In this day and age, parents are not obligated to pay for their children’s weddings.
A lot of parents can’t afford it.
Weddings are expensive.
In order to secure the funding, some parents who shell out the cash have caveats about the event.
This can make for a difficult situation.
Redditor Wonderful_Mode_9646 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for not paying for my daughter’s wedding because she isn’t following the rules even though I paid for my older kids?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My wife and I have always told all of our kids that we will be willing to pay for their wedding if they follow a few rules.”
“The entire family has to be invited (exceptions if something major happened).”
“The wedding can not be a destination wedding (if all your guests need to get on a plane, basically, and leave the country).”
“Immediate family gets a plus one even if they are not dating someone.”
“Overall, the rules are not that hard to follow in my opinion.”
‘My daughter (31 F[emale]) is marrying Cindy (34 F), and they have picked out a venue and are working on the guest list.”
“They both know the rules if they want me to pay.”
“My daughter informed me yesterday that the wedding will be child-free.”
“I told her that goes against one of the rules of me paying. “
‘That all family must be invited (yes, that includes the kids).”
“We had a sit-down conversation where she tried to convince me to still pay even if it was child-free.”
“She wants it to be child free becuase she wants it to be an elegant event, and her Cindy doesn’t like kids that much because she experienced parentification as a kid.”
“I told her I would think about it, and my decision was no.”
“I informed both of them, and in short, they are quite mad.”
“I made it clear that they can do that type of wedding if they want, but I just won’t be paying for it.”
“My daughter is pissed and saying it is unfair because her siblings got a free wedding.”
“I pointed out that they followed my rules on this.”
“Everyone is pissed basically.”
The OP added some details.
“Another question: why don’t Cindy’s parents pay for it- they are the type of parents who don’t give money for a wedding (yes, they will be there).”
“Big on if you are old enough to get married, then you should pay for it, people.”
“Since I am seeing this a lot, Cindy has been to many events with kids.”
“She even babysat before.”
“She personally doesn’t want children, but has been fine around kids before.”
“Did other kids have issues with the rules?”
“Only my middle son/D[augter]-I[n]-L[aw].”
“They wanted an Italian wedding but decided against it after I informed them I wouldn’t pay.”
“They can still do a child-free wedding if they want, just means they won’t get 50k-100k from me.”
“They will need to pay for it themselves.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“I don’t think you are THE a**hole in this situation.”
“But I do think you sound like AN a**hole.” ~ batmanpjpants
“It isn’t a gift to the children.”
“Its an invitation to make their wedding an official family event, therefore qualifying for family funding.”
“It’s not like the option to take the $, follow the rules, come in under budget, and keep the remainder was ever on the table.”
“Being willing to pay for a family celebration everyone can come to, but not a private party for one family member, is not inconsistent or unreasonable.”
“Most people would never spend 100k on a wedding, maybe some people would on an inclusive family event, but little else.” ~ ItchyDoggg
“I love how you phrased this!”
“He’s willing to pay for the wedding as long as it’s an actual family event.”
“Once large portions of the family start getting excluded, it’s not a family event anymore, and he’s not willing to pay.”
“He’s not dictating anything but some additions to the invite list and general geographic locations.” ~ SnailandPepper
“I don’t know how many of you guys realize that excluding children from weddings also often excludes their mothers.”
“Not everyone has reliable access to childcare, especially at a wedding where all the family is already invited.”
“NTA, most of us paid for our own weddings and are fine, it’s nice of you to pay any at all.” ~ SnailandPepper
“I am a mother who has missed child-free weddings before for this reason, and I have always been disappointed I missed out.”
“It’s not a nice feeling, however, if someone needs to be disappointed/unhappy, it shouldn’t be the brides!”
“I would rather not go than bring my children somewhere they aren’t welcome, and worse, unknowingly upset the couple on their happy day.” ~ underthe_raydar
“Clear NTA, she knew the rules going in.”
“She has to decide what’s more important to her, a dream wedding or a paid-for wedding, because she can’t have both.”
“It’s possible her siblings also made compromises they didn’t want to make in order to have their weddings paid for, so it would be unfair to twist the rules for the last sibling.”
“Take the a**hole votes you’ll get with a grain of salt, Reddit hates kids.” ~ ZooAnimalOnWheels
“NTA. Kids are not entitled to their parents to pay for their wedding.”
“If you have conditions, then you have conditions (you are the one dropping 50k or more).”
“These aren’t crazy either.”
“If they don’t want to follow them, then they can pay for their own wedding.” ~ SoccerProblem3547
“This. Children are not entitled to weddings paid for by their parents!!”
“It is unbelievably kind for a parent to do, but if the parents are paying, then DUH, they get some say in how it goes.”
“I didn’t understand til I got married how important that day was for my parents, too – how much it meant to them to celebrate this happiness.”
“And that made it MORE special to me, not less.”
“And these three rules are just not that big a deal!!” ~ OutrageousBrush1210
“You’re allowed to have whatever rules you want, but don’t be surprised if your daughter goes low contact after this, or even if you don’t get a wedding invitation.”
“It’s such a weird hill to die on.”
“Don’t you want your daughter to have the wedding she wants?”
“Don’t you want to welcome your future daughter-in-law?”
“I guess you need to decide which is more important to you: having children at the wedding or supporting your own child.”
“She’s asking for something reasonable, so while you are perfectly allowed to decline to pay, there’s no way it won’t cause a rift.” ~ GoldInTheSummertime
“NTA. My money, my rules.”
“Heck, in my thirties, we paid for our own wedding because we then got to make up all the rules.”
“Parents who pay for weddings often come with strings like not that dress, yes this pastor, and these are my extra business guests you don’t know.”
“Your daughter and her fiancé are in their 30s.”
“They can pay for their own wedding and have it exactly the way they want.” ~ tanookiisasquirrel
“NTA. If your other children have all abided by these rules and had children at their weddings, then your daughter should have to follow them too.”
“I’d say if you wanted to, you could give her a smaller monetary contribution to the child-free wedding rather than paying for the whole thing.”
“Like, instead of paying for a 40k wedding, you could give her 10k as a ‘gift’ that she can either put towards the wedding or her honeymoon or whatever she wants.” ~ O4243G
“NTA. You set rules for your willingness to pay for a wedding, and you’re applying them equally.”
“Your daughter can take your offer or leave it and pay for her own wedding without your restrictions.”
“Would you be willing to set up a children’s area as a compromise?”
“Hire a sitter or two for the younger kids and set up a separate area with toys, games, and a place for the young ones to rest.”
“That will be more fun for the kids and allow for a mostly child-free vibe at the reception and ceremony.” ~ Any_Yogurtcloset7865
“NTA. You have been very clear for what I assume to be years that if they want to use your money for an expensive social event, then they have to follow some pretty simple, basic rules.”
“The rules you have put forth are not about control; they are about community. In no way are you dictating where the venue is, other than it being a non-destination.”
“You are not dictating dress, color, food, or who your daughter marries.”
“You are simply saying if you want to use my money, then you have to include family, and kids are family members.”
“There is no law stating you must pay anything for children after they turn 18.”
“You are offering a kindness with simple expectations.”
“If they don’t want kids, then they can pay.”
“Lots of entitlement coming from the daughter and fiancée.” ~ Treadingresin
“NTA, no one is entitled to a paid wedding.”
“She’s 31 years old, her wife is 34, if they dont like your rules, they need to put their big pants on and do it themselves.”
“Think of your daughter and how she feels? No.”
“Think of your other kids and their spouses, who abide by your rules, and how they feel if you made an exception?”
“My dad held all his kids to the same standards.”
“It’s our choice to live with it or not.” ~ Salty-Contact4371
Reddit is with you, OP.
It’s your money, you get to spend it how you see fit.
Maybe you and your daughter can have a calmer, more productive chat.
It is her day.
Hopefully, you can all make it as beautiful as possible.
No matter who pays for it.