We’ve all felt the need to strive for someone’s approval at one point or another.
In extreme cases, this might have even led us to do some humiliating, almost degrading things.
Be it biting our tongue at something we fundamentally disagree with or even performing a task we normally would never do.
Often leading us to question if earning this person’s approval was worth it.
Redditor Spicyregretst-away was still waiting for the approval of his boyfriend’s parents despite being with him for two years.
Things only got worse at a recent visit, where the original poster (OP) felt he was undermined by his boyfriend’s father, making him compelled to prove a point.
Unfortunately, doing so not only created tension with his boyfriend but also saw him bedridden.
Reflecting on his past behavior, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for eating the food my FIL served me and ]ruining’ my boyfriend and I’s holiday.”
The OP explained how a recent dinner with his boyfriend’s parents went south in every possible way:
Background info: I (41 M[ale]) am a white American, and my boyfriend (38 M) is Moroccan and half black.”
“His parents took a dislike to me the moment we met.”
“We’ve been together for two years, and he lives in America.”
“The incident in question took place a few days ago.”
“This is only my second time meeting his parents.”
“His mother has been relatively quiet, but it’s obvious she feels the same as his father, who is on an all-out warpath.”
“They think that I’m a typical, useless, American party boy and not good enough for their son, who is an all-around goodie-two-shoes.”
“They are wealthy government employees who think that they’re contributing a lot to the world.”
“Unlike me.”
“Now, it is important to note that I am also wealthy, self-made, and high ranking in my career.”
“So I am not attempting to get on any gravy train.”
“My boyfriend and I are staying at their home in Morocco.”
“The four of us sat down for dinner, cooked by their private chef.”
“Everybody got a bowl of some Moroccan food that smelled really good.”
“I noticed that mine looked paler than the others and didn’t have as much of a smell.”
“I didn’t comment at first, but then his father outright said, as if he was doing me a favor, that he told the chef to put a portion for me aside before she added ANY of the seasoning, because he thought that ‘my palate wouldn’t handle the spice well’.”
“I have no issues with spicy food.”
“I could tell that my boyfriend was already uncomfortable, and he told his father that I could eat what they were eating.”
“I managed to keep my cool, despite being really pissed off, and told him in no uncertain terms that I could handle spicy food.”
“Next thing, he took my food and went back to the kitchen.”
“When he returned, my food was a shade darker than everyone else’s.”
“I realized after the first bite that it wasn’t just spicy.”
“It was inedible.”
“My boyfriend noticed my reaction and told his father off before telling me to stop eating it.”
“But I didn’t.”
“I ate the damn food.”
“And I have never in my life eaten anything like it.”
“There must have been an entire bottle of hell in it.”
“The pain.”
“But I persevered, much to my boyfriend’s protests.”
“His father simply watched.”
“I was sweating buckets, felt sick, almost had an asthma attack.”
“Another reason that my boyfriend was angry with me because I put myself at risk) but I ate the whole bowl.”
“Then I left the table victorious but dying a death.”
“Fast forward, I’ve been in bed for three days, still feel messed up, may not survive.”
“My boyfriend says I should have been the bigger person and that there were no winners, that eating the whole bowl was as childish as his father was for serving it, and harmed only me.”
“He’s been taking care of me, but he’s also blaming me.”
“I don’t think I was the a**hole, even if the last three days of our vacation have gone down the drain.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they generally agreed the OP was the a**hole for eating spicy food just to prove a point.
Many people felt that the OP’s decision to eat the food was not only childish but also cruel to himself, by making himself so sick and uncomfortable.
“You may not think YTA, but your AH thinks YTA.”- Late_Magazine2573
“I think you were the a**hole here.”
“The father ruined your food.”
“You just showed the parents you are not sensible, are arrogant, and do not consider their son’s wishes ( their son asked you to stop, and you would not).”
“You behaved badly here and ruined his visit home.”- Appropriate-Access88
“YTA.”
“He has one person in his life so incredibly petty as to ruin events to make a point.”
“Now he has two.”- GigMistress
While a few understood where the OP was coming from by eating the food and standing his ground, even if they still believed he wasn’t fair to his boyfriend.
“Sometimes you have to stare down the barrel of a gun…errr…intestinal tract?”
“NTA for standing your ground with FIL, but damn do you owe your BF a huge apology.”
“Also, you’ll probably need a donut pillow for the flight home.”
“And ice cream – whether to eat it or sit in it is totally up to you.”- ahopskip_andajump
“NTA, but, yes, you did not need to prove a point and put your health clearly at risk.”
“You should have thanked him graciously in the first place for trying to be considerate.”
“But I get you have your pride thing going too, and I wanted to be clear: you did not need to be babied.”
“I’d question whether it is that you are a ‘party boy’ or that you are a boy.”
“Or that you’re White.”
“I am unfamiliar with Moroccan customs, but I know there are a lot of countries where two men are still an issue.”
“And an issue for parents.”
“Either way, while NTA, you should apologize to your boyfriend and admit that it was foolish of you to allow his father to get under your skin.”- theborgblog
Others had trouble sympathizing with either the OP or his boyfriend’s parents, feeling that neither of them took the high road the way they should have and were both inconsiderate of the OP’s boyfriend.
“ESH.”
“His family for playing stupid games, but also you for taking the petty road.”
“Next time, be more gracious and tell them if they can’t find it in their hearts to be a civil host to someone who loves and cares for their son as much as they do, then you will decline the invite.”
“Play sh*tty games, win sh*tty prizes.”- Discount_Mithral
The OP later returned, both to clarify the circumstances a bit more while also acknowledging that he did not handle the situation as well as he could have.
“I’m not sure that I made it clear enough.”
“The food was taken, and he intentionally made it inedible.”
“My boyfriend argued with his father afterward.”
“Anyway, I appreciate the comments, and they cheered me up.”
“I am an a**hole.”
“The comments about him picking a man like his father have really bothered me.”
“I will take that advice to heart.”
“Also, I love the concern for my a**hole.”
“It has a hard road ahead, but it will be okay.”
“This has come up a few times, so I’ll address it here.”
“My boyfriend’s parents know he is gay, and they have accepted that.”
“He is free to be himself in their home.”
“We do not take our sexuality outside of the home while in Morocco.”
“I’d like to show this post to him later, and I’m going to remove this edit before I do.”
“I have apologized, and I am forgiven.”
“I punished myself enough for his liking.”
“But he agrees that his father is an a**hole, and he could stand up for me more.”
“I’m out now, I appreciate the responses and the laughs.”
“FIL has admitted that he didn’t think in a million years I would actually eat the food.”
“The point was that it was going to be inedible.”
“But he won’t apologize because I chose to do it.”
“My a**hole and I have reached a wary truce.”
“Thank you all for the well wishes.”
The OP clearly learned the hard way that he made a mistake in eating the food.
Seeing that his boyfriend’s father still won’t apologize for intentionally sabotaging his food makes it all the more clear to him that doing so wasn’t worth it.
One can only hope that the next family gathering will be a more cordial one and that no one will feel the need to prove any kind of point, beyond that of making sure everyone has a good time with good and (edible) food.