As a patient, being in the hospital is never a good time.
It's especially stressful when one's health issues don't have a quick resolution.
That's why patients depend on loved ones for help and comfort.
But not everyone is able to assist.
Redditor imaricebucket wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for lashing out at my sister for not prioritizing my medical emergency?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I was hospitalized today after losing consciousness and fainting onto the floor twice."
"When I asked my sister (my emergency contact, and she is aware of that) if she could bring me the necessities that I need for my stay, she said, 'Maybe Sunday or Monday,' when it's Thursday."
"I lashed out because this is serious, and I can't even rely on my immediate family members."
"I have never felt so alone after calling the ambulance alone, getting admitted alone, doing everything alone."
"PS: My sister and I are on good terms, it's not like we have bad blood or anything."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole. Many felt that more information would be nice.
"NTA. You clarified that it was only a few km away in another comment."
"In which case, I can't understand her position."
"She needs to go to your home, collect some stuff, go to the hospital, drop it off, done."
"Or ask someone else to do so."
"Sure, it's a mild inconvenience, but not being able to do it for days seems bizarre." ~ squigs
"I did this for a girl in my dorm I'd known for two weeks in our first semester of college."
"She called from the hospital and asked if I could go to her dorm room and get some stuff for her and bring it to the hospital, so of course I did." ~ lawfox32
"NAH. We don't know the sister's situation and if she's able to just drop everything and rush to the hospital."
"I feel for OP, but I wonder if her sister really was the only person she could've called for help." ~ Time-Bee-5069
"INFO: What was her excuse/reason?"
"Outside distance or reasonable excuse from your sister, this depends on what you said while lashing out, but likely NTA."
"I was recently in the hospital for a while, and my family made sure someone was visiting me at every visitation slot. I was asked each time what I needed, and someone brought me a treat every day (nice coffee, a cupcake, etc.)."
"So, unless your sister has a compelling excuse, this seems unimaginable to me."
"What I will say, though, is that lashing out never helps a situation, and one can be in the right but also be an AH for saying more than they meant while lashing out."
"We've all done it." ~ RaeDeclin
"You're so vague about the 'lashing out' part of this story that I'm hesitant to say NTA."
"I have a feeling there is a lot of history here, and something about the way this is written gives me the vibe that you lash out frequently." ~ Dapper_Mess_3004
"NTA. You are not an a**hole for being annoyed that your sister was not there for you."
"Family should gather around to help in an emergency."
"But you do have a totally different understanding of the term emergency contact than I have."
"Maybe it's just me."
"But to me, an emergency contact is if something were to happen to me in work or while out, that is the person that my employer calls or so emergency service at the scene of the accident, the ice contacts on my phone." ~ Competitive_Ease6991
Some Redditors disagreed with OP...
"Kinda YTA."
"You seem to be mistaking the job of your 'emergency contact.'"
"That's the person who gets called by the hospital/EMS when you're incapacitated and unable to speak for yourself so that they can make the important medical decisions about your care."
"That's NOT the same as a 'go-to' person for running your errands and bringing you stuff, which would be any person who has the time and ability to do that for you."
"You're awake and able to make your own phone calls, so call someone else." ~ TrainingDearest
"YTA, you don't lash out at someone who's trying to do you a favor."
"Your sister does not owe you her time."
"It would be nice, yes, but you even said she's very busy with university."
"She's paying a lot of money to be there; missing anything can be costly."
"If you need your stuff that fast, ask someone else." ~ beepbeepboop74656
Reddit continued to weigh in...
"NTA. OP stated the sister lives only 5 kilometers away (less than 3 miles?) and told her she just wasn't sure about her schedule - so no reason not to come on the same day with some pyjamas and a toothbrush."
"Your sister is really failing you for no reason at all."
"I hope you can find someone else to help you." ~ EuropeSusan
"I needed to break this down a bit."
"Because I do have bias because I'm chronically ill."
"You said that the hospital has 2 visiting periods."
"The hospitals I've been to have a morning period after breakfast, then there's a couple of hours before the afternoon/evening period."
"Her classes might have clashed with the visiting periods."
"This is the only scenario that I can think of where there's a reason she didn't drop off necessities."
"But even if that's not the case, you're still NTA."
"Because the hospital sucks. It's awful. And you feel worse when you don't have those items." ~ Gryffindor123
"NTA. I was hospitalized, and a friend dropped in and left their hospital bag, which was amazing."
"It had soft pjs, graphic novels, hairbrush, tampons, snacks, things I can't remember."
"I was so grateful."
"And my boyfriend, who wasn't allowed in when he was able to come, was able to leave stuff with the nurses for me."
"Your sister could have left your stuff at the nurses' station."
"Even if visiting hours were over." ~ Vuirneen
"NTA. My mom was in the hospital last month, and I would have dropped everything to take her anything she needed."
"Fortunately, Dad did since he was visiting her daily."
"If they have patient advocates, ask to speak with them."
"See what the hospital can provide you, and if there's a way for your sister to bring in the items you need outside of visiting slots."
"Even if that means giving them to a nurse who gives them to you."
"Tell your sister she needs to step up."
"I'm calling BS on her not being able to get there until Sunday or Monday."
"She simply doesn't want to be inconvenienced."
"Please look at changing your emergency contact after you're out." ~ ApprehensiveBook4214
"My sister came from another state (2.5 hours away) to visit me in the hospital."
"She then had to drive all the way back."
"It was amazing and absolutely helped with the stress involved after going through a medical emergency and needing to stay in the hospital."
"I'm sorry that your sister can't be bothered."
"You're NTA." ~ Obvious-Beginning943
"I was hospitalized for five days last year, and my brother stayed on the couch next to my hospital bed the whole time, except when he went home to take care of my cats and pick up my plushie for me."
"If you can't rely on your chosen person during a time of emergency, you're functionally alone."
"NTA. But your sister is." ~ Schehezerade
"NTA. I would lash out in your shoes, too."
"It's such a vulnerable time, and you need someone."
"That being said..."
"University is a rough time, and I understand why she thinks she can't get away until the weekend. I'm assuming she's in her 20s?"
"It's a selfish age, unfortunately."
"Is there truly no one else that can be an emergency contact?"
"I'm not sure a person at that age can be totally reliable." ~ Bluester83283
"NTA. I'm sorry she flaked on you."
"If she doesn't know what her schedule is, then nothing on it is all that important."
"She should have been there for you."
"And even if she had a major test that allowed her to have the keys to the kingdom, she still could manage to come to you within a day."
"Planning to arrive 3 or four days later when you don't have anything memorable on your foreseeable schedule is incredibly lame, dismissive, and unhelpful."
"I would ask her to be very honest with you about what was really going on with her."
"Tell her you can't have a close and supportive relationship if you don't know how she really feels and why... and whether that's the level of support you can expect from her in moments like that." ~ swillshop
"NTA. I'm hoping she just didn't understand the gravity of the situation, because that's the only excuse for being so insensitive and useless." ~ Less_Instruction_345
"NTA - it might be time to discuss with your sister whether or not she's ready to be your emergency contact." ~ EdithVinger
OP returned to chat...
"Since a lot of you are asking, the only reason she gave was 'I wasn't sure about my schedule,' and I completely understand that since she's still attending University, she must have a busy schedule, but it's not like she couldn't show up at any of the visit slots (there are two per day)."
"Also, she's not living that far away and doesn't have other responsibilities as some of you suggested."
Most of Reddit is with you, OP.
More information would be helpful, but overall, everyone seems to be aligned with your feelings.
It sounds like it might be time to update your emergency contact information.
Hopefully, your good health will be restored quickly.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp