Being lactose-intolerant can be a difficult problem to manage.
But it's not impossible.
However, dairy is everywhere.
Thankfully, there are many dairy-free options nowadays.
But now and again, people find themselves face-to-face with a nice piece of pizza.
And that pizza can be far too tempting.
Redditor throwawaydad12393883 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for taking my son to a pizza restaurant?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hello. I am a single dad (35 M[ale]) with two kids (12 F[emale] and 8 M)."
"I have a pretty good relationship with my ex."
"It was my daughter's birthday last Saturday, and when I asked her what she wanted to do for her birthday, she said she wanted to go to a pizza restaurant for dinner with a couple of her friends and then take them back to my house for a sleepover."
"This isn't exactly a very big extravagant party, so I said, of course, and that was that."
"Now here's some context: my son is lactose intolerant, and eating or drinking anything containing dairy wrecks his stomach, but it's not like a deadly allergy, just diarrhea and occasionally vomiting."
"He can't eat pizza."
"Obviously, I couldn't leave him at home, so I told him he would have to come with us."
"Fast forward to the day, and everything is going fine."
"I ordered my son some fries and some other nice sides like dough balls and stuff that he could eat."
"He seemed happy."
"My daughter was happy."
"I thought it had gone perfectly."
"Then a few days later, my ex texted me saying, 'I can't believe you took [son's name] to a pizza restaurant! You know how much he misses it!'"
"I replied that I thought it was fine and he'd still got a nice meal, but she said he felt 'excluded' and like he was an odd one out."
"She said I could have dropped him off at her place, and she could have looked after him for the evening or even hired a babysitter or something because apparently, he found the whole thing 'humiliating.'"
"Also 'there was a risk of cross-contamination and he shouldn't be allowed to just go to random restaurants.'"
"So now I feel bad and I realize maybe he did feel a little different."
"But I didn't realize it had upset him so much."
"I really feel the dad guilt right now haha 🥲😅."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So uh, AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. I'm lactose intolerant, too, so let me correct this misconception..."
"My son is lactose intolerant, and eating or drinking anything containing dairy wrecks his stomach but it's not like a deadly allergy, just diarrhea and occasionally vomiting.""He can't eat pizza."
"Your son can still eat pizza."
"Many places have plant-based cheeses they can use to make dairy-free pizza, and even the ones that don't will leave the cheese off the pizza if you ask them to."
"From personal experience, I can tell you that while these pizzas aren't quite as good as the real deal, they're still pretty good."
"Your wife is being completely unreasonable."
"He felt excluded eating dough balls, but he wouldn't have felt excluded being dropped off at home before the party?"
"Where's the logic in that?" ~ SomeoneYouDontKnow70
"NTA. I would 100% ask your son without his mother around about how he actually felt about it."
"She might have heard about the restaurant and forced the position on him a bit."
"All in all, lactose intolerance from my understanding doesn't really go away."
"It's important for him to learn now that just because he can't have dairy doesn't mean that he's the odd one out."
"Plenty of children with allergies and intolerances still participate in parties and such with friends."
"Essentially, what exactly is going to happen from here?"
"He just won't go to parties where dairy (an extremely common food group) will be?"
"Beyond that, the 'cross-contamination' comment is wild."
"He doesn't have an anaphylactic allergy, and dairy is relatively easy to avoid with safe foods such as the ones you chose."
"I think you're teaching your son important lessons, like how to choose foods when in a 'dairy-centric' sort of restaurant, and also that just because you need to eat differently doesn't make you weird and certainly shouldn't be humiliating."
"Please keep including your son in these types of experiences (obviously to his comfort level), and make sure you are having conversations so his mother doesn't (accidentally or not) put this negative view on going to parties with dairy options."
"Also, maybe find a family member or friend with lactose intolerance that would speak to him or that you can speak about so he knows how common and absolutely manageable lactose intolerance is."
"Keep up the good work Dad and good luck with everything!" ~ AffectionateTry6175
"NTA. Your son's food restrictions have imperfect solutions."
"It wouldn't be a stretch to think he would have felt excluded if he stayed with his mom while you went out with his sister."
"He's going to have to deal with this the rest of his life, as parents you can't make him ever feel excluded, but you can help him manage those feelings and find creative ways to feel included." ~ ricebasket
"NTA. It was your daughter's birthday!!!!"
"You did the right thing by giving her the day she wanted and you still tried to accommodate him."
"Does your ex normally react like this?"
"If not I have a feeling this might have more to do with your daughter being really happy about the party you gave her, and your ex having trouble dealing with that." ~ Ok_Palpitation_37
"Cross-contamination is not really a risk with lactose intolerance, so either your son has a dairy allergy or your wife is nuts."
"If it is just intolerance, cheeseless pizza exists and can easily be ordered, and if you make it at home or order from special restaurants, vegan cheese pizza also exists so you are all being really dramatic over something that is just not that serious."
"NTA - Wife is being ridiculous." ~ starbiebarbie99
"NTA. Your ex is being a nut job."
"There is no cross-contamination for lactose intolerance."
"He eats it or he doesn't."
"If he doesn't, then his tummy is fine."
"And you did not give him any dairy."
"If he has a dairy allergy I can understand her concern about cross-contamination."
"However, that is not what you said."
"So is it her opinion that he should never be allowed to go to a restaurant?"
"You found options for your son to eat and many pizza places often contain plant-based cheese options so in the future look for one of those so your son can also have pizza if that's what he wants."
"I think the biggest thing that needs to happen though is a conversation between you and your son."
"Because I would think she was just defending her child and relaying his feelings if not for the fact that she went so extreme with the nonsense about cross-contamination." ~ Apprehensive_War9612
"Also, you can eat regular pizza if you're lactose intolerant."
"I do it all the time."
"Aged cheeses don't cause distress."
"If it's fresh mozzarella, take Lactaid."
"If Lactaid doesn't work, it might be a dairy/milk allergy rather than lactose intolerance. NTA."
"You provided for your son, and he presumably enjoyed himself." ~ ProfessionalBear4509
"Some cheeses are relatively lactose-free, and they're easier to digest than others."
"The longer they've been aged, the lower the lactose content."
"I can eat pizza with mozzarella, but then I get really bad heartburn a few hours later because, while most of the stuff in the pizza is digestible, the lactose that remains is only digestible by acid-producing bacteria."
"Lactaid helps temporarily, but even that eventually breaks down after an hour or so, at which point the bacteria get to go to town on whatever still remains."
"Granted, it's not the same as having a straight glass of milk."
"That'll have me running for the toilet within the next half hour." ~ SomeoneYouDontKnow70
"NTA. This is a good learning experience for your son."
"He needs to learn that not everything is based around him, and on some occasions, like someone else's birthday, they get to make decisions, even if they aren't what he would have chosen."
"Also, as he grows up, there are going to be plenty of other situations where his friends/classmates/teammates/people that he is with are going to want to get food that contains dairy, like going for pizza, ice cream, etc."
"And he's going to have to learn to deal with those situations and be in those kind of environments." ~ Tdluxon
"NTA. I have a feeling it wasn't as bad as your ex made it sound."
"Your son seemed ok to you and he probably was."
"He misses being able to have dairy but I highly doubt the word humiliating came out of his mouth."
"Have you tried lactaid pills?"
"They're over-the-counter lactose intolerant pills."
"Helps people to have a little dairy if they really want it." ~ FaithCA79
"NTA. As a dad with a child with a similar food issue, one of the things we HAVE to do is get our kids used to figuring out where they can eat when they can't choose the restaurant."
"You made sure your son didn't eat his trigger food AND had somethings, like dough balls, that are delicious and show that you care that he enjoys the meal."
"Now is the time you need to talk to your son without your ex present and ask him how he felt AT the meal."
"It can be disappointing to go to a place that serves an awesome food that we can't eat."
"It's also disappointing to miss out on your sister's birthday meal due to your allergy."
"An 8-year-old is old enough to be having that conversation."
"But after you have the conversation with him without your ex, the three of you need to have it together."
"If your son wasn't acting up AT the meal, then complains about it afterward to mom, it is highly likely that there is some influence or bias there."
"I'm not saying your ex is coaching him."
"I'm saying that her sensitivity to his intolerance might make him more sensitive to it when talking to her about it."
"Keep dadding, fellow dad."
"We got this." ~ rockology_adam
"NTA. You fed him food he could safely eat."
"It's the unfortunate reality that he has some foods he won't be able to eat anymore, and the rest of the world will not get rid of them for him."
"By getting him other foods, he had a silver lining!"
"Perhaps a pizza place with lactose-free or dairy-free cheese for next time?"
"But still NTA here at all." ~ bookworm-mama5
"NTA. I mean, he's an 8 -8-year-old at a party of 12-year-old girls, so yeah, he's going to feel like an odd man out."
"So maybe it wasn't the best time for him."
"Sounds like he wasn't devastated, and it's not like it was his birthday." ~ DuckGold6768
Reddit understands where you're coming from, OP.
You thought you were doing the right thing.
It sounds like it may be time for a serious chat with you, your ex, and your son.
The sooner he learns how to navigate these situations, the better.
It's hard to spend life in hiding from cheese.
It's everywhere.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp