The American foster care system remains shamefully problematic.
In spite of the fact that thousands of children are in need of temporary or permanent homes, children continue to find themselves placed in environments that were even more problematic than the homes they were taken from.
Or, while some parents are able to provide the care and attention they need, the children are so traumatized from past experiences, they simply cannot adjust to their new surroundings in spite of the best efforts of the foster parents.
And when foster parents seek help from the foster care system, they are often provided with little to nothing.
Redditor RogueStarfighter and his wife recently took on a foster child whom they knew was in need of a home.
While the adjustment wasn't easy, they managed to work through their problems.
Until their charge simply went too far, leading the original poster (OP), and his wife to think there was truly only one thing to do.
Concerned they may have made a serious mistake, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for getting rid of our foster kid after she stole medicine from our sick daughter?"
The OP explained why he and his wife felt they were left with no other choice following a serious incident with their foster child.
"We were informed of a foster child in need of a home."
"She's 14, has some behavioral issues, and had mild drug use."
"We decided to take her in since my wife knew her a bit and thought she was a decent kid who just needed a chance."
"The placement had its issues."
"She smoked weed in the house."
"We told her not to, she did it again."
"She had friends over, we said no weed, they smoked anyway."
"Over five months, we had good and bad times, but overall it was working."
"We also have a 5 year old daughter who got Covid at the end of last year and has had a chronic cough ever since."
"She is on a medication for the cough so she can sleep at night and for when her coughing fits get bad."
"Sometimes it sounds like she is gasping for air."
"It's hard to watch her suffer through this."
"Last night the foster had friends over and they smoked again."
"We had planned on talking to her about it after school today."
"We woke up this morning and the 5-yo starts coughing."
"We look for her medicine and we can't find it."
"My wife finally gives up and goes to the store to buy more."
"I drive the foster to school and when I return, we find the bottle in her room."
"It's not empty so we don't freak out."
"I go to work."
"Later, my wife goes to give the 5yo more medicine and she realizes that the cough medicine that she found in the fosters room is actually sprite."
"The foster dumped it all into a sprite bottle and drank it with her friends for a cheap buzz."
"Don't know why she filled the medicine bottle back up with sprite, but whatever."
"I freaked and had her removed immediately."
"You can disobey me, you can lie to me, you can steal from me."
"Once you take from my kid, there is no coming back from that."
"The fact that she lived across the hall from my daughter and listened to her coughing all day and night and still had the lack of humanity that she felt ok taking her medicine is sickening and represents a depravity I was not prepared for."
"Behavior issues is one thing, it's almost universal that you don't mess with sick kids."
"Did I overreact?'
"We locked up all medicine and alcohol."
"We were careless and left it out this time."
"We weren't diligent this time since we honestly didn't think it was a target; she had only ever smoked weed before."
"I wish the state had better informed us."
"We were told she had one marijuana incident before, and I thought we could handle that."
"I smoked weed when I was 14 too."
"I never knew she did other drugs."
"I didn't really consider children's cough medicine to be a target."
"It was a mistake."
"Lastly, we are not foster parents."
"We did this for a child my wife knew."
"We were not looking to foster any other kids. We were just trying to help one."
"We were not prepared for this and are going to focus on our own daughter now."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for having their foster child removed from their home.
While nearly everyone did sympathize with the child's situation and experience, they nonetheless agreed that the OP did the right thing in making their difficult decision, as her actions were serious and harmful to his daughter's health.
"NTA ."
"I feel sad for your family and this poor girl."
"Life is tough, and she's clearly been dealt a bad hand."
'But you're not the a**hole for protecting your child while trying to help another."- freudian_baby
"NTA."
'I was a foster parent of teens for years, only after my kids moved out for that very reason."
"You have to protect your kids.'
"If your youngest was a foster child too, you'd still have to do the same thing."
'The medicine should have been locked up, sure.'
"Parents of all varieties make mistakes, doesn't make them all a**holes."
'But let's say you did lock it up?"
'Barring a safe, a determined teen can still get to it."
"I've had foster children pick locks and break doors to get where they wanted."- nope-111
"NTA because your sick child should come first."
"But I think the foster really needs to enter some kind of substance abuse program."
"Not saying she's a full-blown addict, but she's not stopping her habitual use, she's stealing, and her substance use has already screwed up what could have been a healthy home for her."
"I hope this need was communicated to her social worker."- justwondering_999
"Former foster kid and substance user during my time in the system, where I was removed from multiple homes for using around young children."
"NTA."
"The world is a really hard place when you have to learn from your mistakes in real-time, without unconditional love and parental support."
"F*ck man, it's hard, and most of us don't come out very well."
"But protecting your child is, first and foremost, your job."
'It sucks because your former foster child deserves that same protection."
"Not from you, per se, but it's heartbreaking how many kids will grow up without that and will become adults who struggle daily to find it in different ways."
"Substances, abusive relationships, having lots of children themselves, etc."
"You are in a tough spot, and my heart goes out to you, truly, for trying to help a young person carry a little less weight on their shoulders."
"I hope this girl is able to get both substance help and an excellent therapist."
'It's the only reason I made it out alive."- ReindeerCareless4046
"This one is tough."
"And I don't have an answer."
"Teens already have issues with fully understanding consequences because the parts of our brain that regulate risk/reward and impulsivity/restraint aren't fully developed until we're 25 or 26."
"Add on to the fact that this is a child who was in the system because she obviously must not have been in the healthiest of environments."
"So her perception of boundaries and right vs. wrong are likely stunted."
"You refer to her actions as a 'level of depravity,' but I doubt that's the case."
"She was just being a dumb kid without understanding consequences."
"Not excusing it in any way."
"But her background indicates that she's going to need a lot of work to get rehabilitated into better socializing as a member of a household."
"She was always going to need more intense parenting than any average kid who isn't in the system."
"I would have explained to her the severity of the situation and told her she's being given one last chance, and then she'd be out."
"With all that said, I can't fault you for reacting the way you did."
"Your child's safety is important."
"I'm glad you were able to get medicine, and your daughter is okay now."
"Long COVID sucks."
"I have some friends with varying degrees of symptoms that are affecting them 2 years after they caught it."
"I wish her a speedy recovery."- VigilanteJusticia
No doubt about it, that poor girl has gone through more than any 14-year-old should in her short time on this earth.
But after putting the life of the OP's daughter in danger, it's hard not to agree that he made the only possible decision he could.
One only hopes she'll find a home that can give her the help and support she needs, which can get her back on the right track.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp