Over the past few decades, the pride flag has become a beacon of hope for many.
It's flown everywhere, from schools to police stations.
It can be seen as a symbol of hope and safety.
But for some, it's been labeled a distraction.
This has caused quite a stir in communities and relationships.
Redditor EarlySupport8728 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my friend that I wasn't taking down my pride flag?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'll try to keep it simple."
"I (19 F[emale], lesbian) am living alone and have a friend (20 F) named Stephanie."
"She and her 3-year-old kid came over the other day to my house since we're close."
"We had planned this a couple of days before, but while she was coming, she texted me to say that she'd prefer if I took my lesbian flag down."
"She's generally supportive. However, she has a conservative background."
"She said she didn't want her kid talking about gay stuff to her grandparents."
"My flag is a hassle to put up."
"When I put it up a year ago, I swear it took an hour just to get it up there, and it didn't look perfect at all."
"I said I couldn't, but Stephanie didn't have the time to see the response since she was already 10 minutes away."
"She was very angry when she got there, and the flag was still up."
"It went as normal otherwise, just a little awkward."
"Fast forward to the day after they left."
"Stephanie texted me about how mad she was because her kid mentioned the flag and was asking about it."
"Stephanie went off on a rant about how she was never coming over again."
"I was tired since I just got home, so I texted 'okay' and turned off my phone to take a nap."
"I woke up to angry texts from 30 minutes ago."
"Now I'm wondering if it was worth it over a flag and if I should have taken it down."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA... and I'm not sure how 'supportive' it is for her to be angry about your not taking it down or even asking you to."
"Also, it seems like she just didn't want to have to deal with her parents' comments if her kid says something."
"Um, I know you're both relatively young, but she's old enough to be a mother so she's old enough to handle herself."
"You responded really well: not your circus, not your clowns."
"Live your life, including taking a nap if you're tired."
"Let her be annoyed all she wants that you didn't do what she wanted."
"Sucks for her that it's not your job to do so."
"Good for you." ~ dresses_212_10028
"NTA. How hard would have been for Stephanie to say, 'Oh it's a flag OP likes.'"
"Kiddo is 3."
"Don't think you need to go in-depth on a lesbian flag with a 3-year-old. "
"Again OP NTA."
"Now your friend AH." ~ OutrageousDaikon1456
"Mommy, why does Auntie Early have a flag with rainbows?"
'Because Auntie Early likes it."
"That's really all a minimal child needs." ~ Tygrkatt
"NTA, this doesn't sound like a friend."
"I'm sorry you had to find out like that."
"There is also no way her kid cared or knew what that flag was, so it was her excuse to see if she could get you to change (for her???)."
"Very odd behavior, and you're better off without it in your life." ~ Les-Veges-Bebe
"What I find absolutely atrocious AF about Stephanie's request for OP to remove her pride flag is this: Stephanie is a 20-year-old mom to a 3-year-old."
"Meaning she got pregnant at 16/17!"
"Which is technically taboo AF and deemed unacceptable in society so to speak!"
"(and I actually say this as a Mom who got pregnant with her first kid - a soon-to-be 28-year-old as a 15-year-old second-semester junior in HS)!"
"So to me, whatever she REALLY thinks goes out the window and makes Stephanie a GIANT A-H!"
"I'm so tired of everything and everyone going through life with the 'rules for thee but not for me' mentality for 'ooh so scary taboo subjects.'"
"OP IS NTA IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM, PERIOD!!"
"OP needs to leave Stephanie in the "former friend' category of her life!" ~ bustakita
"This. I feel for Stephanie's kids."
"They're having the type of upbringing that means they will have to hide their identity so as to avoid upsetting their conservative family (should they not be straight, or quite possibly anything else not conforming to 'conservative normal')."
"Stephanie let her mask slip."
"She's just the same as her parents, if not worse, because at least her parents are openly hostile."
"Stephanie pretends to be fine with it until it risks making her life awkward." ~ TrickSea_239
"NTA. At 3 years old, the kid's not even gonna know what that flag is."
"What little kid doesn't like colorful stuff?"
"Stephanie can easily tell her kid 'Oh friend just liked the color of it. It looks nice, doesn't it?'"
"End of conversation."
