
“And Dylan’s sense of being blindsided makes no sense and is the far larger issue.”
“Dylan is too old to just assume that his twin’s friends will be his, he has had years of knowing that they can have separate parties if one of them makes the choice to do so.”
“And the larger issue is why Dylan made no effort to inquire after his own birthday.”
“Paige would absolutely deserve punishment for lying to OP, but in this scenario, the punishment for Paige would undermine the more crucial life lesson for Dylan about reasonable expectations and emotional labor.”
“OR…”
“Dylan had a reasonable expectation of a combined party because OP forces any decision for separate parties to be a two yes, one no scenario, which isn’t age appropriate for the twins and would explain why Paige lied.”
“The scenario would explain OP’s focus on Dylan being blindsided.”
“Even though I agree with you that the issue should be about the lying, OP’s commentary makes it clear that a big issue for OP is the sense of Dylan’s being left out.”
“Paige’s lying isn’t good, but the larger issue is the unreasonable expectations of either Dylan or OP.”
“Punishing Paige to the degree OP it doesn’t solve the larger issue in either scenario.” ~ glimpseeowyn
“History only matters to an extent.”
“They are 14 so I GUARANTEE they did not have a choice on whether or not it was a joint party for the majority of those 14 years.”
“OP, they are twins.”
“They deserve to have their own identities and things without always being forced to do everything together.”
“If one wants a joint party and the other doesn’t, why is she being overruled?”
“I get that she lied/went behind her brother’s back, but maybe think about why she thought that was necessary.”
“It is her birthday too, YTA.” ~ aaamerzzz
“This! Sounds to me like Paige is tired of doing it all.”
“She planned way in advance.”
“At no point did Dylan say, so, sis, what should we do for our party… Or, Hey Mom, for the party this year can I invite ____ over?”
“OP at no point said, hey Dylan, I know Paige is celebrating Saturday- when do you want to celebrate so we can plan?”
“Everyone seems to have expected Paige to communicate and do it all and it seems to me Paige is done with planning for her brother.”
“Op is YTA.”
“Dylan needs to make sure his birthday is in order- and as a parent, you need to still check in so you know what is being planned (not planned).”
“Like, nothing was on the calendar beyond Paige’s party!?!?”
“Didn’t that set off some sort of alarm to check in!?!?”
“If for no other reason than making sure they weren’t happening on the same day/time!?!?” ~ Corgi_Cats_Coffee
“The fact she felt she had no other choice but to lie to try and get a different celebration is sad.”
“Mom is going to make her resent her brother.”
“It’s ok for the two of them to have 2 different celebrations.”
“Mom is crushing her daughter to make her son happy.”
“This is not right.” ~ gramsknows
OP returned with an Update…
“I’ve already realized that making Paige and Dylan share a birthday celebration is an unreasonable punishment (for various reasons) and won’t be doing so, y’all can calm down now. Sheesh.”
Well, OP, Reddit had a lot to say.
It sounds like you listened.
Looks like things are changing at home.
Hopefully, everyone can still have a great celebration.