Overcoming and living with addiction is a long, hard process.
A big part of a successful recovery is cutting out toxicity.
Toxic triggers can destroy sobriety.
Sometimes those triggers are people.
Redditor IScreamAtCloudss wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for kicking my mom out after she brought up my deceased baby AND my past addiction in front of my new B[oy]F[riend]?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (24 F[emale]) am trying so hard to rebuild my life.”
“Two years ago, I was struggling with addiction.”
“I got clean.”
“I got help.”
“I started over.”
“A year later, I had a baby.”
“He passed away shortly after birth from complications.”
“Losing him almost made me relapse.”
“I didn’t. “
“But it shattered something in me that will never fully heal.”
“My mom (42 F) has never been supportive of any version of me.”
“The hurt one, the recovering one, the mother, the grieving one. “
“She only shows up when she can be the victim.”
“She loves attention, but not accountability.”
“When my baby died, instead of comforting me, she said, ‘You shouldn’t have gotten pregnant so fast after getting clean. Maybe now you’ll be more responsible.”’
“I still can’t think about those words without crying.”
“Anyway, I recently met someone (30 M[ale]).”
“He’s gentle, patient, and kind.”
“The first person who makes me feel like I’m not broken.”
“He knows I’ve been through ‘hard things,’ but I hadn’t told him everything yet.”
“I wanted to share my story when I felt secure.”
“So one night he came over for dinner at my place.”
“I’m nervous, but excited.”
“Everything is going perfectly. “
“We’re laughing, cooking, talking.”
“Then my mom shows up. Uninvited.”
“Just let herself in like she still owns me.”
“Obviously, I gave her a spare key; we live away from family, and it’s just us.”
“She immediately starts scanning him like she’s a spy.”
“Asking what he does, how much he makes, if he ‘comes from a stable family,’ all with this condescending tone like she’s auditioning him for a job she doesn’t even have authority over.”
“Then she turns to him and says with a straight face…”
“’Before you get too attached, you should know she already had a baby… but he didn’t survive.”’
“I yelled out, ‘Mom, WTF?’”
“She ignored me.”
“’She probably didn’t tell you because she feels guilty. I told her not to get her hopes up. Addicts don’t usually have healthy pregnancies.’”
“Then she said the most evil thing I’ve ever heard…”
“’Maybe if she hadn’t wasted those years on drugs, her body wouldn’t be so damaged.’”
“I broke.”
“I flipped out, and everything went black.”
“I just remember calling her every name under the sun and telling her to GTFO my house.”
“My boyfriend was stunned, and I don’t blame him.”
“She obviously left, arguing on the way out, but everything was such a blur at that point I can’t even tell you what was said.”
“I screamed at her to GET OUT!!!”
“I remember that.”
“I don’t even remember what I said.”
“I just saw red.”
“After she left, she texted me paragraph after paragraph about how I ’embarrassed’ her, how I’m ‘still unstable,’ how she ‘won’t sugarcoat reality just because I’m sensitive,’ and all this other unnecessary stuff I don’t care to hear.”
“I blocked her.”
Now my sister and mother are calling me dramatic, disrespectful, saying I ‘humiliated’ my mother by kicking her out.”
“My boyfriend has been nothing but supportive.”
“He held me while I cried.”
“He didn’t judge my past at all.”
“He didn’t leave.”
“But now I’m questioning myself.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Was I the AH?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Change your locks ASAP and put up major boundaries!”
“I am so sorry!”
“Your mom is horrible!” ~ vanilla_crabcakes
“Dude, I hate this for you, too.”
“You’ve put in such work to rebuild yourself from the bottom up, you should be proud of yourself.”
“Boyfriend is a good egg too, he’s not judging past you for your choices or for your grief and trauma.”
“You don’t need this person in your life, reminding you of your worst.”
“She won’t ever get that away from you.”
“She isn’t viewing you as a person, capable of growth.”
“She’s viewing you as one mistake.”
“You’re more than that. “
“As a person, as a partner, as a mother.”
“You are so far more than what she thinks of you.”
“F**k the boundaries, get her out of your life.”
“You deserve people who view you at your best, and who view you as you are now.” ~ rage-quit
“With a mother like that, it’s no wonder OP struggled with addiction.”
“OP, your mother is abusive, and you do not deserve to be treated that way.”
“You have worked so hard to build your life back up, and you deserve to be loved and supported, not torn down over and over like your mother is doing.”
“I am so, so proud of you for getting clean, and I am so, so sorry for your loss.”
“It sounds like you’ve met a really lovely guy, and I hope you continue to heal.” ~ Large-Meaning-517
“A colleague of mine and his partner lost their baby within a few short weeks.”
“The mother did not have your struggles of addiction or recovery.”
“Sometimes babies have health issues no matter how healthy a mother is.”
“You are not to blame, and life is not universally fair.”
“Your mother is unhappy with her own choices and dumping on you to make herself feel superior.”
“Cut her out of your life, you don’t need that going forward.” ~ Scared-Artichoke-866
“Her mother is, quite frankly, a poison in her life.”
“I hate to advocate for breaking a family relationship, but in this case, OP won’t get fully healthy until she removes her mother from her life entirely.”
“Mum gets too much satisfaction from putting her daughter ‘in her place’ to ever let up on the negativity and pressure.”
“OP, if you’re able to move to a new residence, please do – and don’t let any family members know where you are.”
“You need a safe space where no one, most of all your mother, can just walk in and destroy your peace.” ~ KiwiAtaahua
“My mother bleeds her emotions everywhere.”
“I don’t feel comfortable calling her a narcissist – but it’s telling that every friend I have made in adulthood, including my partner of a decade, wants nothing to do with her.”
“When I miscarried, she waited to call me in the middle of class to talk about HER miscarriages.”
“That was my moment. From one former people pleaser to what it feels like a current one – NTA at ALL.”
“I know it’s common for those of us with toxic parents to feel guilty when we hold boundaries and protections against them.”
“Please save some of these comments to reassure you when you doubt yourself, and lean on those who care about you.” ~ FourGuysOneFence
“Clearly NTA.”
“Your mother said those things with one purpose and one purpose only, to hurt you.”
“Stay away from her.”
“Do not listen to other family members who tell you not to do so; they do not have your best interests at heart.”
“Change your locks.” ~ Bowman74
“NTA. Block your sister, too, and anyone else who defends your mom.”
“You have to go No Contact to stay sane.”
“You can’t have that negativity in your life, even if they are the only family you have.”
“Check your credit to see if they have opened any accounts in their names.”
“Your mom is evil, and your sister is close behind her.”
“I am so sorry for your loss, but everyone is proud of your progress.”
“You got this.” ~ Malibucat48
“NTA. Your mother did that on purpose.”
“Plan A was to interrogate and find fault with the guy and mock him.”
“When there wasn’t anything obvious to go with, she IMMEDIATELY went for your soft underbelly.”
“And she always will.”
“She could be giving a toast at your wedding, and she would talk about how it’s so great that an addict could finally find love.”
“Cut her out like a cancer.” ~ Mmm_lemon_cakes
“She is a go**amn monster, and you are millions in fact BILLIONS times better without her.”
“One addict to another, it’s not easy to get clean.”
“One human to another, losing someone you loved so dearly changes you.”
“I’m not a mother and never have had that joy, but I am so sorry you went through that, and the woman who should have been your rock was your tormenter.”
“You deserve so much better.” ~ Hot-Reception7412
“NTA. Change the locks ASAP.”
“Keep your mother blocked.”
“Tell your sister exactly what happened if you haven’t, because you know your mother didn’t give an honest accounting.”
“Give your sister the chance to be a decent human being, unlike your mother.”
“It’s not important to explain whether or why you hadn’t told your boyfriend everything yet.”
“Your mother assumed he didn’t know and was trying to hurt you and isolate you, intentionally driving away anyone who cared about you.” ~ NapalmAxolotl
“Your mom proved to you she can NEVER be trusted, and any opportunity she has, she will choose to hurt you, and try to sabotage your life and healing.”
“Your only option is to cut her out of your life completely.”
“Change your locks, and never give her access to you again.”
“That is the only way to have peace and find happiness.” ~ Natenat04
“NTA. Holy Sh*t, friend!”
“Your mom is your biggest hater!” ~ ritzybitzy08
Reddit is 1000% with you, OP.
Your mother is a terror.
Your sobriety is your first priority.
In order to save it, you may need to keep her blocked permanently.
Sorry for your loss.