We'd like to think that we have evolved enough as a society, that someone's gender shouldn't cloud anyone's perception of how they would function in a certain profession or hobby.
Sadly, there are still far too many people who believe that men and women should behave a certain way, and be skilled in certain areas.
With some even going so far to say that any man or woman who doesn't fit this criteria isn't "manly" or "ladylike" enough.
Redditor housework1998 found his masculinity put into question when the parents of his girlfriend were surprised that he lacked fundamental skills in a certain area.
Adding insult to injury, the original poster (OP)'s girlfriend did not spring to his defense, but rather joined her parents in kicking him when he was down.
Even going so far as to call him "embarrassing".
Insulted and hurt, the OP decided there was only one way to handle these accusations made against him.
Concerned he may not have made the right decision, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for doing the absolute minimum chores after my girlfriend parents implied I wasn't a man and she agreed with them?"
The OP explained why his girlfriend and her parents didn't think he was "manly enough", and how he decided to handle the way he was treated.
"Sorry if some of sentences feel awkward, I am not a native speaker."
"I work from home and my job is relaxed and doesn't require me to be glued to the screen, my girlfriend works in a stressful customer service job and most of her days are terrible."
"In the 2 years we've been living together, I do practically all the chores around the house and I try to treat her to like a queen when she comes back home."
"However, the one thing I can't do is be a handyman no matter how easy the task is."
"A few months ago, the bathroom door hinges needed replacing so I called a friend to help."
"Last week during lunch with her parents, I asked her dad about the project he was working on, he does woodworking as a hobby."
"He showed me the progress on his phone and suggested I should help him with the last touches."
"My girlfriend told him that I can't even replace door hinges let alone help with that."
"Her mom said that every man should know how to fix things around the house and her husband agreed with her."
"The remainder of lunch was very awkward, it was like they were my real parents and were disappointed of me for being a huge failure."
"After we left, I told my girlfriend that I didn't expect their reaction."
"Instead of taking my side, she said that they were right because it was embarrassing that I need to call a friend to help with something trivial."
"I reminded her that I get nervous and anxious every time I touch a tool."
"I admitted it was stupid but it's just the way I am and has been very honest with her since the start."
"Still she didn't change her mind."
"I told her that since their idea of being a man is twisted I must share the same view and start working on being their version of a man."
"I told her that I will stop cooking for her."
"And I'll stop doing the dishes, laundry and cleaning."
"The only thing that I would keep doing is taking the trash out and grocery shopping."
"So I could focus my time and effort on becoming a man."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the op was not the a**Hole for refusing to do any chores after the way his girlfriend treated him.
Everyone agreed that the OP's girlfriend and her parents had antiquated views of masculinity, with many wondering why the OP was staying with his girlfriend after being treated so poorly by her.
"Why would you stay with someone who speaks of you like that to their family?"- rickybobbybobby
"NTA."
"My wife did her undergrad in electrical engineering."
"I did mine in geography."
"She's way more qualified to handle those stereotypical 'manly projects' than me."
"I'm mostly there to be her muscle and lift when she asks me too."
"I've never been accused of being less of a man, because I served in the Marines."
"Still, when contractors come to our home, and they start talking to me, I laugh and tell them to explain it to my wife, she understands better than me."
"I'm like you."
"For the first few years of our relationship I did all the cooking and cleaning."
"Now we split the cooking, but I still am the only one who seems to know how to clean."
"And I'm not much of a handyman."
"I can put together ikea furniture and stuff, but when we converted our shed into and office, she definitely took lead there, with me standing by just lifting what she couldn't."
"It's sh*tty your gf would belittle you like that."
"Gendered roles are dumb and outdated."
"My mom is a master technician, who loved to fix anything."
"My stepdad was a master chef, sup handles all the cooking and domestic work."
"That's how I grew up, and they're boomers."
"He brags about all the things she can fix, and she brags about how amazing his meals are, and when we get together as a family, my mom enlists my wife help to fix things, and I help out with chores around the house."
"I don't feel like less of a man for it, and I don't think he does either."
"It's a natural family dynamic for us now."- urbanworldbuilder
"NTA."
"I will be direct, if she thinks really that, you should leave her, because in the future she will have you suffer, I talk by my experience, I stayed 4 years with someone that always told me I wasn't a man and to this day, 5 years later, I feel like sh*t and that I'm not enough."- FedeRreal
"NTA."
"Every has strengths and weakness."
"If she can't accept that and you are in for a painful relationship."- Heavy-Sky-1253
"NTA."
"And I'm about to pull up with some petty shit as a woman, but you should hit her with the 'since I do all the housework, I've decided you make a sh*t woman and you need to step up to the man or woman plate'."
"Your choice of which, but right now you're neither'."
"That gendered thinking is a deal breaker'."
"Do you identify as a man?"
"Then you are man enough."- PICKLESnBILLITH
"Petty AF."
"Lmao love it!"
"NTA."- Preciousgirl2019
"NTA."
"Tell her it's the 21st Century and she should be able to fix her own damn doors."
"You are being taken advantaged of here, she should be doing her own share of the chores, you both have jobs do all gets shared equally."
"If this continues you might have to show her the door, literally because it seems like there is little respect here."- Nessie51
"NTA."
"Why can't she do anything?"
"Fixing things is not just a man's job!"
"If my husband is at work or busy I can easily bust out the tools and fix things!'
"Stick to your guns!"- Majestic-Leopard-563
"NTA."
"But why are you with someone who tattles on you to her parents and makes you feel like trash?"
"You sound awesome and should be with someone who values you and treats you well."
"Hopefully she'll be your ex-GF soon."- ollieastic
"NTA."
"Don't stay with a woman who doesn't respect you and appreciate everything you do for her."-Scary_Inevitable379
"NTA."
"3 of them sound awful."
"I'd do no house work at all besides clean up after myself while I secretly get my ducks in a row to get out of there and ghost them all."- adisturbed1
"NTA."
"if she wants you to be a gender stereotype then she should act her part of being a gender stereotype too."- calvinshuhfc
"NTA."
"And I hope you know there are plenty of women out there who don't care if you can fix door hinges or not."
"A lot of us, unsurprisingly, can do that ourselves and would be thrilled to have a partner who took on other more regular work around the house instead of simply fixing things occasionally."
"Your gf is currently undervaluing your hard work and I hate that."- viichar
It's sadly not at all uncommon for anyone to have to constantly prove their worth to their significant other's parents.
But when you constantly have to prove your worth to your significant other, it might be time to stop and reflect upon how healthy your relationship is, and maybe it might be worth finding someone who doesn't find you "embarrassing".
One also can't help but wonder how the OP's girlfriend would have felt if he questioned her femininity and demanded she do more cooking and cleaning?
One imagines she might not have kept her composure nearly as well as the OP managed to do in front of her parents.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.