Asking for help can be an uncomfortable, painful thing to do for many of us.
Shame and guilt can stop us from seeking the assistance we need in many cases.
What happens though when the problem isn't that someone needs help, but that they decide you owe them whatever they want?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Gorillagrodd91 when he came to the "Am I the A**hole* (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
He asked:
"AITA for choosing our family dog over a friend hard on his luck?"
A brief introduction.
"Me (32m), my wife (30f), and our 2 daughters (both under 5) live in a decent-sized apartment."
"Not grand or anything of the sort but big enough for us and for us to host another person for a limited amount of time that it would not be a burden."
A friend in need.
"Recently a friend of mine (28m), that I've known for a few years from an old job, is going through a divorce has asked me for a place to stay."
"I talked it over with my wife and she has no problems with him staying with us."
The Problem.
"When I told him that he could stay he was so grateful, but then told me to let him know once we have gotten rid of our dog and deep cleaned the home as he has a severe dog allergy."
"We never knew about this as it has never been an issue, we always hung out at a mutual friends house, work, the bar, or double dates at restaurants where no dogs are."
"I told him that we would not be able to get rid of our dog to accommodate, as he is a part of our family, getting older and that it would honestly devastate our girls and us."
"He is now running around bad-mouthing us to our friend group for taking back our offer for him to stay with us and choosing a dog over his health."
"I have been receiving multiple calls saying that I ATA for not helping him now."
"TLDR: I'm choosing our family dog over our friend staying with us due to his divorce."
OP was left to wonder,
AITA?
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Friends help friends?
"Why aren't all these other friends offering up a place to stay?"
"Next phone call or text you get asking you: 'Gosh! I sure am glad you called. I'll let friend know of your concern and offer to let him stay with you.'"
"And then listen to the spluttering."
"NTA. But, boy, your friends sure are judgmental people." ~ Beck2010
"NTA."
"One of the other people in your friend group can accommodate him by getting rid of their own pets and paying for a deep cleaning."
"If he really needs a place to stay, he can try a hotel or whatever, but how urgent can he be if he can wait for you to find a new home for a family member?"
"Just the suggestion to get rid of your pup would have been enough for me to say no." ~ TemptingPenguin369
"It's a time honored theme in AITA:"
'"My friend/family member made an unreasonable request, and I said no. Third parties who can fulfill the request themselves are calling me TA for not doing it. AITA?"' ~ DrWhoop87
Responsibility.
"NTA, It's not your responsibility to put a roof over this grown man's body."
"He's getting a divorce and needs to take responsibility for himself. It's not like he has a physical disease (ie cancer) and needs help." ~ logical-sanity
"Your friend is a grown adult and should be able to put emergency accommodation measures in place for themself if they need to find somewhere to live."
"That's nobody else's responsibility but theirs."
"I would never dream of getting rid of my dog because someone needed to stay with me. It's a simple, sorry but my home won't be suitable for you."
"NTA."
"Your friend is the A for badmouthing you." ~ snarkkkkk
"NTA"
"Family comes first, and your dog (or other furry friend) is family."
"If they can't handle being around a fur baby, then they need to ask someone else for help."
"It's not your responsibility to accommodate a guest with outrageous requirements or requests."
"Your (soon-to-be) former friend is definitely the a**hole in this case." ~ Mary_P914
No one was surprised at the friend's divorce.
"What's the bet that it's this type of entitlement and AH behavior that's leading to his divorce?" ~ Lazy_Ad_817
"100% this kind of manipulation has led to his divorce." ~ Bluebells7788
"I think I see why the work friend is getting a divorce! Op NTA, gotta feeling if that guy moves in he's not leaving any time soon!!" ~ Illustrious-Light-66
"Exactly and his entitled attitude might be one reason he's getting divorced."
"It isn't easy to maintain a relationship with someone who expects to get their @ss kissed."
"This is just unreal."
"OP is nicer than me. I will and have ended friendships over my dogs."
"Yes they are spoiled and if you don't like it, or think it's funny to be disrespectful because of it, then kick rocks, cause we are not going to get along well long term." ~ Repemptionhappens
"NTA."
"His behavior probably explains the divorce."
"You don't want him in your home with your family. You've dodged a bullet here."
"Next thing you know, after getting rid of the dog, you'll be doing his laundry, your kids will be running his errands."
"And he'll still bad mouth you to your friends about the terrible living situation he's in." ~ scamiran
A highly dubious bargaining posture.
"NTA."
"He is asking you for a favor."
"He is the one in a desperate situation."
"He does not get to dictate the situation at your home. He especially does not get to tell you to get rid of a family member (yes, a pet is a member of the family)."
"This is beyond arrogant."
"And he is getting divorced, he isn't unemployed. He has other options, like getting a hotel. You aren't leaving him on the street."
"Finally, it is the act of a bully for him to get other people to call you and harass you about this. That is wrong on so many levels no think it is safe to say he is a former friend."
"I think you really avoided a problem here - if he is being this much a problem when he hasn't even moved in, what kind of demands would he have made once he got in, and how would he have treated your kids?" ~ bamf1701
"He was already demanding that they pay to deep clean the place before he graced them with their presence."
"Can you imagine what else would be demanded (dog notwithstanding)? How dare you not have fresh organic produce at the ready!"
"You cooked with ginger, how dare you!! Your children are required to be absolutely silent while he's asleep!" ~ Sugar_Mama76
OP did return to add some clarity.
"I've seen it asked, me and my family are American from the east coast, very pet-friendly area, but we no longer live in the USA as of now due to my work and currently live in a not-so-dog-friendly country on the other side of the world."
"Dogs here are not looked at as they are in the USA. Many view them little more than pests and don't understand viewing one as family here."
"Thank you all for the responses, as I said we do not live in the US at the moment, and I know back home that there would be no second guessing if I was an a**hole in this situation."
"I have talked with a few of our friends and some now are at the least indifferent. They still really don't get 'valuing something like that over a person's comfort. '"
"But they at least acknowledge as a difference in world upbringing."
"While others are still upset that I would not do this for our friend."
"The friend in question is going to be staying with someone else. They wanted to stay with me as I was the only one in the group that had a spare room that could be used as a small bedroom."
"As I said, whenever we would meet up with others, it was always in public or at their home. We have had maybe 4 or 5 people over at our home, most of which are also from the US."
"One friend did visit us back when we were first moved over but was uncomfortable around our dog and asked that if we would keep him away while he was there."
"Many have said they do not wish to hang out in a place that they view as 'unclean' due to a dog living there, which I did not understand as many have pets, mostly cats, but again understanding the difference in world upbringing."
This isn't really about the dog.
While it's fascinating to find out that some parts of the world don't view dogs the same way we do in America, that's not really the point here.
We all need help sometimes, and of course, we should be free to ask for it when we need it.
Compassion, grace, and understanding go both ways, though.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.