One major task parents-to-be have to work out before their child is born is a birth plan, complete with their wishes for how their delivery experience will go in the hospital, birthing center, or home.
But any parent will tell you that no pregnancy goes exactly according to plan, stressed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Background_Box463 specifically wanted her mother to be present for the birth of her child, and she was open to her mother-in-law being there, as well. So, the parents-to-be arranged for the mother-in-law to pick up the mum-to-be’s mother on her way to the hospital.
When her mother-in-law showed up at the hospital and claimed she “forgot” to pick the other mom up, the Original Poster (OP) immediately lashed out at her for going against the plan.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my mother-in-law (MIL) she was dead to me after she showed up in the labor and delivery area without my mother?”
The OP made an expensive birth plan that included her entire family.
“For the past three months, it’s been a very well-known plan that when I (30 Female) went into labor, my husband was going to drive me to the hospital, and my MIL was going to pick up my mother, my kids, and my grandmother (all from one house).”
“BOTH my MIL and my mom were supposed to be in the delivery room. My gram was to watch my two kids in the waiting room.”
“Everyone was in agreement with the plan.”
“Now, my husband and I have two sons already, and for both births, my mother was present. She helped me through so much of the mental anguish and panic, especially after my last, who literally almost killed me. I was bleeding out on the table, and my mom was the only one able to keep me calm. I needed her to be with me with this baby, too, mentally.”
“So we worked this plan out months in advance, and everyone was on the same page.”
But it didn’t seem the OP’s mother-in-law (MIL) was on board with the plan after all.
“However, when I went into labor, we made the phone calls to my MIL and my mom, telling my mom to be ready and my MIL to go get my mother.”
“An hour and 15 minutes later, MIL showed up at the hospital without my mom, my kids, or my grandmother.”
“She said, ‘Well, it’s late, so we need just to let everyone sleep’ (it was 9:30 PM), and then she sat her a** down on the chair in the delivery room and jumped on her phone.”
“I told her in a p**sed-off tone to go get my mom, that was the plan, I needed my mom, etc., etc., and she just wouldn’t, at one point saying that she didn’t feel up to driving that much (my mom lives 20 minutes from her house, an hour away from the hospital).”
The OP lashed out at her mother-in-law.
“So, I told her to get the f**k out of the room and that she was dead to me. The amount of resentment and disgust that I felt toward her in this moment is honestly not something I feel I will overcome any time soon.”
“She was p**sed, saying that my mom got to experience two births already.”
“She argued how she didn’t do anything wrong, and she was ‘just being respectful of people’s sleep,’ and when she wasn’t leaving, she was actually escorted out.”
“Now, my mom was able to make it to the hospital literally just as I was giving birth. My kids and my grandmother weren’t able to make it, which bothers me a great deal (we promised our kids they would be the first to meet their sister, outside of us and Gram).”
“I cannot forgive my MIL for this at all. I honestly feel like I hate her with every fiber of my being.”
“But I’m being told I’m taking this too far and that it wasn’t that big of a deal.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP she was NTA and that her mother-in-law was wrong and selfish.
“NTA.”
“It was an a**hole move to change the plan like that without communicating.”
“It was a bigger a**hole move deal to refuse to go back to the original plan.”
“And it was a HUGE a**hole move to refuse to leave the hospital room, forcing herself into your most vulnerable moment.”
“That b***h tripled DOWN.” – BartleBossy
“She is a disgusting person through and through. She took advantage of you being in an emergency medical situation to change and manipulate plans for her own self-absorbed reasons, to keep a mother away from her daughter who needed her.”
“I’m glad you had her escorted out, and I certainly wouldn’t be able to be around such a manipulative narcissist ever again. NTA.” – hoginlly
“NTA. She robbed you of your safety and support person for the birth, raising your stress levels and putting you and the baby in danger. She would be dead to me and the three kids, too.” – Haunting-Aardvark709
“NTA!”
“Your MIL made this very much about herself and did not want to be inconvenienced. There was going to be a 50/50 chance that this was going to be a night birth, and she should have never signed up for these responsibilities.”
“If it was me, she’d be out of the hospital and not coming anywhere near my room.” – Puzzleheaded-Mix1270
“NTA obviously, although I also think the people here saying this put anyone’s life in danger are really overstating things. It sounds disrespectful and poorly handled on her part.”
“On the other hand, your new baby probably benefits from having their grandparent in their life regardless of what happened here, so actually writing her out of your life seems like a bad idea to me.”
“A ruined birth plan isn’t a great cause for f**king with your kid’s family support structure.” – snarky00
“NTA. She knew the plan. Your feelings may not be as extreme when you’re more settled down, but that’s something you just can’t forgive. She was inconsiderate, then had the balls to say no and sat on her phone when she got there.”
“I definitely probs would have been like you there haha, get my mum or just leave. It was your body on display and going through it all, not hers.” – ladyylana
“NTA. It’s pretty obvious she did this purposefully because she’s resentful your mother was at the first two births and she wasn’t. Her excuse is bulls**t. It was 9:30 at night, not 3:00 AM!”
“I would be livid as well! Personally, I’d go low contact or no contact with her until she is able to fully understand how wrong she was for pulling that bulls**t.” – MainEgg320
“NTA. What she did was so extremely out of line that she deserves to be cut out for a while.”
“OP, this sinister woman did this on purpose. She wanted to be your family’s ride so she could cut them out because she’s jealous of your mother. The way it all played out was extremely obvious.”
“She needs to experience consequences. Show this entitled piece of work that she isn’t above anyone, certainly not the mother going through labor.” – Agitated_Fun_7628
Others felt that the OP overreacted to the situation.
“YTA and ESH. Your MIL shouldn’t have promised to follow your list of commands and then deviate from that plan when you’re in labor.”
“But also, labor can go on for hours. You really expected your kids to spend that time in the hospital waiting room? Nodding off? And your grandmother (in her 70s I’m guessing) to wrangle them? That’s ridiculous and someone should have told you so. YTA.” – Competitive_Charge_6
“YTA for saying she’s dead to you. She made a terrible decision, but she’s still the person who brought your husband into the world.”
“Your birth experience wasn’t ruined, other provisions were made, and the baby was born. Understandably, you threw your MIL out because she was jealous of the other birth experiences and wanted this one to herself.”
“Someday, you will be a MIL, and though you think you’re being a good one, your DIL or SIL may have a different opinion. It happens!!” – Personal_Koala2578
“YTA. It sucks that it didn’t go your way because it sounds like a stressful situation but… This was a terrible plan that fell apart. If you didn’t want your MIL there, then that’s fine; she could have babysat.”
“Were your two kids going to sleep in the waiting room? Labor can last 24 hours (mine did!). My mom and husband were there for my labor and had to rotate between a tiny couch and table chair, and I felt so bad for them… I couldn’t imagine bringing three adults and two kids to a hospital and having them sit tight during the birth… other than hubs and mom, everyone can come when it’s done.”
“Why couldn’t your mom or grandma drive themselves? Or you grab them en route? This just seemed like something your mil agreed to under Durress and backed out of when it was clearly the wrong call.” – Fluffy-Shelter-1258
“Are you certain your MIL isn’t covering for your mom for some reason and willing to take the fall for it? It seems from the way you described it that there’s something you’re not being told, especially since the other members of the party didn’t come either.”
“Maybe not covering for your mom but someone else, like maybe grandma didn’t want to haul herself and two kids to the hospital late at night to wait for what could be hours, and they all had a back-and-forth about it, so MIL decided to go and play offense for a little bit.”
“Even if none of this is true, I think you’re being far too dramatic about it and not focusing on the right things: your new baby. In the end, your mom did get there, your kids can understand that sometimes things don’t go as planned in an emergency but they have a lifetime with their new sibling to look forward to, and the family is all healthy and happy.”
“Cutting MIL out forever is excessive. You can be annoyed, but nothing bad actually ended up happening, and you need to worry about other things right now, including the new baby and his siblings not having childhood memories of mommy hating grandma.”
“I’m sorry, but I have to give this one as, YTA.” – pm_nachos_n_tacos
“I think you’re being overly dramatic. I get that it wasn’t the plan, and she’s your support, but who’s your husband to you then? I will never understand people who want a whole big audience for their kid’s birth. I bet deep down not everyone wants to really be there.”
“Your MIL is right. It was late at night… why wake up these people for your selfishness? How many babies are born every hour of the day all over the world without their grandmas by their side? A lot. And life goes on but in your case, you’ve burned a bridge with your MIL. Kind of silly, in my opinion.” – Travel-Monkey
The subReddit was happy to empathize with the OP about her birth plan not going according to plans, and they agreed that the mother-in-law had clearly made a mistake, prioritizing what she believed to be a better plan than the one the OP had come up with.
But they were more resistant to how the OP reacted and thought banning her mother-in-law for her and her children’s lives was a bit too much.
It was clear the family needed to discuss boundaries and respect for each other’s desires in order for them to be able to work together going forward. If the OP’s mother-in-law was unwilling to listen, then it might actually be time to take a step back.