Labor shortages, as in my job openings than people to fill them have led a number of companies to offer referral bonuses to their existing employees.
An employee referral bonus is given to the current employee when they recruit a successful candidate from within their own network of friends, classmates, or family. Most require the recruit to successfully complete training and work for the company for a set period of time before any bonuses are issued.
Some bonuses are in the form of prizes or time off, but most are monetary. Some referral bonuses may be combined with a recruitment bonus for the new employee, but referral bonuses are always issued to the existing employee as an incentive for them to find suitable workers for their company.
One industry that has utilized both recruitment and referral bonuses is healthcare due to a shortage of nurses, doctors, medical technicians, and aides.
A nurse who referred a family member turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a dispute with the person she recruited.
Dropit-likeitshot asked:
"AITA for not giving my bonus to my brother-in-law?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (28, female) have a brother-in-law (BIL) (30, male) who feels as though I'm being extremely unfair to him by not giving him my referral bonus."
"For context, him, my husband (32, male), and myself are all registered nurses. We live on the west coast and him the east coast."
"We all have done travel nursing contracts on and off over the last 6 years. My last recruiter was awesome, so I referred my BIL to her/the agency she works for."
"When I started with this company, my husband referred me. The company pays you $750 dollars after the nurse you referred has worked for 8 weeks. The person working also receives a smaller bonus of $250."
"Contracts are only 13 weeks. Travel nurses aren't long term employees, just temporary fixes to staffing shortages. You have the option to extend the contract if it's offered to you."
"West coast nurses make good money as both staff and travel. I think $750 is a fair bonus when the employment term is so short. Referrals for permanent staff are much higher."
"Many companies have incentives like this."
"Over the last few weeks, my BIL has been making comments over text and over the phone to my husband, saying things like 'send me that money when you get it'. Or 'let's split that bonus money'. He thinks it's my husband who is getting the bonus, but really it's me."
"I let my husband shut him down and deal with it, trying not to get involved. Things took a turn last Friday."
"Last Friday marked 8 weeks he's been working on contract for the company. He got his $250 so he knows the payment was made to my husband (me)."
"He started harassing my husband over text saying he deserves the money instead, because he's the one working. My husband told him to knock it off, and that I'm the one that got the bonus anyways."
"He started texting me saying he's owed this money, again saying he's the one that's working the contract not me. I told him no, and if I didn't refer him, he would have gotten no bonus at all, even if it is smaller.
"Like just be grateful for extra free money. But he kept on it, saying it's unfair."
"I told him this is just the way it goes. I made the company money for recruiting you, so I get paid more."
"It's not like I stole the money from him or anything. It was direct deposited to me."
"I stopped responding to his texts thinking that was the end of it."
"The next day, he started texting my husband telling him he needs to ditch me, I'm extremely toxic and entitled, I suck, and many more not very nice things. My husband of course got very mad and stuck up for me."
"He hasn't talked to either of us since."
"Now I'm starting to feel bad that this has caused a family fight and don't think money should come between family. But at the same time, you can't bully me into giving you something that's mine and treat me like garbage."
"I feel bad because I don't like when people fight. Especially family. I do not have biological siblings, so I'm unfamiliar with the true dynamics of sibling relationships and bonds when growing up in the same household."
"I don't have that attachment to someone else in that way, so I try not to overstep or get in the way. I don't ever want to be the reason others have a falling out."
"I never told my husband I should get his bonus, and I know my BIL wouldn't give it to me if it was the other way around."
"AITA for not caving?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"Not giving someone money. Because it has caused a family fight with people not speaking to each other."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was
"Would he even have been offered the job at all without the referral? The reason companies offer referral bonuses is it lets the existing employees pre-select candidates who might be a good fit. Without your referral, not only might he be out $250, he might not have received a job at all. NTA." ~ UncleCeiling
"Seriously. Not only does he want your $750, but he conveniently forgets that without your referral, he'd have exactly $0 and probably a worse contract. No good deed goes unpunished." ~ OilTechnical6976
"If he keeps up his pestering, I would consider putting him on blast in a family groupchat or similar. Like, 'Just a heads up, fam: be careful if you do a favor for BIL. I got a small commission for referring him to his current job, and he got a smaller one after working 8 weeks. For the past X weeks, he has demanded my referral bonus payment'."
"'When told no - because what? - he began trashing me to my husband, his brother, putting in writing some hurtful, awful and untrue things he thought about me. So family: I warn you to be cautious when doing BIL a favor, as he seemingly has nary a gracious bone in his body'."
"'And BIL: Stop pestering me. Stop telling my husband I'm toxic and a [insert slur he used here]. This is my notice that you shouldn't consider coming to us in the future if you need help'."
"Honestly this is probably a bit too harsh, but could still work with the right family dynamic. NTA for telling this entitled jerk no." ~ wolfeflow
"Your BIL sounds like a fixated, entitled weirdo; I certainly wouldn't want him having any responsibility for my care. NTA." ~ AnotherDoubtfulGuest
"I would ask if he would split all of his future referral bonus payments with you, because you got him working there in the first place." ~ daskleinemi
"My business bank offered a £600 bonus for any business I refer that opens an account and deposits a minimum of £1000 in it."
"I referred my BIL and offered to split the bonus with him; he refused. He said it was my offer for referring him, he's happy with the terms and they offered him a signing on bonus as well (even though it was smaller)."
"OP's BIL is definitely an entitled prick." ~ gooderj
"NTA. Thirty years old is a big enough age to know how a goddamn bonus works. He could be a dipsh*t or a bully (or both), but in either case, it's bizarre how he's hounding both of you to give him your own money. Shut that sh*t down and make sure he knows you're never referring him to anyone else." ~ 30Helenssayfu*ckoff
The OP offered an update:
"Thankfully we do not work together, but lesson learned. I'll never do this again. Money or no money involved. It's not worth the drama."
"He would have found a job eventually, but maybe not in his preferred hospital/location/pay package. And he would have been stuck with a way worse recruiter.
"He's had bad ones before. This recruiter is amazing. I worked with her for over a year and she was extremely helpful and responsive to me."
"I've had horrible recruiters in the past too that stop caring after day 1 of your assignment and essentially ghost you until you're finished."
"I thought I was being nice because she genuinely is a good recruiter. He complained about the last few he had. It's not like I referred him just for the money."
"While he doesn't deserve my bonus, to his defense, he is a good nurse and employee. His interpersonal behavior outside the workplace is just garbage."
"If he was in money trouble of some kind, I think it would be a different story, but he isn't."
"He blew this up way more than needed and aimed low once he knew neither of us were going to entertain the argument."
"His MO is to go as low as he can with every argument he's in. If he feels like he's losing, he'll bring up anything he can to try and hurt you back. It's my fault for thinking this would resolve with repeated no's."
"My husband and I both agree this is it."
OP tried to do something nice for her brother-in-law.
But his greed will end up costing him more than the money he would have gained.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp