“The heart wants what the heart wants” is an aphorism that means sometimes we want irrational things – particularly when love is concerned.
Of course, wanting something and getting something aren’t the same thing.
So, what happens when the person you love makes a demand that you find unreasonable?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Individual-Tree4665 when he came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
“AITA for refusing to give my girlfriend a ring when I proposed?”
OP started with a brief introduction.
“I (31, Male)have been dating my girlfriend (27,Female) for three years.”
“She is a great woman and I just know she is the one, so I recently proposed.”
“I bought her a beautiful diamond ring that she had admired several times.”
Everything was fine, until…
“But when I proposed she took one look at the ring and asked me where ‘the real ring’ is.”
“I asked what she meant, and she said ‘your mom ring’”.
“My mom passed away just before I met my girlfriend.”
“She was cremated, and I had her ashes turned into a diamond and placed the diamond on my mom’s wedding ring that had lost its diamond.”
“The ring has no financial value but it means everything to me.”
“Turns out that is the ring she expected me to propose with.”
“Her rationale is giving her the most important item to me is the ultimate show of commitment, and refusing to give it to her means I am not fully into the marriage.”
“She said she can’t accept my proposal unless it’s with that ring.”
“I honestly can’t part with it, but my friends think if she means as much to me as I say she does, and I intend to spend the rest of my life with her, what’s the big deal, the ring will still be around me anyway.”
OP was left to wonder,
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some were concerned by the fiance’s demand.
Tbh I would be totally weirded out by my fiancé wanting me to wear his dead mother on my finger so absolutely NTA ~ Real_Key_398
“Seems like she’s testing him, ‘Give me what’s most important to you to prove I’m now the most important.’ And definitely seems like the type that would see mom as competition if she were alive.” ~Lone-book-dragon
“Yes, this would lead me to rethink the relationship.”
“Play stupid games and win stupid prizes.” ~ Bookswinters
“I would be open to having my mom’s cremains made into diamond jewelry, but even then I’m hesitant about having that jewelry be my wedding ring.”
“And she’s MY mom and MY best friend.”
“Someone else’s mom on my finger? Nope.” ~ BeefyMonkeyBrains
Others felt that the ring was no longer safe.
“Keep that ring somewhere safe, OP.”
“If it’s not too painful for you to talk about, how did you go about turning your mom’s ashes into a diamond?”
“Is this something you did yourself, or is there a company that does this?”
“This is the first I’m hearing of it. Please ignore my question if it’s painful to talk about. I’m so sorry for your loss.” ~ FormalRaccoon637
“So many good responses, so I will just add:”
“Even if you wanted to give it, what would happen if she lost it?”
“The word ‘irreplaceable’ gets thrown around, but here it is about as true as it can be. Don’t ever let anyone force you to do anything with something so important.”
“As if it needs to be said, NTA.” ~ dbohat
“That ring at this point isn’t meant to be jewelry, it needs to be placed somewhere safe and special.”
“Wearing it like a normal ring runs the risk of her taking the ring off and misplacing it, if the band is slightly loose it could slip off, she could damage it or outright LOSE the diamond (aka YOUR MOTHER) while out and about.”
“Just like that it’s gone forever.”
“She has shown you who she is and what her consideration towards your feelings are.”
“React how you see fit op, but you’re NTA.”
“Anyone in your life even HINTING that you are, needs to stay in their lane.” ~ Mental-Woodpecker300
“Or if they get divorced.”
“In most states, the engagement ring is considered a gift and can’t be given back.”
“Can you imagine a judge dealing with that one?”
“OP: Your honor, I would like the ER. It’s my mother.”
“Judge: Can’t sorry. It’s a gift and state law says…. I’m sorry it was your mother’s but that’s that law.”
“OP: No, your honor. That LITERALLY is my mother! Judge: head explodes” ~ mdsnbelle
Some wondered about their future together.
“But please understand how much of a red flag that is.”
“You no longer have your mother.”
“The apparent love of your life took one look at the ring you got her and asked for a real one.”
“A proposal is not a gifting opportunity nor is it a competition for the nicest jewelry.”
“It’s a moment that someone is expressing their love and desire to always be a partnership together.”
“She ruined that.”
“She seemed to have used that moment to show that she felt deserving of something and it wasn’t marriage.”
“It was a specific ring.”
“She’s asking for not only a family heirloom but your physical remembrance of your mother.”
“A woman she never had the opportunity to meet.”
“And no, this is not some way of being close to her now, this is a very odd power trip.”
“Reevaluate life with her. DO NOT GIVE THE RING” ~ stoned13river
“NTA and dude, you sure she’s the one?”
“Her rationale sounds really f*cked up.”
“Why on earth does she want to wear your mother’s remains?!”
“She will literally have your mother wrapped around her finger & you figuratively wrapped around it.”
“It’s really freaking weird. Sorry to tell you” ~ Holmes221bBSt
“I was already ready to say NTA when OP stated that he went out of his way to buy her a beautiful ring he knew she liked, and she had the audacity to say it wasn’t the “real ring.”‘
“The lack of gratitude is astounding.”
“And I’m not even talking about her wanting to adorn herself with his dead mother on her finger 🚩🚩🚩”
“OP you deserve better! Keep your mother with you!” ~ MutantsAtTableNine
“She can’t accept your proposal without your mom’s ring?”
“Don’t do it!”
“Next it’ll be, ‘I can’t get married unless it drains the bank account and I can’t live here unless it has everything my heart desires, or you don’t really love me!”‘
“Best wishes! 🙂” ~ squawksquawk13
“As a woman, I’m gonna give you the advice to run for the hills and block her, or else you will regret it later.”
“A. If that woman truly loved you, she wouldn’t have asked for something that means the world you to which is what is left of your deceased mother. That is very selfish and vile. Huge red flag”
“B. Another red flag is her friends calling you and making it seem as if yta based on what your gf told them. If that woman truly loved you, she would’ve accepted the ring you picked for her.”
“Please choose peace over anything. This girl is selfish and it’s not worth it.” ~ RouxXoXo
Motivation also came up a few times.
“Btw, sorry for your loss and that is a very sweet thing you did.”
“Also, this is so weird.”
“Even someone who has a strong connection with someone to do this, like diamonds come loose, does she not care that she could lose it?”
“And if she did, it would be a mistake and you’d be excepted to forget and forgive it?”
“Here, she never knew your mom (except through you) its even weirder that she would expect you to give her a ring made from someone’s ashes she has never met and never connected with?”
“Argh, I do not know if it’s just me but I find it borderline creepy enough to give me goosebumps.”
“I probably wouldn’t wear a ring even when I DID know someone and rather safeguard it, let alone ask for it from someone else.”
“She wants to ‘test’ your commitment?”
“Getting a ring is not proof of it? And what if things do not work out as she fears? Does she plan to hold the ring hostage in an attempt to keep you tied?” ~ WrongdoerDue4724
“NTA OP. When people show you who they are, believe them.”
“She can say she has no malicious intent until she’s blue in the face, sketchy asks don’t just pop up out of nowhere.”
“There is intent, at the most basic it is a means to enforce you never leave.”
“You can almost certainly guarantee that if you do something to displease her, after giving her your mom’s ashes, the ring will be used against you in a court of fiancee… meaning she could pretend to damage or lose it, or worse actually damage or lose it to prove her point or ‘teach’ you a lesson.”
“She’s setting you up for a terrible power play… don’t do it.”
“For a ‘reasonable lady’ she’s certainly making an incredibly unreasonable demand. Especially since you bought the ring she’d been eyeing.”
“I strongly urge you to have a discussion with your gf about boundaries, and potentially reevaluate your decision to marry someone who demands you literally give them your mother.” ~ CommendableMeh
When communication fails, please remember that “No” is a complete answer.
Always remember to be kind when possible, but never forget that your belongings are yours, and no one else’s.