People have all sorts of unique ways of remembering their loved ones, from photos and knick-knacks to special traditions.
But sometimes, the people around us won’t really understand or appreciate the ways we carry on memories, pointed out the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor AgitatedMagpie still missed her late grandmother but took comfort in the fact that she was still caring for the sourdough starter her grandmother started, creating bread from it, and feeding her family with it.
When her mother-in-law accidentally threw the starter away, the Original Poster (OP) was devastated, and even more hurt that her husband did not understand why it was such a loss.
They asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting for being devastated that my mother-in-law (MIL) threw out my grandmother’s sourdough starter?”
The OP had a special sourdough starter from her late grandmother.
“I had a sourdough starter that was about seven years old and was taken from a discard of my grandmother’s starter.”
“It’s old and sentimental, and I’ve kept it alive through some really tough times for me.”
The OP’s mother-in-law stopped by to help with a few things while her baby slept.
“My mother-in-law came around to babysit my daughter, who is eight months.”
“She napped most of the time she was here, so my MIL graciously did a few loads of washing and cleaned our kitchen and floors.”
“I was and still am very grateful. I thanked her profusely.”
After she left, the OP realized her mother-in-law did the unthinkable.Â
“Once my mother-in-law had left, I noticed the starter jar had been cleaned.”
“I checked around, hoping she’d maybe fed it and put it in a clean jar.”
“But this wasn’t the case. I didn’t expect this to be the case, as she doesn’t bake and doesn’t really have any idea how sourdough bread is made.”
The OP needed time to grieve.
“My husband got home from work, and I told him I needed a few minutes. I went into our room and had a big cry. I was mourning the starter as it was the last tangible part of my grandmother I had.”
“I didn’t contact my mother-in-law about it, but I needed to get it out.”
“My husband said I was being very dramatic over what is just flour and water.”
“I don’t think I’m overreacting, but my husband has made me second-guess myself.”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some completely understood why the OP was grieving what happened.
“It’s a living collection of cells. Some even have names. This one went back to your Gran’s starter? NOR. I would mourn too.”
‘To everyone who doesn’t understand, imagine if it was a plant, like, a fruit tree that grew in her grandma’s garden. Her grandmother gave her a cutting from her tree and OP propagated it into a new (clone) of that fruit tree, and it helped feed her and her growing family for years. MIL chopped down that tree and set it on fire.”
“OP, is there a chance that you froze some, or another relative got some from your Gran so you could replace it? I’m so sorry. Hugs!” – Half_Life976
“Absolutely not overreacting. I wouldn’t be mad at MIL but I would be devastated.” – Positive-Ad540
“I had a similar situation and this is how I felt.”
“My grandma had a stash of presents before she passed, and the Christmas after she passed, I got a set of mixing bowls from her. I meant a lot because she was already gone.”
“A couple of years ago, my partner was putting away clean dishes, and it fell and broke. No anger, just mourning.” – seravellemist
“My partner has trashed a lot of stuff from my dead grandma, including a vintage pitcher that is basically irreplaceable. I’m not mad, but I am definitely irritated.”
“I think he could handle a lot of old things with more care. And I don’t know why he can’t break our new s**tty stuff, rather than these vintage heirloom type items.” – CoconutPawz
“When my grandma died almost a decade ago, I took this ginger and green onion mix she made, used for chicken. I didn’t eat it, I just kept it.”
“It’s long since molded, and I’ve put tape along the lid so no one opens it by accident, but I also refuse to throw it away, despite what my husband claims to be biohazardous status (he’s not wrong).”
“I’m not ready to let go of that part of her yet, and like I said, it’s been a decade.”
“So no, I don’t think you’re overreacting.” – HRDBMW
“OP, I AM about to cry because you lost your gma’s starter. Devastating and practically a living historical artifact just gone.”
“Sourdough starters are LEGENDARY and the foundation of why we even have internationally known and loved bread that generations have made and passed down to each other. There should be museums to showcase foods and other hand me down history that is easily lost.”
“At this point, you’re not the first starter I’ve seen lost to dumb mistakes and rude people touching others’ things. We need a sourdough starter database/ laboratory that all of us sends a bit of our starter to, to be preserved and protected, and if we even lose it, we can call the lab and have them send us part of ours back, lol.” – Ryoko_Kusanagi69
Others questioned why the mother-in-law threw away anything in the OP’s kitchen.
“NOR, but I honestly don’t understand why she wouldn’t have asked why you had a jar of goop before throwing it away.” – Murderhornet212
“This is exactly why I don’t want other people futzing about my home and binning stuff on my behalf. I’d be really angry, honestly. Does MIL think that OP just leaves jars of gunk around the home, or something?”
