Asking for help can be an uncomfortable, painful thing to do for many of us.
Shame and guilt can stop us from seeking the assistance we need in many cases.
What happens though when the problem isn’t that someone needs help, but that they decide you owe them whatever they want?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Gorillagrodd91 when he came to the “Am I the A**hole* (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
He asked:
“AITA for choosing our family dog over a friend hard on his luck?”
A brief introduction.
“Me (32m), my wife (30f), and our 2 daughters (both under 5) live in a decent-sized apartment.”
“Not grand or anything of the sort but big enough for us and for us to host another person for a limited amount of time that it would not be a burden.”
A friend in need.
“Recently a friend of mine (28m), that I’ve known for a few years from an old job, is going through a divorce has asked me for a place to stay.”
“I talked it over with my wife and she has no problems with him staying with us.”
The Problem.
“When I told him that he could stay he was so grateful, but then told me to let him know once we have gotten rid of our dog and deep cleaned the home as he has a severe dog allergy.”
“We never knew about this as it has never been an issue, we always hung out at a mutual friends house, work, the bar, or double dates at restaurants where no dogs are.”
“I told him that we would not be able to get rid of our dog to accommodate, as he is a part of our family, getting older and that it would honestly devastate our girls and us.”
“He is now running around bad-mouthing us to our friend group for taking back our offer for him to stay with us and choosing a dog over his health.”
“I have been receiving multiple calls saying that I ATA for not helping him now.”
“TLDR: I’m choosing our family dog over our friend staying with us due to his divorce.”
OP was left to wonder,
AITA?
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Friends help friends?
“Why aren’t all these other friends offering up a place to stay?”
“Next phone call or text you get asking you: ‘Gosh! I sure am glad you called. I’ll let friend know of your concern and offer to let him stay with you.'”
“And then listen to the spluttering.”
“NTA. But, boy, your friends sure are judgmental people.” ~ Beck2010
“NTA.”
“One of the other people in your friend group can accommodate him by getting rid of their own pets and paying for a deep cleaning.”
“If he really needs a place to stay, he can try a hotel or whatever, but how urgent can he be if he can wait for you to find a new home for a family member?”
“Just the suggestion to get rid of your pup would have been enough for me to say no.” ~ TemptingPenguin369
“It’s a time honored theme in AITA:”
‘”My friend/family member made an unreasonable request, and I said no. Third parties who can fulfill the request themselves are calling me TA for not doing it. AITA?”‘ ~ DrWhoop87
Responsibility.
“NTA, It’s not your responsibility to put a roof over this grown man’s body.”
“He’s getting a divorce and needs to take responsibility for himself. It’s not like he has a physical disease (ie cancer) and needs help.” ~ logical-sanity
“Your friend is a grown adult and should be able to put emergency accommodation measures in place for themself if they need to find somewhere to live.”
“That’s nobody else’s responsibility but theirs.”
“I would never dream of getting rid of my dog because someone needed to stay with me. It’s a simple, sorry but my home won’t be suitable for you.”
“NTA.”
“Your friend is the A for badmouthing you.” ~ snarkkkkk
“NTA”
“Family comes first, and your dog (or other furry friend) is family.”
“If they can’t handle being around a fur baby, then they need to ask someone else for help.”
“It’s not your responsibility to accommodate a guest with outrageous requirements or requests.”
“Your (soon-to-be) former friend is definitely the a**hole in this case.” ~ Mary_P914
No one was surprised at the friend’s divorce.
“What’s the bet that it’s this type of entitlement and AH behavior that’s leading to his divorce?” ~ Lazy_Ad_817
“100% this kind of manipulation has led to his divorce.” ~ Bluebells7788
“I think I see why the work friend is getting a divorce! Op NTA, gotta feeling if that guy moves in he’s not leaving any time soon!!” ~ Illustrious-Light-66
“Exactly and his entitled attitude might be one reason he’s getting divorced.”
“It isn’t easy to maintain a relationship with someone who expects to get their @ss kissed.”
“This is just unreal.”
“OP is nicer than me. I will and have ended friendships over my dogs.”
“Yes they are spoiled and if you don’t like it, or think it’s funny to be disrespectful because of it, then kick rocks, cause we are not going to get along well long term.” ~ Repemptionhappens
“NTA.”
“His behavior probably explains the divorce.”
“You don’t want him in your home with your family. You’ve dodged a bullet here.”
“Next thing you know, after getting rid of the dog, you’ll be doing his laundry, your kids will be running his errands.”
“And he’ll still bad mouth you to your friends about the terrible living situation he’s in.” ~ scamiran
A highly dubious bargaining posture.
“NTA.”
“He is asking you for a favor.”
“He is the one in a desperate situation.”
“He does not get to dictate the situation at your home. He especially does not get to tell you to get rid of a family member (yes, a pet is a member of the family).”
“This is beyond arrogant.”
“And he is getting divorced, he isn’t unemployed. He has other options, like getting a hotel. You aren’t leaving him on the street.”
“Finally, it is the act of a bully for him to get other people to call you and harass you about this. That is wrong on so many levels no think it is safe to say he is a former friend.”
“I think you really avoided a problem here – if he is being this much a problem when he hasn’t even moved in, what kind of demands would he have made once he got in, and how would he have treated your kids?” ~ bamf1701
“He was already demanding that they pay to deep clean the place before he graced them with their presence.”
“Can you imagine what else would be demanded (dog notwithstanding)? How dare you not have fresh organic produce at the ready!”
“You cooked with ginger, how dare you!! Your children are required to be absolutely silent while he’s asleep!” ~ Sugar_Mama76
OP did return to add some clarity.
“I’ve seen it asked, me and my family are American from the east coast, very pet-friendly area, but we no longer live in the USA as of now due to my work and currently live in a not-so-dog-friendly country on the other side of the world.”
“Dogs here are not looked at as they are in the USA. Many view them little more than pests and don’t understand viewing one as family here.”
“Thank you all for the responses, as I said we do not live in the US at the moment, and I know back home that there would be no second guessing if I was an a**hole in this situation.”
“I have talked with a few of our friends and some now are at the least indifferent. They still really don’t get ‘valuing something like that over a person’s comfort. ‘”
“But they at least acknowledge as a difference in world upbringing.”
“While others are still upset that I would not do this for our friend.”
“The friend in question is going to be staying with someone else. They wanted to stay with me as I was the only one in the group that had a spare room that could be used as a small bedroom.”
“As I said, whenever we would meet up with others, it was always in public or at their home. We have had maybe 4 or 5 people over at our home, most of which are also from the US.”
“One friend did visit us back when we were first moved over but was uncomfortable around our dog and asked that if we would keep him away while he was there.”
“Many have said they do not wish to hang out in a place that they view as ‘unclean’ due to a dog living there, which I did not understand as many have pets, mostly cats, but again understanding the difference in world upbringing.”
This isn’t really about the dog.
While it’s fascinating to find out that some parts of the world don’t view dogs the same way we do in America, that’s not really the point here.
We all need help sometimes, and of course, we should be free to ask for it when we need it.
Compassion, grace, and understanding go both ways, though.