Figuring out living arrangements with family can be difficult.
Siblings taking care of siblings when parents are out of the picture can be especially taxing.
Older siblings don’t automatically sign on to be surrogate parents.
When that happens it can blur a lot of lines and trigger a lot of emotions.
Emotions that can whither the family dynamic.
Case in point…
Redditor ThrowRA-brothersgf wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for yelling at my brother’s girlfriend because she is trying to get rid of me?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“As the title says, I (15 F[emale]) think my brother’s girlfriend (Julie, 24 F) is trying to get rid of me.”
“I live with my brother because after my parents divorced and neither of them wanted me so my brother took me (he was 18 I was 8).”
“We lived alone together until a year ago, he got a girlfriend.”
“She doesn’t live with us but she is at our apartment a lot.”
“I don’t really like her but I already know he kind of has some resentment toward me because he had to take care of me even when my parents were still together and he couldn’t have a life cause he was always busy with me.”
“I think they want to get married and I’m scared about where I will go.”
“My mom doesn’t live in the country (she went back to Korea after the divorce) and my dad is busy with his new family.”
“Anyways after school, I wanted to use my brother’s phone to watch something.”
“I saw a notification come up at the top and it was from my mom.”
“I was really curious because I don’t talk to my mom like ever and I didn’t think he did either.”
“Long story short he wants to send me to live with my mom in Korea because Julie wants to move in and start a family.”
“She said that when they start their family they don’t want to be looking after a teenager as well.”
“I didn’t tell him anything and just put the phone back.”
“I went to sleep really scared and now today I went to my cousin’s house and told him what my brother was planning to do and he told his mom.”
“I didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I’m always nice to her.”
“I don’t know why she doesn’t like me.”
“I really don’t want to move.”
“I have friends here and everything.”
“I thought he loved me and wouldn’t make me go back to her.”
“My cousin’s mom ended up asking him why he was going to send me to live with my mom and he asked her how she knew.”
“She said that I told my cousin and he told her.”
“My brother took me back home because he didn’t want to cause a scene at my aunt’s house.”
“When we got back he asked me how I knew and I told him I saw his texts to our mom about how he was sending me away.”
“I was really mad and I was yelling at him.”
“He just tried to hug me and sat down on the couch with his head down, not talking.”
“Then like 10 minutes later Julie came.”
“When she came in the living room she asked what happened and my brother said she knows.”
“Then Julie tried to talk to me and I stood up and started yelling that I don’t know why she has a problem with me but I’m his sister so I’m not leaving.”
“I also called her some names because I was really angry.”
“Then, to my surprise, my brother pushed my shoulder and told me to go to my room.”
“I asked why and he yelled at me to go to my room.”
“Julie was crying at this point.”
“I went to my room and cried.”
“I still think he is going to send me away.”
“I don’t know why she doesn’t like me.”
“I didn’t do anything to her.”
“I told my friends about this and they said I shouldn’t have yelled because she probably has her reasons to want me with my mother.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA got yelling at my brother’s girlfriend?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole, but there is more to the story.
“OP, I’m going to start off by saying what your parents have done to you AND your brother isn’t okay.”
“They abandoned you and him and have done what is called parentification.”
“This means your brother was forced to be the parent. It’s not okay at all.”
“Your brother had to put his own life on hold because of you (at no fault of your own).”
“It is not your fault, but your brother needs to focus on his own life and your mother needs to start being a mother again.”
“Your brother and Julie aren’t doing anything wrong by wanting to move forward with their lives.”
“It doesn’t mean they don’t love you and you are blaming Julie and using her as a scapegoat.”
“Maybe your brother wants you gone.”
“Maybe your mom does want you back.”
“The whole thing… It’s not okay.”
“You need to hear them out with what is going on.”
“And you need to understand you’re 15 years old so a lot of stuff is going on in your mind and body that will make things ten times more dramatic and worse.”
“You didn’t hear them out and give them a chance.”
“Your brother has had to give up his life to raise you for a number of years.”
“This way of living is not sustainable in the long run for him and yeah it may be selfish but honestly to an extent I don’t blame your brother either.” ~ starrynight764
“Sadly OP, I was going to say the same thing.”
“Unfortunately, you have 3 more years until you can make your own choices.”
“Hear your brother out.”
“Maybe talk to your aunt and him together with Julie.”
“See if there are other options that haven’t been considered.”
“I feel for you and your brother because no one should be pushed away by their parents.”
“And no one should be forced to be a parent of a child who isn’t theirs at 18.”
“Give your brother some grace because he has given it his best for 7 years.” ~ Lil_fire_girl
“I feel for the brother, or whatever, but not more than the OP.”
“The time for him to have stopped this was in the beginning when his sister was young.”
“To wait until she is 3 years from being an adult herself and sending her off to a foreign country she has presumably never lived in, with the certainty that at 15 years old she is all alone in the world, she can rely on no one.”
“And if brother and girlfriend do start a family they are going to 100% regret sending away a live in babysitter.” ~ Jessrynn
“It does seem strange and almost cruel to wait until OP is almost at the point of independence to completely uproot her life and send her across the world to where she presumably can’t even speak the language.”
“At this point, OP can probably function almost independently anyway.”
“It’s not an ideal situation for her and her brother, but surely they can find a way to manage her having a roof over her head at least until she’s 18.”
“Or have her live with her aunt or dad.”
“I think it would be very unwise to send OP to live with an absentee parent, in a new country where she will be completely at the mercy of strangers.”
“She would be so vulnerable.” ~ grammarlysucksa**
“You forgot to mention OP’s dad.”
“He doesn’t get a free pass on this.”
“Mom is in another country.”
“The dad isn’t apparently from the post.”
“He just got remarried and had a “new” family.”
“OP if anything should stay in the country they currently live in and should live with her father if she is not going to reside with her brother.”
“The parents are horrible human beings, and OP and brother have been done dirty.”
“The brother should never have been parentified.”
“Emotionally, he is the parent, though, to OP.” ~ throwawtphone
“This. Why not stay with the aunt, indeed?”
“I don’t think OP will be in a particularly good place if she goes back to either of her parents.”
“They abandoned her once before.”
“Who’s to say they wouldn’t do it again, or treat her badly out of bitterness that they finally have to take responsibility for their daughter?”
“As an abandoned child myself, I would never, ever feel safe around my parents again. Poor OP.”
“Aunt and cousin might be her best options for having a secure and loving place to live at this point.”
“She does not deserve to have to go back to parents who have treated her badly in the past.” ~ JianFlower
“He is going behind OP’s back and is planning on sending her to a foreign country with her mother.”
“After HOW MANY years of not talking to her f**king child? That is so f**ked up.”
“Yes, bro stepped up.”
“Now that he has accepted responsibility, HE CAN’T F**KING SEND HER AWAY!!”
“He wants to start his new family and doesn’t want to include someone who has been his ward for 6 years.”
“Sound like someone from the story… Just like her father.”
“I just wish OP had someone who would actually stay for her.”
“She should be emancipated so she can have someone who will keep her number one.”
“Sadly the only one in OP’s life who will is OP herself.”
“No one else will.” ~ lamb2cosmicslaughter
“OP is a child.”
“She’s been abandoned by everybody and now her one remaining lifeline wants to abandon her, too.”
“And you’re on HIS side? No.”
“Parentification is never ok, it is absolutely a form of child abuse, but that does not make it acceptable to abandon another child and dump her on a mother who does not want her, in a country she’s unfamiliar with.”
“That would absolutely destroy her.” ~ Pixelated_Roses
OP came back with an update…
“So I went home to talk to my brother, and I wrote a letter to give to him like some of you suggested, as I didn’t think I could talk without breaking down.”
“The letter basically says ‘I’m sorry for yelling at you and Julie, I was just scared.'”
“‘There are many things I don’t know about my parents and how you have felt about the last 7 (maybe even 15) years.'”
“‘But I do not want to go back to my mother. And I don’t want to move country.'”
“I gave him the letter after school, and he didn’t read it in front of me.”
“I came out of my room a few hours after giving it to him and saw him crying in the kitchen.”
“When he saw me, he hugged me and told me he was sorry and loved me and didn’t know what to do because Julie wanted to move in and she didn’t want to be taking care of me because she’s only 24 and wants to live her life.”
“Julie also came over, and I apologized to her properly.”
“I’m writing this in my notes and waiting for another update to put all the info from today in one update.”
OP continued…
“So it’s been a few hours since then, and he sat me down to talk again with Julie for some reason.”
“Anyway he told me that he was just exploring options because I can’t live with him forever.”
“Obviously I knew that but why doesn’t he want me now, what did I do?”
“He also told me that he’s booked a ticket for me and him to go to Korea to see my mother, her husband, and the house.”
“I’m fine with that because if he’s there with me, then he can’t leave me there without me knowing.”
“But he told me he is leaving a little earlier than I am because he has work.”
“I believe that, but I’m also a little suspicious that he is going to leave me there and not take me back.”
“I leave for Korea in two days and I’m staying for two (?) weeks, he is staying for one.”
“So that’s all I have for now is that I’m going to Korea soon to see my mother for the first time in 7 years.”
“I don’t feel happy or sad. I just feel nothing.”
“And here’s some clarification because people keep asking the same questions.”
“I can’t stay with my Aunt as she has four kids already and can’t take care of me.”
“I believe my brother has guardianship of me, but I do not know because he doesn’t tell me anything.”
“Julie has done many things to me along with the leaving me at school thing. She’s fat-shamed me, made fun of me, is always trying to get me out of the house, and always ignores me whenever my brother tries to get us to hang out together.”
“When Julie was trying to talk to me after I found out, she was saying things like ‘Please try to understand’ and ‘It’s what we think is best for your and our futures,’ and ‘Your brother and I want to move forward, and I don’t think we can do it with you.'”
“they’ve only been dating for a year, and she’s saying all this, but whatever.”
“I know my parents both send money to my brother to help with me, but I do not know if it is formal child support.”
“I don’t have any friends to stay with.”
“If my brother didn’t take me in, I would have either gone into a foster home, or my mother would have taken care of me.”
“Although she didn’t want to, which is why she wasn’t the first choice for who would take me.”
“My father is in another state with his new wife and family.”
“I am half Japanese and half Korean.”
“Going to Korea would be hard for me, considering the history.”
“I also have a Japanese name, so it’s not like I could hide it.”
“I barely speak Korean, and moving would mess up my whole education.”
“I’m smart in English, not in Korean.”
“If you have any more questions, just ask.”
“I’m going to talk to my school counselor soon, but it might not be before I leave.”
“I still really love my brother, and I don’t want him to go to jail or go no contact with him.”
Well, OP, Reddit feels for you. This is a tough situation.
Hopefully, you and your mother reconnect.
And with any luck you and your brother can make this work.
Sending so many good vibes.
Good luck.