“You never throw away anything in someone else’s home without asking first. I wouldn’t even toss out junk mail or an empty box; if it’s sitting out, I assume there might be a good reason for it and leave it be.” – boudicas_shield
“It’s not like most people go into another’s kitchen and just start throwing unknown items away. That was disrespectful in itself. I would never do that at my DIL and son’s home.” – Shadow4summer
“NOR, but why would she do that to begin with? If anything, I’d probably question it and leave it be if I decided to help myself to cleaning out someone’s refrigerator. I would be furious at the overstepping.” – Decent_Front4647
“I have really bad OCD and a serious family history of hoarding. My mom once threw away a hand-signed calendar that had followed me through a divorce, and when I found out, I wailed.”
“She had no idea, since it was left in my car through two moves (I was trying to keep it safe) and my car had been absolutely trashed by someone I lent it to, but I was devastated. It still hurts to this day.”
“Dismissing someone’s feelings just because you don’t understand them is one of the most toxic traits to me.” – Jelliebean71
Some called out the OP’s husband for being so dismissive of something the OP cared about.
“Your husband obviously doesn’t understand much about bread and baking and a sourdough starter. In this case, he is being thoughtless and inconsiderate.”
“You should be allowed the space to feel your feelings, regardless of whether he understands or thinks they’re reasonable. To belittle a sourdough starter as just flour and water when you have been nurturing it probably daily for seven years, is him being willfully ignorant, or woefully thoughtless.”
“And either way, his opinion should be regarded as the mucous byproduct it is, and not as something that should be respected. NOR.” – bakedbaker319
“Your husband shouldn’t be so dismissive. What? Like you cry for fun or something? Obviously, you are hurting, and he should offer you comfort, not make fun of you and insult you.” – jjjjjjj30
“Absolutely NOR. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. That kind of connection to a deceased loved one can feel like grieving all over again. I hope your husband realizes he’s being cruel by telling you you’re overreacting. Your MIL meant well, but you are right to grieve.” – Sami_George
“You’re not overreacting for mourning after losing a tangible representation of something sentimental to you. That’s normal, and the situation that you just described is incredibly unfortunate.”
“Additionally, your husband’s response is not great. Accident or not, flour and water or not, he should be extremely sympathetic and apologetic for the fact that this happened. Because it is very upsetting, and your partner should be emotionally supportive during things like this.”
“You would be overreacting, however, if you take this to your mother-in-law and hold it against her. A sourdough starter is not common sense. To the untrained eye, it looks like literal old mold in a jar. I would never be surprised if someone new to my house threw away my sourdough starter.”
“If you were to message the mother-in-law and bring it up so she has to issue an apology, or try to use it as something to weaponize against your mother-in-law’s character, then you’re overreacting.”
“Based on your post, I don’t think you have, and I don’t think you should. This is an unfortunate situation all around, and you’re not wrong to be upset about it. But while sentimental items are meaningful, they are still just items.”
“In today’s world, anything can happen to things kept in your house. Accidents happen, things break, and that’s just part of life. You could accidentally knock the jar over one day, or something completely out of your control could destroy it.”Â
“But your connection to your grandma exists beyond a material object.” – Key_Bath_9005
“It’s always amazing how some folks can’t understand sentimentality unless it’s theirs.”
“I don’t think MIL did it intentionally. It’s the husband’s reaction that’s upsetting.”
“Unless your husband hated the jar and always secretly wanted it gone (experienced someone like this, a separate issue altogether), what is so hard about giving comfort? Even if you don’t get it, it doesn’t take anything to give a hug and an, ‘I’m so sorry, I know it meant a lot to you and was a piece of your grandma.'”
“If anyone reading is so dense that they can’t think of what to say in those moments, listen and just repeat what the hurt person is saying. Context clues are right there. If you can’t do that, a big hug and silence is just as great. Compassion is not hard to do.” – Soup-Mother5709
After receiving feedback, the OP updated the post, grateful to have been heard.
“Thank you, everyone, for the comments. My husband is getting a lot of well-deserved snark. After I called him out on being an a**, he did apologise and take the baby out so I could have some time to myself.”
“He returned home with some starter from his friend’s wife, who he remembered I gave some starter to a few years ago, and a five kilogram bag of my favourite flour. She’s been keeping it in her fridge and feeding it very rarely, so it will take some time, but I think I can get it into good shape, especially knowing that it’s my grandmother’s.”
“To my horror, he also called him mum to explain what happened, and she was very apologetic as expected. She’s turned up here (not unexpected, she was invited) this morning with two ‘nice jars, with labels! So you can display the starter.'”
“I’m happy to have some of the starter back, still a little sad it’s not been in my care the last two years. My mother-in-law has been nothing but lovely, and my husband has been a lot more understanding and comforting of this since.”
The subReddit grieved on the OP’s behalf, understanding the hurt she experienced when she lost that little bit of her grandmother’s memory.
Fortunately, her husband apologized, her mother-in-law made amends for the accident, and she’d been able to acquire some of the starter that she previously shared with a friend, so she could continue her grandmother’s tradition.
Everything worked out for the best, but it’s a great reminder not to throw away things in other people’s houses without asking first, and of course, to be supportive when we don’t understand something, like sourdough starter.