"As adults, we love to project our years of lived experience onto kids."
"Just because we know what that flag means doesn't mean you can't explain it in any other way than the full, unabridged truth."
"Does Stephanie really think the only way she can answer those questions is the full birds and the bees and the birds and the birds and the bees and the bees talk?" ~ SquiffyRae
"NTA. This is a 3-year-old child."
"The kid would have absolutely NO idea what the flag represents."
"Even if the child had asked what it was, your friend could have said it was just a decoration of yours."
"Your friend seems to be blaming her own child for her own issues." ~ Smarterthanuthink867
"NTA at all!"
"Your house, your rules, and definitely your flag! 🏳️🌈"
"It's tough that Stephanie didn't understand, but honestly, it sounds like she's using her conservative background as an excuse to push her comfort over your identity."
"You shouldn't have to hide who you are, especially in your own space."
"Maybe it's time for Stephanie to have a chat with her kid about the diverse world out there."
"Stick to your colors and keep flying that flag high!" ~ NathalieCupcake_
"Exactly. OP shouldn't have to hide the flag (especially after putting so much effort into putting it up)."
"The friend should also consider OP's feelings instead of expecting her to compromise for their kid." ~ Asleep_Tomatillo6912
"I'm not out to my extended conservative family because I'm not interested in arguing or debating my identity."
"On some level, I can understand Stephanie's concern about the kid bringing gay stuff up in front of her parents and starting an argument."
"If she's been breaking free, then she's likely already had to deal with a lot of comments from them."
"That's the extent of the sympathy I'm willing to give, though."
"She is still responsible for what she says and does, and she was definitely TA to OP."
"However, Stephanie has forgotten that her fears don't give her the right to make OP do anything."
"Even if she's so concerned about conflict with her parents, she's still the one who has to find a solution that she thinks will work."
"Of course, I doubt that this will be the last time the kid ever sees a pride flag."
"I just hope Stephanie is prepared for that reality." ~ ConstructionNo9678
"NTA, but at least you see what type of person she is now."
"And not to sound judgmental… though I guess this is the sub for it, but conservative background…teenage pregnancy… worried about that 'gay stuff.'"
"Okay. Interesting!" ~ chaenukyun
"NTA... and a very petty part of me wants to point out that the very conservative-raised kid had a baby at 16 while the EVIL LESBO (full sarcasm) has her s**t remarkably together at 19."
"The scary gay flag questions are the least of her problems once the kid can start doing math." ~ Secret_Werewolf1942
"NTA - so a pride flag is an issue for her conservative background but not the fact she got pregnant at 16?"
"Maybe if she embraced a more open-minded mindset, she might manage to not be a grandma at 32."
"But seriously, you be confident in your sexuality regardless of orientation will serve you well in protecting yourself in romantic relationships."
"Now apply it to friends - unless she is in an extremely unsafe situation where her parent's rampant homophobia means her friendship with you poses a danger to her, then you need to tell her her request was out of line and the excuse 'I'm not homophobic, they are' doesn't cut it." ~ NoZookeepergame9552
"NTA. It's not like you had graphic lesbian porn on display, it was a flag."
"It was stripes of color in a row."
"She'd rather let her kids be exposed to hate rather than acceptance."
"She wants her kids to not know/ask about queer people because it's easier for her to deal with her bigoted family that way, and that's not your responsibility." ~ lncognithrowaway
"NTA. Had a so-called friend call me ahead of our hang-out time just to tell me not to wear my Lesbian Pride Dragon T-shirt on the day of her Birthday."
"Which I also planned a birthday surprise for her."
"My response was, 'Have a happy birthday' and I hung up on her and blocked her number."
"I am older and don't have many friends."
"But, I chose to end the friendship that day."
"Because no friendship or relationship is worth my mental health and having to hide my authentic self."
"Life is too short."
"So enjoy your life."
"Live your truth and don't let anyone treat you like you're just meant to be tolerated or respected only when they feel you deserve to be respected."
"Be well." ~ Artist_Thin_Ice505
"NTA. Your friend is NOT supportive."
"If she were, she'd have no issue with explaining what a lesbian is to her child, even if she had to say 'But granny and grandpa don't like hearing about that, so maybe don't talk about lesbians around them.'"
"The fact that she doesn't want her child learning about The GaysTM at all means that she doesn't think it's a child-friendly topic - which means she's a bigot, even if it's 'low key.'" ~ boogerbabe69
"NTA. I can't imagine Stephanie is actually supportive."
"It doesn't matter how hard or easy your flag was to put up."
"You're proud of who you are."
"She can't explain a simple flag to her toddler?"
'I'd be reevaluating your friendship." ~ Reasonable_Beach1087
"NTA, I always answered any questions my children had growing up."
"My (60) close friend (F 76) is a lesbian, and I explained what it meant that their aunt is a lesbian."
"Essentially, they were told that people love people they are attracted to and love is love.'
"Your friend should have explained the flag, in an age-appropriate way."
"Hiding or acting embarrassed helps the child to grow up thinking there is something shameful or needs to be hidden."
"Children are not born with intolerance or hatred, that is something they learn." ~ Diligent-Touch-5456
"NTA. I can't get over how sh*tty people are becoming."
"I can't imagine asking someone to buy Michelob instead of Bud Light if they said they're going to the liquor store to buy us beer."
"Nevermind demanding someone do something to make me feel more comfortable in their house."
"If someone invites you for supper you eat what is made and tell them it was delicious and thank them."
"That's the rules."
"If someone invites you to their house you go there, be respectful, thank them for everything, and text after saying thanks again for everything."
"I just can't get over the entitlement and nerve of some people to carry themselves the way they do." ~ REDDIT
"F**k Stephanie."
"How you express yourself in your house is none of her business."
"The kid is 3 and she'd have first had to explain the flag to get her to talk about it in any kind of way with the grandparents who should have been told they're bigots if Stephanie was any kind of supportive whatsoever." ~ NinjaHidingintheOpen
"NTA - but... if she used the term 'lesbian flag' I would definitely be questioning WTF her deal was."
"She doesn't sound like her family is the only ones who have a problem."
"Besides, her 3-year-old would have literally recognized the rainbow and that's it."
"Her child was not asking why you had the flag up, or any other question that should have upset her."
"'Oh, she likes rainbows.'"
"Would have ended that conversation, and wouldn't have been a lie."
"ETA - I have been informed that there's an actual 'Lesbian flag' that's outside of the standard rainbow pride flag."
"I've only ever experienced the standard rainbow or trans flag, so my other comments don't matter."
"Just my judgment of NTA." ~ IcePrincess_Not_Sk8r
"NTA. Please remove this person from your life this is toxic!"
"Your home is your safe place as a mom to an extremely curious two-year-old and friends who have pride flags up I tell him it's a rainbow or it's pretty."
"Never has it been negative the fact that she was mad at your home decor… she is not a friend." ~ Joeywraylyne
"The grandparents don't know you."
"They will never know you, and therefore you are not their problem: if they get pissed off because their granddaughter's friend owns a lesbian flag in her own home, they can die mad about it. NTA." ~ junkdrawertales
"NTA It's YOUR home. Not hers."
"And she doesn't sound generally supportive whatsoever."
"At 3 my kid loves waving around a pride flag I got at a pride parade just bc it was rainbow, she didn't understand (though I personally have since explained)."
"Your 'friend' is being absolutely ridiculous and exactly how I would expect a conservative to behave."
"End of story." ~ nirvanaaesthetixxx
"NTA. Not even about the kid or her background or whatever."
"I don't know why a 'friend' would think they could request you change the decor in your house for any reason."
"Just don't come over, hun." ~ Regular-Message9591
"NTA. Your friend is actually a bigot."
"Block and move on." ~ BigWhiteDog
"NTA. It was super rude of her to ask."
"And I wouldn't have taken the flag down either."
"Would she tell other friends to take down paintings she doesn't like?"
"Your friend is being ridiculous." ~ ChicagoWhiteSox35
"NTA, but imagine possessing the audacity to ask a queer person to take down the pride flag at their home?"
"She's not your friend." ~ MotherofCats9258
Reddit proudly has your back OP.
Your house, your flag, your rules.
How dare your "friend" ask this of you in the first place!
Some "friend."
You have every right to stand your ground with your decision.
If she doesn't want a relationship with you and your family, then so be it.
Happy Pride... every day!!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp