Grief can seem like a never-ending life process.
There is no perfect way to grieve a loved one.
And it doesn’t matter who that loved one is.
They could’ve been a lover, a friend, or a pet.
It can take a lot of time to say goodbye.
Redditor Overall_Tomato_6664 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for refusing to let my girlfriend bring her dead dog’s ashes on vacation?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My G[irl]F[riend] (29 F[eamle]) and I (28 M[ale]) have been together for four months.”
“She had a dog that died a few months before we met.”
“I have only ever spent the night at her place.”
“I live with my sister and her two kids, so it’s a little chaotic at my place.”
“GF has a small (2-3 inches tall) urn on her bedside table with the dog’s ashes.”
“Before she turns off her lamp to go to sleep, she always gives it a little tap on the top and says ‘Goodnight,’ as though she is talking to the dog.”
“I think it’s weird, but I have never said anything.”
“We were supposed to go away for the weekend.”
“On Friday, I was watching her pack, and noticed she took the urn and put it in the top pocket of her backpack.”
“I asked what she was doing.”
“She said she didn’t want to ‘leave the dog behind.'”
“I told her she was not allowed to bring the urn as it made me very uncomfortable.”
“I didn’t want to see it every time we returned to our hotel room.”
“I didn’t want her talking to her dead dog after we’ve had sex (ie, before we go to sleep).”
“It’s weird, and frankly, she’s been mourning this dog for too long.”
“She didn’t argue.”
“She simply started to unpack her bag.”
“She told me to have fun on the weekend getaway, as she would not be coming.”
“I asked if she was seriously choosing a dog’s ashes over me.”
“She said she was choosing herself over me, as I could have spoken to her with kindness and empathy, but didn’t.”
“She also said that I didn’t get to dictate how long she’s allowed to grieve.”
“Then she asked me to leave.”
“The hotel was non-refundable and only a three-hour drive, so I went on the trip without her.”
“She hasn’t replied to my texts.”
“I think she’s overreacting.”
“My sister said she can see both of our sides.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Am I an a**hole for thinking my GF is weird for being so attached to her dead dog’s ashes?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
“Damn, you can tell she’s been in therapy.”
“She didn’t argue, didn’t fight, didn’t even engage.”
“Plus she correctly reflected his BS (phrasing it as ‘choosing the dog’s ashes’) right back at him with ‘No, I’m choosing myself.'”
“Then she just asked him to leave and probably took a bath with no f**ks given.”
“OP’s ex-girlfriend is GOALS.
“GOALS, y’all.”
“May we all be this awesome to ourselves.”
“How much Valium would I need to be this awesome and chill?”
“I need her number.”
“I want her to be my friend.” ~ KCarriere
OP came back to add some context:
“She started seeing a psychologist around the same time we started dating.”
“She hasn’t told me any specifics, but she said the trauma of suddenly losing her dog brought to the surface other trauma in her past.”
“This is why I think she has been mourning for too long.”
“She is still attached to the dog, even after seeing a professional regularly for several months.”
“And I’m sure this will make a lot of you happy: I get it; I’m an **hole.”
“I texted my GF to say I’m sorry for how I spoke to her and for dismissing her feelings.”
“It was wrong.”
“I also said I would like to apologize in person, and offered to bring over her favorite take out.”
“She said ‘All good. Don’t worry about an in-person apology. I gathered the things you’ve left at my house. Let me know when you would like to come pick them up.'”
“I’m hoping she will still hear me out when I go to her place.”
“To those saying my girlfriend is a lunatic, a sociopath, unhinged, a trauma dumper, has endless emotional baggage, in need of a mental institution, etc, please stop that.”
“While I and others may not understand what she is going through, that doesn’t automatically make her mentally unstable.”
“She has a good heart and a good head on her shoulders.”
“Name calling is unnecessary and borderline crueler than I was.”
“I shared this post with her, thinking it might help her see that I was wrong and am owning it, and maybe it would open the door to a discussion.”
“That blew up in my face.”
“I probably should have deleted some of the questionable comments I made in this thread.”
“She texted to say: ‘Your things are now in a garbage bag on the porch. Pick them up sooner than later so they aren’t stolen. Goodbye [my name]. Please respect my wishes and don’t text me anymore.'”
Reddit continued to weigh in.
“Obviously YTA, OP.”
“And apparently, not going on the trip followed by not replying to your texts weren’t enough ‘hints’ for you.”
“She’s not your girlfriend.”
“She’s just somebody that you used to know.”
“YES, QUEEN!!”
“He offered to apologize and she said no worries, it’s all good, let me know when you want to come pick up your things.”
“She ain’t even bothered.”
“No f**ks to give.”
“She had moved on and written off the money she paid for half that vacation before she even had her clothes put away.”
“MENTAL HEALTH GODDESS. We need little necklaces with her face on them.”
“We all deserve to treat ourselves so well.” ~ KCarriere
“Yeah like… It’s been less than a year, it sounds like.”
“I lost my dog about 9 months ago and I continue to regret that I couldn’t afford to have him cremated.”
“Would I talk to his ashes?”
“No, probably not.”
“But my husband and I still talk about him.”
“We have cried in the last week, remembering what a good boy he was and how much of a hole he left in our hearts and family.”
“This isn’t even an ‘oh childless millennials and their dogs.'”
“We have children.”
“Galahad was still a member of our family.”
“You could have mentioned, kindly, that you don’t really understand her grieving process, and maybe she doesn’t want to take the urn where it could get lost or broken.”
“But you chose to be really dismissive about something that has clearly affected her deeply, and that she is already trying to process in a healthy manner.”
“So yeah YTA.” ~ KitLlwynog
“I lost my childhood cat years ago.”
“I still cry if I look at her photos or talk about her.”
“She was my best friend and got me through so much as a child.”
“I have a little bag of her fur and a memento from the vets who cared for her at the end, and I’ll never let those go.”
“Grief has no expiration date.”
“And OP is a jerk.” ~ reptilenews
“Her dead dog is still protecting her from bad people in her life, good on him.”
“He had to have been an amazing pet to her to protect her in spirit still.”
“She is grieving.”
“And you cannot control her.”
“Please let her go so she can find someone who respects her.” ~ Rohini_rambles
“YTA. This was not the way to handle this issue.”
“If you know she’s still mourning her lost pet, and she’s developed these routines to help her cope with that issue; you can’t expect her to just drop those things on a whim, vacation or no.”
“If you were uncomfortable with this behavior and didn’t want it to occur on vacation, you should have had a conversation about it well before she was literally packing her bag.”
“I can’t speak to how long it’s taking her to grieve, but it doesn’t strike me as crazy that 5-6 months on someone might still be having difficulty with coping with a death.”
“Perhaps she is grieving too long, perhaps not.”
“If you’re right, she needs some kind of help to get past this difficult moment, not an ultimatum.”
“Whether you intended to or not, you basically told her she needs to get over it; and worse, she needs to get over it not for her own wellbeing, but for your comfort.”
“F**k her I guess?”
“Really what reaction were you expecting?” ~ Narkareth
“Seriously. I’m 3 months post losing my kitty boy of 20 years, and I’m bawling several times a day.”
“And I had YEARS to prepare for his death.”
“If someone said that to me, that would be the last thing they ever got to say to me, and I’d be choosing kindness to myself every day after by blocking them.” ~ DMmeDuckPics
“My fiancée only knew my dog for a couple of months before he suddenly passed, and my dog’s ashes have been sitting in my office for a while now — but before that they were next to my bed, and I also would give him ‘good night kisses.'”
“This year I decided to make an ofrenda to honor him, for that my fiancée printed out his picture for the frame and helped me set up the rest.”
“He also celebrates his birthday with me, and finds ways to cheer me up on the anniversary of his death.”
“My dog died SIX YEARS AGO!!”
“Take that as a long way of me saying definitely YTA, dude.” ~ Famous-Suspect5231
“YTA. When my cat died, I kept his paw print keepsake next to my bed for months and said goodnight to it.”
“Weird, maybe. Probably.”
“But no one gets to dictate the grieving process for someone else.”
“One day I moved the paw print and that was that.”
“It sounds like a tiny urn so I’m not sure why this is such a massive inconvenience for you.”
“She’s going to move on eventually, on her own time.”
“Unless she’s spending hours a day worshipping a large shrine to her deceased pet, I think you need to let this one go.” ~ amyb10045
“YTA. She had a much longer and deeper relationship with that dog than she’s had with you so far.”
“You have no idea what she may have gone through as far as shared experiences and support with this pup.”
“To demand that she not take the ashes with her because it makes you ‘uncomfortable,’ can you explain how it has any impact on your life?”
“Or to make yourself the ultimate decider on how long it’s appropriate to grieve (only 6-7 months) shows a complete lack of respect for her as a whole, grown person.” ~ depemo
“YTA. I’d have nope’d out of that relationship the minute you said the word ‘allow’ in context of what I do. “
“Is her grief excessive?”
“Maybe, maybe not.”
“Do you have the right to set boundaries for what you’re comfortable with? Yes.”
“But you don’t get to decide how she feels or how she grieves, any more than she gets to tell you how to feel.”
“She has decided you’re not compatible (I’m guessing there are other reasons beyond this one instance).”
“Accept it and move on.” ~ Artistic_Ad_9882
“YTA. Taking the urn just to take it (not spreading ashes) is a little much, I agree.”
“But everything about the way your post is written is completely self-absorbed.”
“I specifically hate the part in your post where you say you don’t want her saying goodnight to the dog after you two have sex (i.e. before she goes to bed).”
“It’s actually almost impressive how you can take another human’s night routine and find the one part you were involved in to make it about yourself.” ~ hellof**kingjulie
“YTA – I lost my childhood dog almost 3 years ago now, and I still talk to her urn.”
“I still think about her every day.”
“I still feel the pain.”
“She was like a little sister to me growing up.”
“You don’t get to tell someone to get over their dead dog.” ~ Open_Bake_8013
“YTA. You do not get to ‘allow’ anything.”
“It doesn’t matter if she needs to move on or if it is unhealthy.”
“You do not get to dictate rules to another person.”
“Glad she didn’t let you get away with such terrible behavior.” ~ Elegant_Bluebird_460
“Yeah, YTA. Her ‘weird’ way of mourning her deceased pet doesn’t hurt you in any way.” ~ amethystjade15
This is quite the situation you got yourself into, OP.
It’s nice to hear that you saw the error of your ways.
Reddit was brutally honest, and you made it a learning lesson.
Take all of this into your next relationship so you can do better.
Good luck in the future.